"It's the Rules!"

Chapter One:

Wee woo wee woo wee woo P.J. ran around the living room making firetruck noises, drowning out the sound of my favorite T.V show House. Annoyed I turned up the volume. P.J. stopped dead in his track and slapped his hand over his mouth "It's to loud! Not allowed to be over twenty." When I ignored him he stomped his foot on the ground and said "It's the rules!"

P.J. was diagnosed with autism a few years ago. We all knew he had it before they told us so it wasn't much of a shock. The doctors suggested making a set of rules for him. So we did. And P.J. follows everyone of the. Well, most of the time anyway. But that also means that I have to follow them too. Which includes the rule to always knock on Katie's door before entering. So basically I have to knock on my own door.

I'm not saying that I don't love P.J. and all, I do, it's just he gets so annoying sometimes. But I know he can't help it.

Sometimes at night I'll sneak into his room and just watch him sleep. He's just so sweet and innocent that it makes me feel awful when I get mad at him.

Digging through her purse mom said, "Katie, have you seen my keys?"

Looking up at P.J. I raised my eyebrows. He tried to control himself but he burst out laughing.

Mom knelt on the floor and placed her hands on P.J's shoulders "Honey, where are mommy's keys? We need to go to the clinic to get a check-up."

P.J. pointed to the fish tank. And of course, the keys lay on the blue pebbles at the bottom of the tank. With a sigh mom stood up and walked over to the tank.

Snatching up the keys from the bottom she said, "Come on Katie, you're coming too." I knew better than to protest.

I paused the T.V and ran up to my room for my camera. The clinic's location is the most beautiful place. They have little antique shops and small cafes. And it's near the water too.

Placing the camera into the large periwinkle case I ran outside.

Hi, Words! I'm KD, and I'll be your reviewer today.

WordsInMyMind wrote:Wee woo wee woo wee woo P.J. ran around the living room making firetruck noises, drowning out the sound of my favorite T.V show, House.

Haha, great way to start! Since House is a TV show, it must be italicized. Remember to put another period after the 'J' in 'P.J.'.

WordsInMyMind wrote:P.J. stopped dead in his tracks and slapped his hand over his mouth. "It's too loud! Not allowed to be over twenty." When I ignored him he stomped his foot on the ground and said, "It's the rules!"

I already love P.J. Generally you would have people say: 'It's not allowed to be over twenty' but I left the sentence alone, since that's how kids like P.J. would speak in reality; they generally use broken off sentences. You might need to hint though that when P.J. says 'over twenty' he's talking about how high the volume is.

WordsInMyMind wrote:So they we did.

WordsInMyMind wrote:And P.J follows everyone of them.

WordsInMyMind wrote:So basically I have to knock on my own door.

WordsInMyMind wrote:Digging through her purse, mMom said, "Katie, have you seen my keys?"

I see this problem everywhere. Capitalize 'Mom' and 'Mommy' when they're used as a name. Same with 'Grandpa', 'Auntie', etc.

WordsInMyMind wrote:Looking up at P.J. I rose raised my eyebrows. He tried to control it himselfbut he burst out laughing.

WordsInMyMind wrote:Mom kneeledknelt on the floor and placed her hands on P.J.'s shoulders. "Honey, where are mMommy's keys? We need to go to the clinic to get a check-up."

WordsInMyMind wrote:Snatching up the keys from the bottom she said, "Come on Katie, you're coming too." I knew better than to protest.

WordsInMyMind wrote:I paused the T.V. and ran up to my room for my camera. Where the clinic is is the most beautiful place. The clinic is the most beautiful place. They haveIt has little antique shops and small cafes. And it's near the water too.

WordsInMyMind wrote:Placing the camera into theits large periwinkle case, I ran outside.

Overall:

Haha, this was great! I loved this. I'm already in love with adorable P.J. and I love how realistic his character is and how realistically his family treats him/his case. I was smiling the whole time I read this! *likes*

Hope I helped, I'm looking forward to reading more. Great start-

KD

Oh. My. God.

Well since Kaedee practically dissected the beginning of your story, I really don't have anything to critique on~!

But, I will say this; I absolutely love your story!

And the best thing about that, is I'm guaranteed to read and comment on each chapter you add to this! I love it! Like Kaedee said, all of the characters and the situations seem so realistic! I'm already in love with little P.J.!

Love, love, love it!

Impatiently waiting for your next installment,
Chupa

Hi Words!

How are you? I see that you just joined YWS a few days ago-how are you liking it so far? Anyway, I quite like the idea behind the story, but to me, it's all just wasted potential. Dealing with autism is definitely not a light topic, and you seem to treat it as such. However, what really bothers me is a few things; the silly grammar mistakes and the telling instead of showing.

