Young Writers Society

Edited! Hopefully this is a bit better!
　

Reread the rules stickies before you post. As of December, 5 reviews of other peoples work before you even begin posting your own.

Interesting, however, I found there were numerous points of either spelling error or areas that would plainly confuse any reader.

He didn’t honestly expect to escape

I do not think this is something you would expect, as escape does not tend to simply fall into your lap, it does generally require you do do something to get out of somewhere. From what you write afterward:

He got slammed in jail for who knows how long

He definitely should know how long, due to the fact that the committed the crime not long before I'm sure, and that he is currently the age of 16. Another strange part is how he talks about his murder victim (Aka his father). He talks without remorse, for killing his own father:

he just meant to break a few bones. The death was an accident. Coincidental

This is obviously not your typical teenager, so if it is a case of abuse that gets explained along the way then that's fine, but if the kid was willing to be immoral by causing harm, what stops him with those that cant fend for themselves:

tried to spot someone wealthy

homeless. No way would Jackson be taking food out of their mouths

Unless this is to highlight not a moral decision but a fact that they would probably be sick, then this is fine too.

Just to note here:

two packet sof prepackaged

Should be 'packets of'

let alone ht city.

Should be 'the'

Those mistakes require only spellcheck and a proof read, if your going to post something, post something professionally and with as minimal errors as you can. Some people, like me, get put off simply because the author did not seem to care about the errors, which has a negative impact on the readers experience of reading your work.

at the most. But no

and throat. But it

Starting a new sentence with 'But' is a bit off, best to simply place a comma instead of a full stop. The previous sentence was already short enough, join them up, make them flow a bit easier. Similar to the "But"s above is the "And"s:

in there. And alone.

Solidarity was golden

Wrong word here for alone. Also, if you typed:

in there. And alone.

With the "And alone", if you meant it to be separate from the description of how he disliked being cooped up, then you will have to reword the sentence, if he doesnt like being alone and cooped up, join the two sentences, and remove Solidarity is golden, as he has just contradicted himself. Depends on which way you wanted it to go, either way, that section needs editing.

pulled the man into the shadows

How is a barely 16 year old possibly going to fair against an adult, let alone a government man.

Without thinking, Jackson did stop

Why?

"It’s an honor. A real honor. Someone with fine civic virtue such as yourself-"

If you were expecting the audience to have sympathy for this 16 year old, that sympathy just packed its bags and got on the one way train to anywhereville, waving goodbye to its now lost love before the "Ill miss you"'s begin to fade away as the loud train toots and departs. To put it simply, this character is unbalanced. You try to gain sympathy for him by stating above that he would not take from those that are already poor, that he didnt mean to kill his own father. However, lines like the above make him look like a smartass, and readers start to think he deserves every punishment he gets.

The whole other section for Emma also has its own problems that I would like you to proofread. Heres a hint for one of the big problems I noticed early on, who is Nick, and why does Emma sometimes seem like she is being refered as both a male and female. Take a look, you will know when you see it.

Lastly, the spacing is unnecessary, shorten.
Still an interesting start, but much proofing and editing need be done.
Good luck.

Hi there, I'm Suzu. Here are my thoughts:

Jackson
1.)

A part of him was surprised when he had found himself outside again, out of the small white cell, away from sneering, tattooed criminals couldn't remember the feeling of sun on their face. [period] Somebody like Jackson didn’t belong in their “juvenile” detention center anyway.

[For the start of a chapter, this sentence is quite a mouthful. In fact, it would most likely turn away readers because it's a run-on. I suggest you scrap it and begin with the third sentence in your paragraph. This would really raise reader interest!]

It’s not like he actually meant to kill the guy.

2.)

He turned his face to the sky and savored his solidarity. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been alone.

[Solidarity is used incorrectly in this sentence. It means "union or fellowship arising from common responsibilities and interests, as between members of a group or between classes, peoples, etc." What you mean is solitary]

3.)

He moved silently closer to the tent, staying close to the line of office buildings, blackened from pollution.

[Next time, try replacing the adverb with a strong verb: he tiptoed or side-stepped or whatever other verb you can find. This gives the reader a better image instead of you just telling this.]

[Very exciting ending to Jackson's part. You really had me hooked from the fight with the officer and his escape and the last line about his father. KUDOS!]



Emma
1.)

Emma had found the guy unconscious, lying in an alley between two buildings.

[This is a nice beginning because it opens up a can of questions about what Emma had found so people want to keep reading.]


2.)

Though the wound had sealed before she had arrived, she had a pretty no idea where it could have come from.

[You might want to recheck this]


3.)[The conversation between Emma and Jackson is a bit stilted sometimes. Read it over out loud so you can get a better flow for it.]

4.)

What had she gotten himself into?

[You might want to take another look at this]

Hey aquila, you have an interesting character in the form of Jackson; you made the reader care about it him even though he's rough around the edges, which gives him a bit of realistic substance. And I believe Emma has promise. In terms of the story, you have questions hanging about such as why Jackson injured his father and the tracker in his blood to make the reader keep reading. Therefore, I'm interested to see where this will go. This is a good start for the first chapter. Nice job!

Thanks for the suggetions! You can probably tell I'm really bad at editing my own work... anyway thanks again!