The Masquerader (Prologue)

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Want to read Chapter One?

Coughing echoed around the room with the dull thud of rain leaking through a poorly thatched roof into a wooden bucket. One woman sat up watching all the scene of sickness and death with bright eyes from her cot. Every few moments her frame was wracked with painful coughs. She would bring a stained handkerchief up to her lips and wipe the crimson blood away.
All of the doctors were haggard with the overwork their small numbers provided and the immensity of illness that surrounded them.
Two children, drenched and shivering in their rags, slipped in and cowered beside the door, hoping no one would notice them.
The woman did. She glanced at the busy doctors and motioned them over. “Here, babies.” She sacrificed her bed and blankets, letting them lie where she had after a few moments of prodding. She stood on shaking legs as the crawled in before practically collapsing beside them. She smiled though and ran a hand through the soaking curls of the younger boy.
There was a healer that frequented the make-shift hospital and was rumored to have special talents that no doctor could possess. She hovered by the curtain undetected, not looking toward the scene.
“Let me tell you a story young ones.” The woman turned her head to cough and continued, “There once was a kingdom and a family...”

Five years ago an army that out numbered the grains of sand in the sea came from the east with iron sticks that exploded, belching smoke, breaking through armor and swept the kingdom of Maliel into complete and total surrender from the day they stepped foot on Maliean soil. That was the first of seven kingdoms to succumb to the empire of Duritan in the span of these five years. The two children of the king and queen were all that were spared of the royal family. The son of thirteen was sent to slavery in the homeland where he was said to serve the emperor's family. The daughter, three years his senior, was used as a puppet queen, the face of a new government.
The people welcomed this change of power openly, surrendering immediately when the invading army reached their towns, helping them overthrow the capital. The monarchy had been cruel to them, taxing the poor so living was almost too expensive and living in the lap of luxury because of the peasants' struggles. Finally they were free.
Now the empire of Duritan has become even worse than the monarchy of Maliel. Maliean men disappear from the fields and are never heard of again though rumors say they are now slaves in the homeland. Women are raped by Duritanian soldiers and mocked at the peace keeper stations when they report the attack and beg for help. Duritanians can ask the Malians of anything and expect it to be carried out or given to them whether it be a bowl of food or a valuable family heirloom. Living is more expensive, to the disbelief of everyone. The rich are reduced to the poor and the poor stay where they are or find themselves on the streets begging.


A doctor approached to chase of the children and put his patient back to bed, only to be stopped by the healer.
“There is nothing more that can be done for her. Let her live out her life as she wishes,” she whispered.
They both nodded as the woman went on to explain the poor conditions of Malieans. They had seen it clearer than any other group of people.
“You see, my children, the queen was not as the people said...”

The young queen watches her country fall deeper into ruin and despair every year and turns a deaf ear to her advisers who truly hold more power than she. Tears dry on her cheeks only to fall again for her father and her people whom suffer no matter their class for everyone but herself has been reduced to a peasant and she is more a slave than royalty. Who will stop this madness? How long must her people wither away under the dark, oppressive shadow of the empire?

More doctors had joined the group as many of the sicker patients fell into a restless sleep. Some of the stronger patients strained to listen. Some snickers were heard at the mention of the puppet queen. Hearing a sympathetic note towards her was rare and disregarded by adults.
The woman glanced up and frowns but continued, “But, darlings, even in the dark there is the hope of light.”

Many groups spring up and speak of ways to overthrow the government, but all are found and crushed. All members are shot as a public warning to any who wish to rebel. One lone group stays ahead of the peace keepers, be it by only a hair and slowly gains members but has yet to do anything drastic. The Duritanians grow worried and begin a killing spree of any suspects. The Malieans, revolutionaries and otherwise, quake in fear and weaken. Only the strongest, most determined rebels continue planning, but in the shadows, something is stirring.
Finally a hero rises for the Malieans, someone to look to for support, but his face is that of a mask, his identity a secret. None of the insurgent groups know who this man is but keeps close tabs on his doings and praises his work.


Her voice strengthened at the mention of the vigilante. Her eyes hardened as everyone fell completely silent, entranced.

