Young Writers Society

[deleted]

Geep. You really didn't care about your story at all, did you? I mean, there's been no editing done to it whatsoever, so the grammar sucks, the spelling sucks, and it's basically unreadable. It might be a good story, if you get past the horrible formating, but still... you have to be very patient for that.

It would be worthless for me and give this a proper critique now... it's too late for that. It's published. But you're really really really going to need to edit your next book substantially. The first thing you need to do is read through the entire manuscript more than once. Then you'll catch weird errors. For example:

The Zoan sewers was a quiet smelly place.

It was filled with rats , alligators and more.

(Personally, I would attack the alligators.)

“SOLDIERS FOR THE KING, JOIN THE ARMED FORCES, FIGHT FOR YOUR PEOPLE, YOU WILL RETURN HOME OR NOT RETURN HOME AS HEROES!!!” shouted a soldier in black armour.

(In general, do not capitalize shouting. The dialogue should be powerful enough to not put everything in capital letters. Capital letters look ridiculous and make your writing look idiotic. So just don't. It's the same concept with using five million punctuation marks. Just... don't. It makes your writing look much stupider than it really is. If the writing is strong, you won't have to resort to these lame gimmicks... really. So just have confidence and don't do this anymore. It's lame.)

“HAY THIEF COME BACK!!” shouted the soldier as he turned round to chase Jaden.

(If you don't get the joke, hay is a dried grass that comes in bales. He's stealing hay!!!)

A massive pirate ship with a massive rocket connected to the bottom of it flew through the sky.

(Er... more description, please?)

“OI WE ARE WARNING YOU MOCK THE KING OR GET BEHEADED YOU TRAMP!!” shouted the soldier drawing his silver sword.

(Haha... which would you choose? Personally, I would rather mock the king than get beheaded. XD I almost DIED laughing when I read this line. I'm just glad that I went to the bathroom before I read this, because I'm sure I would have wet my pants. XD)

And these are just a few of the errors and inconsistencies I found! So once more, I beg you, before you publish your next book, please read through your story several times and try to catch as many errors as you can. Your story will be better for that. Also, let somebody else read it before you send it off to the publishers because it'll really really help. I like using my siblings to run through my ideas and make sure they make sense. My brother, who is Griffinkeeper on this site, is especially good at finding weird inconsistencies, sort of like the quiet sewer/rat screeching sort of thing you did. And my sister is excellent with grammar, so I can run to her, if I need help.

Also, I use YWS extensively. You know that "be beheaded or mock the king" thing you did? That's missed words, and I do that ALL the time. So I find it helpful to send some copies of my novel to other people and they'll catch those missed words and inform me about it so I won't be publicly humiliated when my novel is published.

Your grammar is KILLING your story, so you really really need to work on grammar first and foremost, if you want to continue being a writer. I mean, your grammar is so bad that this story is almost unreadable. So now that you know this weakness and how it affects your story, you need to fix it. After all, once you learn the grammar basics, you'll be able to hone your style more so that it sparkles and maybe that will mean you won't have to go through a vanity press... hey, you never know!

Strunk and White's Elements of Style is one of the leading grammar books of all time and, ninety years later, it's still relevant. Plus, you can get it for free! Just go here:

http://www.bartleby.com/141/

Read it several times over and whenever you think you're breaking the rules, then read it again. It really is a great book and you'll improve exponentially with a firm knowledge of grammar.

Anyway, I hope this helps with your future book.

The first thing I would like to do is welcome you YWS. We have some very promising authors on this site. Many of them have improved due in part to the sheer amount of critical reviews they receive and give on this site.

Keep in mind that the criticism we offer is not intended to be malicious, but is intended to help you improve your work and storytelling abilities. There is nothing personal about it. I do not know you, I don't have any previous bias towards you, it is just about the story.

I'm afraid the story is bad.

I really hate to be the person to tell you this, especially since you've already gone to the trouble of writing it and publishing it. I really wish you had come here and posted your work before you went through all that. It would have saved you a lot of time and money.

Here are my comments.

The Patokafus Trilogy Book1 The Goldstone Chapter 1-4

The first issue I have is with the title. "Patokafus?" You can get away with a lot in fiction, but Patokafus just sounds ghastly. I hope the rest of the trilogy hasn't been published yet.

Chapter 1.

[s]2[/s]Two (use words instead of numbers) years later.

The Zoan sewers [s]was[/s]were (were is needed when there is more than one sewer.) a quiet smelly place.

It was filled with rats , alligators, and more. (This sentence is pointless. The occupants of the sewers should be left out. That way, if you do decide to throw in an alligator later, the entrance will be a surprise.)

Rats were screeching as they were attacked by a young boy who wielded a bronze sword. (Bronze Sword? Why would this kid be allowed to possess such a deadly weapon?)

