Young Writers Society

Hello, everyone! This is the first chapter of my story, Stinger Resistance. I will proceed to post the next ones in this thread. I hope you enjoy it! Please read, review, ask questions, ect.

Chapter 1:
The black void of space was anything but. Dozens of small, metallic spacecraft swarmed around each other, with bright beams of gold and blue light shooting off at incredible speeds into the unending dark, and occasionally, a bright burst of orange shone in the midst of the spectacle. To those far enough away, it would seem to be a simple light show. To the pilots inside the spacecraft, however, it was a deadly struggle for survival.
Jesse Littlelight was one such pilot. In his Wyvern interceptor, he was tasked to destroy all enemy craft in the area. That was something easier said than done. He looked ahead at the Rapier fighter he was tailing, trying to both stay behind it through its wild twists and turns, and shoot it down. As the thin, sleek craft pulled into a sharp turn to the right to try and avoid Jesse’s fighter, Jesse slammed down on the right pedal on the floor of his cockpit and pulled the flight-stick back, causing his own fighter to do the same. He clicked in the trigger on the flight-stick, and bright blue lasers shot ahead from the cannons placed on the Wyvern’s wings. They soared towards the enemy interceptor, but dissipated when they hit the invisible shields. This did nothing to deter Jesse, however, and he kept behind the Rapier, watching its twin engines for signs of evasive maneuvers. Suddenly, the Rapier’s speed dropped quickly, and Jesse barely slammed the throttle back in time to avoid overshooting the craft. The Rapier’s rapid deceleration was too risky of a maneuver, however. Two lines on Jesse’s Heads-Up Display, or HUD, as most pilots called it, slowly converged on the fighter, and when they met, a diamond formed around the ship.
“Gotcha,” Jesse muttered, and clicked a button on the side of his flight-stick twice. From two large cylinders next to his cockpit shot two arrow-shaped missiles. The first slammed into the middle of the Rapier’s small, triangular fuselage, sending the back of it flying forward, thus causing the ship to spin vertically. The second slammed into the underside, and the entire fighter went up in a large explosion, momentarily blinding Jesse. He smiled at the small debris field that remained, and then turned his attention to the rest of the battle.
It seemed to be going well enough. Jesse’s wing of six fighters was putting up quite a fight against the vastly outnumbering Stinger ships. Thankfully, they hadn’t committed a capital ship to the fray, so the fight was proceeding as planned. He checked the Wing Display on the right of his HUD. Only one ship was unaccounted for. He began to scan the field to decide which fighter to attack next.
“Purple Leader,” Purple 2, Jesse’s wingman, said through the communications system, “Blue Wing should be arriving any second now, so be ready.”
“Roger that, Purple 2.” Jesse replied. Blue Wing, consisting of twelve fighters, would come and finish off the remaining Stinger fighters, securing the area. His own friend, Jason Kelan, would be leading the group.
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A small, blue vortex appeared out in the middle of empty space, and from it emerged a small spacecraft, roughly the same size of the Rapier interceptors. It had a gray, pointed fuselage, blue arrowhead cannons, and razor-like wings. From behind it, several more small vortexes opened, and eleven Wyvern class interceptors came from them.
From the cockpit of the Arrow, Jason scanned the battleground. Even though they were outnumbered at least three-to-one, Purple Wing was holding their own. “Alright, guys, the plan is simple,” Jason said confidently, as adrenaline began to enter his bloodstream. “Take out all Stinger forces. You all ready?” He asked his group.
“Ready and waiting, Blue Leader,” Dakota LaRavia, Blue 2, replied from the Wyvern to Jason’s left.
“Alright, all ships, break formation and engage!” Jason ordered, slamming his throttle to full and engaging his afterburner. His ship sped along towards the battle ahead from his wing, which followed at a slower pace.
Jason quickly found the nearest enemy and pulled his fighter into a sharp left turn, falling in behind a Stinger Zanbato. The Zanbato was a heavy assault craft, more suited for taking out enemies larger than itself than other fighters. It could defend itself, but it was no match for a good interceptor pilot. Jason glared through his green tinted goggles at the enemy ship, and began to let loose with lasers. Rows of blue light shot forward towards the bulky craft. The shields could not stop the onslaught, and lasers shot into the large engines of the craft and blew the ship apart. He smirked then scanned the area for his next target…
Jason was surprised to note that the enemies were retreating. The Stinger pilots broke off their attack and began to warp out of the area, fleeing through small, blue vortexes the same way Blue Wing had arrived. As the pilots cheered over the comm., he wondered why they had left so quickly. “Oh well,” he thought with a shrug, “Probably just didn’t want to be destroyed.”
Jason took a deep breath, and let his eyes flutter closed for a few seconds. He reopened them and nearly jumped from his seat. In front of him, a gigantic vortex appeared. This one was much, much larger than the ones the fighters had emerged from. “Crud!” He nearly yelled, “All ships, evasive maneuvers now! A Stinger corvette has jumped in!” His HUD targeted the ship, designated the StCv Warrior. It was a massive ship, several kilometers in length. Jason’s eyes widened as blue glows began to form around parts of the ship. After a few seconds, large beams shot from the capital ship, vaporizing anything caught in their path. “Anti-air beams! This is not good!” Jason thought in panic. A check at his Wing Display showed that 4 fighters were already destroyed.
He quickly pressed a series of buttons on his control panel, and opened a comm. channel with the SRD Legacy, the capital ship he had launched from. It was supposed to enter the area in a few short moments, and if it did now, it would likely be destroyed. “Legacy, this is Blue Leader! Come in!” He called through the comm. “Do not warp into the area! Repeat, do not warp into the area! A corvette just jumped in!”
“Roger that, Blue Leader,” The commander from the Legacy replied, although her voice was filled with static. “Get your fighters out of there!”
“All ships, retreat!” Jason yelled, as he began the warp-out procedure. It would take a few seconds to do, and would set the ship on auto-pilot, leaving the ship open to attack, but it was his only chance. He dared not look as the ship started up the auto-pilot.
Jason slowly opened his eyes and found himself in the process of warping back to the Legacy. His head fell back into the seat, and he checked the Wing Display. Only five fighters of the original eighteen had survived.
He regretted his choice to check immediately. His eyes closed and he let out a sigh.
__________________________________________________________________

