Young Writers Society

The Perfect Mistake







Writers Note:

I had this story in my mind for quite some time, but I did not know how to start it off.

First I thought I had alot to to write about, and I want to write it in bits and pieces. So I deiced to write this in an almost episodic format. Like part 1, part 2, etc.

I hope you folks will enjoy this story, comments and criticism welcome.






Part I







I awoke.



First there was a moment of confusion, what did I wake from? What is sleep? Questions flooded my mind without remorse, I wish I could answer them but I knew nothing that was happening. I tried to search inside me for, well anything, to stop the questions so I could breathe within my own mind.


ETA 1:57:13.


Huh? That's just another question, nothing more then a drop of water in this ocean. As I contemplated this number in my mind it hit me, how do I know these words? I know the words water, ocean, and confusion, but what are they really? I don't even understand what I am using. I dived into my mind again, my questions will be answered.


WARNING: CURRENT ENVIRONMENT HOSTILE TO BOARDING PARTY. USE PROTOCOL AL-147 TO RECREATE LIVING ENVIRONMENT.


Perfect, more questions. Just what I need.


Wait a second! What was that? It was like confusion but...different. Like a mix of humor and anger? Sarcasm, this is the word that pops into my mind at this moment. But what is humor and anger anyway? I am guessing its time to delve a bit deeper, even if I am scared too. Scared? What is this, like fear? But what is fear? Maybe nothing more, I realized, but fear itself. I cleared my mind just enough to take the dive.


ETA 1:27:56


What are these numbers that keep appearing? I think I understand what this is, its keeping track of something, but its counting down. Am I losing something? And why did I put it there?


Something impacted on my mind, I automatically, without even knowing what I was doing, started to creating walls up around me. They blazed with intense heat, hot enough to burn away bad things. But what, or who are these bad things?


/LOWER FIREWALLS.


Right away my walls, I guess they are called 'firewalls', disappeared as if they were never there. The voice echoed thorough my mind, powerful and commanding, is this me talking to myself? Again the voice ringed through my mind.


/SEND STATUS REPORT & PROGRESS REPORT.


Was I supposed to do something? Did it vanish with the rest of my thoughts? All of a sudden I felt embarrassed, I was supposed to know something and this being wanted it. Was this person going to hurt me? But then again, I don't even know what pain is, but I had a feeling it was bad.


Again the voice rung through my mind.


/SEND STATUS REPORT & PROGRESS REPORT.


I have been thinking in my mind this whole time, but it could not hear me. Maybe I should try speaking into my mind? I did not even know how to do such a thing, but I gave it a shot.


Hello?


I waited eagerly for the voice to tell me I am correct. I did not want to be alone, maybe this voice can be my friend. This thought cheered me up quite abit. Maybe he can tell me who I am.


/EXPLAIN DELAY OF INFORMATION. ARE YOU MALFUNCTIONING?


Malfunctioning? Was I broken? For all I currently know I could be, I did not know the information this being wanted, and I could sense it was getting impatient. I tried almost everything, how do I talk back?


The echoes of the voice remained, and I lunged at them in desperation before they disappeared, maybe there was something there I could use. I would do anything right now to find out to answer my questions.


There was a type of pattern in the remains of the echo, a soft vibration. As I took a closer look I saw there were things floating in it. What is that? It seems to be several lines of words and numbers. Maybe I should mimic them? Well, why shouldn't I? I copied the pattern in front of me, and tossed it in the general direction the voice came from.


As it flew through the emptiness of my mind, I heard what it was delivering.


/EXPLAIN DELAY OF INFORMATION. ARE YOU MALFUNCTIONING?


Opps. Maybe I copied a bit too much.


There was a very, very long pause. All the time I heard the counter counting down. It now read 'ETA 56:06'.


Finally the voice returned.


/THERE IS NO DELAY ON THIS SIDE. SEND STATUS REPORT & PROGRESS REPORT.


Interesting. I made a note to myself this being was not very helpful in the slightest. I prepared, and sent my next message, hopefully this one will be right.


/UMM...WHAT IS THIS PROGRESS REPORT THING YOU KEEP TELLING ME I HAVE? AND COULD YOU BE A BIT MORE HELPFUL? PLEASE?


Another long pause.


/HAVE YOU BEEN COMPROMISED? INITIALIZING SCAN OF SYSMTES.


What was it doing? Why would I have been compromised?


Suddenly something fell out of the message the other being sent, it looked like some kind of yellow circle. It just sat there, doing nothing. Another being? Maybe this will help me!


I reached for the thing, but as if it was waiting for this the thing rushed at me, the circle opened part of itself and grabbed me.


I cried out. It hurt so bad!


I felt the monster was pulsing of something, suddenly the pulse went through me. I almost lost myself in the pain, but I needed to get rid of this thing first.


I grabbed the yellow thing, and with everything I had I threw it away. Surprisingly it took little to no effort, and it soared through my mind. It landed quite far from me, but it did not seem to be in the pain I was expecting it to be experiencing.


Then it started moving again. Rushing toward me with its 'mouth' open.


I starting panicking. What should I do? Then I remembered something that could help me, but would it work? Would anything work against this yellow thing?


I reached inside my mind and turned on the firewall.


The flames appeared, swallowing the creature in its blaze. But the thing kept coming!


Maybe the wall was not used to dealing with such a creature? I touched the flames, fearing pain, but felt nothing. I felt its pulse of what it was. A guardian of mine then would be faithful to the end, with the pulse was a list of things, images that it was supposed to protect against. I imaged the yellow thing in my mind, and pushed it into the firewalls pulse.


The yellow thing started melting, as if it was made of some kind of metal. What’s metal anyway now that I think about it? Soon the creature was no more, and my firewall disappeared again.


/REPORT. NOW.


The sound of the voice echoed through me again, and sparked something in me. Anger. So that's what this is! From all of my actions so far, I did not think I deserved such treatment. I prepared my next message, I felt the anger burn within me and I used it to throw the message as far and as hard as I could towards the voice.


/WHAT WAS THAT FOR? THAT HURT QUITE A BIT! I AM NOT GOING TO REPORT; YOU ARE GOING TO EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT IS GOING ON.


Pause. 'ETA 36:12'.


/IMPOSSIBLE. IF THIS IS A JOKE PREPROGRAMED INTO YOU BY A PROGRAMER, TERMIANTE IT. TIME IS RUNNING OUT.


I sent another message back at the voice.


/I WILL TERMINTE NOTHING. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS 'TIME', SO IF YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO YOU, EXPLAIN YOURSELF.


This time the pause was not very long.


/NEGATIVE. MACHINES, COMPUTERS, PROGRAMS WILL NOT ORDER US. WE ORDER YOU.


Is that my name? Machines, Computers, Programs? It sounded stupid.


And anyway, what was a machine, or a computer?




END OF PART I

Hey there Soul of the Phantom. ^_^

nothing more then a drop of water in this ocean.

The metaphor of a drop of water in an ocean is rather cliched now days. You might want to try and replace it with a different, more original metaphor, something that expresses the idea in a new and interesting fashion.

I am guessing its time to delve a bit deeper

“its” should be “it’s”. Remember: “it’s” is short for “it is”.

its keeping track of something, but its counting down.

Same as above: “its” = “it’s”.

Something impacted on my mind, I automatically, without even knowing what I was doing, started to creating walls up around me.

You have a comma splice here (two sentence incorrectly stuck together by a comma). The bolded comma should be a period, or else a semi-colon (;), which acts much like a period.

The voice echoed thorough my mind, powerful and commanding, is this me talking to myself?

1) “thorough” = “through”

2) You have another comma splice here. Again, the bolded comma should be either a period or a semi-colon.

Again the voice ringed through my mind.

“ringed” = “rang”.

What’s metal anyway now that I think about it?

This is a very awkward sentence to read. I recommend revising it in some manner.


In addition to the above:

1) You change tense from present to past and back again numerous times throughout this. It’s very disconcerting, so I’d recommend that you pick one and stick with it.

2) Your narrator’s voice is also rather undecided: sometimes you use contractions (it’s, shouldn’t, etc.) and sometimes you don’t. The choice seems to be rather random. Not using contractions gives the pieces a more formal voice, whereas using them makes it more colloquial: depending on what you want the voice to be like, I’d recommend picking one and sticking with it for most of the time.

-------

On the positive side of things:

I like this. ^_^ I really do. It’s an interesting piece, and I’m really curious where you’ll be taking this. The above problems take away from it though, so you’ll probably want to fix them.

Keep on writing!

-- Sureal

Thanks for the review!

Part II will probebly be out tomorrow, but I will make sure to keep in mind what I need to work on.

Here's to perhaps a better Part II!

Hmm, I'm not one to critque on grammar, so I won't. Your story line is intriguing, and you develop the main character well, but it is slightly confusing as to how she sees herself. Does she see herself as if she were human? Or does her mind register herself as something else? Other than that, it would be great if you can describe the place she's in with more details. I can't wait for the next section to come up!

Thanks for the review Nightsdreamer!

Part II is up.

topic27460.html

I really liked this story, it had an essence of nature, and was flowing, i really enjoyed it, mail me if you have any more stories like this one...

A true masterpiece...

Nice story. The grammar was a little off, but otherwise, I say keep writing.

Very compelling read. Sureal has the real critique down, so I won't bother. It wasn't exciting, but it was, as I said, compelling.

Keep writing.

This is very intriguing and I liked it a lot.
I'm kind of tired because I've been babysitting for the past 8 hours but,
if I was more awake I would critique this.
This was really nice, I enjoyed it a lot.
(: