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Speculation: F58 part 2



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Thu Aug 06, 2009 1:43 am
Faia Merth says...



-- Part 2 of the first chapter of Speculation: F58. --

“How did you drown?”
I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to remember., but something forced my mouth to form words. “My dad was murdered in front of me because he found out that weapons were illegally being transported into Canada through the company he worked for. The bosses of I.W.C figured out that he knew about the dealings, so they went after me to make sure my dad didn’t tell anyone. But, My dad came to get me before they could. They followed him and killed him. I saw the whole thing, so the guys that murdered him couldn’t have me running to the police with information on the bosses of I.W.C, so they caught me, took me onboard a helicopter and dropped me somewhere out in the ocean so no one would find my body.”
Opening my eyes a fraction, I saw the creature nod and the beeps started again. I realized that it was holding a clipboard with abnormally long fingers, which didn’t seem to have fingernails, and was typing on it.
My body was becoming lighter and easier to move by the minute, but I still wasn’t fully mobile yet. I could barely close my fists. I let out a deep breath and swallowed, trying to just accept the current situation.
“Please, can you answer at least one of my questions? I just want to know... Am I really dead? Because if I’m dead, how am I here? I mean, I feel alive... But I’m dead, right?” I said very quickly, forcing myself to stop talking. If I asked to many questions, the creature might not answer.
The creature was silent and I bit my lip in anticipation. It looked up towards the white ceiling and said with a hint of sadness in it’s voice, but I couldn’t be sure,” Jacqueline Birstmor is not dead, nor has she ever died. You have been within the Dream for a long time and have just woken. You have your memories in tact and are now a Dreamer.”
I hesitated. “What’s a Dreamer?”
“A human who has undergone the Dream and become a host for memories of the past.”
“I don’t understand.” Confused didn’t quite cover what I was feeling. Nothing made any sense. I was a host for memories? ”Can you explain better? I really don’t understand any of this.”
“G76 is not permitted to explain more about your current state.”
“Oh, well then, since I’ve apparently died, I was in the middle of the ocean before. How did I get here?
“You were always here. No more questions. The first exam should have been done by now.” It held out one of it’s deformed hands to me and I shrank back against the wall, trembling.
“Don’t touch me,” I hissed, my body still not functioning as it should.
“This won’t hurt. Nothing is going to be injected into you,” said the creature softly. I felt oddly comforted. I felt myself being forced into thinking that it wouldn’t hurt me. Slowly, the creature moved forward and clasped our hands together.
“Prepare yourself. This won’t take long,” it murmured, closing it’s eyes.
I tensed, extremely uneasy and I tried to pull my hand away, but it seemed to stick to the creatures ice cold skin.
Everything vanished into darkness and I felt like something was inside of me, drifting through my body like smoke. I attempted to struggle, but how exactly do you struggle against something that is inside of you? My body wanted to repel whatever it was, but I didn’t know how to. Images of my life started flashing before my eyes, like someone was flipping through my memories like a book. I could hear whispering voices too; people talking to me in the past. All my painful emotions started resurfacing.
First, my brother being shot by my mother when she was in a drunk rage, then my mother leaving me after injuring my father and destroying half the house. The phone call the next year telling me she was dead was almost a relief. My fathers death, which was the most painful, came up and I snapped. Whatever was inside of me was going to far. A deep anger swelled up from somewhere deep within me and expelled whatever was filtering through my body.
My eyes shot open. I was slumped over on the bed, panting and covered in sweat. The creature had released my hand and backed up a couple of feet. It’s face seemed to have an expression resembling shock, but it was hard to tell because of it’s deformed features.
I glared at it, anger still swirling around inside of me like a hurricane. “What did you do to me?” I growled, getting into a more dignified position and slowing my breathing. I wiped the sweat from my brow with the back of my hand. “Why was I remembering those things?”
It shook it’s head quickly, all expression leaving it’s face in an instant. “F58 is the first success, other than N02, who was a failed disaster. Dream tests are over. J87 will be here soon to transport you to the D.I.C ward to join the other Dreamers. Please wait patiently.”
“No, J87 won’t take me anywhere,” I hissed under my breath, anger blocking out all of my other emotions and thoughts. Never before had I ever felt this kind of intense emotion. It felt like I was going to explode. Everything became hazy. I felt my body moving, but I wasn’t moving it. It was like someone pulling the strings on a puppet, the only problem; I was the puppet.
I lashed out viciously at the creature, striking it directly across the face. It felt like I hit a brick wall. All my fingers felt twisted and broken. I held back a cry of pain as I jumped off the bed and skirted around the creature on nimble feet. Racing towards the door, it slid open and I heard the creature hit the wall. Had I really hit it that hard?
