Young Writers Society

review the heck out of it

Sunlight streamed through the curtains like golden beams. Dirrella’s eyes fluttered open while the light slowly trickled across her face, with a sigh she swung her legs around and got out of bed. Another day, another duty she thought. Sweeping downstairs, she headed for the kitchen.

Dirrella sat at the silver table with a bowl of cereal. A holographic screen hovered in front of her quietly reporting the daily schedule.

“You have a council meeting at twelve and your schedule is free past then” It murmured. Dirella’s thoughts wondered over the council meeting, she has recently been appointed as a member of the Council of Twelve. It served as an organization that worked secretly behind the scenes, whispering in the ears of world leaders and major players in the big scheme. They were also the rulers of the magical division.

After her shower she wondered to her cosy room, and over to the dressing chambers. She tapped the digital screen on the wall and it hummed to life. She removed her towel and stepped in side the circular room.

“Good morning Miss Razeal” It stated before the sensors hummed to life, sweeping over her near perfect body. Dirrella tapped at another screen and her wardrobe options popped up on a 3D screen. She flicked through rotating outfits till she found one that looked good.

She stepped out of the dressing chamber wearing a white jacket with a black top underneath and her favourite jeans. She grabbed her bottomless backpack and filled it with all her stuff. Grabbing her E-pass, she strolled out the door.

Dirrella stood outside the elevator waiting for it to appear. Finally the doors beeped and she stepped in to the small silver box.

“Please, insert your E-pass,” said a pleasant female voice. Dirrella pulled out the silver clearance pass and slid it into the waiting slot. The lift began to shoot downwards. It pulled to a halt and her pass slid out again she took it and jumped out before the lift shot back up again.

She walked over through the wonderfully modern lobby, with its huge glass widows and sleek silver terminals.

She strutted over to the giant glass doors. They hissed open and she walked out. A hovercraft whizzed up to the steeps and Dirrella stepped inside.

The screen monitor hummed to life as it read her daily schedule from her E-pass. All of a sudden it lurched to life as whooshed away through the bright streets of Gidon.

Sunlight streamed through the curtains like golden beams. Dirrella’s eyes fluttered open while the light slowly trickled across her face, Just start a new sentence here with a sigh she swung her legs around and got out of bed. Another day, another duty Put her thoughts in italics she thought. Sweeping downstairs, she headed for the kitchen.

Dirrella sat at the silver table with a bowl of cereal. A holographic screen hovered in front of her quietly reporting the daily schedule.

“You have a council meeting at twelve and your schedule is free past then” It murmured. When I picture this in my end, I hear a clear monotonous voice, not a mumbling one. Dirella’s thoughts wondered over the council meeting, she has recently been appointed as a member of the Council of Twelve. It served as an organization that worked secretly behind the scenes, whispering in the ears of world leaders and major players in the big scheme. They were also the rulers of the magical division.

After her shower she wondered I think you mean wandered. Wonder means to think. to her cosy Cozy room, and over to the dressing chambers. She tapped the digital screen on the wall and it hummed to life. She removed her towel and stepped in side the circular room. She was in a towel this whole time?

“Good morning Miss Razeal” I believe it would be "Good morning Miss Razeal," it stated It stated before the sensors hummed to life, sweeping over her near perfect body. Dirrella tapped at another screen and her wardrobe options popped up on a 3D screen. She flicked through rotating outfits till she found one that looked good. What? No description on any of the screens? How big were they? Did they just pop out of no where, because I don't understand this Might just be my incapability to read anything correctly though LOL

She stepped out of the dressing chamber wearing a white jacket with a black top underneath and her favourite jeans. She grabbed her bottomless Please choose a different word that bottomless or explain more, you're making me think that there is a huge hole in the bottom backpack and filled it with all her stuff. Grabbing her E-pass, she strolled out the door.

Dirrella stood outside the elevator waiting for it to appear. Huh? She stood outside of it while it wasn't there? Why don't you try "Dirrella stood outside the elevator, waiting for the doors to open and let her in." Finally the doors beeped and she stepped in to the small silver box.

“Please, insert your E-pass,” said a pleasant female voice. Dirrella pulled out the silver clearance pass and slid it into the waiting slot. The lift began to shoot downwards. It pulled to a halt and her pass slid out again she took it and jumped out before the lift shot back up again. The lift? Just say the elevator. You had be confused so I had to re-read it.

She walked over through the wonderfully modern lobby, with its huge glass widows and sleek silver terminals.

She strutted over to the giant glass doors. They hissed open and she walked out. A hovercraft whizzed up to the steeps and Dirrella stepped inside.

The screen monitor hummed to life You seem to have used "hummed to life" a lot. Try something different as it read her daily schedule from her E-pass. All of a sudden it lurched to life as whooshed away through the bright streets of Gidon.

Critique- It was boring and uneventful. You need to start in some sort of action or change to keep the reader interested. You just told me of some womens typical morning... blah. You could use a little bit more description as well, I couldn't picture things in my head as well. You're writing seems to be "telling me" rather than "showing me"... something even I have trouble with. Overall, it was... okay.

Good luck and keep writing!

-Faia Merth-

Alright. I think that its... OK, good even, but I was not really sure if I liked it or not. The story idea is good (or has potential), but I had some problems with it:

Sunlight streamed through the curtains like golden beams. Dirrella’s eyes fluttered open while the light slowly trickled (trickled? streamed? I always think of light as sharp and precise, like a surgical instrument. So, maybe try letting go the aquatic stuff) across her face, (just like Faia Merth, start a new sentence) with a sigh she swung her legs around and got out of bed. Another day, another duty she thought. Sweeping downstairs, she headed for the kitchen.

“You have a council meeting at twelve and your schedule is free past then” It murmured. Dirella’s thoughts wondered over the council meeting, she has recently been appointed as a member of the Council of Twelve. It served as an organization that worked secretly behind the scenes, whispering in the ears of world leaders and major players in the big scheme. They were also the rulers of the magical division.

Here, I have a problem with the fact that you do not hint at what the Council does, leaving the reader to decide what the Council is; telling me outright what the Council does just irritates me. And why is it always Twelve, or Thirteen? Why not the Council of Nineteen? Or Eight? Or Six? Or Five Hundred and Five? Be less... blah.

Okay, like up there with the "with a sigh" thing, Faia dealt with most of the wordy errors. But one thing irked me; why is it that its so modern? Yes, I know you are trying to do "futuristic Council member in futuristic world with futuristic AIs annoying you everywhere you go", but honestly, reading it, I still find too many modern things. Cereal? Why not rice with nori, or a nutrition drink, or a soya bar? Shirt, jacket and jeans? Why not something like, say, a jumpsuit, or you could try the Brave New World thing, and make certain people wear certain colors (so maybe all gray or all white for Dirella), or even have her wear nothing at all and have a holograph give the image that she wears only the trendiest of clothing. Be creative!

So far, I would have to say... three and a half stars of five. You really have something potentially good, but just give us MORE!