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Sat Oct 17, 2009 11:22 pm
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HidddenDarkness says...



Birthdays and Disasters:
Chapter 1

“Blow out the candles, Yuki” my mother spoke with a calm voice. I sucked in a deep breath, aimed at the candles, and blew. I glanced up and saw a dark figure but as soon as it was there, it was gone. I looked back at the table I was sitting at “Happy 17th birthday, Yuki!” my parents said at once my father handed me a cubed-shaped present.” Here sweetie it’s from me and your mother” I quickly tore off the neatly colored wrapped present in cased was another box, the cube box held a heart necklace with a sapphire rock in the middle of the heart. I slowly took the necklace out of its case. “Do you like it?” my father asked with tension and excitement in his voice. “Well duh, this is the perfect gift!”

I jumped out of my metal chair and gave them both hug. “Will you put this on for me?” I asked as I handed my father the necklace. He smiles as he put it on. I glanced around the uncramped room. There it was again: the dark figure leaning up against the well. It started to walk towards me. My eyes widened. Unable to loosen my glance from it its golden eyes pierced through me. I took one-step back and it was gone.

Two hours past since my “party”, my necklace dangled from my flawless neck as I cleaned up the living room in which the Birthday Part took place. Someone jabbed me on my lower rib cage. I slowly turned around to see bright glue eyes. I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Jasper, I thought you had to work!” I squealed. He wrapped his arms around my wrist. We stayed in this position for about ten minutes.

Jasper broke the ice “What kind of boyfriend would I be, if I missed your birthday?”
He spoke with love in his voice. “I almost forgot” he pulled a box out of his fleece jacket and handed it to me as he pushed me away. I reluctantly took the box.

With my hands shaking, I took the top of the box off. It was a purple studded bracelet with black in it. “It is a rare gem, called ‘Mokio‘. It is found in Antarctic”, he mumbled as he stared at the ground. “Leave now!” a deep crackling voice said.

“Five minutes left”, a voice in my head said. “Jasper don’t you think your father would get mad if you are not home?” I spoke quietly knowing this might upset him. “Fine, I’ll just go!” His blond hair was swinging back and forth, as he walked toward the door.

Only seconds past, after Jasper left “Don’t you listen to anybody?” This time the anger filled the voice. “Your parents are gone and you are in danger”. I scanned the room, trying to find the source of the voice.

Just by the door of my bedroom was the same figure, its golden eyes piercing me. Its arms grabbed mine, just as the front door flew about 10 yards away. It broke into tiny pieces. It pulled me behind itself, showing its face and its body structure. It was actually a he. His short black hair was captivating. Then they walked in.

One male and two females, all with wild red hair it looked like a bird’s nest was build in their hair, with twigs and leaves. The male closed his eyes and sniffed the air. Their purple eyes targeted on me. “Oh, looks who is saving the human now!” he chuckled as he spoke. “So, Endy you’re good now”, he said with a snicker in his voice.

“No, you just can’t harm this on”. Endy spoke so calm he sounded like a stream compare to the male creature. “Why is that, Endy?” He took a step forward and then Endy took one back, pushing me along with him. “I’m positive the Elders will want to keep her, Maurice.” I tried to loosen his grip on my wrists. He just clamped his hands on more tightly.

“Endy,” I spoke softly “Could you possibly let go of my wrists?” immediately after I spoke those words one of the females stood in front of me, Endy twisted me around so he was facing her. The other one came in front of me and bared her teeth.

“Now there’s no hope for her.” Maurice laughed. This is so annoying, I thought. Endy released his grip his grip and fought the females. I felt a painful burning in my right hand; I looked down at my hand and saw Maurice clamping his jaw on my hand. “Endy, get this thing off of me!” I screamed. Then a sudden burst of power took over my body.

I took my free hand and punched him in his jaw. “Let me go! You stupid freak!” he released his grip and looked at me and his purple eyes were more intense with color. His eyes changed into a fierce red. My veins started to burn. I clasped my hands onto any part of my body I could I looked at my veins and instead of blue they were a shade of emerald. Then I got mad and so did Maurice, then a wave of calmness rushed over me.

I looked around both females vanished and Endy did too. I put my head against the wall and wiped away a tear streaming down my face. I closed my eyes hoping this would end soon. A hand brushed against my cheek, I opened my eyes to see a young man with golden eyes and black hair, just like Endys. In fact, he looked a lot like Endy. “Endy?” I asked with a frightened look. He chuckled “No, my child my name is, Shinji.”

“Shinji, what’s going on?”
“A war with angry: Humans, vampires, and other ‘mythical creatures’ ”
“Well I know that but I mean what’s happening to me?”

“Ummmm…you’re turning into a Vampire.”

I turned to run, but something stopped me, Shinji? No, not him “I want to learn.” I said as I turned to face him without fear. “Good my child now we must hurry before Maurice wakes up.” He pulled me away from my home and nothing I worked to be mattered now.

My visit to Darkness High
Chapter 2


“Uhhh where are we going, Shinji?” he was yanking on my arm. I knew was going on but my whole body was numb. There was a dark shadow following us. Shinji still did not answer. “Why are you ignoring me? Did you tune me out or something?”

He stopped abruptly and pointed at a dark building “Yes, good job you know what a building is.” I said sarcastically as I clapped my hands. Shinji hit me on the back of my head “Hey!” I said trying to humor him.

“This is where you’re going to learn.” He said as he pointed to the building again. I dragged my high-tops, with tiger print on then, through the dirt. “Stop that!” Shinji screamed and I stopped dragging them before Shinji hit me upside my head again. We approached the door and Shinji opened the doors, the first room, which the front door opened to was a (blood) food hall. Then the shower rooms, then bathrooms -used for baths-, my dorm and my dorm mate, the office and my classrooms.

I had writing first with Professor -Danny- Mino, then literacy with -Carly- Patten next was the extra classes; Magic with -Katy- Cross, then weaponry with Mr. -Justin- Prenten, Blood hour that was lunch. Next was math, my worst subject, the teachers name was Mrs. Franklon. Then History, her name was Mrs. -Ruth- Beca. At the end of the school day was study hall. It happened in your dorm room and you did your homework and studied.

Writing was easy and passed quickly. So did literacy and the extras. Lunch was long, because I did not have anybody to sit with, so I went to the bathroom and drank my goblet of blood hesitantly. The thought of it disgusted me, who knows where the blood came from.

I looked in to the reflecting plate and saw a person that was not me. I looked around the room and saw nobody else, so it must be me. My purple and black snake bites (two piercing under your lower lip about a ½ of an inch apart) and eyebrow piercing were the same. So was my long black hair, my clothes and jewelry were the same. My skin was a different color, my skin used to be like a perfect peach color now it was a light shade of grey and my eyes were half black and half red spilt vertically down the middle to separate the colors as if they weren’t wanting them to mix.

“Those eyes are rare and dangerous; they show strength and power burning inside wanting to escape. Be careful what you do with your power.” a male’s voice filled the large, empty room. Sill looking at the reflecting plate I already knew what he looked like, like me only he was a male, I was a female, and he had short hair. “You and me are going to be best friends,” said as he sat next to me. His facial expression told me he wanted to be more than best friends were. “Oh, where are my manners, my name is Liam.” he was still smiling. He held out his hand and I slipped my hand into his and shook it lightly. “My name is Yuki.” I said starting to catch his contagious smile. I dropped his hand and said, “Why do you look like me?”

Well hmm how do I say this…...OK I got it vampire’s look like each other when they are supposed to be together. “He smiled again and laughed nervously. My eyebrows knit together and I stared at him “Are you hitting on me?”

“No-oh” Liam raised his hands up to his chest and shook them and his head. A female supervisor walked inside and said “You guys need to get to class!” We bolted out the door, “What’s your next class?” he asked as we were walking.


“Math, why do you ask?” I asked trying to keep in a laugh.

“I was just wondering, jeez.” he smiled “Plus that’s my next class” We walked to math and sat next to each other then he handed me a note: Do you Have math next? - Liam. I scribbled down “Yes” and passed it back he scribbled something else down and passed it to me “So do I”

Me: You like me do not you.

Liam: Maybe

Me: Ha, I knew it!

Liam: So, We were to be.

Me: Liar, you just like me and do not want to admit it

Liam: Fine, I like you are you happy now?

Me: Yes, now will you just ask me already what you want to.

Liam: Do you want to hang out tonight?

Me: You grab what you can cannot you. Yeah, I will take you up to that offer

Liam: Yeah, what is your dorm number?

Me: 225, what is yours?

Liam: 227, right across from yours.

Me: Great see you there.


The bell rang and everyone scattered, trying to get to classes. Liam tried to hold my hand and I let him. History by the fastest, I listened and we learned about the famous vampires.



Prom and Jasper
Chapter 3

My roommate, Clarise, let me have an out fit that matched me perfectly. It was a black and purple - my favorite colors-top and a red and black checkered mini skirt. There was a knock on the door and Clarise ran to open it, there he stood he looked like he was glowing but it must have been my imagination.

His half-red, half-black iris and pupil caught my eyes first. Exactly like as mine, but more stunning because they were not mine. His hair spiked -just like earlier-. A Black and red tuxedo covered his body -except his hands, feet, and head of course-. “You look like were going to prom” I laughed. He smiled as if he did not want to tell me something.

“No! Why did not Shinji tell me that there was a prom” I stopped the ground with my high-tops “What ever it’s not your fault, even though you could have told me! Let’s go.” Then I remembered Jasper I walked slower and fiddled with my bracelet until we walked up to the Hall of Blood back doors. I stopped and Liam said something but I did not hear him. I was numb again; the edges of my vision then the darkness took over for only seconds.

I felt like I was floating, and my eyes were closed so I opened them
and looked around I saw: Jasper storming out of my house then walking to his What happened to his car? I thought. He did not make it, Maurice and his females stopped him and killed him, well they thought, they pushed him into a bush so no one could find him. Shinji walked by him, he stopped and sniffed the air and looked around then he kept on walking. The dark figure, which was walking behind him did the same thing and kept walking also. Now I was walking with Shinji not noticing the dark figure yet. He stopped and looked around and found Jasper he touched him and a bright light blurred my vision for seconds. The dark figure was gone and the sunset and the sun rose again. Jasper rose with the sun, he stared at me and I froze. I think he saw me I took a mental photo and looked him over. Vampires meant to be look like each other Liam’s words rang in my head. Jasper did not look like me. He looked like Clarise, blonde hair and the pupil, iris, and the white part of the eye was black.

When I woke up, I found out that Liam had taken me to the nurses, but they did not do anything they just set me on an orange mat. I looked around and Liam was leaning against the wall with his eyes closed. I got up to wake him up and before I even laid a hand on him his eyes shot open. “Jaspers here” he spoke calmly and closed his eyes again. “How do you know about him?” I said staring at him. He pointed to the door and Jasper stood there with the maddest look in the world on his face. He walked toward me, grabbed my arm to pull me up, and pushed me up against the wall. He put his mouth next to my ear and whispered, “What were you thinking? Huh,” He pushed me up against the wall harder “Did you think I was dead? You just wish. I won’t die, never!” Something yanked him back and I slid to the floor. I looked up and saw Liam pushing Jasper against the wall. I looked at them they looked like drunken thugs that were mad over a stolen beer from 200 years ago. I did not want this to go on any longer “Stop it! Both of you!” I cried. The room spun I clasped my hands on my head and ran. Ran away from the school and the people who were fighting over me.

Back and forth
Chapter 4

I still heard their shouting in my head. I could not stop running or I would fall and leave my head spinning. I dug though my pockets while I was running, no money. I started to shiver as my feeling came back. I needed money; I was desperate to get money. Cars past by me full of drunken males yelling out the windows. I followed their cars until I could not see them. I remembered that I was running and slowed down, my head hurt. I fell to the ground a car stopped for a second then left I figured it was time to go back instead of just running, where would I go anyway?