I sprinted down the hallway, which was just plain white and straight. No doors, windows, buttons or handles could be seen. Trying my hardest, I wasn’t able to see the end of the hallway either.
My feet just seemed to fly underneath me. I was moving faster than I could have imagined. The anger inside of me was subduing, as well as my strength failing. I had always been good in short sprints, but I had horrible stamina. I was still moving at an incredible speed though.
I looked over my shoulder and saw the creature hobbling outside of the room, one hand pressed to it’s face where red slim dripped down it’s face. Is that blood? It looks gross... more like slime. It’s emotionless voice sounded down the hallway. “F58 has escaped!”
I forced myself to go faster, but my legs were already killing me. Come on, Jackie! Life or death here! Just run!
Suddenly, I herd barking and growling. A dog? It’s set the hounds on me? Feels like I’m escaping from prison... Barely turning my head to look behind me because I was going to fast, I felt my whole body freezing over in terror, but I forced myself to keep moving.
There were two, monstrous dog monsters charging down the hallway with abnormal speed. Both were jet black and with blazing gold, murderous eyes that seemed to glow. They had slavering jaws with huge, protruding fangs and bird like talons, curving down into deadly points. Fluorescent blue dragon-like spikes stuck out from their shoulders and along their backs. Long, dinosaur-like tails lashed out behind them with deadly speed.
A roar echoed down the hallway and blind terror took over my body. I forgot my aching muscles, burning lungs and throbbing heart. I pushed myself beyond my limits.
I’m going to die! I’m going to die! This is it! Ripped to shreds by mutant dogs! I heard screaming; then realized it was me. “Help me! Someone! Anyone!”
Suddenly, I saw a door to my left. Another roar tore down the hallway, making me become clumsy with panic and fall to my knees. I crawled desperately to the door, which slid open and I threw myself in with no second thoughts about what could be inside.
The door shut as soon as I hit the ground and I lay sprawled out, panting and covered in sweat, my heart pounding a million times a second. I took big gulps of air and looked around the room I was in, realizing that it was pitch black.
Oh, shit! My panic escalated again and I pushed myself up to my feet, wavering nauseously on the spot. I heard shuffling and then the lights came on, blinding me. I threw my arm up in front of my eyes to protect them. Slowly, I let them adjust and peered over it, curious as to what new horrors I was about to face. Five children stared back at me from inside the tiny room and I gawked with wide eyes.
There was two girls and three boys, all around the age of 10 or 11. They were all albino and hunched over on the floor. Their skin just seemed to hang off of their bones, which protruded from their bodies awkwardly like the creatures. Their eyes were dull and blank, all having sunk into their sockets. I looked harder and noticed they had no pupils, their eyes were just pure white.
I shrank back against the wall as one of the boys rose to his feet and stumbled towards me like a zombie.
“Who’re you?” he mumbled, eyes focused on the ground instead of me. I wondered if he was blind.
I bit my lip. “My names Jackie,” I said softly, trying to sound kind and welcoming. What had happened to these children?
“Dreamer?” As he got closer, the other children stood up and started to drift over, closing in around me. My heart started to pick up speed.
“Yes. I’m a Dreamer,” I stammered, looking for an escape. I knew that I didn’t have a reason to be scared. The children were weak, sick and needed medical attention immediately, but I still felt my terror beginning to consume my body.
One of the girls brushed up against me, her skin exactly like the creatures, and I jerked away. Before I knew it, I was screaming and thrashing on the floor, all the children clawing and ripping at my skin.
“Get off of me! Leave me alone!”
One of the girls clamped her hand over my mouth and whispered madly, a wide grin crossing her face and her pupil less eyes getting an insane glint,” Welcome to hell!”
I bit her and she screamed, ripping her hand away. Blood splattered my face, warm and fresh. All the children let go of me and backed away, frightened. I sat up and looked at them, baffled. Why were they backing off all of a sudden? I suddenly became aware of the fact that the children weren’t actually looking at me, but of something behind me. Slowly, I looked over my shoulder. One of the creatures was standing in the doorway, the mutant dogs nowhere in sight.
“Jacqueline Birstmor, please come with J87,” it said, not looking at me, but at the children. I rose unsteadily to my feet, unsure of what to do. Go with the creature and see what horrors it had in store for me, stay with the evil children who wanted to claw me to death... Or try to escape again.
“What are you going to do with me?” I said, trying to sound stern and menacing. The creatures eyes flicked over to me and I kept my gaze as steady as I could.
“I’m here to take you to the D.I.C ward.”
“What’s the D.I.C ward?”
The creature didn’t answer, but grabbed my arm in one lightning fast motion and injected a needle into it. I fell over like a sack of potatoes. Everything started to go blurry. I dimly saw the creature, J87, bend over and say in a hushed voice,” Something has to be done to prevent the successes from escaping like this. N02 was worse, but we can’t afford to loose these ones.” It’s ice cold hand touched my shoulder and I lost consciousness.


