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I also think you should make this two sentences. After 'thought' finish it and maybe start with 'he glanced over at it....'‘We don’t like to admit it, but we are trapped by it[comma]’ he thought, glancing over at it, as it seemed to creep forward, furthering its attempts to overwhelm everything that existed outside of it.
Oh wow. You just rolled over the tenses. Pass, present, and future I believe. Try to keep consistent.He remembers the first time his family passed through this town, not yet understanding the relevancy of that trip, not knowing that all roads ended there
no comma after water, the and is the commaA car sped by, spraying him with frigid water, and he cursed aloud.
Using the word 'relevancy' in such a way really upsets my stomach. I don't think it fits.He recognized it, the name, as well as the relevancy that was imprinted in his mind like a brand.
this sentence is a long one and should really be cut up. And it gets confusing, right at the word 'occasion'But instead he began to run down her street not allowing his resolve occasion to falter, his desire beginning to surface, overwhelming him, just as the tears—that he attributed to the wind—burned at the corners of his eyes.
remove 'light from the' and, again, this sentence is way too long. You're being wordy and its only confusing me. I guess you're trying to create, voice, maybe? Either way, these long sentences don't flow as far as I can tell.The light from the streetlights beckoned to him and each time he passed through the abrupt transition of light to dark he would once again strive forward, the darkness so impenetrable that he could not physically differentiate himself from it.
Was bound to him also.This suffering was his, and in suffering he was bound to her and felt that in some way she was to him also.
He shivered and his resolve threatened to crumble [period] Just then, A dormant confidence arose from his core that was inspired by the knowledge that there were greater things at work here~~~ see, its shorter, but says the exact same thing, and I only changed a word or two.He shivered, and just as his resolve threatened to crumble, a dormant confidence arose from his core, inspired by the knowledge that there were greater things at work here.
His voice was strained, or it sounded strained? Which one?his voice strained even to his own ears.
no comma after himHe felt tempted to ask her to moan for him, but he resisted, knowing how inappropriate that would sound.
I think you meant 'overwhelmingly' but either way, remove it I think.overwhelming brighter in contrast to the other lights—and for the briefest of seconds he remembered.
‘We don’t like to admit it, but we are trapped by it,’ he thought.
He remembered how his father leaned back from the driver’s seat towards him, and how he had said,
“If there was ever a place to hide a body this would be it.” Then he had winked.
Either way, he felt compelled onwards; edged on towards—a street sign.
It was almost fall, but you wouldn’t have known but for the cold nights, the trees themselves never change.
“Hey there Daina,” his voice sounding strained even to his own ears.
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