Young Writers Society

Hey! This is just the prologue for my novel, so he isn't fourteen yet here. It's kind of supernatural but it's set in the future so I put it here. Please review, and enjoy!

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Prologue

He listened to her footsteps echo through the school’s empty halls. They grew louder by the second. Showtime. A fit of violent coughs escaped him and rocked his body. He fell to all fours. The clacking sounds quickened. Droplets of blood splattered on the polished wooden floor.

Hurry.

A red-haired woman ran to him. Putting aside her books, she knelt beside him. One hand patted his back while the other dialed a number on her phone.

“Miss Sullivan…” He gasped for air.

“Maxim!What are you doing here at this time of the night? Does your father even know that you’re
out?” Her hand trembled as she clicked dial. “Don’t worry; it’s going to be all right. The ambulance is coming.”

“Miss Sullivan…”

And her brown eyes met his murky green gaze. The coughing stopped. A smile grew on his face.

“Your time, you’ll give it to me, won’t you? All of it, down to the last second?”

Her grip on the phone loosened and her shoulders relaxed. “Of course.”

“Thank you.”

He felt exhilarated as a rush of power swept his body. Her eyes lost their shine as she fell to the floor. A clerk answered the phone call.

“Good evening. You have reached Alexandria’s emergency hotline. How may I help you?”

The seven year old poked his teacher’s still body.

“Hello? Is anyone there? Prank calling an emergency hotline is punishable by law. Hello?”

He got up and resisted the urge to touch the phone. He shook his head. Humans were pathetic. What right did they have to lord over him?

Maxim closed his eyes and imagined himself surrounded by clumps of leaves, breathing in the sweet scent of roses. Cold wind toyed with his hair.

Looking around, he saw what he envisioned. Back home at last. Crawling out of the bushes, he did his best to ignore the feeling of dirt getting underneath his fingernails.

“Find him, Eve. I don’t care if it’s midnight. Find him and don’t involve the media, or the government!”

The blond threw down his wafer-thin cellphone and ran his hands through his hair.

“Dad?”

Eli turned to see his dirty son crawl out of the bushes. With a sigh of relief he ran to the child and helped him up. Shaky hands brushed away the leaves clinging to the child’s hair.

“Where have you been? Are you all right? What were you doing in there?”

“I’m sorry.” He embraced his father.

“It’s all right. Just don’t disappear like that ever again. Come on, let’s go inside. Rosie will clean you up and get you ready for bed.”

Maximilian lingered by the door before going inside the dining room to eat his breakfast the next morning. The marble felt cool under his bare feet as he listened to the news.

“Last night, Watchers found Annabel Sullivan dead in the Eaton Hall of Maverick Academy. Miss Sullivan, one of the academy’s most celebrated teachers, died of unknown reasons. Watchers suspect a rogue Soul Thief hiding in Alexandria City. They advise everyone to be cautious. His highness King Clovis wishes to broadcast a message to the citizens of Alexandria:

“My dear people, there is no need to worry. Miss Sullivan’s death is a sign of a dying breed’s desperation. Within a few more months, Soul Thieves will cease to exist. We will drive them to extinction as we had their devil spawn, the Soul Masters. Please pay this brutal act no mind. My Watchers will catch the rogue and he will receive due punishment. Thank you, and good day to you all.”

Maximilian tottered into the room feeling unstoppable. Eli turned of the television and smiled at his son. Maxim gave his father a bleary grin and rubbed his eyes as he sat down to a breakfast of blueberry pancakes.

They thought a Soul Thief did it. They’ll never catch him because in their minds, his kind was extinct. Stupid humans.

“Good morning!”

“Morning, dad.”

“What do you think about transferring to a new school?” Eli sat down across his son.

“What’s wrong with my school? I like Miss Sullivan. She’s the best teacher in the entire world.”

He listened to her footsteps echo through the school’s empty halls. They grew louder by the second. Showtime. A fit of violent coughs escaped him and rocked his body. He fell to all fours. The clacking sounds quickened. Droplets of blood splattered on the polished wooden floor.

You start by 'telling' me an awful lot. It may be nice to speak "through" your character and "show" us a lot more. I use the terms in quotations because I'm not sure you are familiar with those concepts. So instead of writing "Droplets of blood splattered...." you would write, "A throbbing feeling pulsed through his leg, he looked down and shivered at the thick red liquid oozing out of a fresh wound in his leg...."

A red-haired woman ran to him. Putting aside her books, she knelt beside him. One hand patted his back while the other dialed a number on her phone.

“Miss Sullivan…” He gasped for air.

“Maxim!What are you doing here at this time of the night? Does your father even know that you’re

out?” Her hand trembled as she clicked dial. “Don’t worry; it’s going to be all right. The ambulance is coming.”

