Popularity Wars Chapter Two

JoJo ran across the hallway to the girls' washroom. It wasn't exactly the cleanest bathroom in the world. The mirrors were cracked, and the paint on the wall was starting to peel. The sink's hot water faucet didn't even work.

She splashed her face with ice-cold water, sobbing. Her face was still as red as a tomato. She couldn't walk into a classroom like this without people pointing or laughing at her. She would just have to wait it out in a stall.

The stall's door had scribbling and doodling all over it. Ronnie <3 Mark. Britney <3 Chris. Class of 2007. It would take an hour to read all of it. The late bell rang, echoing throughout the school.

JoJo had to go to her next class or she would get detention. She slung her backpack over her shoulders and took one last look into the mirror. She winced, it was still as red as before.

She had no choice, she wasn't going to risk detention. She hurried to her next class, history. As if her day couldn't get any worse, it was her least favorite class. No, in fact, she hated it. It wasn't like she had anything against history, it's just that most of the Populars were in that class. What a wonderful opportunity for them to tease her. At least Aly and Julie weren't there.

JoJo quietly stepped through the doorway and slipped into her seat at the back. Mr. Jenson was lecturing about World War II and about the countries involved. He had his back to the class, trying to write everything he was saying on the blackboard as he was saying it.

Please don't call on me, please don't call me, thought JoJo. So far nobody noticed her. They were too busy pretending to read while sleeping or passing notes. As long as she doesn't say anything, maybe she could get through this class without anyone teasing her...

Mr. Jenson turned around. "Now, could someone tell me a country that fought in World War II? Hmmm, how about you, JoJo?"

JoJo's eyes darted around the room. They still didn't notice yet. "Umm, let's see...hmmm...I think...," said JoJo, having no idea. People were starting to turn around.
"Italy!"

Everyone cracked up. Mr. Jenson tried to quiet his class,"Now, it isn't nice to make fun of other people's mistakes." But the class didn't stop laughing.

JoJo felt her face getting hot. She knew her ears were turning red. Her hands started sweating.

"Hey, guys, remember lunch?" a boy called out. All his friends laughed harder and slapped high fives with him. "Crybaby Jo-"

There was a thunderous BANG! at the front of the room. "Quiet, class! Anyone who utters one more word gets a detention slip and a trip to the office!"Mr. Jenson shouted.

The class suddenly grew silent. Nobody have ever seen Mr. Jenson so angry before. He was usually the teacher whom they can goof off in front of.

"We are a school that has high standards! We don't tolerate bullying, and any sign of it will get reported to the principal, which could get you landed in suspension! Understand?"Mr.Jenson shouted."I will not tolerate any more of this disrespectfulness. This stops now! You hear me?"

"Yes.." The class muttered.

The bell rang. Everyone gathered their stuff, except a girl who JoJo recognized as one of Julie's best friends. What was it, Heather?

She walked over to JoJo's desk with a sneer. "We're gonna make you regret what you ever did. Keep that in mind, you didn't win this time, loser. Next time, we're gonna make you feel so miserable, you'll beg us to stop." With that, Heather went back to her seat and picked up her stuff to go to her next class.

JoJo sat in her seat for a minute, unable to move. She was stunned at how cruel the Populars could be. What happened to the nice little girls that she knew when she was in elementary school. She sighed, this was middle school. Nothing's a game anymore. She wiped away a few tears that she didn't even know she cried before. The Populars would all think she's even a bigger crybaby now.

JoJo slowly got her books and walked out of the classroom, preparing for the worst.

Its me again.

WritingWords wrote:JoJo ran across the hallway to the girls' washroom. It wasn't exactly the cleanest bathroom in the world. The mirrors were cracked, and the paint on the wall was starting to peel. The sink's hot water faucet didn't even work.

JoJo splashed her face with ice-cold water, sobbing. Her face was still as red as a tomato. She couldn't walk into a classroom like this without people pointing or laughing at her. She would just have to wait it out in a stall.

The stall's door had scribbling and doodling all over it. Ronnie <3 Mark. Britney <3 Chris. Class of 2007. It would take an hour to read all of it. The late bell rang, echoing throughout the school.

JoJo had to go to her next class or she would get detention. She slung her backpack over her shoulders and took one last look into the mirror. She winced, it was still as red as before. You are using her first name wayy too much. It becomes almost robotic.

