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Young Writers Society


S.c.r.a.t.c.h



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Thu Nov 13, 2008 6:48 pm
ratdragoon says...



“You’re breaking up with me?”

Devyn wrenched his fingers from the snagging confirms of his rough mid-length hair. Breaking contact with those piercing blue eyes, he noted two… three, happy couples, all chatting away in half-hushed tones.

One-outta-four. Great job Devyn, fantastic…

The girl across the table smiled conciliatorily.

I thought this was it… The one…

“Devyn…” she said, her voice dripping with pity, “It’s just not working.”

Devyn tried resisting the urge to say, “That’s what she said”. In that, he half failed, blurting, “What?”

She sighed, “Devyn, you’ve been in relationships before, right?”

No kidding, but we didn’t go out for long enough for me to tell about them.

“Uh, yeah.”

“So you must know this happens sometimes. We’re just not compatible.”

Oh god, not the “compatible” talk again. Don’t say something stupid this time, Devyn...

“Save it.”

Crap…
She blanched, “What?”

Might as well roll with it.
Devyn stood, “Save it. I’ve heard the compatible talk before. You’re all the same,” He spat, before suddenly becoming wary of the glances and glares coming his way. With forced ignorance to them, he glared at the girl.

Great, so I look like the dumper. Loser and jerk at the same time, brilliant.

“Rachel, goodbye,” With that, Devyn dragged out his collapsible nul-grav board from his backpack and jumped upon it, floating away a foot above the ground.

“What? I dumped you! Not the other way ‘round! Come back here!”

But Devyn was already gone.

Rachel remained seated for a while after Devyn left, steaming with anger. Once the thicket of on-lookers had cleared, she threw down money for the drinks, stood, and stalked away.



Drifting aimlessly through the town he called home, Devyn gazed to the darkening sky. He could never go out with such grace as the sky; a majestic flow of colours, like spilt ink in slow motion. Colours mingled without prejudice, pink and red and purple, all gathered around the diminishing light like family at a deathbed.

His rundown mood led him to the nearby beach, a golden sandy spot that allowed an unobstructed view of the retreating sun.

When had his life started to roll downhill? How long ago had he set himself on this one-way railroad of disappointment and depression, its train with capacity only for one?

His anguish seemed to fuel the wind, disturbed sand was whirling a hurricane pattern around him. The uncertain winds suddenly threw the cloud upon him, and he flailed a stupidly insignificant defence, almost falling off his board.

Coughing, he cursed his luck and life in general.

An unmistakable feeling crept its fingers up Devyn’s neck. He leapt from his board, fists curling around invisible necks in frustration towards his predicament in life.

A hazy figure raised a hand, the windswept sand turning the gesture into something more.

Something more... Devyn used to be content with his life, maybe even happy. Now, the stable rock had crumbled, leaving him wishing things were different, better, happier.

His family had been typically American in almost every way. Father went to work, clad in the psychological suit of armour that was his business suit. Mother stayed home in stereotypical domestic housewife fashion. Devyn went to school, just popular enough to survive the primal environs, just smart enough to pass tests, just fit enough to get chosen for sports teams.

As he got older, “his” group of friends faded away, snatched from him by “Moving away” and “New job”

By the time Devyn was out of school he was a lone wolf, a lonely soul with no one…

“Hey! Dev!”

Well, almost no one.
Last edited by ratdragoon on Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:20 am, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Thu Nov 13, 2008 8:07 pm
miyaviloves says...



hmm this was ok for a short story, but I think you could really use this a basis for a longer story, as the end was reallllllllly rushed and pulled away from it.

At the moment we don't really know Devyn, just that he was dumped and that he was unhappy - so why should we care about what is happeneing in his life? you need to make us care about him more and get more involved.

It's a short story but at the moment it is not doing itsself any justice due to that fact it is a rushed short story, please look back on it and add more detail, give it the time and care you would to a longer piece. It will be worth it in the end trust me ;)

meevs
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Thu Nov 13, 2008 8:50 pm
ratdragoon says...



Uh, this IS part of a novel...
  





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Thu Nov 13, 2008 9:00 pm
miyaviloves says...



Oooh sorry I didn't realise, do you already have some posted here?
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Thu Nov 13, 2008 11:54 pm
Deifyance says...



