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Chapter 1 /The invasion



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Fri Jun 26, 2009 12:12 pm
Rj Rock says...



Chapter 1
Sam began the uphill climb towards his house. He had just enjoyed a few hours of Xbox 360 and P.S.P with his mate. Now he was dreading school the next day as he had yet again failed to do his French homework. He looked out into the forest on his right as he strode upwards. In the forest, the trees were packed incredibly close together making the forest dark, especially after sunset.
Sam thought back to the time when he and John, his mate, were eight. They had both been climbing King Oak, King Oak was the biggest tree in the forest and had a huge amount of space around it; it was everyone who knew the forests, favourite tree. Anyway, like most days Sam and John were trying to climb to the top. John had gone first and Sam followed him. Just as John was reaching the top, the branch underneath him snapped?” John plummeted down screaming, straight into Sam and the two of them crashed down onto the floor. Sam broke his wrist and John broke his leg. The Doctor said they were lucky.
That was years ago, six yeas ago to be precise, many thing have changed, Sam was fourteen now. As Sam stared out over the forest his mind went back to dreading school and the letter his tutor had given him today. On it was a table of all the G.C.S.E he could take and now Sam had to decide which ones he wanted to. Sam saw the bench by the edge of the forest and decided to sit on it; he hadn’t been to the bench for a while, so he hoped the other kids at his school hadn’t done anything disgusting to it. As he strolled over, he pondered over what subjects he would have to take to become a professional football player, coach or manager.
Sam was happy to find that the bench wasn’t to badly wrecked and that the wasn’t to many new carvings or lumps of used gum attached to it since he had last been there. He then dropped down his bag and slumped onto the bench before looking up into the sky. The stars were all really bright tonight and he could see the sky well as there were no clouds. Sam tried to remember some of the constellations he had learnt at scouts but couldn’t. He went back to thinking about his G.C.S.E.
Sam’s jaw dropped! Out in blackness a vast shape of many vibrant shades of blue burst into appearance. “I’m seeing things,” whispered Sam to himself.
He rubbed his eyes, yet the blue shape was still there! Clumsily he dug his hand into his hoodies pocket and pulled out his mobile, the whole time his eye fixed on the blue shape, zooming his mobiles camera in onto the blue shape he admired it. He realized that it was lots of different coloured blue lines all curving into a blue hole. Sam began taking pictures as many different thoughts rushed through his mind. A hallucination, an illusion, something to do with the planets reflecting stars! His mind came to halt on one conclusion; surely it was the only possible answer! “Aliens”, muttered Sam to himself.
With these photos, I’ll be able to make a killing he thought. Maybe I won’t need any G.C.S.E , maybe this will set me up for life! Sam pondered on that thought. He looked at the shape again paying especial attention to the centre where there was a dark blue circle which all the lines came out of! Suddenly the circle began to shine, like a star. It began to grow brighter and larger. “Wow” gasped Sam as suddenly the huge star, burst forward away from the blue shape.
As quickly as it came, the blue shape vanished into nothingness! Yet the star remained. Sam zoomed his camera in on it to realize that the star was transmitting a red glow! “Damn!” He groaned. Stars’ coming out of blue shapes isn’t natural. Even though he had evidence they had both been here he didn’t have evidence of the star coming out of the blue light and no one was going to believe him!
Sam continued to monitor the star; it was just hovering. It began to grow larger. Curiously Sam continued watching. A few minutes later the star then began to divide into three smaller stars, they glowed red and were now much larger that any other star.
A chill went down Sam’s spine. “This is unnatural” muttered Sam.
The stars sparkle then began to disappear and the red glow dominated the other colours. Sam wondered to himself, “why I am still here?”
He realized that all though he was absolutely and utterly terrified, this was too much of a once in a life time opportunity to miss! He also realized that he was freezing and that it was now an awful lot darker then it had been when he arrived. He pulled the ends of sleeves over his hands and tightly folded his arms. He looked back at the red glowing stars; they were now bigger than the moon and not circular. The Stars were in fact golden ovals with black edges and markings; all the space around them for quiet some distance was red.