JoJo had no choice, she wasn't going to risk detention. She hurried to her next class, history. As if her day couldn't get any worse, it was her least favorite class. No, in fact, she hated it. It wasn't like she had anything against history, it's just that most of the Populars were in that class. What a wonderful opportunity for them to tease her. At least Aly and Julie weren't there.
Hmm, this paragraph seems little choppy. It just kind of jumps around
JoJo quietly stepped through the doorway and slipped into her seat at the back. Mr. Jenson was lecturing about World War II and about the countries involved. He had his back to the class, trying to write everything he was saying on the blackboard as he was saying it.

Please don't call on me, please don't call me, thought JoJo. So far nobody noticed her. They were too busy pretending to read while sleeping or passing notes. As long as she doesn't say anything, maybe she could get through this class without anyone teasing her...

Mr. Jenson turned around. "Now, could someone tell me a country that fought in World War II? Hmmm, how about you, JoJo?"

JoJo's eyes darted around the room. They still didn't notice yet. "Umm, let's see...hmmm...I think...," said JoJo, having no idea. People were starting to turn around.
"Italy!"

Everyone cracked up. Mr. Jenson tried to quiet his class,"Now, it isn't nice to make fun of other people's mistakes." But the class didn't stop laughing.

JoJo felt her face getting hot. She knew her ears were turning red. Her hands started sweating.

"Hey, guys, remember lunch?" a boy called out. All his friends laughed harder and slapped high fives with him. "Crybaby Jo-"

There was a thunderous BANG! at the front of the room. "Quiet, class! Anyone who utters one more word gets a detention slip and a trip to the office!"Mr. Jenson shouted.

The class suddenly grew silent. Nobody have ever seen Mr. Jenson so angry before. He was usually the teacher whom they can goof off in front of.

"We are a school that has high standards! We don't tolerate bullying, and any sign of it will get reported to the principal, which could get you landed in suspension! Understand?"Mr.Jenson shouted."I will not tolerate any more of this disrespectfulness. This stops now! You hear me?"

"Yes.." The class muttered.

The bell rang. Everyone gathered their stuff, except a girl who JoJo recognized as one of Julie's best friends. What was it, Heather?

She walked over to JoJo's desk with a sneer. "We're gonna make you regret what you ever did. Keep that in mind, you didn't win this time, loser. Next time, we're gonna make you feel so miserable, you'll beg us to stop." With that, Heather went back to her seat and picked up her stuff to go to her next class.

JoJo sat in her seat for a minute, unable to move. She was stunned at how cruel the Populars could be. What happened to the nice little girls that she knew when she was in elementary school. She sighed, this was middle school. Nothing's a game anymore.

JoJo slowly got her books and walked out of the classroom, preparing for the worst.

So, yeah. Its getting better. You need more emotion. Right now, I could barley care if JoJo jumped off a cliff or got a puppy because there is not reader/MC bond. I'm not feeling anything for her.

Hi Amy. Back here again.
I think I am in love with your writing! You're truly gifted and wonderful writer. You should try in for a competition. This story is also so cool and I don't need to concentrate on any heavy description or words but still I'm able to picture everything in front of my eyes.I will colour whatever I like with pink.

JoJo ran across the hallway to the girls' washroom. It wasn't exactly the cleanest bathroom in the world. The mirrors were cracked, and the paint on the wall was starting to peel. The sink's hot water faucet didn't even work.

She splashed her face with ice-cold water, sobbing. Her face was still as red as a tomato. She couldn't walk into a classroom like this without people pointing or laughing at her. She would just have to wait it out in a stall. Just rephrase this sentence. This seems a bit awkward to me.

The stall's door had scribbling scribbles(I am not sure about this word also but the scribbling word doesn't seem right) and doodling all over it. Ronnie <3 Mark. Britney <3 Chris. Class of 2007. It would take an hour to read all of it. The late bell rang, echoing throughout the school.

JoJo had to go to her next class or she would get a detention. She slung her backpack over her shoulders and took one last look into the mirror. She winced, it What was still red as before? You should mention her face. was still as red as before.

She had no choice, she wasn't going to risk detention. She hurried to her next class, history. As if her day couldn't get any worse, it was her least favorite class. No, in fact, she hated it. It wasn't like she had anything against history, it's just that most of the Populars were in that class. What a wonderful opportunity for them to tease her! At least Aly and Julie weren't there.

