The forgotten one ch.1

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The Forgotten One
By Maki-Chan

Fear is for those with
something to lose.



This is my story and no one can take it cause well I own it. ^-^


"I don't know why I am here. Maybe if there had not been any windows to the outside world I would not care. If there was no sun I would not crave to lie in its light and warmth. If there where no other colors besides there ones in my prison I would not mind the endless gray. If there was no life near me I would not know loneliness."

Chapter 1
The Imprisonment of a Boy


A young boy sits, imprisoned in a small metal room. He sits against the far side of the room staring towards the window. He sat enwrapped in chains in the area of the room where it was dark. Everyday he would stare at the window away from the rays of light, never saying anything. Its not because he can't talk or he was shy, but rather there was no point. He had no one to speak with.

He did not go near the rays of light, not because he was afraid, he was never afraid, but instead he knew that if he soaked up the warmth and light he would crave the outside world more and more. That would get him nowhere. He never moved from that spot except to eat his meal he got twice a day. Once in the morning and once at night. It was the closest this to coming in contact with another person during his long and boring days.

He never questioned why he was there. He always thought for a time that the life, if you can call it that, he lived was normal.
For most of his life all he could see was the endless gray and feel the coldness of the metal room. But there was one memory he had. One that was actually quite pleasant. He remembers sitting in a vast meadow. All around him is a melody of sounds and colors. All of which amazes him.

All of a sudden a woman picks him up. She would quickly embrace him. He could feel the strength in her embrace, but also he can tell she was very gentle with him. Being careful not to hurt him, as if she cared for him with all of her heart. He remembers the warmth of her body, the smell of her perfume, and the softness of her lightly tanned skin. Out of all the things he likes to remember of her was her smile. The smile she gave was a warm and friendly one that always filled his heart with joy. He also liked the sweet kind words that came from her mouth, making her red and slightly chapped lips move. In the memory he could not understand her words since he was very young then, or at least he thinks he was. The woman would always are brightly colored dresses. The dresses she wore always had flowers on them. He did not care if she liked flowers or not. He was just glad to be in this paradise with her.

Everyday he would imagine that wonderful world, that caring woman and being there. It was one of the only things he could do. All hours of the day he would daydream of that place and at night he would dream of that perfect world. It was the only thing that kept him sane. The thought of one day returning there with that woman gave him hope.

It was very strange to him. He did not know why he understood the words in his head and the feelings in his heart.
Despite his many questions like "Why am I here?", "How did I get here?" and "Who is that woman?" he had no answers. All he could do is guess. But there was one question that he could not truly answer."Who am I?? This one question was always in the front of his mind and at the bottom of his heart.

The boy knew this was all very pointless but after being bored for so long you start doing things and wondering about things you would not care about.
"Maybe...I can..." He stopped.

He closed his eyes and listened. He could hear the sounds of birds churping. The sun was high in the sky to the point that the direct rays no longer poured into the room. He reached his hand towards the window. That's all he did that involve coming close to the window. Years ago when he would stand in front of it he would always watch the many things outside and wish to be free, but now he was broken unable to barely move, even to eat. His eyes teared up, and once again he cried all alone.
Last edited by Maki-Chan on Sun Dec 09, 2007 12:33 am, edited 12 times in total.




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hi.well first of all i thought your concept was pretty intruiging. but i think i wanted to see more background on this boy. overall it was a good piece, and it would have been better without the errors, i'll try to spot them all, if you'll let me:D .oh, well i'll just go ahead and do it
If there where no other colors besides there ones in my prison I would not mind the endless grey


besides THE ones in my prison

Its not because he can't talk of he was shy,


talk OR he was shy

He never moved from that spot except to go in the corner of to eat his meal he got twice a day


might i suggest changing it to "he never moved from that spot except to eat his meals which he got twice a day"

Once in the morning and once at night


i don't think you really need to elaborate the time of getting his meals, unless they play an important role later on, like in planning his escape perhaps?

He always thought for a time that the life, if you can call it that, he lived was normal.


he always thought that the life he lived was normal. i don't really see why how being chained in a room can be normal, but maybe that's just me :)

For most of his life all he could see was the endless grey and feel the coldness of the metal room


for most of his life all he knew was the coldness and grayness of the room. i thought the original one is kinda awkward

He remembers sitting in a vast meadow. All around him is a melody of sounds and colors.


he remembers sitting in a vast meadow surrounded by a melody of sounds and colors

All of which amazes him


i don't really think you need to point this out, but maybe that's just me again

He could feel the strength in her embrace, but also he can tell she was very gentle with him


he could feel the strenght in her embrace, but also the gentleness with which she handled him.??

The smile she gave was a warm and friendly one that always filled his heart with joy.


her warm and friendly smile always filled his heart with joy

In the memory he could not understand her words. Since he was very young then, or at least he thinks he was


in the memoray he could not understand her words since he was very young then, or at least he thinks he was

perfect worlds

perfect world

Despite his many questions like “Why am I here”, “How did I get here?” and “Who is that woman?” he had no answers
despite his many questions he had no answers

This one question was always in the front of his mind and at the bottom of his heart.
didn't understand this

This boy never looked outside the window. Till the day his boredom and curiosity got the better of him.
pretty boring ending

hmmm.sorry if it's a bit long, and if you think that i'm wrong in one of the criticisms feel free to tell me. this is just my personal opinion, i'm not even sure if my views are correct. anyway, this is intruguing, but keep working on it :)
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is. --Homer Simpson




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this is my farest story so far at 5 chapters in written form. I understand i am not very good at spelling or typing, which would exsplain the many mistakes! Next chaper i will try much harder!

ps. thanks for the complaments! :lol:
also later on in the story you'll see more of his past...and his name! :D

oh yah That one question "This one question was always in the front of his mind and at the bottom of his heart. Didn't understand it"
Well it means that he thinks about it alot but when he thinks about it he feels sad.

Don't worry I'm open to opinions! :D Anyways the stuff i did change i believe you were right about! Thank you!




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Again, you need to break this up into smaller bits. Its very discouraging to try and rea d the whole thing. An in-depth critique has already been done, but I just want to urge you to SPACE IT OUT!! It would be much better if there were lines between paragraphs and dialogue, and maybe if you broke up the larger paragraphs into smaller ones.

Hope this helps, and I think you're coming along nicely. :D




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Don't worry. I am alittle bit slow but I am working on this chapter stuff and it will be done!

ps thanks!




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This story jumps right into whats happening. And it would be better if you went back and explained what happened to the boy. And yes there were alot of mistakes and you should always be looking out for those.
P.S. Great story line. :) haha.




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you see later on in the story it becomes all clear, what he is, why he is there, and how he got there.




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I liked this. I agree, with a little backround of the boy and I think I would be draun ( I know I spelled this wrong.) to reading this. There was a spelling error. Instead of saying ' it wasn't because he can't talk.....' you said ' it wasn't because he can?t talk' otherwise I didn't notice many spelling mistakes. I'm one of those people who constantly get marked down for spelling in school : ( At one point I did get a little lost, but that may just be me. Good story.
I realized that I said I'd be gone for only two weeks...but I was gone for much longer.I hope to stay on this time. :)




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thanks! it shall be corrected! :D



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