What do you all think? Any critique is appreciated!

Wow. Are one of the few words that come to my mind. That is incredible, it was well worded and very interesting. Good job my friend. But, that being said, I caught a couple mistakes...

“…shooting at incredible speeds off into…”
While this sentence is technically correct, it reads better, “…shooting off at incredible speeds into…”
“…was tailing, trying to both stay behind it through…”
Correct me if I’m wrong, but there should be a comma between “both” and “stay”. Therefore reading, “…trying to both, [pause] stay behind it through…”
“…Jesse slammed on the right pedal on the floor of his…”
What did Jesse slam with? His foot? His hand? Or, if you were meaning a direction, like down, you could say, “slammed down the right pedal…” Basically, it is to get rid of the awkward rewritten words that could easily be changed to more description.
“…Two lines on Jesse’s Heads-Up Display (HUD) slowly…”
Get rid of the parentheses. They make your book seem less intresting. I would get rid of them by doing a little trick my English Teacher showed me. “…Two lines on Jesse’s Heads-Up Display, the HUD as it was referred to in pilot slang, slowly…” Or something like that.
“Gotcha.” Jesse muttered.
First of all, delete the period and add a comma, and then, since it is the first time Jesse spoke in the story, hit enter and indent.
“…that remained, then turned his…”
Small mistake here. I know it probably doesn’t seem like it, but you need an “and” between “remained” and “turned”.
“…through the comm system, “Blue…”
Comm is not a word. It is either Comm., communications, or comlink. Make sure that you change that. (And if you keep comm., make sure it has the “.” at the end of the word.
“…of the void of space, and…”
You might be able to use a better word. If not, it’s fine, but maybe something more to spice it up.
“…three-to-one margin, Purple Wing…”
I’m not quite sure, but maybe you word choice is wrong. It might be right, I’m still debating it.
“But was surprised to note that they were retreating.”
You can easily make this a complete sentence. Do it.

Those are all of the “mistakes” I caught. Hopefully you agree with them, but if you don’t, I really don’t care. =P …Wow, your story has made a drastic improvement from even the last chapter you wrote! KEEP it up!

eaglefire91 wrote:Wow. Are one of the few words that come to my mind. That is incredible, it was well worded and very interesting. Good job my friend. But, that being said, I caught a couple mistakes...

“…shooting at incredible speeds off into…”
While this sentence is technically correct, it reads better, “…shooting off at incredible speeds into…”
“…was tailing, trying to both stay behind it through…”
Correct me if I’m wrong, but there should be a comma between “both” and “stay”. Therefore reading, “…trying to both, [pause] stay behind it through…”
“…Jesse slammed on the right pedal on the floor of his…”
What did Jesse slam with? His foot? His hand? Or, if you were meaning a direction, like down, you could say, “slammed down the right pedal…” Basically, it is to get rid of the awkward rewritten words that could easily be changed to more description.
“…Two lines on Jesse’s Heads-Up Display (HUD) slowly…”
Get rid of the parentheses. They make your book seem less intresting. I would get rid of them by doing a little trick my English Teacher showed me. “…Two lines on Jesse’s Heads-Up Display, the HUD as it was referred to in pilot slang, slowly…” Or something like that.
“Gotcha.” Jesse muttered.
First of all, delete the period and add a comma, and then, since it is the first time Jesse spoke in the story, hit enter and indent.
“…that remained, then turned his…”
Small mistake here. I know it probably doesn’t seem like it, but you need an “and” between “remained” and “turned”.
“…through the comm system, “Blue…”
Comm is not a word. It is either Comm., communications, or comlink. Make sure that you change that. (And if you keep comm., make sure it has the “.” at the end of the word.
“…of the void of space, and…”
You might be able to use a better word. If not, it’s fine, but maybe something more to spice it up.
“…three-to-one margin, Purple Wing…”
I’m not quite sure, but maybe you word choice is wrong. It might be right, I’m still debating it.
“But was surprised to note that they were retreating.”
You can easily make this a complete sentence. Do it.

Those are all of the “mistakes” I caught. Hopefully you agree with them, but if you don’t, I really don’t care. =P …Wow, your story has made a drastic improvement from even the last chapter you wrote! KEEP it up!

Already done. Thanks.

Great Job

Hello!

You should feel incredebly lucky. I never review SciFi! But, somehow, I am here!

The black void of space was anything but. Dozens of small, metallic spacecraft swarmed around each other, with bright beams of gold and blue light shooting off at incredible speeds into the unending dark, and occasionally, a bright burst of orange shone in the midst of the spectacle. To those far enough away, it would seem to be a simple light show. To the pilots inside the spacecraft, however, it was a deadly struggle for survival.

Believe it or not, this beginning sounds incredebly cliché. It's the overused entrance. "There is a lot of space. Here is a bunch of stuff. Someone is struggling to survive." But the big question is, why do I care about that someone, or in this case, the pilots inside the aircraft?

My view might not be the best, since I don't read a lot of science fiction, but I would assume it works like any other kind of fiction. You want a beginning that hooks, and the best way to do that is to create a conflict [Death is a conflict, but when it is cliché like such, no one really cares.] and make us care about the characters who are having this conflict [if I don't care/know about this person, I won't care they are dying]. The information about the characters may come later, and this is why you need a hook. You need to grab me and shake me and say, "READ!" as soon as possible, or I may not get enough in to really understand what is going on, and I may stop reading.


My only other suggestion would be to characterize Jason more as a person and less as a pilot. That might sound weird, but what I mean is that I want to know more about him. Not his eye and hair color, but just who he is. Check out the Character Development user group, for sure. As I said, I'm not an avid SciFi reader, but when I have read stuff, it's always better when the character is a person, and someone I like! You might bore your reader with all this technical-battle-in-space stuff, and even though it may be important to your overall plot, a good way to hook them before they know the whole thing is to give them a character they can associate with and love, because then they'll be rooting for that character, whether they know what he is doing in the "big picture" or not.

Otherwise, you do have a good mastery of the SciFi style. I just wish I could appreciate it more! I hope this helped, and wasn't too clumsy of a review.

Suzanne wrote:Hello!

You should feel incredebly lucky. I never review SciFi! But, somehow, I am here!

Oh, really? Well, thanks!

The black void of space was anything but. Dozens of small, metallic spacecraft swarmed around each other, with bright beams of gold and blue light shooting off at incredible speeds into the unending dark, and occasionally, a bright burst of orange shone in the midst of the spectacle. To those far enough away, it would seem to be a simple light show. To the pilots inside the spacecraft, however, it was a deadly struggle for survival.

Believe it or not, this beginning sounds incredebly cliché. It's the overused entrance. "There is a lot of space. Here is a bunch of stuff. Someone is struggling to survive." But the big question is, why do I care about that someone, or in this case, the pilots inside the aircraft?

My view might not be the best, since I don't read a lot of science fiction, but I would assume it works like any other kind of fiction. You want a beginning that hooks, and the best way to do that is to create a conflict [Death is a conflict, but when it is cliché like such, no one really cares.] and make us care about the characters who are having this conflict [if I don't care/know about this person, I won't care they are dying]. The information about the characters may come later, and this is why you need a hook. You need to grab me and shake me and say, "READ!" as soon as possible, or I may not get enough in to really understand what is going on, and I may stop reading.

Yeah, I guess it is a bit of a cliché. Hmm... alright, yeah, I understand the need for a hook.

My only other suggestion would be to characterize Jason more as a person and less as a pilot. That might sound weird, but what I mean is that I want to know more about him. Not his eye and hair color, but just who he is. Check out the Character Development user group, for sure. As I said, I'm not an avid SciFi reader, but when I have read stuff, it's always better when the character is a person, and someone I like! You might bore your reader with all this technical-battle-in-space stuff, and even though it may be important to your overall plot, a good way to hook them before they know the whole thing is to give them a character they can associate with and love, because then they'll be rooting for that character, whether they know what he is doing in the "big picture" or not.

It probably would of been smarter for me to put more character development in the starting, true. It was meant to have a good amount in the coming chapters, but it probably would have made more sense for it here.

Otherwise, you do have a good mastery of the SciFi style. I just wish I could appreciate it more! I hope this helped, and wasn't too clumsy of a review.

It did. Thanks!

Awesome! I'm hooked, Waiting for the next few.

Im not gunna review 'cause it looks like it has already been done.

All I can say is keep going, don't get discouraged, and keep an open mind!

Looking forward to the next one.

