Neon at Heart-Chapter One

Chapter One:

With a gasp I shot up in bed. My blankets were tossed off and my pillow was across the room. Placing my hands on either side of my face I felt the sticky sweat and muttered "Just a dream Alice Rose, just a dream." Wiping the sweat from my face a stood up, the wooden floors cold on my bare feet.

I glanced at the clock and gave a frown. I was late. Again. With a sigh I leisurely pulled on my usual wardrobe of wacky colored concoctions. Neon purple band t-shirt, neon pink mini-skirt, neon pink tights, neon green leg warmers, and neon orange high tops. Lots of neon. Walking past the bathroom I plucked my toothbrush from its place and stuck into my mouth. The fact that it didn't have toothpaste on it didn't matter to me.

I quickly swiped the bristles over my teeth as I walked to the kitchen. I threw it into the kitchen sink for mom to put back. I was just to lazy to do it right now. Hanging my head upside down I twisted my long black hair into a messy bun, which took forever since I needed four hairties to do it, and stuffed a piece of watermelon gum into my mouth. Looking into the window I swiped my purple eyeliner and green mascara on. I basically had all of my stuff in the kitchen. Mostly because my mom had to have everything in it's place so it bugged her when I put it in here. If she was going to ground me for going over Shawna's house then she could deal with it.

Mom doesn't like me being at Shawna's because she has older brothers. Mom thinks that we'll do something. Right. They weren't really my type.

Grabbing my pink drawstring backpack I ran outside to the bus stop, just making it. Luckily the bus driver was used to me being late so he always sat there for an extra minute or two. Sticking one of the ear buds to my ipod in my ear I slid into my seat and stuck the other one in Shawna's ear "Hoobastank, Reason." She said automatically. Shawna knew everything about every band and all their music.

"Correct." I said in a game show voice. "Check it out." She said as she lifted her sleeve up. Underneath her neon pink shirt lay an intricate design of henna tattoo. Grabbing her wrist I turned it this way and that until she whined "You're gonna break my arm!" I stretched my neck up to reveal my own henna tattoo. She prodded the spot on my neck and said "Oh cool!"

She gave me back my earphone and pulled out her blue and purple highlighters. Handing me the blue one she uncapped the purple and swiped it over her nails. Doing the same I said "Did you do the history homework?" She shrugged and switched to her other hand "When do I ever do my homework?" I glanced up at her and said matter-of-factly "Since your parents said they'd give you two hundred dollars if you made honor roll and we need tickets to the Hey Monday concert."

With a groan she capped her highlighter and said "Oh yeah." She twisted behind her and snatched Robert's backpack. He reached for it but she swatted at him. Digging through his bag she searched for his homework. "Do you need any homework?" I shook my head but said "Get me math." She handed me Robert's paper and took the history paper for herself. Throwing the bag back to Robert she began copying down the answers onto her own paper.

Today she wore a long sleeved neon pink shirt, neon purple skinny jeans with black sharpie written and doodled on it, and her neon blue high tops with neon orange knee-high socks over her jeans. With a flick of her wrist she flipped her temporary pink and blue hair back.
"Well that's settled."
"Nice outfits!" someone shouted.
"Shut up!" We both yelled simultaneously.

I admit our style is different. While everyone else shops at Hollister, Abrocrombi, American Eagle, and whatever Shawna and I shop at Hot Topic, Pac Sun, etc. We love our neon.

The bus screeched as it pulled up in front of the school. I hopped up and got off the bus before anyone else even stood up. Well, besides Shawna who was right behind me. I threw my backpack at her and did a cartwheel. She handed me both mine and her backpack and did a one handed cartwheel. "Freaks!" Someone yelled. We both whipped to the direction of the voice and called in unison "Poser!"

MOOSE!

Nah, just kidding. But I love your signature.

So! You have some really interesting friends here! To make this even better, consider expanding on the two girl's relationships. They are obviously very close, but I want to see more. I would love it if you could describe some of the physical motions they do with each other automatically... it's like a hidden sign language between friends! So yeah, I want to see more depth.

Good luck with your novel!

Okay I just had this whole review typed up, and then lost it, so I'm a little miffed right now. *Sigh* anyway, lets get on with it.

Neon purple band t-shirt, neon pink mini-skirt, neon pink tights, neon green leggings, and neon orange high tops. Lots of neon.