Sam painfully fought the urge to run home as fast as he could and forget all about these ... He no longer knew what to call them. He did have an idea or two though but he was pushing them to the back of his mind as he knew they were far too terrifying.
As the Stars grew bigger, they came nearer. They were now so vast that many of the stars that Sam had been able to see when he arrived were now hidden. With out their light it was now incredibly dark and cold, a fearsome wind was also blowing powerfully. Sam shivered as he pulled his legs up against his chest in an attempt to keep himself warm but by now it was so cold that it didn’t help much.
The stars were now so huge and close to Earth that unless Sam looked in completely the other direction, he couldn’t see the sky. As they were now so near Sam could also see much more detail upon them. They were sparkling gold ovals that had rounded lumps in certain places. They also had black gashes like the vents upon some cars and were littered with black circles that looked a little like port holes. In the centre of he bottom there was a strange device that reminded Sam of a CCTV camera.
The cold was now so immense that Sam’s teeth began to chatter. On top of it all he now knew that his conclusion was almost definitely right! The thing was an Alien Space Ship!
Earlier on he would have been ecstatic to find out that the blue shape was aliens but now he wished it was anything but. He had also now decided that he wanted to go home but was too petrified to move. The ships red glow hit Earth, illuminating it once more! He feared that if he moved the Ship would destroy him. His sane and reasonable side told him that the odds were it wouldn’t and that running home as fast as possible was the correct thing to do but fear ruled his mind.
He listened, there was a faint growling coming from the ship which had now become stationery right over head but apart from that, the normally lively city was silent. Sam supposed that they were all terrified like him.
Bang, Bang, Bang! Suddenly from several places out over the forest, lots of what looked like humongous fireworks with huge flames coming out of there rears flew at the Ship!
After several seconds it looked like they were getting extremely close and at a few meters away it looked like they were going to hit! Sam bit his lip. “Damn!” he exclaimed silently as what Sam presumed were missiles disintegrated with out hitting the target as a red energy shield flashed.
Sam was on the verge of tears, the aliens were bound to attack now that we’d fired upon them and our weapons are useless against them, the battle was lost all ready. Sam looked back at the ship, on all of the black portholes in which a red light was building. Sam realized that portholes were not portholes, they were weapons! Sam knew what was coming next and struggled not to scream. Suddenly all of the red lights powered of away from the ship toward the Earth. Sam looked up. He screamed like he had never screamed before! Right above his head, coming straight down upon him was a red bomb! Still screaming he snatched up his bag and ran as far away from the forest as possible. He felt the back of his neck burn as the missile fell behind him and going against every bit of common sense he had, he turned his head around. The red bomb was the size of a bus and it plummeted down into the forest but before it even hit, all of the trees exploded in flames, the bomb disappeared into them. Boom! The noise was deafening as fire, smoke and rubble exploded in every direction. The force sent Sam flying through the air, crashing back down; he felt the explosion fly over the top of him! Death seemed inevitable.
Sam lay there in the incredible heat, his whole body ached and he felt the occasional piece of rubble hit him. The pain made him certain he was still alive, for the meantime. After several minutes of nothingness, Sam painfully rolled over and stared up into the sky. He had expected to see the ship but instead all he saw was dust clouds. He took a deep breath but instantly regretted it, the air was filled with incredibly strong smoke, he coughed several times. Once recovered from his coughing fit, he realised that the silence had deceased and now all he could hear was screaming and people panicking. Curious now, he sat up.
“Oh my god!” Sam grimaced in deep shock. Where the forest and the bench he had been sitting on used to be there now was an ignoramus crater, its entire floor covered in rubble. The crater was so big that he could now see right out across the city. He was speechless because of what he saw. Where hundreds of towers of flats had once been there now was a huge crater, all of the houses surrounding the crater had merely become a ring of fire! Tears ran down his face when he thought about all the innocent people who had already died some of them who he probably knew.