WOw, okay im a fan. I love these stories. The plot so far is inticing and it is pretty original in its own way.
Very well written.
Will be watching for more.
Check out my current Series: Changing Legacy

Chapter 1
Changing Legacy: Chapter 1 - Disheartening

Chapter 2
Changing Legacy: Chapter 2 - Ambushed
  





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Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:16 am
ratdragoon says...



Oooh sorry I didn't realise, do you already have some posted here?

there is part one... topic36985.html, but shoudln't a link appear near the top of the page, under "possibly related works"?

Yay I have a fan! *happy dance*
  





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Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:33 am
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Ethan- says...



Nice, I love the story; a very well written piece. I wanted to know more about Devyn. The story is intriguing :) I wanna know what happen next, Pm me if there's another piece up and running.
Do cats eat bats?
Do cats eat bats...Do bats eat cats?
  





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Thu Dec 11, 2008 9:39 pm
mnesomeye says...



First thoughts? Dang - this is good. I really enjoyed reading this, to the point that it became a challenge to try and find any sort of flaw. Well uh - I found some. But you'll be happy to know that nobody except me and the handful of others with my uhm, condition will have noticed them. It was virtually flawless. ;) Congratulations!

*applauds you* ... but there were still flaws. *grins* It's not all bad though - I've highlighted some of your best moments, too. ^_^

“You’re breaking up with me?”

As much as I hate to admit it, this line drew me in hook, line and sinker. I'm looking forward to reading some of your other works already.

One-outta-four. Great job Devyn, fantastic…

This line was great - loved it.

She blanched, “What?”

This has to be the pickiest thing I've ever written, but I'm in love with this story, and so I want it to be perfect. My definition of perfection is veeeery different to the majority's for the simple reason that I have OCD and am a perfectionist anyway. *grins* So you're gonna have to put up with me tearing this apart...

...oh. Sorry. Why I quoted it. *ah hem* You know the comma after "she blanched"? Replace it with a full stop. Will make a world of difference.

Devyn stood, “Save it.

Ah... that's how you write. Hmm... I'm not sure how to explain to you when to know the difference between using a comma, and using a full stop. When the character is doing something physical - standing, walking, eating - use a full stop before beginning any dialogue. (So: She sat up. "What was that?")
However, if you're describing the way the character is saying something, then use a comma. (So: She sat up, before turning to Monique and whispering, "What was that?")

“Rachel, goodbye,”

I think this should go on a seperate line altogether - but if you want to keep it there, then (you already know what I'm gonna say) replace the comma after 'goodbye' with a full stop to make his decision final. It also builds suspense that way, too.

He could never go out with such grace as the sky; a majestic flow of colours, like spilt ink in slow motion. Colours mingled without prejudice, pink and red and purple, all gathered around the diminishing light like family at a deathbed.

This is... immense. You're incredible with descriptive words. That comparison with 'spilt ink'... beautiful. Just beautiful.

His anguish seemed to fuel the wind, disturbed sand was whirling a hurricane pattern around him.

Hmm... take out the word 'was' and it reads a little eaiser. Try it for yourself, and see. ;)

An unmistakable feeling crept its fingers up Devyn’s neck.

Depression? Anxiety? Reproach? Ehh... ehh... oh, I'm stuck. Tell us? *smiles*

As he got older, “his” group of friends faded away, snatched from him by “Moving away” and “New job”

Niiiice. I liked how you've sort of personified them both - made them his real, hated enemy. It's really good. However, you're missing a full stop at the end, there. :D

Well, almost no one.

Well whoever this person is, they must be pretty annoying for him to convieniently forget about them like that! xD

- = - = - = - = -

That's me done! All in all, this is a stunning and well written piece, and I can't wait for more. Please PM me when the next chapter comes out! ^_^

Ja-!
Last edited by mnesomeye on Thu Dec 11, 2008 11:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Thu Dec 11, 2008 9:52 pm
vox nihili says...



I was going to try and find something very finicky to pick at, but msomeye beat me to it. I'll instead say this: It could stand alone easily, because I read it, not realizing that it had a part one. It made good sense despite not having read the first part. Plus: I am a very hooked reader. Please post more! ;)
  








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