“25, 26, 27 , 28, 29, 30![s]![/s]” he counted as the rats fell dead to the ground. (Numbers again, also, you only need one exclamation mark after a sentence.)

An eight year old boy walked in to the sewers.

“Jaden![s]!![/s], Jaden!![s]![/s]” shouted the boy [s]running[/s]. (The only time you have more than one exclamation mark is when the previous sentence also had an exclamation mark. It doesn't make sense for the boy to be running either. He would be standing still, so that he could listen for Jaden's response.)

The boy [s]wielding his sword[/s]with the sword turned to the eight year old. (Before it sounded like he was threatening the boy, instead of answering. Also, sewers are very complicated networks which would run throughout the length of the city. The odds of him being found immediately are very slim, which is why people often hide in sewers.)

“Ben, what are you doing here?” asked Jaden. (the comma allows a smoother flow.)

“Lisa was looking for you[s], she[/s]. She says Ol, Jolly Dex has a job for you[s]so she sent me to find you she says, [/s]and to meet her at the shop” Ben replied. (Massive run on sentence.)

This first part tells me that you did not run your story by an editor. There are numerous 'basic' grammar mistakes here. Fortunately, YWS is full of people who are willing to go over your work with a fine tooth comb.

“Okay, I am done with training for the day” said Jaden as he stretched his arms. (I think he should clean his sword and put it away. That would be a more logical choice for someone that is about to move out. Also, the dialogue for Jaden doesn't seem very young. Somehow it seems too formal.)

[s]He and Ben[/s]They then walked out of the sewers.

Outside the sewers.

Hold it right there. Where is the transition? This is more of a video game transition than a literary one. You walk up to this one part, the computer stops suddenly, then it loads up the streets. What a waste!

Why not use the time they spend traveling to describe how their setting is changing? Add some depth to the environment these kids live in!

“Jaden, I got to go to my dad[s],[/s]. I will see you soon[s] remember though, find Lisa[/s],” Ben ran away.

"Remember though, find Lisa."

This line annoys me so much. It sounds like some sort of video game dialogue that people throw in, just in case the player (or in this case, the reader) is too stupid to remember what Jaden was told a few moments ago. When you write it like this, it becomes clear that the only reason Ben exists in the first place is to be some sort of messenger character, guiding the character along, instead of being some character unique to himself.

“Okay![s]![/s]” shouted Jaden.

Jaden then walked the streets of Zoa. (Makes you wonder what he was doing before Ben left.) The city was crowded as usual. People were at shops buying rare goods. (Rare goods are very expensive and most shops serve people that can't afford such rare things.) People were eating at restaurants. Jaden walked up to a market stall and grabbed an apple [s]and[/s]then ran [s]of[/s]off. (You should never use 'and' more than once in a sentence.)

There are many other errors, hopefully this points you in the right direction.

Just so you know, you don't need to refer to Jaden as 'the boy with the bronze sword'. Just call him Jaden, and just call the eight year old Ben. This is easier then the way you chose.

Jaden ran so fast he escaped the soldier in seconds.

This happened way too fast. You could have integrated an action scene, which would have captured my interest.

He carried on running he then bumped into a girl who did not look happy to see him.

Here's an example of where you need a period (put it after 'running'). Throughout your entire story, there are countless places that require either a comma or a period (Mostly periods, though). You really, really need to go over our work. The grammar is just terrible.

“Lisa how’s it hanging” joked Jaden.

.... How is he joking?

“Jaden how can you live like this, you are like setting a bad example for the young orphans by stealing” she said.
Suddenly an earthquake shook the ground.

This was a bad transition. There was so little description that it seemed too sudden. Maybe you should describe the pots of surrounding stores falling of shelves, people falling over, etc. (And if a ship is causing this, you shouldn't call it an earthquake in your description.)

"Here is a bow and 70 silver arrows

Just say arrows in stead of '70 arrows'. First of all, because it's too exact. Who would count each individual arrow? Also, 70 may be too many for a quiver to hold.

“ Here is a bow and 70 silver arrows, please don’t die you and Lisa are all I got left too look after the orphans, it was like yesterday your brother left for war but he never came back. Please don’t die” cried Dex.

Why would Dex have him go so easily at first, then all of a sudden break down crying, telling him not to die. If the danger was that high, he wouldn't even let him go.

On the balcony of a castle stood the king and two heavily armed guards carrying assault rifles stood next to him on both sides.

Your saying they are wielding these?

“ People of Zoa, you are all under a new ruler, this ruler shall make a difference, he shall close taxes ,cancel bills, make the poor wealthy and give you all back your houses.”

I'm sorry, but no one would make this promise, and even if they did, no one would believe it. It doesn't even make sense. Taxes are used for the town, canceling bills, will anger people who are supposed to be paid, and you just can't give away money and houses without some monetary source.