Nice job with this chapter. I really enjoyed reading this. I did have a hard time finding the paragraph breaks though. I also find the wing designations a little funny. I'm not trying to sound mean, but Purple doesn't sound right. I'd at least think about changing that around. Finally, ship descriptions. You say that the interceptors are small but what do they look like? Usually, a faction has a unique look for their starships. Other than that, good job. I loved it.

Hey guys, sorry about the next chapter taking so long. With little time to write, along with a bit of writer's block, it took a while to finish. Well, here's the next chapter:

Chapter 2:

As the Arrow softly touched down on the metal floor of the Legacy’s hanger, Jason stared out at the surroundings. The cavernous fighter bay was not buzzing with activity, as a normal one would be. In fact, it was mostly empty.

“And how could it not be?” Jason thought bitterly, “When was the last time a mission succeeded, much less without casualties?” It was true, no mission had succeeded for at least three weeks, since the Legacy was trapped inside this small pocket system. With each failure came more and more deaths.

It certainly did nothing to help the pilots’ morale. Knowing that each time that they were sent out that at least one of them wouldn’t come back, some of the pilots had already given up hope, waiting for their turn to die. Jason personally tried to avoid such thinking, but with each passing day, it became harder and harder to stay positive.

Jason sighed as he unbuckled the restraints and unhooked the clasp on the strap of his flight helmet. As he slid off the helmet, he pressed a small button on the control panel, causing the cockpit’s canopy to slowly rise. Waving off a few mechanics that were slowly trudging towards the Arrow, he jumped out of the canopy and landed on the cold metal plating.

His head turned back to the small section of the hanger set out for Blue Squadron. As his eyes slowly drifted across the area, Jason found himself counting the numerous empty fighter spots. 10… 15… 20… He stopped counting, and his head slowly tilted down. “I should have been able to save them,” he thought in anguish, as his eyes began to water, “I should have seen this coming when they retreated. I should have at least tried to knock out some of the anti-air cannons. I could have saved at least some of them…”

Jason, as squadron leader, was responsible for the lives of his pilots. However, Jason sometimes blamed himself for things that weren’t truly his fault. Although he even knew that he did, he couldn’t stop from doing so.

“Hey, you alright?” A voice came from behind, and a hand was placed on Jason’s shoulder.

Jason turned and found Dakota staring at him with a concerned look on her face. “Yeah, fine…” Jason trailed off, averting his eyes.

“You should know from experience that your ‘Yeah, fine’ doesn’t fool anyone,” Dakota said bluntly.

“I guess that’s true,” Jason replied with a small smile. However, the smile disappeared once he turned back to the hanger. Humor was useless here. He had found that out a long time ago.

Dakota sighed. “Jason, it wasn’t your fault. There was nothing you could have done,” she said quietly.

Jason didn’t reply, but instead just stared off, looking at nothing in particular.

It was silent for a few seconds, something incredibly rare for a hanger. “Well,” Dakota said as she began to walk away, “the debriefing starts in five. Be there.”

Jason nodded, even though he knew Dakota wouldn’t notice it, since he could hear her footsteps sounding as she walked away. He stood there, staring at nothing in particular, for about ten more seconds before he turned and began to walk towards the Mission Room.

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In the dimly lit briefing room, Julianne Zimmerman, commander of the Legacy, slowly paced around the projector that sat in the middle of the room. Jesse had just given his report on what had happened in the last mission, and she was contemplating how this would affect their chances.

She scanned the dark room. All pilots had their attention on her, and were waiting to find out what would be done. Still pondering on what to do, she began. “With the arrival of the Warrior, our plans must be sped up. The corvette will only add to the chances of our position being compromised.”

She paused as a plan began to formulate in her mind. “We must find a way to distract the Stingers long enough that we can slip through their blockade. Recon flights will continue, so be ready at 0100 sharp. The next briefing will be at 0500. Dismissed.”

Jason groaned as the lights quickly flickered on. “0100? Great!” He thought sarcastically. He sighed and trudged out of the briefing room. Hopefully he would be able to get some sleep before he had to get back out and fly again.

Um, no comments? Alright, I guess. Next chapter is here.

Chapter 3:

Everything was pitch black. He could see nothing, even though he strained his eyes to try and see into the darkness. “Hello?” Jason asked quietly, but nothing returned.

Slowly his eyes began to focus. He saw blank space, then metal surrounding him. “Alright,” he thought, confused, “I’m in some kind of fighter.” After examining the control layout, he reasoned, “Doesn’t look like a normal Resistance fighter. Or the Arrow, for that matter.” He tried to view out and see what the fighter looked like, but due to its near pitch black color, it was virtually impossible to tell its shape. His attention turned to the area surrounding him.

He saw a large, darkly colored transport. At least, he thought it was a transport. It had a large block like structure towards the middle and four strange, curved wings that nearly touched at the bottom and top of the ship. Around the ship, four fighters of some type flew in an escort formation. However, as he leaned forward to try and study the ships more closely, his arms pulled the flight stick to the left, then back, moving into escort formation along with the rest.