JoJo quietly stepped through the doorway and slipped into her seat at the back. Mr. Jenson was lecturing about World War II and about the countries involved in it. He had his back to the class, trying to write everything he was saying on the blackboard as he was saying it.

Please don't call on me, please don't call me, thought JoJo. So far nobody noticed her. They were too busy pretending to read while sleeping or passing notes. As long as she doesn't say anything, maybe she could get through this class without anyone teasing her...

Mr. Jenson turned around. "Now, could someone tellname me a country that fought in World War II? Hmmm, how about you, JoJo?"

JoJo's eyes darted around the room. They still didn't notice yet. "Umm, let's see...hmmm...I think...," said JoJo, having no idea. People were starting to turn around.
"Italy!"

Everyone cracked up. Mr. Jenson tried to quiet his class,"Now, it isn't nice to make fun of other people's mistakes." But the class didn't stop laughing.

JoJo felt her face getting hot. She knew her ears were turning red. Her hands started sweating.

"Hey, guys, remember lunch?" a boy called out. All his friends laughed harder and slapped high fives with him. "Crybaby Jo-"

There was a thunderous BANG! at the front of the room. "Quiet, class! Anyone who utters one more word gets a detention slip and a trip to the office!"Mr. Jenson shouted.

The class suddenly grew silent. Nobody have had ever seen Mr. Jenson so angry before. He was usually the teacher whom they can goof off in front of.

"We are a school that has high standards! We don't tolerate bullying, and any sign of it will get reported to the principal, which could get you landed in suspension! Understand?"Mr.Jenson shouted."I will not tolerate any more of this disrespectfulness. This stops now! You hear me?"

"Yes.." The class muttered in a sleepy tone.

The bell rang. Everyone gathered their stuff, except a girl, who JoJo recognized as one of Julie's best friends. What was it, Heather?

She walked over to JoJo's desk with a sneer. "We're gonna make you regret what you ever did. Keep that in mind, you didn't win this time, loser. Next time, we're gonna make you feel so miserable, you'll beg us to stop." With that, Heather went back to her seat and picked up her stuff to go to her next class.

JoJo sat in her seat for a minute, unable to move. She was stunned at how cruel the Populars could be. What happened to the nice little girls that she knew when she was in elementary school. She sighed, this was middle school. Nothing's a game anymore. She wiped away a few tears that she didn't even know she cried before.She wiped away the tears rolling down her cheeks. The Populars would all think she's even a bigger crybaby now.

JoJo slowly got her books and walked out of the classroom, preparing for the worst.

I am feeling frustrated; I don;'t have anything to suggest you to. This makes me a crybaby too. No, I don't wanna be like JoJo.

I understand that this is Middle school and all but atleast she can have one friend for herself, one who's just like her. Another loser can do! Think about that!

Hey again
Back for another review!

Red = Corrections/negatives
Blue = Things I like
Bold = My comments

JoJo ran across the hallway to the girls' washroom. It wasn't exactly the cleanest bathroom in the world. The mirrors were cracked, and the paint on the wall was starting to peel. The sinks hot water faucet didn't even work. Good use of description here.

She splashed her face with ice-cold water, sobbing. Her face I don't really like the repetition of the word face here. You could just write 'it was still e.t.c' instead of 'Her face was still e.t.c'. was still as red as a tomato. She couldn't walk into a classroom like this without people pointing or laughing at her. She would just have to wait it out in a stall.

The stall Once again, a bit of awkward repetition.'s door had scribbling and doodling all over it. Ronnie <3 Mark. Britney <3 Chris. Class of 2007. It would take an hour to read all of it. The late bell rang, echoing throughout the school.

JoJo had to go to her next class or she would get detention. She slung her backpack over her shoulders and took one last look into the mirror. She winced; it was still as red as before.

She had no choice, she wasn't going to risk detention. She hurried to her next class, history. As if her day couldn't get any worse, it was her least favorite class. No, in fact, she hated it. It wasn't like she had anything against history, it's just that most of the Populars were in that class. What a wonderful opportunity for them to tease her. At least Aly and Julie weren't there.