“Aaaaagh, the legendary golden stone, it was created by the prophet Macreahazack passed from generation to generation but was destroyed fifty years ago, now it has reincarnated and has chosen you to wield it, this stone will lead you through many events it will change your life keep it don’t sell it” explained the man.
“Right I got to go” said Jaden picking up the gold stone.

He bought that story way to fast. There wasn't any emotion expressed other than him saying okay.

“They are sky pirates if you look closer at the man you will see that he has a mark on his hand in the shape of a dragon and a skull, that’s the sky pirate mark (Rita masa)” he said.

The room then burned up in black flames.
People fled.
The sky pirates grabbed Lisa and ran.
“Lisa!!” screamed Dex.

Man, you have no tact when it comes to transitions. You have no setup for what happens. It just happens. No warning, no hints, and the source isn't even explained. You do this with every change like this. You need to practice this a lot.

Okay, I think we've got a big problem here. I did this same thing when I first started writing (I was about your age too). You took an already existent story you loved, and altered it to try and make it your own. What story do I say you copied? The game Final Fantasy 12. This story and even its small events are so similar it's almost sad. Here are the similarities I found.

1) At the beginning Jaden is fighting rats in the sewers (As Vaan does in FF12).
2) Ben, who's about 8, comes to tell him to find someone (Kytes, who's about 8, does so to Vaan in the sewers).
3) Lisa and Jaden are orphans taken in by Dex (Penelo and Vaan are orphans taken in by Migelo)
4) Dex owns a shop and is fat (Migelo owns a shop and is fat).
5) Jaden steals from a soldier who is badgering a peasant (Vaan steals from a soldier who's badgering a peasant).
6) Lisa criticizes Jaden for stealing again (Penelo criticizes Vaan for stealing again).
7) Jaden's world used to be at peace until one country got greedy and started taking over the other countries (same thing happens in ff12).
8: The city of Dusk is newly ruled by an unwanted king (Same thing with Dalmasca in ff12).
9) Jaden gets info from a poster to kill a monster that is stopping Dex's shipments and goes to the desert to do so (Vaan has the exact same thing happen).
10) The "Golden Stone" sounds a lot like the Nethicite in ff12.
11) The Golden Stone is stolen from the castle (So is the Nethicite).
12) Dex has Jaden do multiple odd jobs for him such as watching the shop (Same thing happens to Vaan, but with Migelo).
13) Both Jaden and Vaan want to be sky pirates.
14) Also, Old man Sadini is very, very similar to Old Dalan from ff12.
15) Lisa gets kidnapped (So does Penelo in a similar time frame in your story).
16) Airships are used in both this story and ff12.

I also thought that the way the stone escaped from capture was very similar to how the dragon egg in the book Eragon gets saved from the Shade. Some chick makes it disappear in a flash of light (This one may just be coincidence, though).

You have a lot of work ahead of you. You really need to start paying attention to grammar, you need to reread a few times, and pay attention to the stories you read. I'm beginning to wonder if you read too few advanced books, because as a young writer you should study from the books you read, and if your style is like this than you probably aren't reading hard enough books.

2 years later.

You never, ever, ever want to just say this. Man, how boring is that? There are a zillion creative ways to let the reader know that time has passed. This is the least creative and is a small sample of what's called an information dump (actually, this is kind of like an info bin liner). It's obnoxiously boring. You don't just want to tell your readers that two years have passed. Show them. Your characters could act differently, be a little taller or wiser, etc. etc. A lot of things change in two years. You can show those things instead of just saying two years have gone by.

The Zoan sewers was a quiet smelly place.

Okay, you've got one spelling error and one grammar error here. Spelling error -- "Quiet" should be "quite." Grammar error -- subject-verb agreement. Instead of "was," you need "were." Also, this could be combined with the next sentence and made *so* much jucier. Right now, you've got kind of bland, one-dimensional description. You need to take advantage of *all* your readers' senses. Describe the smells so that they actually smell it -- does it smell like decaying corpses? Rotten eggs? Also describe the visual aspect -- is there grime on the walls? Icky water laying around? Cobwebs? How's the lighting? Et cetera et cetera. Make your reader feel like they're stepping into these sewers.

Rats were screeching as they were attacked by a young boy who wielded a bronze sword.

Again, you need more sensory description. Is it a deafening noise? Are they long screams, or short spurts? Make your reader hear the rats. Make your reader feel their pain. Description is tasty! Pick up any book and study how the author puts you in the story, really makes you feel like you're there. The best way to learn is by example.

“25, 26, 27 , 28, 29, 30!!” he counted as the rats fell dead to the ground.

Okay, first of all, the thing with the multiple punctuation marks? Such an amateur move. Plus, exclamation points are even more amateur -- they're just a cheap way to make something that's not exciting... exciting. Lame. Also, you don't need all those numbers -- just two or three can do.