I took in a deep breath and sighed; I lifted my head, turned around, and took slow steps toward the school. My head spun again, I clutched my scalp. Dropping to my knees, I clawed my scalp as an imaginary drill, drilled trough my head. “Hey. Lady are you alright?” a homeless person put his hand on my shoulder; I flinched and backed up on my knees. I stood up and ran until I was a block away from the school. Nothing seemed to move around it, which scared me I would not know what to do if Liam and Jasper still stood still inside.

I walked the rest of the way to the school. My eyes closed while I opened the doors to the school. A breath escaped from my mouth as I opened my eyes. Nobody stood in the food hall; it was not time for anyone to be in there anyway.
Last edited by HidddenDarkness on Sat Nov 14, 2009 10:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Mon Oct 19, 2009 8:05 pm
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*coco says...



Hmm, this story is lacking something and I can't quite put my finger on it. Firstly the beginning at times, sounded a bit strange.
For example, "Blow out the candles.." my mother spoke with a calm voice - that line sounded a bit strange, I feel it would have sounded a lot better if you had just said, my mother said.
Secondly this dark figure wasn't introduced very well. Instead of jumping straight to him you should have used the environment or the characters around your MC to help you introduce the dark figure's appearance. You could also have broke it down within your paragraphs to add a bit of suspense to keep the reader intrigued. For example you could have added the MC hearing strange noises during her celebrations, noises that only she appeared to be hearing. Then maybe in the next paragraph the noises could turn to the MC seeing shadows and then gradually come face to face with this dark figure.
"Do you know what my heart says now? It says that I should forget about politics and be with you. No matter what. You're a true Queen, a Queen any King would kill for." - Prince Francis ♕
  





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Wed Oct 28, 2009 11:21 am
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Dubaian says...



I read the first chapter but did not continue to the second.

This needs a lot of work (Emphasising a lot). Upon reading the first chapter, there were a couple spelling mistakes, numerous grammatical errors and words were used that were obviously wrong, for example:
He wrapped his arms around my wrist. We stayed in this position for about ten minutes.

Her wrist? I do not think Ive ever seen someone wrap their arms around another persons wrist, let alone for 10 minutes. This would most definitely be waist.

You seem to have rushed this story as it lacks any cohesion or structure. This looks like most of the paragraphs were thrown together.

Also as a point to note, your conversations can be a mix of highly confusing or styled like a script. There are paragraphs where you put more than one characters voice in at one time without dividing them properly. Example:
“Five minutes left”, a voice in my head said. “Jasper don’t you think your father would get mad if you are not home?” I spoke quit by knowing this might upset him. “Fine, I’ll just go!” His blond hair was swinging back and forth, as he walked toward the door.

This one above has three people talking in a two lined paragraph.
Example of the script style you then employ halfway through:
Liam: Maybe

Me: Ha, I knew it!

Liam: So, We were to be.

Me: Liar, you just like me and do not want to admit it

Liam: Fine, I like you are you happy now?

I only just noticed this as I travelled down the page to Critique on your first chapter.
You need to work on spelling, grammar and overall structure for this story to be fixed. Plenty of errors, learn from them and get to work.

Lastly, two things: One) Read the rules, your post is too long, and Two) From what I have read, this should be moved to fantasy or equivalent, not part of the science fiction genre.
  





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Mon Nov 02, 2009 9:06 pm
Stealth_Slicer says...



I like it but I agree with Coco, I think something might be missing but I can’t place it ether. But don’t get discouraged. I really like the story so far and would like to see more of it so I am going to ask two questions. Will there be more? And if so any ideas when it will be up?

All the best.
  





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Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:23 pm
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Calmal says...



As a Junior Writer, I also agree with Coco and Stealth Slicer that there is something missing. I agree with Dubian that some of this block does not make sense. I mean wrapping your arms around some one's wrist. I have never seen anyone do that ever. It does seem to be very rushed and lacks the thought and consideration a good writer goes through. A writer puts his readers through suspense and rising tension which will finish in an often dramatic climax. Rushing only takes away the effect.
It is an adequate start but great work needs to be done as emphasised by Dubian.
Good luck.
Calmal
  








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