“What in the world?” Jason thought in bewilderment. His arms had moved on their own! “What- What’s going on? I didn’t try to-”

“Delta 5, entering formation,” he said in a tense tone. “What?!” he nearly screamed in his head. He tried moving his hands or talking, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t move any part of his body, except for his eyes.

Jason looked around in panic, trying to figure out what was happening. He didn’t have much time to think, however.

“Delta Wing,” a low voice came over through the speaker in the helmet Jason didn’t even realize he was wearing, “Stinger ships are approaching. Eight fighters and five bombers. Prepare to engage.”

Jason watched in amazement his hands slide expertly over the controls and power up the ship he had never flown before. He finally gave up trying to control the rest of his body as he maneuvered the fighter to intercept the Stinger ships.

As he neared the enemy fighters, however, he noticed something strange. The Stinger pilots were flying old, obsolete craft that they had stopped using years ago. “Come on, what in the world is happening?!” Jason thought in frustration at the lack of answers, “Strange ships, me not being able to control my body, and now I’m fighting outdated spacecraft?! This doesn’t make any sense!”

That didn’t stop… whatever was controlling his body, however. He pulled his fighter in behind one of the boxy Stinger fighters, and began to fire lasers at the brightly glowing engines. The slow, non-maneuverable ship tried to avoid the onslaught, but didn’t stand a chance. It lit up in flames before imploding.

“Well, so far, so good, I guess,” Jason thought in acceptance. He wasn’t going to get an explanation, so he decided to just see how this played out.

“Delta 4 and 5, ignore the fighters. Destroy the bombers heading for the Revenant. Do not let any bombs hit that ship!” The low voice came again, probably the commander. Why did the voice sound so familiar?

His arms slammed the flight stick, sending Jason’s fighter on a course to intercept the large, circle-shaped bombers. He fell in behind one of the bombers, and as he began to squeeze the trigger, thought, “No! Not yet! Too high!”

Obviously whatever was controlling him didn’t pay any heed to his thoughts, and he clicked in the trigger. Dark, blood red lasers shot out towards the bomber, but the lasers only skimmed the top of the ship’s shields. The bomber began to try and escape, and Jason started to follow. However, his eyes caught sight of two bombs heading straight for what Jason assumed to be the Revenant. Thankfully, the rest of his body responded as well, and evened out its course to try and shoot down the bombs. Once again, the blood red beams shot out from the front of the craft, and while the first few flew past, two finally hit their target, although the resulting shockwave sent Jason’s fighter into a gut-wrenching spin. As he finally regained control of his fighter, a large, orange color beam shot past the cockpit of Jason’s sleek black fighter. His neck swung his head around, allowing Jason to see a Stinger fighter tailing him.

“Shouldn’t be too hard to get away from.” Jason thought confidently, as his arms began to move the flight stick about. However, his confidence began to fade as he noticed mistakes being made by… himself. The crazy maneuvers he was using would actually do little more than buy him time. They would not actually help evade the craft.

“Blast it, what’s wrong with me?” Jason thought in panic, “Is… is this even me?” His mind toyed around with the idea, but quickly dismissed it.

His head turned around again, and Jason noticed a dark outline coming in behind the Stinger fighter. “Delta 5,” the commander’s voice came again, “I’ll take out the fighter. Go for the bomber to your 2 o’ clock.”

Jason looked to his right and saw a Stinger bomber heading directly for the transport. He slammed his throttle forward and turned the flight stick, falling in directly behind the bomber. Ignoring the explosion of the Stinger fighter behind him, Jason clicked in the trigger, shooting blood red lasers into the shields of the bomber. The shields broke in time for two missiles to fly into the engines of the bomber, detonating inside the ship and blasting it to pieces. However, the bomber had managed to send off a bomb before it was destroyed!

Jason fell in behind it, sending pairs of lasers towards the small warhead. “Come on… come on…” He fired one last shot at the bomb as it came within meters of the transport. He missed.

The bomb struck the Revenant dead on. Jason watched in horror as the transport broke into pieces. The resulting explosion engulfed him, and the screens on his display began to flicker as they lost power…

Jason jolted awake, still in his quarters onboard the Legacy. He slowly sat up, wiping the sweat from his brow. He turned his head to check the chronometer that sat to the right of his cot. In dark red letters it read 2248. Still roughly two hours and twelve minutes until he had to be ready, but there was no way he was getting back to sleep now. He was wide-awake.

“What a strange dream…”

Opps. Sorry, I haven't been on in a while. So I will comment on both of 'em. So first off. Chapter 2.

In fact, it was mostly empty. “And how could it not be?” Jason thought bitterly, “When was the last time a mission succeeded, much less without casualties?”

It was mostly empty? What you have told me, it was not "buzzing with activity". Normally, meaning that there weren't any people in the hanger, or it was just plain empty. What about the other ships coming in? Wouldn't there be activity with the mechanics and the ground crew?
And then he goes into the fact that there were many casualties... Maybe you should say that there ere not many ships in the hanger instead, therefore relating it to his quote. Plus why should I care?

“Hey, you alright?” A voice came from behind, and a hand was placed on Jason’s shoulder.

