Young Writers Society

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Hey there Suzuhara!!!

I quite liked this, though I thought it was a bit bland. It wouldn't hurt if there was a little imagery here and there and colorful sentences. This is science fiction, play with words make it seem a little more futuristic in terms of buildings and colors and such, you know?

I like Zacharia. She's well developed for this only being the first part of chapter one. I think I would like to know more about her and her sisters so good job making them seem interesting. I didn't find any grammatical errors but I'm not good at that, so I'd do another read through just in case.

The names are very unique and beautiful and I hope you post more. Please PM if and when you do.

Keep writing!

~Angel

Hola, Suz!

I didn't find any grammatical mistakes so kudos to you on that. It was fairly well written, but could be a little more engaging, I think. Maybe its just that I don't go for the cocky type, ha. I didn't really find anything about this to be new or unique though; right now this is the fantasy equivalent of using elves and dwarves - it feels as though you've borrowed a stock, conventional landscape and placed your story/characters there.

In itself, that's not a major issue but said characters/story will really have to stand out in order to make this above and beyond the average story. Right now, its too early to make a judgement on that though.

Cheers

well you reviewed my piece so i figured I'd return the favor, (sorry if I'm a little harsh)

hokay, lesee here,

She loved how the cool October wind beat against her clothes and rode the waves of her long black hair

okay this could probably become two sentences, it fine the way it is grammatically but i think flow wise it is a little long, ('course I've been wrong before)

Holding tight to the side of her jetboard, she maneuvered the vehicle into downward spirals

um, you don't tell us what this jetboard is. right now the picture in my mind says flying 2x4 and i don't think that's what you were going for.

She performed another tight corkscrew before easing her board back toward her destination, flying through the spaces between Pantor City’s skyscrapers

you don't exactly tell us why she took the time to go for these crazy spins. it might add a little too the humanity of your characters if we understood their reasoning. and i think this could be broken up into a couple of sentences as well.

Her heart thrashed her chest with rising anticipation

first off thrash doesn't quite sound right for a heart, know what i mean? and i don't think you need the rising anticipation part. it is more tell than show and it becomes a tad redundant after the heart beating part from which we can assume this is anticipation (or fear, which is in and of itself a form of anticipation)

Zackaria released a breath

I understand that putting this in its own paragraph gives it dramatic oomph, but it just makes the piece look choppy. just a presentation tip. don't do this unless it really, really, deserves this. also it just sounds a little weird as well. it isnt just a breath. i think the really nice way to do this is to give her ownership of said breath.

She felt risky early this morning and waited until the walkway floated a dangerous distance away from her before directing her board under it

couple of problems with this. first i think this is too long, you may want to break this up into a couple of sentences. second remove the "she felt risky" it sounds weird and is redundant after her action of playing chicken with a skyscraper (I've heard brighter ideas in my time to be honest, not for writing, I mean, but for getting your kicks)

Another walkway came her way and she gasped, swerving to the right only to find herself flying straight into a building

again this is a little too long a sentece (I think) try to break it off after gasped and then continue.

Thinking fast, she rocketed straight up

... and didn't fall off her flying 2x4? what prevents her from getting killed here?

Every weekday morning, Zackaria and her sisters, Chrisa and Meliz, raced from home to an old abandoned library that served as the halfway mark to their high school

why? where is the reasoning? perhaps a little back story is in order.

She needed to refresh her sisters’ memory about who was the best of the three

i don't think best is the right word. perhaps fastest might work better.

She turned around and laughed, flashing the victory sign

not to play reality policce in a sci-fi story, but isnt it weird to be flying fast in a densely packed urban zone and turn around, running the risk of getting knocked from this board and killed. right anyway...

“I repeat! Stop your vehicle now or we will disable it!” one of them threatened.

bit of nit pick here but try not to go to exotic lengths with dialogue words. He said/She said is divine. you can always describe the voice later.

firing anti-machine plates at her board

what the heck are these? it seems apparent from the title what they do.. but a little more explanation, please.

Alright its very good overall for a first time piece. but i have a few problems with the whole thing overall. it could use a little more explanation. you would be forgiven for not describing things in anything other than a sci-fi story but in a futuristic environment, you need to info dump just a little (i think). second is things over all need some detail to them. i have no idea what the picture in your head says about this place and how it compares to the picture in my head. third off i have problems with reasoning, why would anyone in their right minds do this just to get to school or where ever? they need some reasons to make them appear more realistic and human. this is also a golden opportunity to expand on your character's mental traits and history. 8/10 in my book, keep it up.