“Miss Sullivan…”

And her brown eyes met his murky green gaze. The coughing stopped. A smile grew on his face.

“Your time, you’ll give it to me, won’t you? All of it, down to the last second?”

Her grip on the phone loosened and her shoulders relaxed. “Of course.”

“Thank you.”

He felt exhilarated as a rush of power swept his body. Her eyes lost their shine as she fell to the floor. A clerk answered the phone call.

“Good evening. You have reached Alexandria’s emergency hotline. How may I help you?”

The seven year old poked his teacher’s still body.

I don't have a clue what is happening here, I am completely lost. We need much more clarity on who is doing what which will come by choosing a character viewpoint and writing the story THROUGH that character.

He got up and resisted the urge to touch the phone. He shook his head. Humans were pathetic. What right did they have to lord over him?

This is what I'm talking about. Here you are telling the story through your main character. In this "interior monologue" we have a flash of his personality. However, rephrase the last sentence here, the word "lord" does not make sense.

Reading the rest of the story, there are similar weaknesses. You need to:

Show and not tell. Show us the thoughts, the feelings, the sensations of Maxim.

Slow down. I couldn't understand your actual story line in this entry - I don't understand Maxim's powers or abilities. I don't understand where he is. I don't understand the plot. As a writer you need to make this clearer, spend more time describing the surroundings, what Maxim is doing. Slow your story down, take as long as you need to make a clear, coherent story.

The seven year old poked his teacher’s still body.

Who is seven; Maxim? When you describe him, he seems older.

Back home at last.

This sentence is awkward. Reword it.

My Watchers will catch the rogue and he will receive due punishment.

You already used the word rogue in the last paragraph. Use another word.

Maxim gave his father a bleary grin and rubbed his eyes as he sat down to a breakfast of blueberry pancakes.

Why would Maxim have a bleary grin? Use another word.

Overall, the story is interesting, but there are a few problems. It is often hard to tell exactly where Maxim is and what he is doing all the time. It is also difficult to know who is talking and where anything is.

Try to describe the setting more. What did the house look like? What did the hallway look like? What did the forest look like? Other than that, the story is fine.

I like the idea of this story. It's not just another story about some kid being a hero all the time, it's showing a darker side, which is pretty cool.

I agree with the other reviews, you need some practice with speaking through your character and I don't see how Maxim could possibly be seven.

I know that this is the very beginning of a story, and a lot of things are unclear in beginnings but some things do need to be clarified a bit more like Maxim's power. I get the gist of his power, but I have no idea of what he's trying to do with it. I see that he killed Miss Sullivan but I don't see any reason behind it. And I may be just one person getting that bit of information, and as an author you need to make sure everyone is getting it.

Also you should try telling your readers how your characters are saying things, in example: Instead of just: "Give me that cookie!"

You would try and put: "Give me that cookie!" The girl demanded in a bossy tone

That way, your readers know how your characters are speaking and get an idea of their tone inflections and such.

For the most part, it's pretty good. I like that you're just jumping right into the story, it's more exciting and captivating that way. Of course it'll need some work, but every story does.


~time8keeper

Ok it was an interesting read, but what in gods name was going on :S
I'll reread again try take more notice but :S
edit
2nd read around its fantastic stuff! when will the next chapters be up ?
Sorry small as review lol but I have no complaints.
Enjoy my first review not in the fantasy section <_<

This is awesome!! You will most likely get it published, and whoever won't let you is really missing out. It was close to perfection, in my opinion. THIS IS GREAT! you've done such a good job with this! Post more of it!! I really want to know what happens, and if you can't then please PM me when it get published so I can go get it. Thanks,
Ofir

well i won't lie to you, it was a little confusing and needs some work. it was really hard to grasp that he was a child, onl seven. i have a seven year old brother and he's a maniacal little boy i'll give him that, but at seven years old, he's already planning to rule the world? baloney! really i don't mean it in bad way, it's just usually kids try and act all innocent afer doing something wrong. he should have given his dad a big hug! another thing is your transitions: they were way to fast, some detail would be nice.
overall the story is interesting. i love the topic! it reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe, where his main character turns out to be a murderer. anyway, keep writing and have fun with it. my advice to you, listen to what peole have to say. i am constantly having to retype my story adding details and stuff.
~Livi J.

I have to say it's a little bit confusing and jumpy. It's quite hard to work out who's talking but the plot so far is brilliant and I like the main characters devilish and superior minded personality. I suggest to improve it you add more detail and possible tell us who's talking when there's dialogue. I hope you write more as despite the fact that it's slightly confusing it is a good read.

p.s Could you please find the time to read and review some of my work