Maybe this would be the time to use more of the five senses. What does he feel?

Jason didn’t reply, but instead just stared off, looking at nothing in particular.

and.

He stood there, staring at nothing in particular, for about ten more seconds before he turned and began to walk towards the Mission Room.

You use "nothing in particular" twice here, let's use some different words for these two. Or.. Maybe cut it out completely.

In the dimly lit Mission Room, Julianne Zimmerman, commander of the Legacy, slowly paced around the projector that sat in the middle of the room.

I don't think that Mission Room should be capitalized. Leave it lower cased. (I think.)

In the dimly lit Mission Room, Julianne Zimmerman,

And...

She scanned the dark room.

You have used dark, or dim, twice. We already know that the room is dark. Give us more description.

Okay, so overall, I thought that this was an good chapter, but, knowing you, I know that if you had spent more time on it, instead of rushing to get it up, you could have turned this good chapter into a great chapter! Now for chapter three.

He could see nothing, even though he strained his eyes to try and see into the darkness.

i think, I'm not sure, that because these are two complete sentences, there should be a semicolon instead of a comma in between "nothing" and "even". (Someone correct me if I'm wrong.)

Jason thought in frustration at the lack of answers, “Strange ships, me not being able to control my body, and now I’m fighting outdated spacecraft?! This doesn’t make any sense!”

Instead of the comma before the quote, you need a period.

That didn’t stop… whatever was controlling his body, however.

Get rid of the triple periods. You don't need them.

The slow, non-maneuverable ship tried to avoid the onslaught,

Fighters are maneuverable. Non-maneuverable means immobile. This craft he is firing against is obviously not going to stay still, which it would if it were truly non-maneuverable.

His arms slammed the flight stick, sending Jason’s fighter on a course to intercept the large, circle-shaped bombers.

What do you picture when you read this sentence? And why do I picture a tie-fighter. I don't think that you want me to picture a Star Wars type craft, considering that this isn't Star Wars. So, in light of that, you might want to change that description.

That is all I could find, and I'm sure others will find more... That is if they ever comment on your post. =P This chapter was much better than the other one. You really pulled this one together to keep the story interesting. Keep it up! And I look forward to reading more.

You've taken aircraft and science fiction, my two favorite things, and made them into a story. Major kudos there, my friend. Let me break down some small parts that could use a tad bit of improvement in chapter three:

Everything was pitch black. He could see nothing, even though he strained his eyes to try and see into the darkness.

The opening sentence was a little... too common? I've heard many a story start like this, especially when beginning with dreams. 'He could see nothing...' sort of ties into the first sentence anyway, so I would suggest describing what it feels like, more than what he can (or cannot) see. I think that the other four senses can sometimes be more important.

"Delta 5, entering formation," he said in a tense tone. "What?!" he nearly screamed in his head. He tried moving his hands or talking, but he couldn't. He couldn't move any part of his body, except for his eyes.

Hm. Right here at the beginning would have been a great place for some physical description. Perhaps it would sound better were it to start with the narrator telling us his lips began to move. I know that if the same thing happened to me, I'd be more shocked at the fact my mouth was moving unintentionally, more than hearing myself talk. And, instead of '...He tried moving his hands or talking..." you could use more action verbs. Maybe, "...He struggled..." or some type of synonym.

“Blast it, what’s wrong with me?” Jason thought in panic, “Is… is this even me?” His mind toyed around with the idea, but quickly dismissed it.

The only thing I can say here is to tell us how he's panicking. Is his heart racing? Is he starting to sweat?

That's pretty much all I have, because heaven knows that I'm absolutely no help gramatically. I believe you have a great writing style and a talent for keeping the plot going along. Your story is extremely interesting and I can't wait to hear more from you!

-Halleluja

Thanks for the reviews, I'll keep them in mind. Here's the next chapter!

Chapter 4:

Julianne sighed as she stared out into the blackness of space from the bridge of the Legacy. She hated how she was forced to run her pilots ragged by sending them out on recon missions constantly and cutting short their sleeping hours, but what other choice did she have? They were being hunted, and one mistake could lead to the deaths of all those onboard the Legacy. That she could not allow to happen.

“Still doesn’t make me feel much better about it,” she silently noted.

Julianne clicked in a button on the control console in front of her, then spoke into a microphone attached to it. “Recon flight 1, report in,” she ordered.

“Sensors are picking up nothing here, Legacy,” Jason’s voice was distorted somewhat by static, but was still understandable. “Maybe the Stingers forgot about us,” he remarked sarcastically with a melancholy laugh.

“If only they would,” Julianne sighed, then continued. “Recon flight 2, report in.”

“Nothing here either, Legacy,” the pilot reported.

“Recon flight 3-”

“Ma’am, we’ve got a problem here!” The comm. officer quickly cut her off, “We’re getting a message from the Resilience!” he said, referring to one of the two Resistance cruisers that remained from the Legacy’s battle group.

