~Remorse~ Prologue: Brooke

K peoples, another story idea came up today so I just threw out a bunch of words and hope it makes sense. I don't like the name. Ew. So if you have any suggestions, that would be cool Rated 12+ for mild cursing.

~*~

Prologue: Brooke

"Brooke, Lucy's dead," Marianne speed-walked towards me, ignoring the homeroom teachers protests, her Starbucks coffee spilling over the edge of the cup in her rush to get to me. Her long blonde hair was up in a neat bun today and her clothes were, as usual, perfect.

"Bullshit" I took a sip of my PinkBerry smoothie and ignored the Lucy bit, already filing it into trash in my mental filing cabinet.

Mariana's eyes were wide and more iced coffee spilled out of the cup as she fiercely shook her head.

"No, legit. She like, offed herself,"

"What the hell? Who told you this?"

I set my smoothie down on the fake wood table and turned my focus to my gossipy little friend. I knew Marianne was secretly pleased that she got my all attention, something that rarely happened, so she pounced on the opportunity.

"I saw it. The cops were at her place and I asked what happened. You know John? Yeah, he told me that she OD'd on Prozac or something. She apparently wrote a suicide note too,"

I blinked a few times, trying to comprehend what she was saying. Suicide note.

"Who's the note to? Does it say why?," I blurted, my immaculately manicured nails making crescents in my palm as I pushed them into my hand under the desk .

Marianne looked down at her shirt, playing with the frayed edges. She was making me wait, so it must be really good.

"It-It's to you,"

Ooooh, I lurve this! [scuse the spelling ] I'm excited already!

*coco

Thanks

I like this story, it's a great beginning, it really captures your attention and the ending leaves you wanting more. There's plenty of questions in my head now, like why did the girl do it? Why is the note addressed to Brooke? What's in the note? Etc. Etc. Etc. Can't wait to read more.

Wheadee

Hiya,

So, I really want to like this piece. I think you've set us up with an interesting premise, and the ending sent a shiver up my spine. However, something about it just really fell flat. One tiny mod thing before I before I begin the review. Since your story has swearing in it, you're going to want to rate it accordingly, just to give people an idea of what they're in for, you know? Okay, so! To the story.

"Brooke, Lucy's dead," Marianne speed-walked towards me, ignoring the homeroom teachers protests, her Starbucks coffee spilling over the edge of the cup in her rush to get to me. Her long blonde hair was up in a neat bun today and her clothes were, as usual, perfect.

I don't like this. She seems way too calm. I can understand what you're trying to go for with the rush thing, but that could be interpreted in a lot of different ways. Get into more specifics; show us how she looks. Is she crying, shaking? That goes into my second point; the description of her hair and clothes at the end. If she had just heard that her best friend was dead and had to break the news to other friend, she would not be normal. You can still use this as a place to tell the reader that she's beautiful; just talk about how she's changed with the knowledge of this news.

"Bullshit" I took a sip of my PinkBerry smoothie and ignored the Lucy bit, already filing it into trash in my mental filing cabinet.

This just doesn't really seem like a realistic reaction for her. I can buy her not believing it, but now she just seems careless. Most people tend to say "BS" when something's an obvious lie, not when they're in denial about the death of her friend. Also, I don't really like the last bit about the filing cabinet. It takes us off course from the story unnecessarily and leaves us with a rather odd image.

I blinked a few times, trying to comprehend what she was saying. Suicide note.

"Who's the note to? Does it say why?," I blurted, my immaculately manicured nails making crescents in my palm as I pushed them into my hand under the desk .

Marianne looked down at her shirt, playing with the frayed edges. She was making me wait, so it must be really good.

I really like this bit, actually. It shows you've captured Brooke's guilt and the fact that she know what she's done. However, I think it could be a lot better. You seemed to get a little carried away with the highlighted bit. It's good that you're trying to show, but look here. Showing isn't always better. Also, I think you could play up a little bit more emotion. Is she remorseful, surprised? Giving us more emotion would foreshadow what she did to cause Lucy to commit suicide.

All in all, I can definitely see the potential in this story, but it seems as though you haven't got your characters figured out quite yet. I understand that this is only a prologue that will give us a hint of what the rest of the story will be like. However, figure your characters out beforehand. If you know them, you can insert bits of how you *know* they will behave in the beginning instead of making things up as you go along. It'll add consistency and improve your writing by a ton. That's all! Keep writing, and PM me if you need anything.

