Young Writers Society

This is just the beginning exert that I wrote. There is much more to this chapter then this little bit, but this is what I have written confidently so far. Thanks for reading, please comment, and hope you enjoy it!
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Crash after crash; swooping in to take its prey of sand out to sea. The ocean was darkened from years of pollution. The beach was barely ten feet long between the shore and the waves’s extending arms.

The deserted beach satisfied the needs of its lone occupant who visited in hopes of finding a glimpse of the beautiful, clean past they had once lived. Or at least had imagined.

“Jay, you can’t change it back by looking at it!” called a familiar voice.

Jay stood still not even looking towards the newcomer but rather towards the horizon. It was not its same self. No sun could be seen going to bed after a long day neither could a rising moon be seen welcoming the night. All that was left was smog.

“What do you want Carter, it’s my day off?” asked Jay.

“Your needed at the base,” replied Carter.

“You know my mom used to write about this place all the time,” Jay explained, ignoring Carter. “She wrote that even when she was young you could see the color of the water changing, but then on some days it was clear as the night sky.” Jay paused. “Well, I guess not our night sky.”

Jay turned around to face Carter, amused by her own words. “You know I would love to see what the bottom of the ocean looked like, but…”

“But what?” asked Carter.

Jay looked back towards the open waters as if looking for the right words to say. Smiling, Jay began to turn her back on the shore and walked towards Carter.

“But people don’t think about those things anymore,” she sighed. “The world has never been the same since this accursed war. Come on Carter I won’t keep those military busy buddies waiting any longer.” Jay patted Carter on the back as she walked by.

“Yes, sir,” agreed Carter with a smile.

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Side note: Jay and Carter are both female. More is explained later.

Firstly - I want to read more.

Second, below are my thoughts.

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Crash after crash; swooping in to take its prey of sand out to sea **(this sentence confused me so much. I had to reread it a few times, to get it)**. The ocean was darkened from years of pollution. The beach was barely ten feet long between the shore and the waves’s extending arms.

The deserted beach satisfied the needs of its lone occupant who visited in hopes of finding a glimpse of the beautiful, clean past they **(perhaps instead of "they", "human" would be more descriptive)** had once lived. Or at least had imagined.

“Jay, you can’t change it back by looking at it!” called a familiar voice.

Jay stood still not even looking towards the newcomer but rather towards the horizon. It was not its same self. No sun could be seen going to bed after a long day neither could a rising moon be seen welcoming the night. All that was left was smog.

“What do you want Carter, it’s my day off?” asked Jay. **("What do you want, Carter? It's my day off." Jay said.)**

“Your needed at the base,” replied Carter. **("You're")**

“You know my mom used to write about this place all the time,” Jay explained, ignoring Carter **(Ignoring Carter, but yet talking to her? I think, "Jay explained, ignoring what Carter said." Makes more sense)**. “She wrote that even when she was young you could see the color of the water changing, but then on some days it was clear as the night sky.” Jay paused. “Well, I guess not our night sky.”

Jay turned around to face Carter, amused by her own words. “You know I would love to see what the bottom of the ocean looked like, but…”

“But what?” asked Carter.

Jay looked back towards the open waters as if looking for the right words to say. Smiling, Jay began to turn her back **("turned her back on the shore" sounds a bit better)** on the shore and walked towards Carter.

“But people don’t think about those things anymore,” she sighed. “The world has never been the same since this accursed war. Come on Carter I won’t keep those military busy buddies waiting any longer.” Jay patted Carter on the back as she walked by.

“Yes, sir,” agreed Carter with a smile.

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Really liked it, would like to read more.

I couldn't find much in terms of grammar or incorrect spelling, so well done in that regard.

- Jai

Thanks for the review. I plan on using your suggestions when I get a chance to edit the exert. Thanks again and glad you liked it, i was hoping people would!

-Jules

I like this piece. I love when people write about the planets pollution. <3


Crash after crash; swooping in to take its prey of sand out to sea.**This sentence is confusing. I had to read it a couple times before understanding. Might want to change the phrasing of it** The ocean was darkened from years of pollution. The beach was barely ten feet long between the shore and the waves’s **waves's? Thats not a workd lol it just needs to be waves **extending arms.

The deserted beach satisfied the needs of its lone occupant who visited in hopes of finding a glimpse of the beautiful, clean past they had once lived. Or at least had imagined.

“Jay, you can’t change it back **might want to take "back" out. it sounds fine without it** by looking at it!” called a familiar voice.

Jay stood still not even looking towards the newcomer but rather towards the horizon. It was not its same self. No sun could be seen going to bed after a long day **add a semicolon or start a new sentence** neither could a rising moon be seen welcoming the night. All that was left was smog.

“What do you want Carter, it’s my day off?” asked Jay.

“Your **it's you're**needed at the base,” replied Carter.

“You know my mom used to write about this place all the time,” Jay explained, ignoring Carter **maybe use "ignoring Carter's last statement or something of the like because you just said that Jay was ignoring him/her**. “She wrote that even when she was young you could see the color of the water changing, but then on some days it was clear as the night sky.” Jay paused. “Well, I guess not our night sky.”

Jay turned around to face Carter, amused by her own words. “You know I would love to see what the bottom of the ocean looked like, but…”

“But what?” asked Carter.

Jay looked back towards the open waters as if looking for the right words to say. Smiling, Jay began to turn her back on the shore and walked towards Carter.

“But people don’t think about those things anymore,” she sighed. “The world has never been the same since this accursed war. Come on Carter I won’t keep those military busy buddies **busy buddies? it doesn't have the greatest flow right there. i had to read it twice** waiting any longer.” Jay patted Carter on the back as she walked by.

“Yes, sir,” agreed Carter with a smile.

Over all, good job! I actually really like this! I wanna read more! Wanna pm me when you add more? Thanks

“Your needed at the base,” replied Carter.

You're, not your.

That was the only grammatical error that I could find. The other complaints I have with this have more to do with the way the characters interact. It was especially obvious in the last part, when Carter smiled for no reason. While he and Jay didn't really clash, they didn't really mesh either. You need to work on their dialogue, get them to play off of each other. Here, they're just cardboard cutouts with no real emotion.

This doesn't feel really like an excerpt either. An excerpt would lead us on. There's just too much finality in your closing to lead us on. Consider working on that as well.

Good job, and good luck.