The message began to blast through the speakers. “Legacy, this is the Resilience!” Collin Gisborne, the captain of the Resilience, said, with alarms blaring in the background.

“Abort the mission! We’ve been discovered!”

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The four recon flights slowly emerged from the blue vortexes that had appeared in empty space. Before the twelve fighters stood the SRC Resilience and its attackers: The StCv Warrior, the StC Moloch, and the StC Trident. The two U-shaped Stinger cruisers were unleashing large, orange beams at the Resilience from the four prongs at their bows. Rapier interceptors flew across the Resistance cruiser, firing down its rounded block-like hull.

Jason paled at the sight. What were twelve fighters going to do against a force like that?

“Legacy, what do you expect us to do here?” One of the pilots in Jason’s flight said, fear apparent in his voice. “Twelve fighters against three capital ships? This is suicide!”

“Calm down and tell me the situation,” Julianne said; though she didn’t sound too calm either, Jason noticed.

“Well, Legacy, this doesn’t look too good. We’ve got two cruisers and a corvette here, and it looks like the Resilience is disabled,” he said as he looked on with a grimace at the sight of what he believed to be the charred remains of the engines. “Resilience, this is Blue Leader. What’s your status?”

“Blue Leader? You came! Our engines are gone, and both our fighter squadrons were wiped out. The… the Stingers sent fighters after any escape pods that managed to launch. None of them made it,” the captain said in a deeply saddened tone.

Jason closed his eyes and breathed deep to try and not let that affect him. “Alright, so what’s the plan, Legacy?” He asked, then added, “Soon, please?” The Stingers had begun to notice the new arrivals.

“Alright. Recon flights, protect the Resilience. You only need to keep in intact until we can send in a team to get the survivors out. The team and some reinforcements will arrive in about 5 minutes. Good luck!” Julianne replied before cutting the communication channel.

“Stupid commanders, always leaving us to do all the work,” The low voice of Chad Carpenter, a member of Black Squadron, the Legacy’s bomber squadron, muttered over the comm.

“Don’t even start, Chad,” Jason scolded while rolling his eyes. “Let’s just get this done.” He scanned the battle, and added, “Me, Blue 2, Black 1, and Black 2 will take out the beam cannons on the cruisers. The rest of you, take out the fighters attacking the Resilience.”

Eight of the triangular SRFr Bat fighters sped off towards the heavily damaged Resistance cruiser, and the four others headed for the two Stinger cruisers.

“Alright, we’ve got the Trident,” Jason said as his and Dakota’s fighters moved in on the cruiser to their left.

“Roger that,” Oliver Gale, Black Leader, replied as the two other black fighters sped towards the Moloch.

Jason’s attention turned back to the Trident. He lined up the crosshair on his HUD with one of the pointed spires and clicked in both the trigger and a button on the side of his flight-stick. From cannons on the tips of the wings shot bright blue lasers and from a large tube on the front of the fuselage shot a line of missiles. While the lasers did considerable damage, the small warheads ripped apart the spire, leaving nothing but a small stump of molten metal in their wake.

“Heh heh, rapid fire missiles. Gotta love them,” Jason thought with a smile. He quickly pulled his flight-stick back, bringing his fighter around for another pass on the cruiser.

The Trident was ready for him this time, however. Small, blue anti-air beams shot out at his triangular recon fighter, but he was too quick. The small craft danced around the beams as it headed for the last prong. Again, Jason fired his lasers and missiles, and the cannon burst apart in flames.

As his fighter sped away from the cruiser, he asked, “Blue 2, did you get the other two cannons?”

“Affirmative, Blue Leader. All cannons are down,” Dakota said with no lack of pride in her voice. Not many pilots could take out a cruiser’s cannons that quickly, especially with only recon fighters.

“Alright. Black Wing, what’s your status?” Jason asked, as he looked towards the other cruiser.

“Having a bit of trouble here, actually,” Oliver admitted as Jason watched his ship dodge beams and lasers from the Moloch’s turrets. “Chad here decided to get his wing sliced off by a beam cannon.”

“I hate recon fighters…” Chad muttered flatly as his fighter slowly limped away from the cruiser.

Jason chuckled slightly as he turned his head towards the Moloch. Two beam cannons were gone, leaving two to take down. He pulled back the flight-stick and pushed in the throttle, causing his Bat fighter speed off towards the enemy cruiser.

_________________________________________________________________________

Jesse clicked in the trigger, shooting off blue beams that blasted the gray fuselage of the Rapier ahead of him to shreds. He checked the Wing Display on his HUD, and found to his dismay that four of his fighters were gone. “Come on, Legacy, where are those reinforcements?” he thought in frustration.

Suddenly, pairs of bright gold lasers shot past his cockpit, then his craft shuddered as the shields absorbed the hits from behind. He glanced back at his attacker, another Rapier, as alarms began to sound, signaling his shields were weakening.

As he pulled his ship into a climb, he called through the comm., “I could use a little help here!”