Thank you everyone for your critiques! They're quite helpful and I'll be sure to take all the advice to improve this part. I guess I left too much to the imagination so I'll try sprucing up the descriptions.

Hi Aloe: These sisters are a bit eccentric so they jet-board for the thrill of it. It all leads to an important conclusion at the end of the chapter. I provide more details of the board later on, so it's good that you're asking all of these questions. However, I'll see what I can do about making everything much more realistic. Thanks again! Oh and don't be afraid to be harsh because I'm harsh critic myself, especially on my own writing.

Hey Suz

She loved how the cool October wind beat against her clothes and rode the waves of her long black hair.

I think you can be more specific here. Why does she love the October wind so much? Bring it more in context with the narrative.

She felt risky early this morning and waited until the walkway floated a dangerous distance away from her before directing her board under it.

You do not need to tell us again that she's feeling risky. Your character's actions pretty much speak for themselves.

She flew above the building and greeted the rising sun.

Hrmm. Why (and how) does the main character greet the sun? Given the situation that she's in right now, I think she would be too excited to worry about minor things like this.

Zackaria could not lead the police to the old library. The thought of being responsible for allowing the officers to detain her and her sisters bothered her.

Why is that though?

Overall impressions:

It's well written, but quite average and typical of the science fiction genre. Consider the following points:

1)More explanation + elaboration

One thought ran through my mind as I was reading this piece: Why were they racing? This first chapter doesn't hook, because it's just descriptions of a race, nothing more. There is no motivation in what they are doing nor does there seem to be a cause. It's just seems pointless. As a result, this leaves very little for the reader to search for.

If you had shown more of the character's motivations, then it would had been much easier for the audience to be able to root for her to win. You want to make it seem as though your main character really really wants to win this. Just doing fancy tricks, being cocky and all the high tech equipment she's wearing doesn't suggest that.

And could you had provided more information regarding the police? Does the character know that there are regular patrols of the area? What's the job of the police? How do they deal with racers liker her? Elaborate. (all this just to get to school?)

2)Character relationships

There was this bit in the piece where the main character actually cared about her sister's welfare instead of just wanting to beat her. Why is that though? Can you show more interactions between characters so that we can get a better understanding of their relationship? It's kind of interesting, a cocky main character that still has feelings for those close to her. Sadly however, there isn't enough evidence of that to really bring that point home.


3)Zackaria's intentions

Her intentions also shifted way too suddenly near the end. One second, she was worried about her sisters, the next, she's disappointed that she lost. It's like she doesn't seem to care that she almost got her sisters in trouble too. This makes Zackaria's intentions unconvincing and the police chase scene obsolete and redundant as a result.

So yeah, it needs more detail in this chapter to really engage with the audience. A chase sequence means nothing if the main character, Zackaria has no sense of purpose in what she's doing.

Hope this critique has helped Suz. I know you can do better.

Good luck.

Andy.

Thanks Andy! Yeah, I plan to rewrite this scene and then have you all recritique it. I plan to blow your socks away! hehehehe. Thanks for your advice too. I'll be using it to revise the scene. Oh and this is only part one of chapter one. I explain their motivations later and the whole reason for the race at the end of the chapter, but I'll pick this up some more.

best wishes
~Suzu

T_T I have a lot of work to do with this one.

*crosses fingers* I hope this version is better.

Suzuhara wrote:*crosses fingers* I hope this version is better.

BRAND NEW CHAPTER ONE!!!

Hi

This sounds like an interesting idea. I couldn't find any errors in it. The main character Zackaria is well developed and you do a good job of describing her thoughts and feelings.
Overall it is a good start and if you continue with the next chapters it might turn out really good.

Keep writing

Hey Pringle! Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it. I actually have a new chapter one and forgot to update this, but I still appreciate the fact that you read it. Thank you! ^_^

hey!
Wow great story telling. Couldn't find any errors. Characters fit well together. it was descriptive. Character were very vocal, keep this up. it was very intense story an d that's what really caught my attention. but the down side to it for me was that the main character Zackaria felt to me like it was just not unique enough for me, but that doesn't mean that she is a great character. Basically, I really like it a lot, great story hope it gets better and better!

Hey Fawkes! Thanks for the review. I'm glad you like it. I'll see what I can do about Zackaria's character. Thanks again.

This story really caught my attention, I think the plot and the characters were great and I look forward to finding out what happens next. I do think that you could have had some more fun with the playing around in the air part at the beginning. Perhaps you could have used it to show off the characters a bit more so that when the more serious time came the reader would know them better.

Please keep up the good work.