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Relive: Part 1



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Wed Dec 03, 2008 6:06 pm
WaterVyper says...



11 32, November 18, 3194
Outer Circle, City of Zade, Planet Earth


A thunderous roar filled the air, a giant Kraken-like beast rampaging across the Outer Circle. A lone figure could be seen dashing across the rocky earth, running at an erratic pace. If one looked closer, one could see the sickly purple patches where the beast’s acidic saliva had dripped down from its open mouth. The behemoth stamped on the ground, tentacles dragging the large body forwards. The stench of smoke and blood filled the air, clogging, polluting.

Corpses dotted the fields, some ripped open, and others sucked dry of their insides. Organs and body fluids covered the area, drenching the soil with gore. A single man stood, tiny when compared to the monster he was facing. A large gun was held in his hand and he was firing away at the snake-like, writhing tentacles. Neon green blasts of plasma occasionally hit his attackers, making the flesh sizzle. Recoiling, the beast hissed but still continued its barrage of attacks. But it was bound to end eventually.

A tentacle had managed to sneak past, unnoticed. It lay low on the ground, safe while the others around it were being massacred. And then, it struck. With blinding speed, it flew towards him. The spikes stiffened and the poison sacs under each sharpened tip began to activate. The tentacle, in an area without spikes, just barely brushed the man’s side before knocking the weapon out of his hands. The man cursed quite explicitly as the weapon flew through the air and landed with a thud. That was his last weapon!

Auke scrambled for his plasma shooter, trying to dodge the shadowy tentacles racing towards him. Metallic spikes gleamed dangerously in the fading sunlight. They skimmed low over the ground, darting like snakes equipped with tri-boosters. He gasped out in pain as he overstretched, probably ripping another muscle. Cursing, a hand instinctively flew to his side- he absently noted the smooth feel of his battle suit- while he continued to run. Doing his best to outrun his pursuers, he dived down, fingers just barely brushing the barrel of his battle-worn weapon.

Unfortunately for him, he felt a cold, scaly tentacle wrap around his right knee. It held him tight and he stumbled, hitting the earth with a loud thump. The air rushed from his lungs and his stars erupted in his vision for a split second. His eyes widened in both surprise and fear. He yelped out as the tentacle swiftly jerked back, pulling him along with it. His hand made one desperate, final attempt to grab his gun. Failing, he could only do his best to resist, futilely, as the monster dragged him back, towards its gaping maw of a mouth. The monster started to do some twisted victory dance, lashing out and wriggling about.

“No!” he yelled. “No! Let go of me!” Auke’s voice went just a slightly bit higher in his frantic yelling. His gloved hands dug into the earth, trying to at least slow down the beast’s snake-like limbs from dragging him back. Another tentacle wrapped around his waist, the spikes digging into his skin. Almost immediately, the venom began to take effect. His vision turned hazy, he could feel little else besides a dull throbbing in his temples, and his arms felt heavy and leaden. His heart was slowly failing, the thumps echoing in his mind.

‘Move!’ his brain commanded. ‘Do something!’ However, his sluggish body could not comprehend what his head was telling him. He felt himself get tossed around like a rag doll, and at this range, he could feel the hot, moist breath of the Khismertan. Involuntarily, he shivered, dreading the thought of being crunched up into tiny bits, the many rows of sharp teeth biting into his flesh, the agony of living through that pain.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed his pack opening. Trying his best to do something about it, with all his willpower, he slowly and clumsily raised an arm. Reaching towards the bag, his fingers twitched sporadically every few seconds. He inwardly cursed when something fell out. Strangely, the Khismertan also seemed to stop, just to watch the arc of the quickly descending object. It was in a trance-like state, its many obsidian eyes following the arc of the object. But that wasn’t possible, was it?

It was a silver, antique-looking watch. Shaped like a candle flame, the actual face of the watch was reflective and gleaming. Easily able to be held in his palm, the watch looked, and actually was, very delicate. A slender braid of black thread trailed behind it, flapping in the breeze. If his reflexes were functioning at regular speed, he would have winced as the watch roughly struck the ground. But, seeing how the venom affected his body, he could only watch on in a daze, not really absorbing any information.

The watch cracked. Literally, it split into two halves a moment just after it hit the ground. Miniature springs and gears burst off in all directions. A few parts flopped about strangely on the ground, warning his mind that something was wrong. A greenish gray liquid spilled out from the core of the watch, hissing and turning into wisps of smoke. It faintly smelled like a citrus fruit. The curls of smoke twisted around each other, dancing as the flew higher and higher into the sky. Auke and the beast watched this show, intrigued and unable to look away.