“I’m on my way, Purple Leader!” Purple 3 said, but soon alarms were heard over the comm., followed by a surprised, agonized cry. It lasted only a second though, then the comm. went blank. Jesse’s eyes slowly slid over to the Wing Display, even though he already knew Purple 3 was gone.

Jesse let out a frustrated growl as he began to corkscrew to avoid the enemy fighter’s lasers. He glanced back at the Rapier only to hear the metallic drone of the missile lock alarm! He pulled out of his corkscrew and entered a loop to try and lose the enemy interceptor’s lock, but it did nothing to deter the pilot. However, as Jesse looked back one last time at the enemy, a gleaming silver line shot into the back of the Rapier’s triangular engine, creating a large explosion that sent pieces of debris flying everywhere. Jesse soon recognized the silver line as a line of rapid-fire missiles, and the source as another Bat fighter, although its left side had a large slice across it. Jesse recognized the fighter, and said, “Thanks for the help, Chad.”

“Shut up and focus so that doesn’t happen again,” Chad said coldly as his ship warped back to the Legacy as he was ordered.

Jesse was amazed as usual at Chad’s “talent” for making you hate him after he saved you. “What is that guy’s problem?” he wondered.

He decided to worry about it later as he looked back to the heavily damaged Resilience. “What’s the status on the cruisers’ beam cannons?” Jesse asked.

“All of them have been disabled,” Dakota replied, though she didn’t sound too happy. “However, we’ve got a bigger problem.”

“That being?” Jesse asked, frustrated at the sound of a new complication to what should have been a simple recon mission.

“The Warrior has launched a transport, probably a capture team, and it’s heading for the Resilience.” Dakota answered.

Jesse’s eyes widened. If the Resilience was captured, the rest of his battle group would be in deep trouble. “All fighters, stop that transport!”

_________________________________________________________________________

Captain Gisborne watched from the command bridge of the Resilience as the seven remaining recon fighters scrambled for the tube-shaped Stinger transport. As they neared it, however, Gisborne began to notice something. The Stinger fighters made no move to stop the Resistance pilots from attacking the transport. In fact, it seemed they were moving back…

Something was definitely wrong. “Someone get me a scan of that transport,” Gisborne ordered, not taking his eyes off it. As the recon fighters began to pelt it with lasers and missiles, he wondered, “Why would they risk as many troops as would be needed to capture a cruiser only to leave it to be destroyed?”

His eyes widened as realization dawned on him. “Everyone to any remaining escape pods, now!” He nearly yelled, as he stared up at the spear-like shape of the Warrior, which was slowly turning to reveal its starboard side.

“Sir, what are you-?” One of the officers began, but was quickly cut off by Gisborne.

“The transport is a decoy! We need to get out of here now!” He said, again emphasizing the last word.

It was too late, however. Gisborne looked back in time to see three spots begin drawing in orange bits of light, which then shot out at the cruiser.

Then everything turned white.

_________________________________________________________________________

Jason could only whisper “No…” as three large beams of orange light sliced through the cruiser. He watched in horror as the beams slowly dug through the midsection of the Resilience’s rounded hull in three separate spots, including the command bridge. Finally, the once mighty capital ship broke in two before imploding in a violent mess of flame and metal.

Jason sat in shock at how close they had come, only to watch as their hope was crushed in a few short seconds. So much in shock, he nearly didn’t realize that new ships were arriving.

“This is Rescue Team Alpha. What’s your status, pilots?” One of the new arrivals, the rescue transport’s pilot, asked as the group of the transport and reinforcements arrived. “No… No!” Jason nearly yelled into the microphone held in front of him by his helmet. “Rescue Team, get out of here! We’re too late, just leave now!”

“Say again, pilot?” The transport pilot asked, “What happened here?”

“The Resilience is gone, Alpha! Just get out of here!” Jason replied as he looked back at the Warrior. His blood ran cold as he saw one last orb of orange begin to form on its hull. “Now, Alpha! Go anywhere, just not here!”

“Roger that, we’re activating our warp-” It was futile. The beam shot out; scoring a direct hit on the fragile transport.

“NO!” Jason called out one last time in desperation. How did so much go wrong in only a few moments? “All remaining ships, get out of here now! That’s an order!”

The few remaining fighters warped away, returning to the Legacy with nothing more than their lives.

Hey! My Oregon friend!

OK, you did really good on your description's this time I really liked the one were you said, “Affirmative, Blue Leader. All cannons are down,” Dakota said with no lack of pride in her voice. Not many pilots could take out a cruiser’s cannons that quickly, especially with only recon fighters. "

It was detailed in what her voice was conveying.
So, great job on that!

And WOW the ending was "WOW" not expected at all! It was really sad, and makes me look forward to how it turns out in the next chapter.

So all in all you did a great job!

~Cat~

Loved it.

Very suspenseful and the action was perfectly done. The only thing that I could think of to suggest is that the story could use a bit more character interaction. There's a lot of fighting (which is good), but I think we need to get to know the characters more personally. How did they grow up? What are their interests? Do they have families?

Can't wait for the next chapter!

-Halleluja