-Elinor x

So hey Jass. Here I am to review on request.

So here goes the review.

"Brooke, Lucy's dead," Marianne speed-walked towards me, ignoring the homeroom teachers' protests, her Starbucks coffee spilling over the edge of the cup in her rush to get to me.

I kind of felt that the dialogue could have provided more tension..like some ellipsis to show that Marianne is very scared, nervous while telling this. That she's stopping in between to tell her.

"Bullshit !" I took a sip of my PinkBerry smoothie and ignored the Lucy bit, already filing it into trash in my mental filing cabinet.

Lucy bit seems odd to me an dyou can replace 'bit' with 'thing'.
But I loved the mental filling cabinet.

"Who's the note to? Does it say why?," I blurted, my immaculately manicured nails making crescents in my palm as I pushed them into my hand under the desk .

I liked it lot. Specially or maybe only the 'manicured' thing.

I blinked a few times, trying to comprehend what she was saying. Suicide note.

you know what I think about how to write 'suicide not'? You hsould eihter italicize it or put an exclamatory sign after it.

I set my smoothie down on the fake wooden table and turned my focus to my gossipy little friend.

As you have got it from Elinor a lot so I don't think I would need to explain something. It wasn't your best but defintely better than the Suicidal Watch. I really liked the story and the concept behind it as it makes me wonder why Lucy suicided. Because of Brooke? Let's find out in the next chapter.

On to the next part,

~Shubhi

Heya jas!

Here to review as requested. You've already got some nice reviews here, so I'll probably only end up repeating what everyone else has said. I'll try my best not to, though... Ah well, that's what makes me cool.

"Brooke, Lucy's dead," Marianne speed-walked towards me, ignoring the homeroom teachers protests, her Starbucks coffee spilling over the edge of the cup in her rush to get to me.

Pretty good hook there, I think. It would be even better though if you created a bit more tension with it. You could do something like make it so, "Brooke, Lucy's dead," is on the first line by itself. Then you could go on to say the, "Marianne speed-walked towards me... e.t.c. You don't have to do that exactly, I just think that it would be more effective if you do something like that. If not that, you could have simply included Marianne's emotions or something? You mentioned her spilling her coffee, but you should mention how her lip is quivering, or something like that.

"Bullshit!" I took a sip of my PinkBerry smoothie and ignored the Lucy bit, already filing it into trash in my mental filing cabinet.

I set my smoothie down on the fake wooden table and turned my focus to my gossipy little friend.

I think that it should be wooden, not wood.

"I saw it. The cops were at her place and I asked what happened. You know John? Yeah, he told me that she OD'd on Prozac or something. Apparently, she wrote a suicide note too,"

This is just me being picky, but I personally prefer it when the word apparently comes first.

"It-It's to you,"

Nice hook here, too!


Overall

Because this is rather short, I can't give you a very in depth review, especially because it's a prologue. Even though I can't really give you a very in-depth critique, I can say that I really liked this. What I loved the most about it was the hook at the beginning and at the end of this prologue. I do think that you could have made the hook at the beginning a bit more effective though. It is always a really good thing to include hooks in the beginning of a story. That is what draws the reader in to your book, making them want to read on. I can tell, just by reading this, that this story definitely does has potential. As for your grammar, it was perfect, as far as I could tell. Well, except for that one piece of dialogue where you didn't include a grammar mark at the end of the word, 'Bullshit'. When it comes to your spelling, that was definitely perfect. Well done!

Can I just say, I kind of disagree with what Elinor said about your characters. It's a matter of opinion, I guess. I actually like how you haven't given us specific details about your characters personalities. In my opinion, you've given us just enough to go on when it comes to their characters. We don't know too much, but we don't know too little, either. For example, judging by the sentence about your MC's manicured and also when you mentioned Marianne's long blonde hair, I can sort of guess that they are quite girly-girls? I think so, anyway. I also think that you show Marianne as being a bit of a drama queen. Mind you, a girl has just died... This is just my opinion, but yeah, I kind of disagree with what Elinor said about your characters. The main reason for this, I think, is because people tend to have different opinions on prologues. Some people seem to think that they should be more vague, with not many details. Others seem to think that they should have more details in them.