The tendrils of teal colored smoke formed the vague outline of an oval shape. Even after the liquid had long disappeared, the hissing sound was as fresh in his mind as the beats of his heart, perhaps even more so. Even with the toxin flowing in his veins, he could feel something wrong. An unsettling feeling of dread was forming in his stomach, making him nauseous and queasy.

The oval-shaped figure began to spin like a wheel. It spun hypnotically, making the Khismertan sway as if it were a tree in the wind. The slow rocking motion, after being tossed about and thrown earlier, made Auke feel as if he were to throw up. Thankfully, he managed to keep the bile from leaving his throat. The icy cold wind began to pick up, definitely unusual for this part of the city.

Eventually, the outline had formed into a full block of color. It was a mix of the richest shades of blue, shimmering like the ocean in the sun. All of the wind began to focus on that particular spot, further alarming Auke, though he could do nothing about it. His breathing started to get heavier, despite the fear and panic. Dimly, he was aware of his lungs shutting down, the slow paling of skin to a corpse white complexion. He could almost imagine a scythe swinging down on his neck. He could see a bony, skeletal hand reaching out to him, and he seriously considered taking it. He really did consider raising his arm, taking the hand, and ending his pain.

Then, at that moment, the gale force winds ripped him free of the monster’s embrace. He was faintly aware of losing a limb- was that his left arm being flung away?- before being jolted back into his senses. The pain was finally recognized and he screamed out. He gasped in an attempt to get more life-saving oxygen but he knew it was too late. The blood loss, the failing heart, everything was conspiring against him.

And then, blue. He was immersed in a watery world of cerulean, sapphire, azure, and aquamarine. A sensation of coolness flooded his body, and he felt rejuvenated, like he had just woken up from a deep, refreshing sleep. Hazy figures were outlined in the distance, and briefly wondered who, or what, they were. He felt no pain; in fact, he didn’t feel anything at all. Vertigo was setting in, and he could no longer tell up from down, left from right. ‘Is this Paradise? Am I finally dead?’ he asked himself.

A smiling face suddenly appeared in front of him. The familiar tanned skin, the familiar scar over the left eye, the vibrant electric pink hair. He could not put a name to the face but it felt so comforting, so welcome. He couldn’t hear words, but he could feel the raw emotion. He could feel sorrow, pain, and joy, all at once in a rushing torrent. More faces appeared. They crowded around him, filling his head with soothing emotions.

The faces morphed. He couldn’t tell where the changes began, but they were there. The faces slowly became bloodied and deathly pale. Expressions changed to death masks of agony and bitter sorrow. There were splatters of squashed organs and shards of bone all around. The scent of decay and blood wafted into his nostrils, sickening him. Once again, the bile rose. It felt hot and made his throat burn. Auke’s breathing hitched. ‘They died…they died like this…’ And he could feel them blaming him.

The silver watch melted into the background. Auke hadn’t even noticed the first signs of its appearance but it suddenly popped out one moment. It was as fine and unbroken as the day he had first received it. The faces, in turn, melded with the background until they were all but invisible to his eyes. The watch seemed to bulge and pulse as if it were alive. But he noticed none of this. The only thing that held his focus was the second hand, ticking. Backwards.

The second hand quickly gained speed, whizzing around the face at mind-numbing speeds. He could see the previous events clearly play out, only in reverse. The Khismertan, the death of his team, the disastrous mission, everything. They were played so quickly that all he caught were flashes of color, but they were enough to flood his mind with memories. He could feel himself beginning to hyperventilate. Heart rate increasing, breaths coming in short bursts, all the usual symptoms. Curling in on himself, he tried to stop the images from coming, tried to stop his shivering. He was a soldier! He shouldn’t be acting like this. But for all his willpower, for all his effort, he couldn’t stop anything.

The watch stopped.

Black.
There once was a cat.
He wasn’t particularly fat.
Fuzzy was his favorite mat.
And really, that was that.

Oh, but did you really think so?
Keep reading, it’s just the start of the show!
And as for how far this tale will go…
Well, even the cat doesn’t know.
  





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Thu Dec 04, 2008 4:26 am
Jiggity says...