An eight year old boy walked in to the sewers.

Wow, how... not exciting. =| Seriously. He just waltzed into the sewers? Lame. Find some other way to introduce this second character. Maybe he spoke, and his voice reverbrated off the walls, surprising the other character. Just a suggestion, but you get the point. Make this more exciting. And you don't need to mention any character's age right off the bat like this.

“Jaden!!!, Jaden!!!” shouted the boy running.

Okay, first of all, end punctuation in the middle of a sentence. No no no no no. I've already talked about multiple punctuation and exclamation points, but that comma is just pure evil.

The boy wielding his sword turned to the eight year old.

Goodness. When the second character said something, we know that Jaden is his name. Don't say "the boy wielding his sword" if his name is Jaden. That's just clunky and annoying. Also, you can refer to the eight-year-old differently. Newcomer, small boy, etc. etc.

“Ben what are you doing here?” asked Jaden.

This is a fantasy story, right? They seem to have strangely normal names for a fantasy story. A bit out of place, if you ask me. Also, you don't need to put speech tags at the end of *every* phrase. You have just two characters here, and the natural flow is A talks, B replies, A replies again. You don't need to indicate it every single time.

“Lisa was looking for you, she says Ol, Jolly Dex has a job for you, so she sent me to find you she says to meet her at the shop” Ben replied.

Okay, again with the out-of-place names. It just makes your reader stop and say, "Haha. As if." Not healthy. Also, at the end of dialogue when you have speech tags, if it's not a question/exclamation, there should always be a comma. As in, "yadda yadda at the shop," Ben said.

“Okay I am done with training for the day” said Jaden as he stretched his arms.

No duh. Your dialogue is highly unnatural here. You can just get rid of this entire sentence altogether. No one would announce something like that. It's just kind of assumed. Unless they're weird and they like to narrate their every action vocally.

He and Ben then walked out of the sewers.

Outside the sewers.

I can has description plz? What does "outside the sewers" look like? Is there a sudden change in lighting, and these two are squinting against it? Is it a beautiful meadow, or the streets of a city? Where are they? Describe it, and again, appeal to the senses of your reader. Sight, sound, and feel are the strongest three. Smell is a little weaker, and taste should be reserved for either when your characters are tasting something or you're using taste metaphorically. But always use description that appeals to sight, sound, and feel. Not necessarily all three at once, but at least one.

“Jaden I got to go to my dad, I will see you soon, remember though, find Lisa” Ben ran away.

First of all, "I got to go to my dad?" I thought he was eight, not three. For the sake of my remaining sanity, please make your characters use grammar consistent with their ages. "I have to go to my dad" would be less obnoxious. Also, after "Lisa," you need a period.

“Okay!!” shouted Jaden.

Unnecessary dialogue. Cut the fat plz and thank you.

Jaden then walked the streets of Zoa. The city was crowded as usual. People were at shops buying rare goods. People were eating at restaurants. Jaden walked up to a market stall and grabbed an apple and ran of.

A decent stab in the direction of description, but could improve. Again, sensory description. Can Jaden smell the restaurants? Are people bumping into them? Is there a lot of conversation going on? Et cetera et cetera. These types of questions are ones you always want to ask yourself when writing.

While he was running he heard some shouting coming from a market stall.

He was walking a paragraph ago.

“SOLDIERS FOR THE KING, JOIN THE ARMED FORCES, FIGHT FOR YOUR PEOPLE, YOU WILL RETURN HOME OR NOT RETURN HOME AS HEROES!!!” shouted a soldier in black armour.

Oh dear, my eyes. Never, ever, ever use all-caps. It looks *so* amateurish. Regular casing is fine, and again with those dratted exclamation points. The sentence itself should be exciting -- don't resort to lame tricks like capitalization and exclamation points to get that across.

Jaden stood in the background watching.

Thank you, Captain Obvious. This is another unnecessary sentence and interrupts the action of the moment. You can do without it entirely.

There was an old man grabbing hold of a boy who looked like his son.

Again, more description. Does the boy look like a young child or a teenager? Is he thrashing wildly? Is he skinny, or muscular? You get the idea.

“YOU CAN’T TAKE HIM AWAY HE HAS NOT EVEN GOT MARRIED YET PLEASE!!” shouted the old man.

Again with the caps and exclamation points. Also, grammatically speaking, this sentence fails. It's a run-on, technically. Something like "You can't take him away -- he has not even been married yet" would be more gramamtically correct. And "got married" is just... ick. No. Seriously, you're making all your characters sound like three-year-olds with this "got" obsession. "Got" is a very poor word, grammar-wise.

“Hmmm” Jaden thought to himself.

Again, unnecessary. "Hmmm" does not let us know anything, and it only interrupts the action *again.* Another paragraph you can do without altogether.