He ambushed the troops and killed the soldiers with arrows that disappear without anyone fetching them. He seemed to rise from the shadows and melt back again when he was through. Some said he was a vengeful spirit who has rose from a bloody grave to pay back the man that had brutally killed him. Others whispered things of a fearful revolutionary that kept his identity secret to protect himself from spies. Then there were rumors of a Duritanian soldier with no loyalty to his homeland and its barbaric rulers but pitied the Malieans enough to fight for them.
Some complained that he didn't wipe out whole battalions, but they were hushed by his many supporters. He became a thing of mystery but not of myth. He appeared to large amounts of people and even gave a few coins to beggars before he vanished again. Crowds of trustworthy men and women had seen the arrows dissolve with their own eyes and produced detailed descriptions of the chilling mask.
Large amounts of money were put on his head, but everyone claimed to know nothing of the criminal's true identity. The queen came out at regular intervals to announce yet another raising of the reward with a secretive smile and was jeered into her castle again and again. Hundreds of suspects were brought in, but all failed if not by size than by their skill of archery or their inability to disappear. Some are executed and everyone, Duritanians and Malieans alike, hold their breath until the next attack where the army's hopes are crushed, and the peasants cry for joy. Half a year has past and still the reward rises.
The queen remained neutral in public, but with her trusted maid and by herself she revealed her hope for success. If her people could break free of these horrid chains, she could escape herself and find her brother.
The masked renegade continues to wreak havoc and plant fear in the force of Duritan. He continues to escape when escape seems impossible and knows when to fade out of sight for a few days. He is the call to all Malieans and the warning for all Duritanians, but this will not be enough for long. Killing a few, when hundreds are pouring in to replace them, won't do anymore than anger the sleeping beast.
Peasants hide in barns and smithies to debate on a full scale rebellion but against an army that is too large to count. A handful of men will be destroyed before the first day is out. They call for their hero but no one answers. A strong leader that has stayed under wraps almost as tight as the masked man says they don't need him, but not many believe him.
This man, whoever he may be, is our last hope. If he fails, we all fail.


Her voice hung in the silence as she broke into another coughing fit. She sighed and turned away from the children to wipe another glob of blood away from the corner of her mouth.
None of the doctors moved.
She smiled at them and focused on the children once again.
The healer moved forward and helped the woman up. “Let's get you to another bed.” She handed her to the doctor.
The crowd parted and dissipated quickly to attend to the many abandoned patients that were just as taken by the speech, leaving the children to sleep.
The young boy stayed awake as the candles were slowly put out one by one until only one glowed. After minutes of listening to his sibling's even breathing and the shuffling of the doctors, he got up and looked out the window to see a street blurred by rain. Images of the woman's story ran through his mind as he pressed his warm forehead to the cool glass.
A form, blacker than the night surrounding it, dropped from the roof. It turned to reveal a white mask warped by the water. They both stood there for a moment staring at the other form. Finally, it put a finger to it's cold lips and ran across the street, disappearing quickly.
The boy stared after it.

This vigilante may be Maliel's only chance. The mask comes off, and the people are reinvigorated. The royal advisers shall quiver in their furs and jewels. The mask comes off and war is declared again. Allies are called. Please, please, take off the mask, end the masquerade for the peasants, for the queen, for the other six kingdoms under Duritanian control, for the kingdom to the east that will buckle to the unstoppable force of the Duritanian army. Call us and we will come, if you just reveal yourself, come into the torchlight, and out of the shadows. Come to us, Masquerader.


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Last edited by megsug on Sat Mar 12, 2011 4:47 pm, edited 8 times in total.
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I like your writing style, but I believe this story would be much more interesting if you didn't add a prologue that told the whole history. It would be much more fun to read if you started in on the plot and characters right away and introduced history through them slowly through the course of the novel. Right now it feels more like a history lesson than an engrossing tale of rebellion. I hope that makes sense. I love the title by the way, very eye catching.
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Hi Meg! Pink here!
First of all, welcome to YWS, hope you enjoy you time here!

