warning: extremly wierd and bizarre! I broke it into chapters i recomend reading one a day or at a time.
You dont have to read all of it tell me if it is funny, please.
If you copy it I shall snipe you! muhahaha!
Ha Ha
By Zelithon
Every ending is just a new beginning,
Even the end of life is the beginning of death… he he!
Chapter 1
“Meet Nurse”
Some people tell me I have a short attention span I resen-
Sorry what were we talking about?
Everybody John knew considered him an ass hole. John was inclined to agree. This has nothing to do at all with the actual story but if you are a sane person even an editor you should be captivated or at least interested by this story, that has nothing at all to do with John, nothing.
It was a school for special “children”, oops that came out wrong. Not special ,but gifted and not only intelligent gifted (in fact some were quite lacking in the brains department) but talented, like Hamtaro and his brothers for example were irresistible, and annoyingly irrepressible. While some kids marched to the beat of a different drum these kids marched the beat of a different instrument all together, like the piano for instance for Leo who learned to play the piano at a mere one years old. All the children were under 8 years old and a faf (halve) as Maxire, the oldest of the six German shepherd brothers and Sister, liked to put it and also under 4ft tall.
All of the children were indeed children though not one of them was a homo-sapient, the animals were Animals not animals understand? Probably not unless you have read Wicked; the closest one to human was Mistar-Snowman, a five year-old who was, for lack of better terms, quite a stupid jerk, besides having a photographic memory that he didn't even realize he had (his talent). Technically speaking he only looked human because he was an actual snow man (or snow child if you want to be really technical) with no DNA to speak of, and he only wore a top hat and a scarf which was more or less than the other children wore. But all the kids and their bus driver (a cranky old raspy Golden Retriever abnormally small) were treated as humans by there adoptive human parents (they knew they were adopted) except Mistar-Snowman, Mister-Moose (a girl and Mistar-Snowman's cousin) there real parents were there caregivers and no, Mistar-Snowman did not come to life by some singing kids putting his magic top hat on. Including Mistar-Snowman, Scruff, Mister-Moose and Diamond most of the kids walked on there back legs, most of the time at least.
Then there was Scruff who had three secret identities. Numba one: he was secretly Mistar-Snowman's "ka-ka" spaniel that Mistar-Snowman beat. Numba two: Scruff O'cool J., no one knew what the J. stood for, the hit cool pop star. Numba three and a half: when he went to school he either tied his ears back and was Scrufferina or just Scruff (a child). It was a bit strange none of the children suspected anything-a good number of them were geniuses (not necessarily sane with common sense ones but all the same geniuses at least in one origin), or there was always the possibility that perhaps they just didn't care, maybe he really did have them all bamboozled, either way only Mistar-Snowman let on he knew his secret and blackmailed him for it.
Mistar-Snowman and Mister-Moose were more or less raised by there own kind and you can probably guess what Mister-Moose is. The way all of children's life worked was they asked no questions (or rarely did so and usually they didn't get answers anyway) and the adults therefore told them no lies.
The A.F.T.C. (the school's name Academy For Talented Children, though the children, if asked would say it stood for Anything For The Chipmunks, don't ask why, nobody knows) was a one room school with one teacher and a bus driver. The teacher rarely taught and Zoey Spumoni, the retriever sang more than drove, she was the bus driver; and a former country singer but if you asked her she was not a former star but that she still was one, it was remarkable in the first place because even when she sang she sounded like a scratched chalkboard with a country accent. Teacher (the kids didn't know or care she was Miss.Greenlee) only answered questions occasionally and gave them their snacks at snacky time. For the most part they were left to their own devises which tended to be either complaining, practicing their assorted talents, interacting with each other or the typical stuff children do during free time at school.
In this school like all the schools of the world the students were nasty little fiends and cruel to each other. The sayings: Ah the innocence of youth and youth is wasted on the young did not apply hear; actually they probably apply nowhere and to no one but babies who still see upside down. It is another myth like a sissy is overreacting when she says oops I broke a nail! Ow! I am not a sissy and I for one know it hurts like hell. My thumb nail once came all the way off when a grocery cart fell on it. And please do not argue with me and say my children are darling little angels, no they are not they are manipulative little machines with no care for anyone but themselves you being there food sources gives you the illusion of humanity because what would they do without there food sources? Starve, so they naturally learn to suck up. Real humanity dose not come till puberty. I should know I am just a few months out of my preteens, and yes all kids are like that they were my peers. That is enough thirteen year old philosophy… for now. By the way even though I believe it my sanity is questionable so I do not blame you if you say this girl is batty.
