Young Writers Society

Another work-in-progress. I'm posting it to get critique and feedback.

I clutched my jacket tightly as a bone-chilling breeze went through the now abandoned streets. It once had been a grand city with neon lights flashing 24/7, and skyscrapers that reached the clouds. Now they called it “The City that Forever Sleeps”. It was the trademark of a great nation, known by all. But this is what was left of it, this was New York City. One by one, the great cities of the world fell apart. An epidemic that changed the earth forever.
Of course, I’m only a small part of all of this tragedy. My name is Matt. I’m seventeen, I have dark-brown hair, brown eyes, pale…I don’t exactly stand out. I live in the Bronx, what was previously thought of as the ghetto of New York, doesn’t seem like that anymore. Most of New York is similar to the Bronx now, so it’s difficult to differentiate one part of the city from the other.
I live in an antiquated, shabby apartment with my friend Cairo. It still surprises me that we’re friends-despite the fact that we’re the same age, we couldn’t be more diverse. He’s the optimist and pretty-boy. If we lived in a better time and went to school, then he would be the one getting all the girls. His dark skin and green eyes are definitely unique.
“Hey Matt, come watch this. They’re showing more proof that the world leaders did it,” Cairo yelled from the living room, which consisted of a mildewed sofa and a timeworn television. That’s another thing about Cairo. He, like everyone else, is dead-set on blaming our problems on the global governments. The strange phenomenon occurring around the world does appear to be a direct cause of various governments’ abuse of power and carelessness, but there just seems to be something bigger going on behind the scenes.
As usual procedure went, I strode into the room. This wasn’t anything new. Cairo was always telling me what was going on in the news to try and prove his theory correct.
“Come on, hurry up! Listen to this!”
“All right, I’m coming,” I groaned.
I slumped into the sofa and it swallowed me like quick-sand. We would have to steal a new one soon. Suddenly, a neatly dressed woman reporter popped onto the screen.
“Another victim has succumb to the GD today and gave further evidence that the government is to blame.”
A second woman, this one resembling an escapee from an asylum, appeared on the screen with much less composure.
“It’s them! It’s their fault! Their fault! I know! I know!”
The reporter spoke once again.
“As you can all see, this woman with GD is clearly referring to the government as the cause of her disease. Now on to-”
“Cairo, turn that crap off,” I fussed.
“Why? You don’t want to admit you’re wrong?” Cairo retorted.
“That proved nothing. Everyone just wants to use anything they can to put the blame on the governments. For God sake’s, they named the disease GD-Governmental Disease. Now if that’s not assuming, then I don’t know what is.”
“So you think you know the answer?” Cairo smirked.
I hated when he did that. “No. I don’t have the answer, but I don’t think anyone else does either.” “People aren’t getting this disease and going insane for no reason,” he said all-knowingly.
I sighed. “I know that Cairo. Let’s just go out and try to find something to eat for now,” I stated trying to change the topic.


Should I title this The World that Forever Sleeps? Just a thought.

Wow, you picked an unusual topic. I like! You did something different then most writings with their cliches. I like the futuristic theme.

There was nothing much to critique because you did an awesome job! I like the way you have two totally different characters havinng opposite personalities with two totally different views on things. But yet they're still friends in the hard times.

Should I title this The World that Forever Sleeps? Just a thought.

I'm not sure. We don't have enough information on the story yet. And is the world going to die? That would be like the world forever sleeping. I don't know, but I do like the title itself.

Fantastic job on the descriptiveness! (is that even a word?) It helps us see things more clearly.

Keep up the great writing!

Becca

Thanks for your opinion! I'll be posting more of the story soon.

Your first paragraph. Not gripping enough. An apocalyptic story needs to really grab the reader from the start and you don't do that here.

Well, why doesn't it grip me as your reader?

First of all, it doesn't sound so bad. Abandoned streets? Heh. Doesn't sound too bad to me. And the thing is, you're walking through these abandoned streets and thats all I get. It can't simply be abandoned, it needs something else. Shuttered windows, dead bodies - something.

Now, weren't you walking through the street? You seem to have appeared in your antiquated apartment. Not a big deal really, but you need to fix that up.

I live in the Bronx, what was previously thought of as the ghetto of New York, doesn’t seem like that anymore.

I think it would be best to replace the comma with a full stop after York. You use the technique of having short sentences throughout most of your opening and it is effective. It has an abruptness which mirrors the lack of anything on the streets.

we couldn’t be more diverse

Diverse sounds odd here. I'm not sure if it is something actually to do with its defintion or its usage - it always refers to a large group of people/things etc. So diversity implies an inclusion of all those from one end of the spectrum to the other. Here you use it to indicate difference.

pretty-boy

Has ties to being gay, which isn't what you're going for I imagine.

“Another victim has succumb to the GD today and gave further evidence that the government is to blame.”

Your use of GD. It doesn't sound right as the GD. Say someone has Tuberculosis, you say he has TB. Someone has Multiple Sclerosis, they have MS. I think you should drop the "the".

“It’s them! It’s their fault! Their fault! I know! I know!”

Sorry but has humanity turned stupid? It's very hard to thing that anyone could take such shabby evidence. GD makes people insane - we're trusting an insane person?
It's not so much of a problem to remedy. You just need to make the evidence less fake. In Apocalyptic novels you can accept a large degree of strange beliefs because people need to believe.

Fairly entertaining. One or two plot problems, but I enjoyed reading it.

I like your plot so far, but it seems like you rushed into it. The whole thing about the government causing the disease seems a bit abrupt and you keep pushing the reader to think about it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, you really talk about the disease an awful lot for the first chapter.

Try to slow down, don't explain things too much, let us get a feel for the story first.

Also, like Mad said before me, why would the news believe a crazy person, and also she never said it was the government so why would they assume she meant that.

Cairo didn't seem at all believable to me, he's barely developed and I don't know him at all after this chapter except that he thinks the government is to blame, which still doesn't tell me anything about him.

Just, don't rush, that's your major problem. Talk about the GD and it's symptoms in bits and pieces and then finally, after awhile have them talk about how it could be the government's fault.

Overall, you have a great plot but it's a little rushed and could stand for some editing.

I agree with CeUpOnAtIm3Xo, it moves a bit fast for my liking, and you might want to disperse the detail on MAtt a little instead of putting it all in one paragraph. It looks like you just wanted to hurry up and get to the good parts. Take your time.

I also agree with Mad, The begiging is pretty good, but could use some work. But also, the begining sounds very sad, like everything is falling apart, then near the middle and end it cheers up. You might want to make it seem like these guys are really down in the dumps, make it a bit sadder.

Ok, on to the good things. Awesome plot! most writers that I know are affraid to go into polotics for fear that someone will stand up agaisn't them.

I like the little added line that states that they had to steal the sofa, it tells that everybody is becoming desperate. (or thats what it seemed like to me.)

Overall- I liked it, but could use a bit of work, looking forward to the revised version. (If you make one.)

dfghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhh h
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

nothin personal.just seeing if it will count as a review. any mods lookin at this, if it counts, you should get that fixed

it counted as a review.

mods.please dont get angry. please fix this

I quite like it. Though I was wondering why the government would set a disease on its own people. Maybe if you added a conspiracy theory to it, like WHY they would do this. none the less I like your writing and would definitely read on. I also like the idea for the title!

i think the first title was fine.
im not much for change in stories.
i think this one is fine i like your original stuff. besides maybe grammer or w/e
i dont see why it would be changed or something.

idk i like it. sooo to all u haters lol jk...or am i???