Jaden then sprinted past the soldier and put his hand in the soldiers pocket and sprinted of.

“Sorry” said Jaden.

First of all, description. I cannot stress it enough -- you have next to none in the way of description. He put his hand in a soldiers' pocket and sprinted off. Woo. Come on. Describe it more in-depth. It makes it more exciting. Also, you didn't even mention he grabbed anything -- I had to read a few lines ahead to figure out what he was doing. And really, would he apologise for stealing? Seems kind of hollow to me. Get rid of the apology, it's just dragging your story down and making it unrealistic. Thieves don't usually apologise for their actions.

“HAY THIEF COME BACK!!” shouted the soldier as he turned round to chase Jaden.

Why is he a hay thief? Hay is for horses. What kind of soldier would be carrying hay in his pocket? I'm sure you mean "Hey." And again with the caps and exclamation points. And you're being a bit obvious here -- of course he's going to turn around and chase Jaden. Duh. No one's going to take theft lying down, especially when they're a soldier.

Jaden ran so fast he escaped the soldier in seconds.

Moar description please. Your scene transitions are way too fast. Slow them down and give us some detail so that we can fully comprehend that the soldier is no longer present.

He carried on running he then bumped into a girl who did not look happy to see him.

What is your obsession with one-line paragraphs? These do not work as individual paragraphs. Combine them. And "bumped into a girl who did not look happy to see him" is way too abrupt. Did he fall over? Did he knock her over? Stuff like that.

She was blonde had green eyes and did not look to happy to see Jaden.

Physical description that is just sort of stuck in there like this? It's called an information dump. Icky and boring and interrupts the flow of your story. You can incorporate physical description elsewhere, like "She brushed her blonde hair from her face." For example.

Also, this sentence is repetitive. Further proving why the sentence prior to it needs revision.

“Lisa how’s it hanging” joked Jaden.

Strangely modern slang for a medieval-esque world. I don't think they would've spoken like that, and your character loses some credibility.

“Humph” mumbled Lisa as she slapped him in the face.

"Humph" is not of enough importance to actually put in the story. If you just say "She slapped him in the face," you'll get your readers' attention back. It's kind of like, "Hello, random violence! Why?" and that keeps them hanging on. If you make your reader ask questions, and keep them in the dark for certain things, they'll keep reading to find the answers. That's how you get and keep readers.

“OW!!” shouted Jaden.

Unnecessary. You can just leave it at the sentence that follows it.

“What was that for?” he asked.

Presumably he rubs where she hit her, or says it indignantly, etc. Description!

“ Number one your late, Number two you been stealing again and three you have cleaning duty tonight” she said.

Grammar errors galore! Comma after "number one," "number two," "again," and "three." "Your late" should be "You're late." It should be "you have been stealing" not "you been stealing." Change the comma after "late" to a period. Add a comma after "tonight," inside the quotations. Bada boom, bada bing. Grammatically correct sentence looks like:

"Number one, you're late. Number two, you have been stealing again, and three, you have cleaning duty tonight," she said.

“Jaden how can you live like this, you are like setting a bad example for the young orphans by stealing” she said.

Not every sentence has to be its own paragraph. This can go with the dialogue preceding it. Also the "like" in "you are like setting" is waaaaaaay too obnoxious. And another comma after "stealing."

Suddenly an earthquake shook the ground.

Are you kidding me?

Your story has officially lost all credibility. It's so random -- one minute, he's killing rats in the sewer. The next, he's stealing hay from a soldier. Next, he's getting slapped by this girl. Now an earthquake? Please. Way too unbelievable. All these events are happening in such rapid succession, it's just... pointless. What is the point of all these? You can save some of these devices for use later in the story, especially this thing. It's a poor way to get your reader interested -- right now they're kind of thinking, "What is this writer on?"

Oh, adn the description could be better too.

A massive pirate ship with a massive rocket connected to the bottom of it flew through the sky.

That's just poor description. And again, totally random. There are better ways to describe a giant flying pirate ship that apparently just came out of the ground.

Jaden looked up to it.

“Lisa you see that ship?” asked Jaden.

I hope she sees it. It's a giant flying pirate ship. She'd be rather thick to not see it. So again, thank you, Captain Obvious.

“That’s the ship of an air pirate, I always wanted to be one, I’m going to be just like them” said Jaden looking up at the ship fly past.

Honestly, if the same character is talking, you don't have to make it a new paragraph. Keep all a character's dialogue together unless the paragraph break has a reason, which this doesn't. New paragraphs should only be used for a change of idea or subject. Also, comma after "them" and you totally need to break the dialogue up into multiple sentences. Comma after "Jaden," and you could get rid of "fly past" because it contributes nothing.

“Hmm” sighed Lisa who was looking at him smiling.

If you haven't picked up on the fact that "Hmm" is not relevant dialogue yet, now's the time. You can do away with this whole sentence and your story will be better for it.