My only critique for this, to be honest, is your descriptions of your characters emotions. I don't really think that your displaying their emotions as clearly as you could. Think about it; this prologue is about a girl telling her friend that another girl is dead. It's a pretty emotional situation! The reason that emotion is important in this prologue is the fact that it helps cause tension, instantly making the prologue more effective. You have showed your characters emotions a bit in this, I just believe that you could show them even more. Like I said at the beginning of the nit-picks, tell us how Marianne's eyes were bloodshot and how she'd clearly been crying. As for your MC, you should be able to show her emotions even clearer. Tell us readers how, when your MC got told about Lucy dying, her heart skipped a beat. Don't use that exactly, it's pretty cliché anyway. But I think that you get the idea, don't you?

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Hey there jazz! (I can call you jazz, right?) I'm here to honor our deal. xD All of my comments and corrections will be in pink.

Prologue: Brooke

"Brooke, Lucy's dead." Marianne speed-walked towards me, ignoring the homeroom teachers protests, her Starbucks coffee spilling over the edge of the cup in her rush to get to me. Her long blonde hair was up in a neat bun today, and her clothes were, as usual, perfect. This paragraph really grabs my attention. It really does what it should as an opening paragraph, in my opinion. I can already get a feel for what kind of person Marianne is just by the way she is so neat and put together. I can also see that she's frazzled though.

"Bullshit." I took a sip of my PinkBerry smoothie and ignored the Lucy bit, already filing it into trash in my mental filing cabinet. I think I would change that last part to: ...already filing it into my mental trash bin. or something like that. Also, Brooke's response is perfect! It seems just like something I would say if I were in that sort of situation. I like how you make her seem dismissive by saying that she just drinks her smoothie and dismisses Marianne.

Marianne's eyes were wide and more iced coffee spilled out of the cup as she fiercely shook her head.

"No, legit. She like, offed herself."

"What the hell? Who told you this?" I think instead of 'What the hell?' You should put: Why the hell would she do that? It just seems more fitting with the sentence. Although, if you're going to have Brooke ask why later then I would change the sentence to just What? That way she doesn't seem angry at what she learned.

I set my smoothie down on the fake, wooden table and turned my focus to my gossipy little friend. I knew Marianne was secretly pleased that she got my all attention, something that rarely happened, so she pounced on the opportunity.

"I saw it. The cops were at her place and I asked what happened. You know John? Yeah, he told me that she OD'd on Prozac or something. She apparently wrote a suicide note too."

I blinked a few times, trying to comprehend what she was saying. Suicide note. It makes a bit more sense to have a question mark after suicide note because you just say that Brooke is trying to comprehend what she just heard.

"Who's the note to? Does it say why?" I blurted, my immaculately manicured nails making crescents in my palm as I pushed them into my hand under the desk . When did they sit? I thought they were standing in like a hallway or something.

Marianne looked down at her shirt, playing with the frayed edges. She was making me wait, so it must be really good. I'm pretty sure you changed tenses right then, but I'm not quite sure how to fix it. I think it would be correct if it said:...so it must've been really good. I'm not quite sure though since I'm not a grammar whiz.

"It-It's to you."

I'm officially hooked! You reeled me in with your realistic characters and emotional description. Although, I don't get as many emotions from Brooke as I would like since it's a first person story. I really like the idea, and I'm pretty sure that's all I have to say. The rest of my comments are up there.^ See you in the next section.

Always,
~Danie

Blah, I feel so wrong digging up all these old topics so after I finish this stupid dare I'm going to have to review like a million new works just so I don't feel so bad.

"No, legit. She like, offed herself,"

See this is good dialogue for this character, very realistic and gives me a good idea what she's like.

"Who's the note to? What does it say why?," I blurted, my immaculately manicured nails making crescents in my palm as I pushed them into my hand under the desk .

I like this part a lot, just needs a bit of tweaking.

Marianne looked down at her shirt, playing with the frayed edges.

O.M.G. She's a spoiled rich kid, and distressed clothes are sooo last year and wouldn't be caught DEAD in a shirt that made her look like a hobo. ;D Maybe instead you can further add to her bratty kid persona by have her stare at her expensive high heels, or fiddle with a gold ring. Just a suggestion.

Interesting beginning, a little short, but I guess I'll find out what happens in the next chapter.

~Hope