Once upon a time, ok not that long ago, on a sunny day in a land not very far away if you live in northern California near a desert Semi Valley or Palms Springs or San Diego or Los Angeles or…
"The man in the yellow hat."
"Yes? What about him?" Diamond asked looked up from the stock market on her computer just long enough to say, the little 3 foot tall black horse with a white diamond shaped marking played the with the stock market like a cat plays with a mouse before devouring it. You may ask how a horse with hoofs can type-well just don’t ask!
"Who is he really! And why does he have a monkey? Maybe he killed George's parents to steal him," lately Pilot, a little cat-sized green and red telepathic dragon, had taken to wondering and analyzing about characters in children's books like Dick and Jane.
"Children," Teacher paused to get their attention, "we have a new nurse and to celebrate she's taking you on a field trip to the abandoned nuclear plant. Without me. Isn't that nice!"
Scruff who had abused to the point of feeling he was being terribly beaten every moment; called out "That's creepy!" which it was.
Teacher seemed to especially not hear him, probably looking forward to her break. The kids just glanced at him and returned their now sober gaze to Teacher; something wasn't right. The new nurse, a tidy, dirty-blond woman in her early 30s, did hear him though, and smiled at him, it would have been a kindly smile if it weren't for the crazy light dancing in her eyes, only Scruff seemed to notice it. Scruff grimaced.
"You can call me Nurse Class," Nurse addressed the class and grinned, "we're going to have sooo much fun together!" she exclaimed and beamed at the class.
The class shifted uneasily; sort of like animals children have a sixth sense, actually they were for the most part animals anyway. She was freaky and grownups weren't supposed to try and be friends with children, at least she wasn't going to have them call her by her first name.
"When?" questioned Sugar, a great deal too friendly blue eyed longhaired white cat (just the type of cat an evil mastermind would pet while saying "Muhahahaha!" at least in looks, besides the bow of course, his talent was being way too friendly, even though he was sincerely friendly it got sincerely annoying) who the only way to tell was a boy was the baby blue bow around his neck, volunteered to stick his head in the noose. Isis his little evil (evil being her talent) sister glared icily at him.
Isis who was an adorable skinny bean-pole petite kitten with huge lucid blue eyes and short white hair, plus to top it off a pink bow, just the sort of kitten (in her looks at least) that a young child would like to get on Christmas morn under the tree; she was not above using her innocent looks in devious plots, the only way she could get to be an evil mastermind’s cat was by being shaved completely, besides only an insane maniac evil mastermind would attempt to shave any cat at all or you might try and shave a cat if you are suicidal. Her brother, on the contrary, was rather fat and trying to get fatter to make there parents proud of him. Sugar and Isis shared a strange bond; Isis tended to detest or even hate the majority of people she met (people includes but is not limited to humans) with the exception of her brothers, Isis was the only girl sibling. In addition to them she also cherished Cosmo C. whom she had a crush on (all evil people are Whom not Who). Her bond with Sugar was the strongest, being more like an older sister she put up with his antics and watch over him while pretending to despise him though she was really quite fond of him; he was like her sidekick. Besides she was never exactly friendly to anyone unless for personal gain. After all as Isis liked to put it there are no rules in love and war… But especially the war part.
"Today of course!" Nurse informed a bit too enthusiastically, "and" she continued, "don't tell your parents its going to be our little secret Shh!" she put her index finger to her mouth in an exaggerated gesture.
"Why? Don't we need a permission slip?" Cosmo C., a black and white green eyed kitten with unusually large paws who's "talent" was also evil, asked suspiciously.
Nurse frowned but only for a second before her creepy grin reappeared even brighter this time as if to make up for the frown, "Your parents won't mind. It's just because they don't give tours and the nuclear plant is private property, so don't you worry your pretty little head about it, Aunty Nurse has it all under control," Nurse seemed even more delighted if it was possible, as the class flinched as one at "Aunty".
Cosmo mimicked under his breath nastily, "She’s creepier than a janitor! Aunty Nurse has it all under contr-"; sometimes I wonder if wild animals mimic there parents not to live on but to mock them, and sometimes it just happens to help them survive.