Sam looked up towards the sky again. The dust clouds had gone, and the ship was back. It made Sam feels sick the way it taunted them all with great power. The way it just hovered there after it had just murdered thousands of innocent people in mere seconds! A ring tone exploded into action making Sam jump. He quickly whipped his mobile up, of the floor and looked at the screen. ‘Mum calling’ it said. Sam suddenly filled with panic. Don’t let either Mum or Dad die, they just can’t! Sam quickly pressed the answer button. “Mum,” he stuttered.
“Sam, Sam, darling, thank god you’re alive!” she wailed through tears.
“Mum, Mum please tell me you’re okay just please!” cried Sam.
“I love you Sam, I love you!” she cried.
“Oh no it’s Dad isn’t it, oh please not Dad,” begged Sam.
Suddenly hoards of light beams shone down into the city, Sam stared in shock! “Never forget me Sam”, his Mum screamed causing Sam’s mind to snap back to her, “Never forget me, I love aaahhh!” The connection died.
“No,” screamed Sam, quickly dialling his Mum’s number,
“The number you are trying to reach does not exist.” said the receiver.
Sam was too shocked to speak. He quickly grabbed his bag and slung it onto his back with tears running down his face. He stole one final glance of the city before running back to the path, on his way home. After a short time running through the streets he began to wish that he wasn’t wearing skate shoes and baggy jeans.
Several minutes later he whizzed around a corner and onto his street. He froze, this end of the street was nice and intact but as he gazed on along the houses began to become damaged and wrecked, and be time he laid eyes on the far end the houses were burning wrecks. Sam remained frozen. He lived at the far end, his jaw dropped. A few seconds later he revived from the shock and instantly sprang along the street.
“No...” gulped Sam as he came to a halt and dropped to his knees.
Before him lay remains of his life, wrecked rubble and huge empty hole. Sam’s head dropped into his hands as he cried out all of his self pity and sorrow. “Surely this can’t be happening.”
“Sam?” Croaked a voice from somewhere in amongst the fire, “Sam, is that you?” Hope suddenly filled Sam; he rushed over to burning rubble.
The rubble was mainly wooden beams, all stacked upon each other, Sam ran around searching for the person but found nothing. “Where are you?” shouted Sam.
“Underneath.” Croaked the voice.
“Underneath what?” asked Sam who was still searching.
“Underneath” the voice paused, it sounded as if it was too much effort to talk. “...The wood...”
Sam quickly rushed over to the wood and lifted up one of the main beams and thrust it off the heap. “Oh my...” gasped Sam.
Trapped between two beams was a lump of charcoal like flesh with five other stumps coming out of it. Dark, thick, dirty red blood oozed out of the many cracks. Wedged around one of the stumps was a ring; this was all Sam needed to conclude that the charcoal was the voices hand.
Sam pulled one of the logs that trapped the hand away from the heap onto the floor. He bit his lip as the hand and its arm fell limply to ground. Vile tasting sick flew into Sam’s mouth as the charcoal hand smashed of, sending blood flying. Sam turned around and spat it out before turning back to see the man.
“Dad!” gasped Sam.
His Dad’s arm was burnt like the hand and a steady stream of blood was trickling out where the hand had snapped off; the forearm was also severely cracked. Sam’s eyes then moved onto his Dad’s chest where a huge beams end disappeared into. His blood from his lethal wound had dyed his white t-shirt red. Slowly Sam moved on to the head. His stomach clenched, it looked as though the flesh had been ripped clean off as all there was on one side of his head was muscle and skull. Sam forced him self to look his Dad in the eye, his Dad stared at him in a proud, admiring, fatherly way! Tears began to fall down Sam’s face again. “I’m so sorry, Dad,” he stuttered.
“For what?” croaked his Dad,
Sam answered with more tears.
“Don’t... Worry, you’ll be okay, you’ll find a way, you always have done,” croaked his Dad.
Sam watched painfully as the life in his dads eyes faded. He took a deep breath and stood up. He looked up at the Ship. It was still emitting light beams down into the city which was full of fire and panic. Sam could people fleeing away into the surrounding fields being chased by something red black and big. So that’s an alien thought Sam. He looked back at his dad but something in the rubble caught his eye. He jogged over to it and knocked the rubble away. Lying there was his dad’s shotgun. He quickly scooped it up and glanced at his dad’s carcass. “Thanks Dad,” he smiled, he then strolled over to the edge of the crater and stared out at the city.
He realized that he was no longer scared. Maybe that was because he had nothing left to lose, except his life which didn’t seem worth much anymore as everything he had ever known had been destroyed! Sam searched his body for a feeling other that emptiness. He found a thirst for revenge and he knew a way to fuel it!
Last edited by Rj Rock on Tue Jun 30, 2009 7:55 pm, edited 5 times in total.
  