So, I'm not going to nitpick through this, instead, I'm going walk through this in four steps, Introduction, Plot, Grammar/punctuation and my 'overall'. Alright then, let's get started!

Introduction
I liked the way you opened up, the way you worded how vast the army was when comparing them to sand, which was my favorite line in the paragraph. Now, I do wish you expanded on that thought. Gave us more depth to it and glorified the war. Not exactly in a good sense but so it jumps out and catches your attention.

Plot
I like the plot line of this but for a prologue, its' just way too much to take in. You explained events that could have happened in half a book in three pages. I know you probably want us to listen to all of the history but I think it would have been better if you gave us little bits and pieces of it throughout the 'core' of your story. You did a lot of telling and it was almost like a short story rather than a little prologue. Now, casting that aside, I do think you have an amazing plot and I think it's very interesting and I might just keep up with this story. I would advise you to slow things down a little, but other than that it's all good! ;)

Grammar/punctuation
Most of your grammar was correct and I didn't see many punctuation errors. There were a few words that had repetition, so I would watch out for that. If I remember correctly, there was one in the first paragraph with 'number'.
So yeah, I don't have much else to add to this section so we're done here.

Overall
You have good structure and an interesting story with a masked hero. I haven't read much stories with masked heroes, unless it's like Zoro, but it's a cool idea, nonetheless. There were a few parts in the story where I didn't get what you were trying to say. Like with the armies and why they were fighting, exactly and who died and stuff. Anyways, I've said what I wanted to say so there. PM when you post the next part, I'm interested in seeing exactly where this is headed.
Wishing you luck,

~Pink
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Thanks for the reviews. This gives me a boost of confidence. My first post was a bit of a fluke.
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Hey Megs,
I've been planning to read your novel for the longest time, so I'm glad I finally got to it.
I agree with other reviewers of this chapter that you certainly crammed a lot of information into a few pages. Since I havn't started reading chapter one, I'm not exactly sure if all of the information that you have presented has to be put here, or if it can be slowly given out throughout the novel.

Five years ago, an army that out numbered the grains of sand in the sea came from the east with iron sticks that exploded, belching smoke, breaking through armor and swept the kingdom of Maliel into complete and total surrender from the day they stepped foot on Maliean soil.


Great opener.
I think that many elements of the background to this story are very cliche, but I will read on, because you definately grasped me with this opening chapter.
Keep up the good work!
-Alex
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I'd be happy to give them.
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This was awesome! I really like the setup and plot of this story so far. Really loved the ending "Come to us, Masquerader". Love that. :)
I really hope you finish this book, if you do I think you have a huge shot of publishing it. This kind of story gets a lot of readers and a lot of fans. I'll be sure to read the next chapters of "The Masquerader" soon!
Keep Writing! :D
~DeadEnds
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Hiya, megsug!

First off - I really like this plot and can't wait to read more on that basis. Personally, I don't mind info-dumps in prologues as long as they are strictly backstory, so this prologue was right up my alley! :D
I have a few general notes, however;
1. You seem to be fond of the Run-On Sentence, as I am ;) But something you need to watch is the way you punctuate these sentences. Think of it this way - if someone were to read your book aloud, and came across one of those sentences, with no breaks and few commas... they'd be winded by the time they got to the period. An example is your opener;

Five years ago an army that out numbered the grains of sand in the sea came from the east with iron sticks that exploded, belching smoke, breaking through armor and swept the kingdom of Maliel into complete and total surrender from the day they stepped foot on Maliean soil.


Beautiful! Your imagery and wording is great, and the concept pulls us in. However - it becomes a bit of an ordeal to read. I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but just reading that leaves me a little overwhelmed. There are some places where you need to reword things (swept should be sweeping, taking into account the tense you set up - and the repetition of Maliel at the end sounds a bit redundant), and you should probably make a sentence break somewhere in there. I'd suggest cutting it at came from the east and then saying They came with iron sticks... to start the next sentence.