They then walked to Ol, Jolly Dex’s diner.

Moar description please.

As Jaden walked in Dex ran up to him.

You know, reading ahead, I don't think an 87-year-old is going to be doing much running.

Dex was 87 years old he had a long grey beard and was kind of fat.

Again with the needless info dumping. You can work this information in later, in a way that keeps it from interrupting the action of your story.

“Jaden my boy I been waiting for you. I need you to listen for phone calls for customers and when you get calls write what they want in the book of orders after you have clean up duty” said Dex.

Again, poor grammar strikes! Also, how many fantasy universes have telephones? For a world that gave off some pretty medieval vibes at first, it's strangely modern and inconsistent with its era. You might want to check into that if you want to gain back some of your credibility.

Also! Grammatically correct sentence looks better!

"Jaden, my boy. I have been waiting for you. I need you to listen for phone calls [this had better be irrelevant soon] for customers, and when you get calls, write what they want in the book of orders. After, you have clean-up duty," said Dex.

The night sky took the daylight quick.

Slow. Down. More. Description. Also, "quick" is just... ew. I mean, it'd be a nice image, and it's a step in a positive direction, but "quick" kills it. Just leave it at "daylight," and maybe throw in some description after it. How much work did he do? Was he getting frustrated with customers? Et cetera et cetera.

Jaden was then doing clean up duty scrubbing the plates and washing the dishes.

Again. More description. Are you picking up on a pattern yet? Also, comma after "duty," and "clean-up" should be hyphenated.

He then heard men at the diner talking.

Should not be its own paragraph. Also, "then" is unnecessary -- you don't need transitions here.

There was a man telling a story to his listeners.

As opposed to him telling it to his shoes? Also, this is inconsistend with the previous line -- you say there are men talking, implying there's a dull roar of conversation. Being able to pick out one thread would be pretty tough.

The man had brown hair and a scruffy beard his clothes were dirty and scruffy.

Again, unnecessary description that you can work in later and not interrupt the action.

He began his story.

Well, thankfully he began it rather than ended it. That wouldn't be exciting.

“There was a time where Zoa, Avanar, Dask and Maia lived in harmony, but the harmony did last until the King of Dask Darcinder grew greedy and went and conquered every country that stood in his way,

But there is something that could stop him the Patokafus and the gold stone”.

Okay. Really? That's his whole story. How lame. Also, run-on sentence much. "But the harmony did last?" Wow, that's just... weird. Say something more like, "There was a time yada yada yada lived in harmony, but the harmony ended when the King yada yada yada." Also, comma after "Dask" because I thought his name was Dask Darcinder until I saw the "of" and was like, "Okay, that's weird." Also, just saying "went and conquered every country that stood in his way" is so incredibly boring. Let's get detailed! There was war, presumably -- for how many years? Was there famine, large casualties? How did he win in the end? Etc.

Also, period after "could stop him."

Soldiers then walked in.

Again, way too abrupt. How many soldiers? Are they armed, armoured?

“You better not mock the King” warned the soldiers.

All of them are speaking? Also, more detail in the man's story would make this less abrupt. And, comma after "King."

“Darcinder pathetic Darcinder can’t even control his greed” said the man.

More of this. Also, comma after the first "Darcinder" and after "greed." Also, was the man sneering, had a tone of sarcasm? Things like that.

“OI WE ARE WARNING YOU MOCK THE KING OR GET BEHEADED YOU TRAMP!!” shouted the soldier drawing his silver sword.

Again with the caps and exclamation points. Comma after soldier, and really? Check your word choice.
Right now, I'd rather mock the king. And what the heck is "OI?" Do you mean "Oy?"

The Soldier then charged towards him.

Soldier doesn't need to be capitalised. And are the other soldiers just standing there? Why are there multiple soldiers if only one is going to do anything? If there's something pointless, you need to get rid of it.

Lisa who was taking orders was about to scream.

Was about to scream? Either she screams or she doesn't, otherwise it's not important.

Suddenly Jaden ran up to the soldiers.

Geez, "suddenly" is such a pathetic word. Another cheap ploy to try and milk excitement out of something boring.Get rid of it, and also. Plausibility. If he runs up to soldiers who are about to kill a dude, would the soldier really stop? Also, I think I forgot to mention it, but wow. How did the soldiers know that the man was telling this story? Seems like a pretty convenient deus ex machina to me.

“Stop let him continue” said Jaden.

Again, would they really listen to him?

“Until the Patokafus’s will return” said the man walking of.

The grammar in this is bad to the point of I have no idea what you just said.

After this chapter, I lost patience. Honestly. I'm sick of saying the same things over and over again, and this took me over four hours to do.

You have a lot of work to do, and I recommend at least putting some effort in before you blow all that money on a vanity publisher.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

mikedb1492 wrote:Just so you know, you don't need to refer to Jaden as 'the boy with the bronze sword'. Just call him Jaden, and just call the eight year old Ben. This is easier then the way you chose.

Jaden ran so fast he escaped the soldier in seconds.

This happened way too fast. You could have integrated an action scene, which would have captured my interest.

He carried on running he then bumped into a girl who did not look happy to see him.

Here's an example of where you need a period (put it after 'running'). Throughout your entire story, there are countless places that require either a comma or a period (Mostly periods, though). You really, really need to go over our work. The grammar is just terrible.

“Lisa how’s it hanging” joked Jaden.

.... How is he joking?

“Jaden how can you live like this, you are like setting a bad example for the young orphans by stealing” she said.
Suddenly an earthquake shook the ground.

This was a bad transition. There was so little description that it seemed too sudden. Maybe you should describe the pots of surrounding stores falling of shelves, people falling over, etc. (And if a ship is causing this, you shouldn't call it an earthquake in your description.)

"Here is a bow and 70 silver arrows

Just say arrows in stead of '70 arrows'. First of all, because it's too exact. Who would count each individual arrow? Also, 70 may be too many for a quiver to hold.

“ Here is a bow and 70 silver arrows, please don’t die you and Lisa are all I got left too look after the orphans, it was like yesterday your brother left for war but he never came back. Please don’t die” cried Dex.

Why would Dex have him go so easily at first, then all of a sudden break down crying, telling him not to die. If the danger was that high, he wouldn't even let him go.

On the balcony of a castle stood the king and two heavily armed guards carrying assault rifles stood next to him on both sides.

Your saying they are wielding these?

“ People of Zoa, you are all under a new ruler, this ruler shall make a difference, he shall close taxes ,cancel bills, make the poor wealthy and give you all back your houses.”

I'm sorry, but no one would make this promise, and even if they did, no one would believe it. It doesn't even make sense. Taxes are used for the town, canceling bills, will anger people who are supposed to be paid, and you just can't give away money and houses without some monetary source.

“Aaaaagh, the legendary golden stone, it was created by the prophet Macreahazack passed from generation to generation but was destroyed fifty years ago, now it has reincarnated and has chosen you to wield it, this stone will lead you through many events it will change your life keep it don’t sell it” explained the man.
“Right I got to go” said Jaden picking up the gold stone.

He bought that story way to fast. There wasn't any emotion expressed other than him saying okay.

“They are sky pirates if you look closer at the man you will see that he has a mark on his hand in the shape of a dragon and a skull, that’s the sky pirate mark (Rita masa)” he said.

The room then burned up in black flames.
People fled.
The sky pirates grabbed Lisa and ran.
“Lisa!!” screamed Dex.

Man, you have no tact when it comes to transitions. You have no setup for what happens. It just happens. No warning, no hints, and the source isn't even explained. You do this with every change like this. You need to practice this a lot.

Okay, I think we've got a big problem here. I did this same thing when I first started writing (I was about your age too). You took an already existent story you loved, and altered it to try and make it your own. What story do I say you copied? The game Final Fantasy 12. This story and even its small events are so similar it's almost sad. Here are the similarities I found.

1) At the beginning Jaden is fighting rats in the sewers (As Vaan does in FF12).
2) Ben, who's about 8, comes to tell him to find someone (Kytes, who's about 8, does so to Vaan in the sewers).
3) Lisa and Jaden are orphans taken in by Dex (Penelo and Vaan are orphans taken in by Migelo)
4) Dex owns a shop and is fat (Migelo owns a shop and is fat).
5) Jaden steals from a soldier who is badgering a peasant (Vaan steals from a soldier who's badgering a peasant).
6) Lisa criticizes Jaden for stealing again (Penelo criticizes Vaan for stealing again).
7) Jaden's world used to be at peace until one country got greedy and started taking over the other countries (same thing happens in ff12).
8: The city of Dusk is newly ruled by an unwanted king (Same thing with Dalmasca in ff12).
9) Jaden gets info from a poster to kill a monster that is stopping Dex's shipments and goes to the desert to do so (Vaan has the exact same thing happen).
10) The "Golden Stone" sounds a lot like the Nethicite in ff12.
11) The Golden Stone is stolen from the castle (So is the Nethicite).
12) Dex has Jaden do multiple odd jobs for him such as watching the shop (Same thing happens to Vaan, but with Migelo).
13) Both Jaden and Vaan want to be sky pirates.
14) Also, Old man Sadini is very, very similar to Old Dalan from ff12.
15) Lisa gets kidnapped (So does Penelo in a similar time frame in your story).
16) Airships are used in both this story and ff12.

I also thought that the way the stone escaped from capture was very similar to how the dragon egg in the book Eragon gets saved from the Shade. Some chick makes it disappear in a flash of light (This one may just be coincidence, though).