A thunderous roar filled the air, a giant Kraken-like beast rampaging across the Outer Circle


Either separate this into two, stand alone sentences or connect them better. 'A thunderous roar filled the air as a giant Kraken-like beast rampaged across the Outer Circle.' Later, the narrator reveals that he knows the name of the beast. So you should use it in the beginning, rather then say 'Kraken' in order to give us an idea of its appearance. We're not stupid. We'll pick it up from the description.

A lone figure could be seen dashing across the rocky earth, running at an erratic pace.


How does one run at an erratic pace? Bad description I think, unless he runs quickly, slows, jerks forward again and so on, but given the predicament I find that highly unlikely.

A large gun was held in his hand and he was firing away at the snake-like


Oddly phrased and over-written. Obviously he's holding it in his hands (plural) and the size of the gun really doesn't matter but if you want to keep that, then: 'He held a large gun and he was firing away at the snake-like' etc

A tentacle [s]had[/s] managed to sneak past, unnoticed.


'had' is the bane of flow! This is an action scene, try and keep it as fresh, present and engaging as possible.

The man cursed [s]quite explicitly[/s] as the weapon flew through the air and landed with a thud.


I say, old boy! Where did this quaint phrasing come from all of a sudden? How else does one curse, if not explicitly?

[s]Unfortunately for him,[/s] he felt a cold, scaly tentacle wrap around his right knee.


Where did you come from? Stop it! Leave him to narrate what's happening, its his POV.

The air rushed from his lungs and [s]his[/s] stars erupted in his vision


they're not his stars.

The monster started to do some twisted victory dance, lashing out and wriggling about.


Ha! No, I'm sorry, but no. You ruin the whole atmosphere and tone of the piece with that.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed his pack opening


What pack? Where is it? It just materialised out of nothingness! Not cool.

[s]Then,[/s] At that moment, the gale force winds ripped him free of the monster’s embrace.


'Then' is the bane of storytelling.

**

Okay, I'm going to have to wrap this up as I've got to run. I thought it was an interesting opening, but largely overwritten. The action tends to get bogged down in the details, which in turn, distance one from the tension. It was well executed and well written, only, it dragged a fair bit.

I found the watch to be an interesting little hook, if...random. I think you should start this from the beginning of the fight, with his team - gives us more info on the characters, the setting, the goal and in some reflection or dialogue, the watch could be mentioned, making the final moments in this chapter to be more relevant, less random.

I hope that helped, gotta go -

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Thu Dec 04, 2008 9:42 am
Jiggity says...



I'm back!

The icy cold wind began to pick up, definitely unusual for this part of the city.


He's in a city? Wasn't he on a deserted plain?

He could see a bony, skeletal hand reaching out to him, and he seriously considered taking it. He really did consider raising his arm, taking the hand, and ending his pain.


Really? Cliche, overused imagery that got repeated! Ugh. Destroy it.

My main advice would be to simplify this. Also, starting off the first chapter with so much overloading action, generally isn't a good idea. It should start in such a way as to give the reader time to place themselves in the world and learn about the characters, etc.

Cheers
Last edited by Jiggity on Thu Dec 04, 2008 10:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Thu Dec 04, 2008 10:34 am
WaterVyper says...



Thanks for the criticism, I really appreciated it. And about that city/deserted plain comment... Well, the city is divided into rings, with an Inner and Outer Ring. He is in the Outer Ring, which is still a part of Zade. And cold weather is definitely unusual for the Outer Ring. That particular section of the ring was just deserted since the Khismertan was attacking.

Oh, the pacing. Well, this is pretty much a time travel story, so the introduction of characters comes later. I have an idea for this story, but I feel like it's going to be too complicated. I'll put it up, just to be sure. If it is too complicated, I have a plan B. Hopefully, that'll do it. This will be my practicing for the next NaNoWriMo since I missed out on this year. Well, I think that's all.
There once was a cat.
He wasn’t particularly fat.
Fuzzy was his favorite mat.
And really, that was that.

Oh, but did you really think so?
Keep reading, it’s just the start of the show!
And as for how far this tale will go…
Well, even the cat doesn’t know.
  





User avatar
53 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 3594
Reviews: 53
Thu Dec 11, 2008 9:44 pm
Deifyance says...



It's a real challenge for the people who like complicated stories. I think you should keep going and don't stop, I really liked it.

Good Luck
Check out my current Series: Changing Legacy

Chapter 1
Changing Legacy: Chapter 1 - Disheartening

Chapter 2
Changing Legacy: Chapter 2 - Ambushed
  








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