Anyway, about the grammar mistakes-they aren't that hard to fix. We all know the basics laws of grammar, although we do make mistakes sometimes. That's why it's super important to read through your story at least twice; one to yourself, and once out loud. Also, running it through a spell checker is good-YWS even has one that you can use to catch any last minute mistakes before you post. If you fix these things, it will show the reader that you are serious about your writing because you took the time and care to fix things. If you don't, you come across as lazy, which is never good.

This chapter is also very short, and I think that's mostly due to the telling instead of showing. Don't know the difference? Well, with telling, you just state the dull facts, while with showing, you get into details and description. If you compare a story to a play, showing would be people acting it out with costumes and set pieces, while telling would be someone sitting on stage, reading out the script to the audience? Get the difference? If you show, your story really comes alive-thus making it all that more interesting, memorable, and relate-able. Here's a prime example of telling your piece:

P.J was diagnosed with autism a few years ago. We all knew he had it before they told us so it wasn't much of a shock. The doctors suggested making a set of rules for him. So they did.

You could get into so much more detail with this; almost an entire short story. Since this a novel, I think you have freedom to devote almost a couple of pages to this. Tell us about when and how he was diagnosed; what signs led Katie and her family to believe that P.J. had autism. Like I said before, It's not a light topic that families would just throw around. I recommend you do a bit of research on the symptoms so you can craft this a little better. Doing so, you'll get a lot of room for character development so that we'll feel more sorry for Katie and P.J. If you need more help with this, take a look at this article. It will help a lot, and in the future you can develop good writing habits.

That's all I really had to say. You got some good comments from Kaydee and Chup that I want to echo. You've got a fantastic idea on your hands-just try to give it the quality writing that it's worth. Good luck with this, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo

Helloooo,

Everything about the story was already talked about so I'll just give you my opinion.

It sucked

JUST KIDDING! I loved it! You have a knack at writing and I hope you continue to write this story. I can already tell it's going to be good, you can usually tell by the first chapter.

If you could, please review my stories. Atleast "Fairytale: A love story..." because if you do, that'd be cool.

I will most defiantly be reading more!

-iheartbooks♥

This is a little short but it's really great! P.J. is just so adorable, you're characters are so realistic, and I just loved it!

There are a few grammar mistakes here and there but we all do that sometimes so it's okay, just fix those okay?

fictionfanatic

I like the idea you have about an autistic brother. I also like the part about watching him sleep. Everything could use a little more detail, however. Expand upon why he means alot to you, maybe go into just how difficult it is to live with him. good luck!

Hello there!

Here to review.
Errors in red.
Comments in blue.

Wee woo wee woo wee woo P.J. ran around the living room making firetruck noises, drowning out the sound of my favorite T.V show House. Annoyed, I turned up the volume. P.J. stopped dead in his track and slapped his hand over his mouth "It's too loud! Not allowed to be over twenty." When I ignored him he stomped his foot on the ground and said, "It's the rules!"

I don't think 'slapped' here is the right word... maybe 'covered'?

And P.J. follows everyone of the. need continuation here Well, most of the time anyway. But that also means that I have to follow them too. Which includes the rule to always knock on Katie's door before entering. So basically I have to knock on my own door.Funny

I like this paragraph!

I'm not saying that I don't love P.J. and all, I do, it's just he gets so annoying sometimes. But I know he can't help it. Awww...

Sometimes at night I'll sneak into his room and just watch him sleep. He's just so sweet and innocent that it makes me feel awful when I get mad at him.So sweet! I really like it!

Looking up at P.J. I raised my eyebrows. He tried to control himself but he burst out laughing.That made me laugh!

Other paragraphs, have been covered up already by one reviewer.

Overall: I really like this. It was short but it was really a wonderful story. I like how your MC showed her concern to her autistic brother... I too felt sorry for J.P. I was happy how your characters seem to understand well J.P and they were very patient to every of his actions. You also need to work on your punctuations and commas. Aside form those things, just edit this up a bit and voila! This would turn a good short story.

Keep up the good work!

Peace out!

This is neat, but it's a lot like the book Rules by Cynthia Lord. The girl in Rules also has an autistic brother that they have created a set of rules for, and the main point of that story is pretty much the same as yours. Maybe if you want to write a story about a girl with an autistic brother, put a new twist on it, like maybe he has an incredible talent at painting or playing an instrument.

I looked up the book and OH MY GOD! I so didn't know that! That is so weird.

So I'll put some twist into another chapter.

But just wow. I guess great minds think alike. Haha, just kidding.