Sister, the only German shepherd girl, interrupted in her annoying but loveable voice without bothering to raise her paw, "I have too questions: dis makes no sense wasoever, why'r we going to a nuclear tree were not even studying dem and why'r you takinc us your just a nurse who kisses booboos an owys an dontyou dare tew me ’is cause we're cewabwaten cause dats not fun for anyone!" Sister paused then giggled, "I made a wime!" Finally done Sister sat back evidently pleased with herself in making such a speech, oh and the reason her words look like that is because they sound like that almost exactly.
If Nurse heard Cosmo she pretended not to and mindlessly corrected Sister, "Two this whatsoever why are them why are taking cuts don't you tell celebrating that's rhyme," Nurse completely disregarded the question, the children as mentioned earlier were trained not to ask many questions so they decided to pursue it no more.
Hamtaro was the only one who could think of anything to say, "Aren't I irresistible," he purred as he thrust his overgrown head forward, it wasn't a question it was a statement that was meant to be agreed with.
Once again Nurse ignored a student's comment and ordered, "We are leaving in twenty-five minutes, please be ready," the way she said it left room for no protest.
The class rambled gradually away. Voicing there doubts amongst them, Scruff and Hamtaro were amid the most opinionated, "there's gotta be something wrong with her!" Hamtaro yowled (after all he was a cat, fine so he had a tiny bit hamster in him, because he and his brothers were science projects, but it only showed in his massive cheeks) "after all," he continued, "Who wouldn't find me... Me! Irresistible!" he finished in a huff.
"Though I can't truly say I agree complete-hard abuse-ly with Hamtaro-" Hamtaro cut him off, "What do you mean you don't agree with me?" "as I was saying," Scruff intervened, "there is definitely something very strange about that nurse," when Scruff suddenly cut off and said 'hard abuse' he was referring to how much pain he was feeling at the moment as I mentioned earlier, as a matter of fact he had emotional and physical scars both visible.
“Strange, she is wearing striped brown tights! No one wears tights!” Mister-Moose, remembering a fashion show she had stayed up late to watch to show Diamond how cool she was, put in.
“Shut up, dork” Diamond replied automatically as they all turned to see the tights, and indeed the vile alien was wearing them with long colorful striped socks too.
One of Sugar and Isis’s several younger brothers, Larry; a small doglike Siamese mowface (they can only articulate mow oppose to meow, and are something like a sub breed) whined “I’m hungry.” This statement as was routine was ignored. He like the other mowfaces complained it at random frequently; they always seemed to be hungry (boy there is a lot of these parentheses!).
“She is an insult to this school and we the pupils,” said Isis trying to sound sophisticated, and doing a good job of it considering her green audience.
“Well I like her,” Sugar could never keep his mouth shut for more than two minutes at a time; unlike Isis who was the “outlandish” one of the family, after all she was skinny and didn’t indulge in numerous redundant naps.
“Well I like her” echoed throughout Isis’s mind, she hated people disagreeing with her, more than ever Sugar, “You always like everyone Sugar, and besides who asked you? Humph!”
At that point there was a pause during which Schultz nicknamed Schultzie sneezed, he was the second youngest of the German shepherd siblings and a bit chubby. It set Sister, his older sister who was the only one of the shepherd siblings who walked solely on her hind legs, into a hurricane of action, “Oh da baby needs a tissu, oh don’t worwy baby I’w save you!” Sister loved to pretend he was her baby, while Schultzie, lets just say didn’t. Sister dived and embraced him with her arms; they were already carrying a Christmas stocking she never let go of, it contained various items. Sister never took off her scarf or Santa hat even though it was way past Christmas, she carried the stocking and wore the scarf because they made the hat which hid her ear that was slightly mutated by being smaller than the other one, seem less out of place. Schultzie’s pleads and struggles were ignored as he was dragged of by his head.
“I do not she...” Sugar like the others ignored Sisters antics and made a lame attempt of defending himself against Isis, “is taking us on a fieldtr…” he faltered, “… And she smiled at me and I didn’t like that one person…” One of Sugar and Isis’s often discrepancies trialed off to Scruff’s huge ears, for Nurse had caught his eyes and was beckoning to him.
Scruff reluctantly slinked over; it was bad karma to disobey a direct order from an adult. No one noticed him leave the group because they were preoccupied with the show Isis and Sugar were putting on, or because they weren’t too observant anyway; the latter is probably more accurate.
“Yes?” he asked tentatively when he was in a rough two yards of the nurse, who smiled and giggled at him.
“I can not help but noticing that long scar you have running down your shoulder diagonally to you chest,” the nurse said softly.