You have a lot of work ahead of you. You really need to start paying attention to grammar, you need to reread a few times, and pay attention to the stories you read. I'm beginning to wonder if you read too few advanced books, because as a young writer you should study from the books you read, and if your style is like this than you probably aren't reading hard enough books.

Hey I think you just crossed the line.

1. I started this book at the age of 8 five years before that video game even came out. So I didn't know a thing about It then. I never had no proof readers or editors BUT LOOK what would J.K ROWLINGS BOOK BE WITHOUT PROOFREADING OR EDITING. YOUR ANSWER IS = A LOAD OF S**T. LIKE HOW YOU ARE TELLING ME MY BOOK IS A LOAD OF S**T. GUESS WHAT I AM! ORIGIONAL. YOU CAN TELL MY BOOK WAS WRITTEN BY ME. NOT SOME EDITOR WHO WOULD MAKE IT A BOOK OF AN ADULT. ALSO IT IS BY BRAND, MY COPYRIGHT= PATOKAFUS. PATOKAFUS IS MY WORD. HAS NOTHIN TO DO WITH A LAME PS2 GAME OR A LAME MOVIE.

2. I never read Eragon at the age I started writing.

3. I think you need a lot of help!

4. You are just jealous of my achievement because I am a success full young author and you are basically nothing.

5. Your work is a load of junk packed with toooo much of copied work of other movies.

6. You have no idea what the story is about because you have not read or bought the book.

7. If I did copyright my book wouldn't even be in existence.

8. Last thing. Did you know you can get sued for acussing me of copying other work which is not true.

9. I have reported you for saying this about me and I will be taking it futher! (I dont talk rubbish)
My manager will be dealing with this situation. So you better delete your thread because I will also involve YWS.

10. This site is for writters to get together and criticise eachothers work in a GOODWAY.
NOT used to abuse and accuse other writters espeacially guest authors who should be respected on here Not rejected on here.

All I wanted to do was go on here and talk to other young people about my self and share my thoughts and works with them BUT instead all I got in return was HATE, JEALOUSY, ABUSE, CYBERBULLYING and racism.
NOW I KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT HERE. LET ME TELL YOU A STORY.
I AM LIKE JESUS.
I made it to EARTH which is YWS.
i CAME ACROSS A LOT OF DEMONS E.G SIR MANTIS WHO WENT ON TO MY WEBSITE AND RACIALLY ABUSED ME CALLING ME A BLACK S**T AND ALSO SAID MY WORK IS RUBBISH AND HE HAD NEVER READ THE WHOLE BOOK.
i also came ACROSS MORE DEMONS ELSEWHERE.
NOW IT LOOKS I am TARGETED AS ANOTHER VICTIM By YOU.
YOU APPEAR AS THE CHIEF PRIESTS WHO GOT JESUS CRUSIFIED.
BUT I AM NOT GOING TO DIE. I HAVE MADE IT TO HEAVEN. GOD IS WITH ME.
MY HEAVEN IS MY DREAM. MY YOUNG DREAM WHICH FOR A LONG TIME I WAS ONE DAY GOING TO FULFIL.
JUST LIKE HOW JESUS WAS GOING TO FULFIL HIS DREAM OF WASHING THE WORLD AWAY FROM SIN AND DEMONS LIKE YOU.

I AM NOT HERE TO SELL MY STORY ONLINE.
I AM TESTING YOU ALL. TO SEE HOW YOU ALL BEHAVE TOWARDS AN SUCCESSFUL AUTHOR WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN RESPECTED AND CRITIQUED IN THE CORRECT WAY.
I now know the truth. I realised it was a waste of time sharing with wannabes.
HA!! J.K ROWLING WOULDNT BE ON HERE BECAUSE SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH ABUSE SHE WILL GET FROM YOU PUNKS.

NOW FOR THE FINAL JUDGEMENT.
I HOPE EVERYSINGLE WANNABE AUTHOR ON THIS SITE TAKES MY LESSON WITH CAUTION BECAUSE I GOT 2 LAST WORDS TO SAY.

GOD SPEAKS!!!
(READ THE BIBLE AND LOOK AT THE MIRROR)
(IN OTHER WORDS TO YOU ALL) (CHANGE IS NEEDED)
GO TO CHURCH AND TALK TO YOUR PRIEST ABOUT BEING KIND.
FAREWELL I AM LEAVING.
NOTE. THAT I WILL RETURN AND WHEN I DO. I WILL HAVE MY MANAGER BY MY SIDE.

Thank you for the entertainment, A.D.A., but your behaviour is uncalled for and against site rules. I am referring this thread to the Moderators & Admins.

Best of luck with the writing, dude. Hope you improve with age

Cheers.

Technically, Jesus didn't have a dream of washing the world away. Perhaps you could liken yourself to Brian next time?