Young Writers Society

"Mum? Mum!" I panic, "Mum are you okay?" What is going on? This was not normal. I dial 111. The air in the room smells stale, metallic even.
"Hello, you have dialed 111, what service are you after today?" a kind sounding lady answers.
"I need the ambulance, my mother has collapsed and white froth is coming out her mouth," I say as calmly as I can. First my sister, then my brother, not my mum too. I just can't handle any more of this.
"Okay, what's your address, age, name, and phone number?"
"My name is Kayte, I am fourteen years old, my address is 120 Karrelo Avenue, and my phone number is 04 473 2383, please hurry. I'm scared." Vertigo sways me until I see the red and blue lights.

I look at the pale figure that is my mother. My friend Sarah is sitting next to me. I look at her, her thin blonde hair moves gently in the soft breeze, her pale blue eyes glisten in the sun set.
"You know, Kayte, you are my best friend," she says.
"Yeah, you-"
"And you know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you," she continues.
"Yeah, I know Sarah, what are you getting at?"
"I... I want to help, with anything. These aliens. They- they took my mum." I stare at her silently. The lights from the ambulance make sinister shadows under Sarah's eyes.
"Excuse me, Kayte, is it?" an ambo officer asks.
"Yeah, that's me," I stand up. Sarah looks at me. She tries to tell me something, something so delicate that I almost sit back down and tell the ambo guy to piss off. But no. She just keeps staring. Or is that how she's trying to tell me?
"Then I need you to come with me." Pushy much? I think to myself.
"Is my mum okay?" I ask cautiously.
"She will be, I promise," His voice kinks on the last syllable. Whatever.
"Sarah, you coming?"
"Yeah, help me up," she smiles. I clasp her hand and pull her off the dark asphalt of the path. The crisp 7pm air blows over us, so we rush to the ambulance.
Sarah looks at me unsurely. Her gaze shifts to Kendyll, the ambulance officer. One of his hands are a pale purple. I quickly look at Sarah, eyes wide. The ride is bumpy, I think the driver's purposely driving crap. Oh well. At least we are on route. To help mum.

Kayte sits down on a red leather couch. Her sister, Saylise, is asleep. Daryn, her father is washing dishes with Lyona, his wife. The light clouds leave whispy shadows through the windows.
"Saylise," Kayte whispers, "time to get up,"
"Ten more minuss'," Saylise groans.
"No now,"
"Don't make me hit you," Saylise laughs. Kayte grins at her sister.
She stares, looking at every detail. Saylise's short, deep brown hair, her unreal green eyes. Everything was pure beauty. Except one kink. A black patch of skin, just above her shoulder.
A spiny tentacle grows from it.
"Uh, Saylise...?" Kayte almost squeaks.
"What?" comes a sleepy reply.
"Look at your left shoulder," Kayte says; a dose of adrenalin enters her.
"What's wrong?" she says, keeping up the act till the lats moment. The only available weapon is on the auburn cofee table. A slightly sharp envelope opener. She grabs for it. The cold bronze metal feels comforting against her hands. Arm poised for attack, her mother walks in.
"What the hell are you doing?"

Hey Biffle!

Yes, it is tiny. I hope you'll edit it.

Okay, so first thing, I noticed in the previous chapter was that a 14-year old saying 'fuck' is a bit weird, especially since you've built Kayte in this way.

Now, the first half here is okay, the rush in the flow give a sense of urgency, but I want to know what she replied or whether someone came. You could describe the scene in the ambulance.
The transition to the second half left me completely confused. What's going? Where are they? What's happened to her mom? If you're trying to work out a cliffhanger, I'm sorry it didn't work here.

PM me if you post more. I'd like to know where it goes.
~Lava

Hey again Biff,

Well the edited bit is much better. It has a better feel to it.

One of his hands areis coloured pale purple .

"Saylise," Kayte whispers, "time to get up,"

You don't need a comma here.

I really like the bit with Saylise in and how you've ended it. My only problem with it is that, why is it inserted here? Perhaps, Kayte is thinking about her? Won't Kayte ask her friends what's up or what she wanted to say in the ambulance? Also, you could work on your descriptions. The first chapter's descriptions were much better.

Anyway, really good plot. Try to revise your drafts one or two times and do it slowly before posting here. This really has potential.
~Lava