2. You switch tenses... a LOT. For the beginning of the prologue, you are speaking in past tense. Then somewhere around the middle, you switch to present tense. That would make sense, since you are speaking of the past at the beginning and the present in the middle... but then you switch back to past tense near the end. I'd suggest going back and fixing that :)

3. This is just a pet peeve of mine; there's nothing wrong with using a thesaurus. I do it all the time, as do many (if not most) writers, amateur or otherwise. But when it becomes obvious that you're doing it (as it was in this piece) there is a problem. Sometimes a litle repetition is okay. Don't be afraid to repeat your words if it sounds better that way! It becomes clear to the reader very quickly when you're just using obscure words so that you don't have to keep saying "rebel" over and over again.

ONE LAST NITPICK!

This may be Maliel's only chance. The mask comes off, and the people are reinvigorated. The royal advisers shall quiver in their furs and jewels. The mask comes off and war is declared again. Allies are called. Please, please, take off the mask, end the masquerade for the peasants, for the queen, for the other six countries under Duritanian control, for the country to the east that will buckle to the unstoppable force of the Duritanian army. Call us and we will come, if you just reveal yourself, come into the torchlight, and out of the shadows. Come to us, Masquerader.


This was an excellent ending to you prologue... once I realized what was going on. I think the problem here is the first use of the phrase the mask comes off - you have just got through telling us that no one knows who the Masquerader is because he wears a mask. Then you go to say that the people are reinvigorated because he takes off the mask. I get what you are trying to say - that when he unmasks himself and openly challenges the Duritanians, THEN people will be reinvigorated and all the other wonderful things. But your wording is kinda unclear. Also, by the end, you are speaking in a semi-first-person-ish way - I think you were trying to make this last paragraph almost a cry from the Malenians to the Masquerader, am I right? If so, maybe you should clarify that, because by the time I realized what the point this ending was, I was almost finished it, and had to go back and read it again for full impact.

All in all, this was a really interesting read, and I can't wait to continue! But please, do watch for run-ons and tense-shifts in the future - it makes for a much smoother read!

Keep it up! :D
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Hi meg,
I like your concept so far. This prologue gives a lot of information in a very short length of time which may not be the best thing for the story. I think your readers would be more interested in continuing with the story if the prologue was a single intense scene that takes place a while prior to the start of the first chapter (the execution scene?) and then have the historical details be explained more slowly as the story progresses, either as flashbacks or somehow worked into the story as direct explanations from one character to another.
I'm looking forward to reading the next chapters and finding out where the story leads. Hopefully I'll be able to spend some time on that later in the week. Thanks for your reviews on the first few chapters of my novel.
Emmily




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Hi Meg, Jai here. Extremely sorry about the wait, but (I don't know if I've already told you) I just started university again a few weeks ago, and I'm starting my assignments early so I can lounge around and do nothing while other people start to panic that so-and-so is due soon!

So to my review.

Five years ago an army that out numbered the grains of sand in the sea came from the east and swept the kingdom of Maliel into complete and total surrender with iron sticks that exploded, belching smoke, breaking through armor.

I think the word "total" could be replaced with "utter" and it'd sound better, but that's my own opinion. The other thing I noticed was what is highlighted. The way it reads to me is, "iron sticks exploded, and the belching smoke broke through armour", which of course isn't what you meant. I don't exactly know how you could fix this, but I do believe it needs to be rearranged somehow.

That was the first of seven countries to succumb to the empire of Duritan. All royalty was killed except for the two children of the king and queen. The son of thirteen was sent to slavery in the homeland and the daughter, three years his senior, was used as a puppet queen, the face of a new government.

This seems a bit abrupt. Seven countries? Do you perhaps mean seven kingdoms? Or seven empires? Countries just seems a bit huge of an idea. Also, once one or two of these countries fell to Duritan, then other countries would have banded together to make sure their nation wasn't taken next. I imagine the Duritan to be similar to the Huns. They still didn't conquer entire countries even with their vast army.

The second thing that leapt out at me was the statement "all royalty was killed... EXCEPT". Instead of contridicting yourself, perhaps something like, "Only two children were spared from the Maliel bloodline: the eldest daughter who became the face of the new government, a puppet queen, and her younger brother who was sold into slavery."

On that note, I don't like the whole "younger brother to slavery" thing. Because you just *know* he's going to jump into the plot somewhere - why would this ruthless empire of Duritan keep more then they needed to? Letting another member of the royal family who had claim to the throne live just seems like a really stupid mistake to make. An empire that has conquered seven countries would not make that mistake.

However, if the boy was kept as a slave to the Emperor of Duritan - then that is slightly more acceptable.

The people welcomed this change of power openly, surrendering immediately when the invading army reached their towns, helping them overthrow the capital. The monarchy had been cruel to them, taxing the poor so living was almost too expensive and living in the lap of luxury because of the peasants' struggles. Finally they were free.

What the people didn't know was that the king who had taken the throne at the young age of eight was raising his daughter, the heir to the throne, to be what he hadn't been able to manage. He secretly pitied his subjects but didn't possess the will or daring to change what his father had put into place, so he taught his daughter the strength of kindness, the courage of mercy, and the riches in generosity. He saw the will that he lacked grow in her and watched her grow into a promising princess and a capable queen.

I found this part a tad iffy and too much of an info dump. I'd rather see this throughout the novel as a memory from the queen herself. A scene which is abstract and really rich for the reader to experience.

This may be Maliel's only chance. If the mask comes off, the people are reinvigorated; the royal advisers shall quiver in their furs and jewels. If the mask comes off, war is declared again; allies are called. Please, please, take off the mask, end the masquerade for the peasants, for the queen, for the other six countries under Duritanian control, for the country to the east that will buckle to the unstoppable force of the Duritanian army. Call us, and we will come if you just reveal yourself, come into the torchlight, and out of the shadows. Come to us, Masquerader.

I loved this ending.

Now. This is how I got around writing a similar prologue. Read through it and cut out what you can put in the rest of the novel (for example the part where the king was raising his daughter to be honourable), and for the rest, make it into a conversation, or a verbal story.

Set the scene with an old man at a tavern (cliché, I know, but you could always change it to suit your style) who is renound for his story telling. Maybe a few beggar children are gathered around the fire, hungry and dirty, but out of the rain. One of them recognises the man and asks for a story. He then tells them (and the whole tavern as everyone starts to listen in) about the fall of Maliel. The *murder!* of the king and queen. How the prince becomes a foot slave and the princess a puppet queen.

He tells them about the civil unrest. The men drinking at the bar, and the serving women nod in agreement when he describes the uselessness of Reporting. He tells about the regret of the people of Maliel who had surrendered so readily to a greater evil.

But then his voice grows louder as he speaks of the mysterious man who was more than myth or legend. The man who wore a mask and did things for the community. The Masquerader. Goosebumps crawl up the arms of those listening, hope grows in their heart.

Then end it with your fantastic ending paragraph.

Love the idea, and I hope you think it's worthy of a thought. Would very much enjoy reading it in the style above if you did change it :D

- Jai (on to the next chapter sooner or later, I promise)
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Hi there! Sorry it's taken so long to get to this.

First off, I like the idea of the masked hero. Definitely has the potential to be something I'd pick off a shelf of a bookstore and read.

But - and this is a big but - if I started reading, there's a good chance I'd stop. Not because the writing is bad, but because the prologue is basically just a means for you to tell us the history of this place. I haven't read Chapter 1 yet, so I'm not entirely sure what angle you're taking this in, but you don't need a prologue like this. Sure, it's a lot easier than weaving the details into the actual story, and yes this way we already know everything, but it's not why we're reading this. We don't want a history lesson - we want action that's happening now. I really strongly suggest you find a way to cut this, adding the details of the history in as you go.

But for the moment lets pretend that prologues are the thing, and all we have to do is tweak this so that's it's interesting itself. For that, I need to ask a few questions.

Why is the woman giving a history lesson out of nowhere? It's almost a little too convenient she'd tell the history of something that they all probably know anyway. And even if it were only for the children's pleasure... well, if you were a child would you want a story about that, a story so depressing? Probably not. Now, that doesn't mean she can't be in the hospital telling this to her children. But maybe she's known as a good storyteller and someone requests it, be it her children or a nurse/doctor or another patient? Especially with her cough, it seems unlikely she'd offer this up herself.