So the current fashion sense that I have automatically sees that you have her wearing both tights and leggings. Now if she lives somewhere cold, that's fine, I wear tights under my pants all the time in the winter, it's quite cozy. But if she lives somewhere warm, she's going to be really hot.

Walking past the bathroom I plucked my toothbrush from its place and stuck into my mouth. The fact that it didn't have toothpaste on it didn't matter to me.

I quickly swiped the bristles over my teeth and threw it into the kitchen sink for mom to put back. I was just to lazy to do it right now.

Okay three things here. 1) Ew. 2) The fact that she doesn't use toothpaste, and doesn't rinse her mouth out pretty much negates her brushing her teeth at all. 3) You never said anything about her moving out of the bathroom, so I assume she's still there, and then you say something about the kitchen sink and I'm going "What??" So add some action in there, show us how she's walking around the house, or just cut out the whole teeth brushing thing.

Hanging my head upside down I twisted my long black hair into a messy bun

Now I have long hair, and I love putting it up in buns, it keeps it out of my face, and it looks nice. But one thing, no matter how you tie it, or twist it, you can't get it to stay without putting something in it. Like bobby pins, or a pen, chopstick, or hair tie.

and stuffed a piece of watermelon gum into my mouth. Looking into the window I swiped my purple eyeliner and green mascara on. I basically had all of my stuff in the kitchen. Mostly because my mom had to have everything in it's place so it bugged her when I put it in here.

Okay, this is the first bit where I start to see your main character as sort of a brat. She's doing the stereotypical teenage girl with too much gum in her mouth, and the wording you use here bring to mind an annoying popular girl cracking her gum. Then there's the whole thing with the MC's mom. Leaving stuff everywhere just to piss off your mom? That's not not being different, that's not being cool, that's being a brat. So unless you give us a reason to dislike the mom, and explain her actions for doing this. I'm not liking this character very much so far.

Grabbing her wrist I turned it this way and that until she whined "You're gonna break my arm into a million pieces!"

With a groan she capped her highlighter and said "Oh yeah." She twisted behind her and snatched Robert's backpack. He reached for it but she swatted at him. Digging through his bag she searched for his homework.

Yep, tried this too. Works okay with permanent markers, which come off after a day of wear. But highlighters go much quicker so you'd have to apply several times a day just to keep the color on.

"Do you need any homework?" I shook my head but said "Get me math." She handed me Robert's paper and took the history paper for herself. Throwing the bag back to Robert, and when I say throw I mean she chucked it at his head, she stuffed the paper into her own blue backpack.

Okay so who is Robert? The other girl's brother? Or just some kid on the bus? And that's real nice, steal the homework from an assumed nerdy kid, and throw his own backpack at his head. I'm not sure if these girls are trying to be punk, emo, or just be cool because they're trying to be different. But that's not the way punks act, I'm not sure about emos, but punks? No way.

"Well that's settled." "Nice outfits!" someone shouted. "Shut up!" We both yelled simultaneously.

Should look like this, it makes it easier to read, and tell who's saying what, because the way toy have it now, is very difficult to read.

"Well that's settled."
"Nice outfits!" someone shouted.
"Shut up!" We both yelled simultaneously.

Also just to point out if they're in the middle of the school year (I assume since you don't give us any kind of setting what so ever, I don't even know what season it is...I don't even know how old they are!) and they ride the same bus, with the same people everyday, then people would be used to them and their outfits. Unless they like to be mean to other students in which case I can see people trying to piss them off by commenting on what they're wearing.

I admit our style is different. While everyone else shops at Hollister, Abrocrombi, American Eagle, and whatever. Shawna and I shop at Hot Topic, Pac Sun, etc. We love our neon.

"Freaks!" Someone yelled. We both whipped to the direction of the voice and called in unison "Poser!"

Okay well again, I think they're just trying to be all cool and different or maybe emo, but not punk (hopefully). Now unless the kid that yelled at them is "Different" in the same way they are, they wouldn't care if you called them a poser. Because unless you are punk or something like it, it doesn't really matter.

So overall, I really have a strong dislike fro your MC and her little friend. They seem more like posers to me, then anything else. I don't know where it's set, I don't know anything about anything because you don't show us, and I hope there's going to be more plot in the next chapter .

The real main thing is the characters. Please please please! I'm begging you, fix them, I don't like hating them, but I do.

Anyway, if you edit it PM me and I'll take a look at it again. Sorry to be harsh, but I want to help make this the best story it can be .

Good luck and keep writing!

I edited it some. Is it better?