Opps. I think that I've paced this part too fast, but I need other peoples opinions :? Please don't be afraid to be harsh with reviews! Also, for any one who does review, I'll try my hardest to review a piece of your work :D Thank-you :)
  





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Thu Aug 06, 2009 2:46 pm
cnvalambrosia says...



Sorry, I'm not usually that harsh. I most commonly focus on the story line.

This is pretty interesting. Confusing. Although at a start of a story it can be affective to be confusing as long as you put suspense to it. Which you did by making it so bizarre.

I thought to myself this reminds me of a good twilightzone episode. Then I realized that my brother is watching it in the next room... da da daa...

Could use more details. How does her head feel? How does being ripped apart feel? How did running from dinausor dogs feel? And so much more if you dig into it.

I've seen where other writers have tried not to make a story to long. You didn't do this(as far as i can tell). But that doesn't benefit the story. Give the story what it needs to really survive and accomplish, cause if it's good than wouldn't the reader maybe want it to be long.......?

mmmhhhmmm.

Nice. imaginative. :D
~C.N.

"Out here, I believe in everything. Every leaf, every flower. Birds, the air. Just a feeling that I cannot explain."Green Mansions(1959)
  





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Thu Aug 06, 2009 10:46 pm
sarah12375 says...



Hey I liked the chapter :)

The only thing is, I think you should put more detail into it. Like how she feels, what does it smell like maybe, how does it feel..... Make the reader feel what the characters are feeling :)

It was a great chapter, rushed but kept me reading.

I enjoy the character and her life before, I like how you incorporated her past with her present situation.

All in all it was really good.
  





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Fri Aug 07, 2009 5:34 pm
Pretty Crazy says...



This is interesting, I'd really like to see what happens next. Please, please, please post some more!
There's just one thing; this is a really good story, don't ruin it by making it all creepy and afterlifey. :?
The misshapen creatures are fine, I love the imagination in this. But I wish you would get on with it! And, at the same time add some more description. You don't have top jump ahead too far, just give the reader some idea of what might happen. Or is that what you wanted? To have the reader as puzzled as the main character? Maybe it's just me, you're such an intriguing writer that I want more. :)
Anywho, keep up the good work and thanks for reviewing my story! :D
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Mon Aug 10, 2009 11:24 am
LastManStanding says...



The story and concept are interesting. You kept up the level of suspense throughout. The pacing was well done.

Also the mystery on whether Jackie was even human or a clone (manufactured for the purpose of being a Dreamer) made the character intriguing. There are several emotional possibilities that can be derived from that scenario.


So keep up the good work.
  





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Thu Aug 27, 2009 12:47 am
Tassen Spellbinder says...



Let me start by saying this was excellent, and a pleasure to read. Not being very good at the quote system, I'm just going to copy-paste the pertinent parts, and point out what I saw.

You have your memories in tact and are now a Dreamer.”
-Here, make it "intact," instead of "in tact."

I tensed, extremely uneasy and I tried to pull my hand away, but it seemed to stick to the creatures ice cold skin.
-you need an apostrophe before the s in 'creatures'

It’s face seemed to have an expression resembling shock, but it was hard to tell because of it’s deformed features.
-I'm not sure about this, but I think you might have used the wrong 'its'. Check with someone else, though- that's the one thing I never quite got right as a child learning grammar.

It was like someone pulling the strings on a puppet, the only problem; I was the puppet.
-This is a correct sentence, though I would have used a - in place of the ;. That might just be me, however. It's fine already.

My feet just seemed to fly underneath me. I was moving faster than I could have imagined.
-I would recommend combining these sentences.

“My names Jackie,” I said softly, trying to sound kind and welcoming.
-You need an apostrophe before the s in names.

Everything started to go blurry. I dimly saw the creature, J87, bend over and say in a hushed voice,” Something has to be done to prevent the successes from escaping like this. N02 was worse, but we can’t afford to loose these ones.” It’s ice cold hand touched my shoulder and I lost consciousness.
-Your quotation marks are facing the wrong way, and attached to the wrong word at the beginning. It should be attached to Something, and not voice.


Hopefully this helps, and best of luck. Can't wait to read more!
It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. - George Orwell, 1984

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