JoJo quietly stepped through the doorway and slipped into her seat at the back. Mr. Jenson was lecturing about World War II and about the countries involved. He had his back to the class, trying to write everything he was saying on the blackboard as he was saying Awkward repetition again. it.

Please don't call on me, please don't call me, thought JoJo. So far nobody noticed her. They were too busy pretending to read while sleeping or passing notes. As long as she didn't say anything, maybe she could get through this class without anyone teasing her...

Mr. Jenson turned around. "Now, could someone tell me a country that fought in World War II? Hmmm, how about you, JoJo?"

JoJo's eyes darted around the room. They still hadn't noticed her yet. "Umm, let's see...hmmm...I think...," said JoJo, having no idea. People were starting to turn around.
"Italy!"

Everyone cracked up. Mr. Jenson tried to quiet his class,"Now, it isn't nice to make fun of other people's mistakes." But the class didn't stop laughing.

JoJo felt her face getting hot. She knew her ears were turning red. Her hands started sweating. Descriptions!

"Hey, guys, remember lunch?" a boy called out. All his friends laughed harder and slapped high fives with him. "Crybaby Jo-"

There was a thunderous BANG! at the front of the room. "Quiet, class! Anyone who utters one more word gets a detention slip and a trip to the office!"Mr. Jenson shouted.

The class suddenly grew silent. Nobody had ever seen Mr. Jenson so angry before. He was usually the teacher whom they could goof off in front of.

"We are a school that has high standards! We don't tolerate bullying, and any sign of it will get reported to the principal, which could get you landed in suspension! Understand?"Mr.Jenson shouted."I will not tolerate any more of this disrespectfulness. This stops now! You hear me?"

"Yes.." The class muttered.

The bell rang. Everyone gathered their stuff, except a girl who JoJo recognized as one of Julie's best friends. What was it, Heather?

She walked over to JoJo's desk with a sneer. "We're gonna make you regret what you ever did. This sounded a bit awkward, try rephrasing it maybe? Keep that in mind, you didn't win this time, loser. Next time, we're gonna make you feel so miserable, you'll beg us to stop." With that, Heather went back to her seat and picked up her stuff to go to her next class. What a nice girl...

JoJo sat in her seat for a minute, unable to move. She was stunned at how cruel the Populars could be. What had happened to the nice little girls that she knew when she was in elementary school? She sighed, this was middle school. Nothing was a game anymore. She wiped away a few tears that she didn't even know she cried before. The Populars would all think she's an even a bigger crybaby now.

JoJo slowly got her books and walked out of the classroom, preparing for the worst.

Overall

I think that this was actually quite a bit better than the first chapter! You've used description a bit more and I'm beginning to feel some kind of sympathy towards JoJo. The grammar is also still pretty much perfect! There were a few missing words, but I've corrected them for you. So yeah, definitely better.

Once thing I will mention though is that you tend to change tenses. I actually noticed this a bit in the first chapter, but I didn't say anything because my review was dragging on a bit! I'll just mention it here, okay? For example, in one place you wrote 'gone' instead of 'went'. Changing tenses can be very confusing for the reader, so make sure that you know what tense you want to be writnig in! I'm assuming that you're writing this in past tense so try your best to keep it that way. This is pretty easy to sort out though; simply read over your work before posting it.

Most of the negative things about this, I've already mentioned in the first review I did. The story's still a bit on the cliche side because you're still getting a load of girls to bully and taunt JoJo. Like someone else has mentioned, surely, JoJo must have at least one friend? Even unpopular kids always seem to have one friend, even if that friend is a complete dork themselves. It would also make the story more interesting if JoJo had a friend because it would give her someone to talk to. At the moment, she hasn't actually said much at all.

Although your descriptions are improving, there are some areas where your descriptions are weak and those areas are important! You haven't actually described what the poeple look like, for example. At the beginning of this, when JoJo was looking in the mirror, you could have described her. You could have said how her plain brown eyes were bloodhsot or how her small nose looked as though it had swollen up. Do you get what I mean? Also, a description of the populars would be good too! What does Aly look like? Does she have natural, curly, bleach blonde hair? Or does she have long, beautiful chocolate brown hair? The same goes for Heather and Julie. We need to know more.