Secondly, I'm assuming that the huge empire is still in control, the Masquerader is still fighting for them. Then why is she allowed to tell this story so bluntly, speaking out against the evils of the empire? Unless the war is over? Unless you're just using her as a narrator of the story? I have to say, I hope you're not. There are much better ways of doing that. But I haven't read the rest, so we'll see.

Finally, what's with the healer? Okay, I'm guessing she's vital to the story a little later on, but for now she has very little relevance since you don't really tie her to the woman until the very end. Actually, I suggest not even bringing her up until close to then. Especially since I thought it was her who was telling the story at first, by the way you brought it up.

And... yeah. So, answer the questions. And ask yourself the biggest one - do I need this prologue, or with a little more work can I take it out, making the whole story better in the process? And this is good. Don't ever doubt that. But we want to see action first, explanation later.

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I loved it. It grabbed me in almost as soon as I read it. It is detailed and memorable.

Keep writing

JJxVoodo
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I like this story overall, and I really want to see how it progresses. It has a good foundation, in my opinion, and a chance for some real character development. I especially like how :
He continues to escape when escape seems impossible and knows when to fade out of sight for a few days.
This is a good way to set up a dynamic character, and I look forward to see where this story is going. Keep writing!
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Okay, so here I finally am, doing my first review on this. (About time, right? The contest only ended more than a month ago....)

I have a couple things to say about this in general, and then a couple specific things to say.

The italics were kind of weird, as were the changes between present and past tenses. I realize that some of things being told happened in the past, and some are happening now, but the tense change is still jarring. A good way to solve this problem would be to have the back story done purely as dialogue - this should be easy, since the woman is telling the story to her two children. In this case, you can completely get rid of the italics, and the tense changes will seem a little more natural, since the woman is talking about things that have happened and things that are happening.

The other general thing is, though I haven't yet read the actual story, I already feel a bit like this prologue is going to be unnecessary.

However, assuming I'm wrong, here are some other things:

In some spots, your sentences got weird. Here's an example:

"...taxing the poor so living was almost too expensive and living in the lap of luxury because of the peasants' struggles." The first part of this sentence was fine, and I understood the part about living becoming almost too expensive, but the next part was confusing. Now I assume that you mean that the monarchs are living in the lap of luxury because of the peasants' struggles, specifically because of the tax money they pay to the monarchs, but your sentence doesn't convey that. It sounds almost like living is too expensive for the peasants, and yet, at the same time, the peasants are living in the lap of luxury because of their own struggles, which of course makes no sense at all. A better wording would be something like: "The monarchy had been cruel to them, taxing the poor so that living was almost too expensive, living in the lap of luxury because of the peasants' struggles." All I did here was taking out the "and" before the second "living" and put in a comma instead.

Of course, the other option is to completely get rid of the last part of that sentence. Most people would assume that the monarchy is living in the lap of luxury. I mean, they do usually, monarchies, and most famously the ones who ill-use their people.

Then there's the very first sentence. The way it's worded now, it seems as if the coughing sounded like rain. Better than "with" would be the word "and" - "Coughing and the dull thud of rain echoed around the room." In that case it's harder to work in your metaphor about the poorly thatched roof and the wooden bucket, but it makes more sense.

I think - aside from the italics and tense changes - the main thing you need to work on here is what to cut out. Probably the most important thing I learned in last semester's creative writing class is that knowing what to cut is often more important than knowing what to add. Examples from your prologue:

"All of the doctors were haggard with the overwork their small numbers provided and the immensity of the illness that surrounded them" changes to "The doctors were haggard with overwork."

We don't need to know that they have small numbers of doctors, or that the illness surrounding them is immense - you've already shown us that there are a bunch of sick and dying people in the room, and we assume, if the doctors are overworked, that there are too few of them and too many patients. See? You can shorten your sentence by more than half and make the story tighter just by doing so.

Also, I don't know whether I'm right, but when you said "she could escape herself and find her brother" (I would get rid of the word "herself" here), I felt like the brother would turn out to be the Masquerader...

Anyway, I hope this helped, and I'll get on to chapter one when I can.

~Blue



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