Scruff immediately perked up, Mistar-Snowman had inflicted it upon him last week and it still pained him. “Maybe she can help me,” he thought excitedly. [Hey! If you know what they are thinking then why don’t you know how Diamond can type with hoofs or why the kids call the school Anything For The Chipmunks?] Shut up! Be a doll and ignore that ok? Kay.
“Can you help?” Scruff was unable to disguise his enthusiasm.
“NO.” the way said it you could hear the capitals; Scruff drooped.
“But,” she continued, “I can give you this pillow.”
Scruff frowned in bewilderment, Nurse was holding out a regular, but somehow irregular, peach bedroom pillow.
“Go on, sit on it,” Nurse encouraged, “It won’t bite… Much!” nurse broke out tittering; why did adults think that old gag was so clever and hilarious? It is about as funny as a knock-knock; those aren’t amusing at all has anyone every doubled over with laughter at one, or why did the chicken cross the road for that matter: no, of course not, no one sane ever has or ever will. Maybe at one time it was funny and witty, but they killed it and killed it again now it is dead and rotting to the point it stinks something horrible.
Slowly and suspiciously Scruff gingerly did as he was told; and gasped as his mental and physical anguish subsided almost completely. “Only soft abuse now,” he sighed. He was so relieved that it had not even occurred to him it was curious she did not know how to or treat his actual wounds. “Nurse isn’t bad she’s great; just wait until he told the others!” he thought dreamily.
“You can keep the pillow permanently if, and as long as you are my, lets just say spy on the others and tell me how they feel about me and any minor gossip, you know, just so I can help and stop any feelings from being hurt and so they like me,” said Nurse.
“Of course,” Scruff murmured almost in a trance, “whatever you want.”
“Ppeerrffeecctt,” Nurse purred and began to giggle, and then it quickly escalated in to almost hysterical laughter.
Teacher looked up for a moment from the Oprah magazine she was reading and snapped crossly, “Be quiet over there! Aren’t you gone yet? I want to be alone without seeing harebrained brats everywhere!”
Nurse responded only by giggling softer, “Ha Ha.”
“Ready to go, kids!” Nurse demanded twenty minutes later, it was a mistake to expect them to get ready on there own. Abruptly there was a blur of movement only not so blurred because you could see them all clearly. If you normally wear glasses and you took them off to see the blur of movement then there certainly was a blur.
The children looked up guiltily from there activities as they moved to get ready. Leo, a piano playing leopard the size and age of Diamond who also stood on his hind legs, was pathetically trying to finish playing a Wolfgang song on his mini piano as he rushed to get ready dragging it with him.
“What are we bringing to eat?” Cesar sometimes called Cesar Salad whined, he was another mowface and was a lion cub with a golden premature mane he was slightly bigger than Sugar even though he was only as old as Larry, even so he was adopted by Larry’s parents.
After a moment of contemplating Nurse fixed the efficient bun precariously perched on top of her head while saying, “How do bologna sandwiches, apples and juice boxes sound?” and before anyone could reply Nurse said, “Good, that it is then and maybe if your good, melon for dessert.”
By this time the kids had ceased there bustling and were standing around in a loose group shifting uncomfortably; it might have been the effects they were carrying most of which would never be needed for a fieldtrip it included but was not limited to the following: games, toys, markers, a flashlight, a quilt, mini piano, shorts, backpacks, a stick, money and Scruff had his pillow at the ready.
“Is everyone here?” Nurse scanned the faces, “where is Cosmo?” Nurse had an extraordinary ability to memorize names, and faces for that matter.
At that point Cosmo D. the third oldest German shepherd with the same age shape and posture as Leo and Diamond with a remarkable sausage shaped tale came bounding out of the bathroom on the other side of the room.
“Good let us go then.” and without a second glance Nurse smiling as smugly as a cat lead the children outside.
Just as Teacher let out a sigh of relief, however Cosmo who was bringing up the tale suddenly cried out, “Oops, I almost forgot!” he then ran to where Teacher was sitting with her magazine on her lap and jumped up and gave her a sloppy kiss goodbye. Teacher for a split second, just long enough for Cosmo to scamper out the door, thought it was sweet. Then she felt the dampness, of course! Cosmo had just come out of the bathroom and come to think of it he had a dripping muzzle. Mrs.Hankleburg cursed as she remembered that dogs always require to get someone wet after drinking from the toilet.
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