My other nit-pick about the characters is that they're all kind of similar. Well, the populars are, anyway. I understand that popular's are similar anyway, they're like clones, after all. They would still have unique parts to their personality. In the first chapter, I could tell that Aly was a bit different to the rest of the populars because she kind of felt sorry for JoJo. That was good! You need a bit more difference between the rest of your characters as well. You said that everyone in JoJo's class were laughing. Come on, there would have been someone who felt sorry for her. If not, even someone who just ignored her.

Another thing that I noticed in this chapter was repetition. This is the first area where I noticed it.

She splashed her face with ice-cold water, sobbing. Her face was still as red as a tomato.

You didn't really need to say face again here, you could have just said it. By doing this, your story gains a better flow and it isnt so awkward to read.
You've done this a few times in this chapter, I've pointed out the one's I've noticed. All you need to do is reohrase thems lightly so that you aren't repeating the same words over and over again. Sorry if I'm not making sense here!

Sorry if I'm sounding a bit harsh, I'm trying to be as nice as possible! I'm not saying that this is bad, no way! It's definitely got potential and I do prefer it to the first chapter. I'm still liking your characters names and your descriptions have improved. I'm also beginning to feel more sympathy towards JoJo. All that you need to do now is make me feel that bit more sympathetic towards her.

Like I've said before, this chapter is a lot better than the first. You are slowly beginning to draw my attention, that's always a good sign. Your grammar is up to scratch and there aren't any missplelled words in this chapter. I'm not trying to sound annoying here, but for your age, you're actually a very good writer! I mentioned this in the first reveiw and I'm mentioning it again. You really do remind me of myself when I was eleven. My writing was very simialr to yours, come to htink of it. I have improved an awful lto since then and I am confident that in a few years time, you'll be an amazingly skilled writer! Just practice, practice and practice!

Just take into account what us reviewers have said and try to consider how you can improve. Give the characetrs faces, not just names. Make us feel annoyed, scared, worried, happy. Keep those tenses definite, make sure that it's either in the present tense or the past tense. If you do decide to edit these a bit, be sure to ask me to review them in my Will Review For Food thread! I'd be glad to help.

Keep writing and good luck!

xoxo Skins

Okay, so you've got some pretty thorough critics, so I'm just going to say a few quick things that I think need to be fixed, and forgive me if they've already been said.

You say her name way too much. It takes away from the human aspect and makes her seem like a character from Dick and Jane. "Jojo goes inside. Jojo looks in the mirror. Jojo does this, Jojo does that." It takes away from the story, pronouns are your friends!

JoJo's eyes darted around the room. They still didn't notice yet. "Umm, let's see...hmmm...I think...," said JoJo, having no idea. People were starting to turn around.
"Italy!"
Everyone cracked up.

Now, question. Why are they laughing? Is it because she took so long to get the answer? I don't quite get it.

They're laughing because she answered so incorrectly. The correct answer is far from her answer. Thanks for all your reviews! I will try to improve my writing!

But uhh...I'm pretty sure Italy did fight in World War II...

I'm studying World war 11 right now and Italy was in the war. There were several other wars that began because of Germany innvading PolaND. But other than that I like your story, I think you could add something that jojo did to them, that makes them angry because she didn't do anything and they are all ready planning ultimate revenge for her pretty much being alive. I definitly think you should write more, I like it even though its origional I have always like al;ways liked stories about idiotic popular driven people ganging up the unpopular-care-about-who-they-are-inside people. Keep Writing more!
- Snickerdooly

I'll do the sections thing again as you're probably not in need of any more nit-picks ^^

Bathroom

Slow that scene down. That's the perfect chance for JoJo to be herself and show her colours. How does she calm herself down? You're rushing too much. I'm the type to close my eyes and just drink in the quiet for a bit and think. However, some people like to splash water on their face, others like to cry it out, some like to hold onto something really hard, some might carry a comforter around. A small teddy or keyring. A notebook to write the sad things down in. I'd like to see how JoJo deals with her life. Also, you have a mirror so describe a little of what she looks like to us. Does she wear make-up? In which case, does she wipe it all off or try to fix it up? Does she brush her hair? Run her fingers through it?

Friends

Okay so a lot of bad things can happen to one kid and there is always that kid who's the most picked on and always teased. However, there's got to be a point where it gets stupid. There has to be friend characters. A novel of this type just won't work without them. Look at Harry Potter, at High School Musical, at any film or book that rotates around a school. No matter how nerdy the main character is, he or she has at least one friend. Maybe you was planning to bring one in later but really, chapter three is too late. There needs to be one present by chapter two, even if it's only a potential friend.