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Fri Jun 26, 2009 4:35 pm
cnvalambrosia says...



I'd like to know more about the aliens before he inihalates them...their motives-names- planets----.....
some stories skip that , which is wierd because its very important.

Senseless killing kills me.

But it is actually very good. I just wonder more about Sam's past. So he was a normal kid? Liked football?(by that you mean soccer, right?) Where is his friend now?
I know that is all kinda trivial but I wondered.

anyway keep up the good work........ciaou.









PS!!read my story please.
~C.N.

"Out here, I believe in everything. Every leaf, every flower. Birds, the air. Just a feeling that I cannot explain."Green Mansions(1959)
  





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Fri Jun 26, 2009 11:00 pm
elijah1 says...



Hello again. I'm here with your critique.


it was everyone who knew the forests, favourite tree.

What is this sentence saying? I'm a little confused.

the branch underneath him snapped?”

Check the punctuation.

That was years ago, six yeas ago to be precise, many thing have changed, Sam was fourteen now.

This is a run-on sentence, meaning that it's really several sentences attached by commas. Some of the commas should be periods or semicolons.

Also, 'thing' should be 'things.'

He then dropped down his bag and slumped onto the bench before looking up into the sky. The stars were all really bright tonight and...

This is the first time you mention that it's night.

Sam wondered to himself, “why I am still here?”

This seemed kind of random.

the silence had deceased

The silence had died? I'm not sure about the choice of words here.

Vile tasting sick flew into Sam’s mouth

'vile' or 'bile?'

Sam could people fleeing away into the surrounding fields

You missed a word.

... had ever known had been destroyed! Sam searched...

Careful using exclamation points ( ! ). They aren't always necessary.

Overall: Good beginning. This story has potential.

I thought you did a good job building tension with the space ships approaching Earth.
The ships came closer and closer, and Sam watched. It worked.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, PM me.
If you have a horror story on YWS, feel free to PM me.
If you would like me to critique it, say so.
  





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Mon Jul 06, 2009 12:50 pm
afeefah says...



Hi RJ! The above poster handled the grammar problems etc so I'll focus on the plot itself. i really think that your story has potential and you build up the tension very effectively. there's not really much to say so i'll sign off with: 'Keep writing!'

Afeefah :D
  





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Sat Jul 25, 2009 8:54 pm
blaster219 says...



There a number of missing words and garbled sentences. A few minor errors in punctuation as well.

He went back to thinking about his G.C.S.E.


This is usually written as GCSEs unless your talking about a specific subject such as his French GCSE. You don't need to separate the letters of the acronym with full stops either.

As for the story, its a good start but perhaps it would be better with a chapter before this depicting the main character's normal life. This would make ripping it (and his loved ones) away all the more meaningful.
"Heroes get shot, stabbed, burned, bludgeoned, poisoned, infected, disintegrated, irradiated, electrocuted, exposed to vacuum and fall from great heights. Being a hero is a tough job."
- Alternity GMG, Chapter 6 (Damage and Injury)
  





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Thu Aug 06, 2009 10:32 am
hero says...



Right. This is a goodish work, but it's a bit cliched. Evil aliens! Thirst for vengeance! Normal kid turns hero! Maybe if it were like that movie, I forget the name (with Keanu Reeves) where the humans are destroying earth and the aliens are risking their lives, it might be a bit less cliched.
The second point I'd like to make is, leave off the exclamation marks. You use it when you don't need it, such as;
Sam forced him self to look his Dad in the eye, his Dad stared at him in a proud, admiring, fatherly way!

The force sent Sam flying through the air, crashing back down; he felt the explosion fly over the top of him!

Suddenly from several places out over the forest, lots of what looked like humongous fireworks with huge flames coming out of there rears flew at the Ship!


And, this is really just nitpicking, but as the sibling of an avid gamer, I have to say it.
When you say:
He had just enjoyed a few hours of Xbox 360 and P.S.P with his mate.

A) you don't need the periods between PSP
B) Xbox 360 and PSP are games consoles. It would make more sense to say;
He had enjoyed the few hours playing games on his mate's PSP and Xbox 360.

Or something like that.

So, it looks good, it could be good, but... well, the exclamation marks are just plain annoying.
This guy is so evil you could put him in between two slices of bread and call him an evil sandwich.

Coming at you like a jetpack Shakespeare.

Hero's Reviews
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53905.html
  





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Sun Aug 23, 2009 11:37 pm
82manycookies says...



Here as requested.
First off you spelled "Favorite" wrong...*Cocks an eyebrow* But don't worry i kept reading regardless.
The plot is pretty cool. i'm into aliens too, espicially the ones that drink your blood until all that's left is skin an bones...*looks outside for flying saucer*
"NOT!!"
anyway in the beginning you kept on repeating forest. i'm sorry if you think i'm being too harsh, but i get it...it's a forest.
Other than that i think you should define the character more, as in what's his backround and what happened to it?

Signing off,
Cookies
:elephant:
"My Mama used to tell me, 'lifes like a box of chocolates... you never know what your gonna get.'" -Forrest Gump
  








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