I liked this section better than the first but I feel like you need to slow down and write more for each chapter. These are very brief chapters. Also, perhaps have the teacher pick on someone else for the first answer and then pick JoJo to answer the second question or ask her to add another country. It would be less of a coincidence if she weren't picked first, just when she's hoping he doesn't choose her.

Heather xx

Hey,

I just wanted to say Italy definitely fought in WWII. I'm like a WWII nerd and they fought with the allies. Maybe you can have Jojo say Switzerland or something. Another thing, I don't understand why you write her name out as JoJo. She isn't Hannah Montana, it should just be Jojo. Another thing, you say her name way to much. Like Bonds said, it makes her seem less of a human and more of an item. Other than that, you've got a pretty cliche but good story going on here. Here's something I ask people to do for my stories; can you predict what will happen? This is what I think is going to happen in this story,

Jojo will be made fun of for a while, then she'll fight back and they'll somehow accept her but something really bad will happen and she will get Aly or Amy back as a friend and she will live happily ever after. This is such a over used topic, I'd definitely make it more original. But no vampires :p

~Jasmine Bells~

Hello there, WW!

Here to review.

I have actually decided to read this chapter for a better understanding of your story before reading the chapter three. So anyway, I thought I could give a piece of my opinions, clarifications, suggestions and some corrections. And seeing those previous critiques above me, I won't go bother much anymore of the errors I have seen so far.

JoJo ran across the hallway to the girls' washroom. It wasn't exactly the cleanest bathroom in the world. The mirrors were cracked, and the paint on the wall was starting to peel. The sink's hot water faucet didn't even work.

I'm not saying I didn't like this, but I wasn't really entertained reading this introductory paragraph. Your descriptions are somewhat common and weak. Make use of description which can make me really to imagine things other than just plainly reading or looking at it.

She splashed her face with ice-cold water, sobbing. Her face was still as red as a tomato. She couldn't walk into a classroom like this without people pointing or laughing at her. She would just have to wait it out in a stall.

I have to agree with Kitty15. You don't need to speed up the pace, let your readers know more about JoJo in that place. And with the mirror in front of her, you could have taken the chance to describe more of her physical features, not just showing us that her face looks like a tomato or something. Also, being rational here, I would just like to suggest that you add up more actions. I mean, after Jojo splashes her face, I was imagining her face damp, but one thing that confused me is that, you didn't mention here if she took out a towel from her bag to wipe or dry her wet face.

She hurried to her next class, History.

Just make that a capital 'H'.

He had his back to the class, trying to write everything he was saying on the blackboard as he was saying it.

Repetition, my friend, are never fun to read. So, rephrase that into a simpler sentence.

There was a thunderous BANG! at the front of the room.

I think you don't need to emphasize the word "Bang" by capitalizing it at all and adding an exclamation point after it.

JoJo sat on her seat for a minute, unable to move.

She was stunned at how cruel the Populars could be.

This surprised me. I thought she have expected the Populars to be mean at her, just like what she have experienced with them in Chapter one.


~

As far as I could see, this is pretty cliche' but I think you have written it well. Your verb consistency are all good and as with your spellings too. But when I define your main character, I find her weak, there's nothing about her that could truly out-stand her from the other books or movies that I've read so far, which have the same concept as yours. But, I'm not really forcing you to make her change but I know something will happen to JoJo in those upcoming chapters. Anyways, I also want to clarify with the pace and the flow of this piece. A dictionary and a thesaurus are your two best friends, so don't hesitate to ask help from them. You don't want to bore your readers with your repetition or a very long line that only narrates one simple action or a thing. So, I suggest that you use good words and widen up more your vocabulary.

And plus, you might want to add a bit of spice here in your story. It's almost predictable of what will happen to JoJo, do something that will make your readers not lose their interest here. Make them feel intrigue all the time, place something climatic that your readers can still read this until the every end of your novel, WW.

So kicking aside those comments, I thank you for the good read and definitely, this has potential. And forgive me if ever I was somewhat harsh but all I just wanted is to help you, you know. PM me for any questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri