Young Writers Society

*I left the original so it could be compared to this one. I tried to slow the action down, and left details out so I could add them later. Thanks for all the previous suggestions!*

I clutched my jacket tightly as a bone-chilling breeze went through the now abandoned streets. It once had been a grand city with neon lights flashing 24/7, and skyscrapers that reached the clouds. Now they called it “The City that Forever Sleeps”. It was the trademark of a great nation, known by all. But this is what was left of it, this was New York City. One by one, the great cities of the world fell apart. An epidemic that changed the earth forever.
Of course, I’m only a small part of all of this tragedy. My name is Matt. I’m seventeen, I have dark-brown hair, brown eyes, pale…I don’t exactly stand out. I live in the Bronx, what was previously thought of as the ghetto of New York, doesn’t seem like that anymore. Most of New York is similar to the Bronx now, so it’s difficult to differentiate one part of the city from the other.
Although I’ve lived in New York for as long as I can remember, my complete lack of any sense of direction had me nearly passing my paint-chipped door for the hundredth time. When I realized which part of the wall was the door, I happily bustled into the entrance to get out of the cold. The sun’s faint light filtered in behind me to reveal an antiquated, shabby apartment that I shared with my friend Cairo. It still surprises me that we’re friends-despite the fact that we’re the same age, we couldn’t be more different. He’s the optimist and, shall I say, aesthetically pleasing one. If we lived in a better time and went to school, then he would be the one getting all the girls. His dark skin and green eyes are definitely unique.
“Hey Matt, come watch this,” Cairo yelled from the living room, which consisted of a mildewed sofa and a timeworn television.
As usual procedure went, I strode into the room. This wasn’t anything new. Cairo was always telling me what was going on in the news.
“Come on, hurry up! Listen to this!”
“All right, I’m coming,” I groaned.
I slumped into the sofa and it swallowed me like quick-sand. We would have to steal a new one soon. Suddenly, a neatly dressed woman reporter popped onto the screen.
“Another victim has sadly succumb to GD today. Here is a small clip from this recurring problem.”
A second woman, this one resembling an escapee from an asylum, appeared on the screen with much less composure.
“It’s them! The ones that run everything! It’s their fault! Their fault! I know! I know! You‘re all being tricked…puppets! The higher-ups…coming for you. Can‘t you all see!? ”
The reporter spoke once again.
“This woman with GD is clearly suffering from mental inabilities and a slow deterioration of her nervous system--”
“Cairo, turn that off,” I fussed rubbing my forehead. I hated seeing the horrors constantly displayed on the news.
“Sorry. Just trying to keep you updated on what‘s going on though,” Cairo retorted.
“I don‘t need to see anymore about that disease. I‘ve seen enough for a lifetime.”
“Haven‘t we all?” Cairo sighed.
“But people aren’t getting this disease and going insane for no reason,” he added all-knowingly.
Knowing Cairo, he was going to continue talking about GD and bring that up, so I tried to divert his attention. “I know that. Let’s just go out and try to find something to eat for now. That is, if we can find anything at all.”
“I’m sure we’ll find something good to eat. Hey, how about Oriana’s? She’s usually stocked up,” Cairo said heading for the door.
“Uh, Oriana’s? How about we go somewhere else?” I suggested nervously.
“Somewhere else? Why?”
“It--It’s getting late and we shouldn’t wander around in the dark. Oriana’s is too far from here,” I was grasping at any excuse.
“Nah, we’ll be fine! You worry too much!” Cairo chuckled and then gave me a funny look.
“You do usually get up-tight when we’re around her. Just calm down buddy, you’ll be okay.” And with that Cairo pulled his coat on and was out the door.

I thought it was really good! I would have liked it more if you had described the abandoned city more (for those of us who have never been to New York) and I really do need to know more about GD, the only thing I know about it is that it makes people crazy.

Another thing, I'm slightly confused. In my mind I see nearly the whole world abandoned in this story, and if it is just the major cities why don't Matt and Ciaro go to a place with people?

Overall I felt it was well written and a good story but you left me with too many unknowns. Either slap more on this post or post another part please.

-Pol

Okay. I'll start with some fixes:

"I clutched my jacket tightly as a bone-chilling breeze went through the now abandoned streets. It once had been a grand city with neon lights flashing 24/7, and skyscrapers that reached the clouds. Now they called it “The City that Forever Sleeps”. It was the trademark of a great nation, known by all. But this is what was left of it, this was New York City. One by one, the great cities of the world fell apart. An epidemic that changed the earth forever."

Hmm, that first sentence is a little awkward. I'd change "went" into a more interesting verb, and I'd take out the word "now." "Breeze" is a little too tame to describe something that's bone-chilling. Try something like this: "I clutched my jacket tightly around me as bone-chilling gusts swept through the abandoned streets of the fallen city."

As for the second sentence, I'd modify it just a little, and throw in a semi-colon to merge it with the next sentence. Try: "Once, eternal neon lights had adorned skyscrapers that stretched up into the clouds; now, this ex-metropolis was known as "The City that Forever Sleeps.""

Lastly, I'd delay the revelation that the city is, in fact, New York, until the end of the paragraph, to give it more of an element of surprise. Here's my revision of the entire paragraph:

"I clutched my jacket rightly around me as bone-chilling gusts swept through the abandoned streets of the fallen city. Once, eternal neon lights had adorned skyscrapers that stretched up into the clouds; now, this ex-metropolis was known as "The City that Forever Sleeps." It had been the trademark of a great nation, known by all, yet it had fallen with the rest as, one by one, the great cities of the world collapsed in an epidemic that changed the earth forever. This was New York City."

Of course, I’m only a small part of all of this tragedy. My name is Matt. I’m seventeen, I have dark-brown hair, brown eyes, pale…I don’t exactly stand out. I live in the Bronx, what was previously thought of as the ghetto of New York, doesn’t seem like that anymore. Most of New York is similar to the Bronx now, so it’s difficult to differentiate one part of the city from the other.

You probably want to switch the focus to the character at this point. I'd start off with "I," and put the "of course" in commas. That's just a stylistic choice, of course, but see what it does?
"I, of course, am but one small part of this global tragedy."

Good use of ellipses, here, but I'd still suggest removing them. They almost never add anything to the story that other punctuation can't replace. Here's my full revision of the paragraph:

"I, of course, am but one small part of this global tragedy. My name is Matt. I'm seventeen, dark brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin; I don't exactly stand out in a crowd. I live in the Bronx, which, though previously thought of as the ghetto of New York, doesn't seem so bad anymore. Most of New York is similar to the Bronx now, so it's difficult to differentiate one part of the city from another."

Although I’ve lived in New York for as long as I can remember, my complete lack of any sense of direction had me nearly passing my paint-chipped door for the hundredth time. When I realized which part of the wall was the door, I happily bustled into the entrance to get out of the cold. The sun’s faint light filtered in behind me to reveal an antiquated, shabby apartment that I shared with my friend Cairo. It still surprises me that we’re friends-despite the fact that we’re the same age, we couldn’t be more different. He’s the optimist and, shall I say, aesthetically pleasing one. If we lived in a better time and went to school, then he would be the one getting all the girls. His dark skin and green eyes are definitely unique.

Good starting line, though the bit about the door is a little confusing. A small revision should fix that:
"Although I've lived in New York for as long as I can remember, my complete lack of any sense of direction almost caused me to pass by my paint-chipped door for the hundredth time."

Also, I'd replace the dash in this paragraph with a semi-colon, but that's just me.

This line is a little awkward: He’s the optimist and, shall I say, aesthetically pleasing one.
Just change "optimist" to the adjective "optimistic" and you're good to go.

As usual procedure went, I strode into the room. This wasn’t anything new. Cairo was always telling me what was going on in the news.

Suggestion: Remove the first part of the sentence.
"This wasn't anything new. Cairo was always telling me what was going on in the news."

I slumped into the sofa and it swallowed me like quick-sand. We would have to steal a new one soon. Suddenly, a neatly dressed woman reporter popped onto the screen.

Put that bit about entering the room here.
"I strode into the room and slumped onto the sofa, which swallowed me like quicksand."

“Another victim has sadly succumb to GD today. Here is a small clip from this recurring problem.”

"Succumb" should be "succumbed."
"Here's a small clip documenting this recurring problem."

“Cairo, turn that off,” I fussed rubbing my forehead. I hated seeing the horrors constantly displayed on the news.

Comma between "fussed" and "rubbing."

Other than that, I'd suggest keeping the dialogue so that each character's words are in the same paragraph. When you split it up so that one person talks in two subsequent paragraphs, it confuses the reader, who might think that the other character is talking.

That said, these are all stylistic and mechanical suggestions. The theme of the piece is good, and I'd like to see where you're going with it. Why don't you extend the piece so we learn a little more about the two characters as they walk to Oriana's? All in all, you've got a good start here.

Thanks for the helpful comments! I definitely think the suggestions will better my story.

This is definitely a unique take on a story I've seen attempted many times. ProfessorRabbit made some great suggestions grammatically so I won't go over that. But I will say that you should consider going and buying a thesaurus to use seeing as many of your verbs and adjectives seem overused and dull. Also, I suggest reading this post http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post384374.html?highlight=#384374 and think about reworking your description of Matt.

I sorry if I seem a bit all knowy but it was really good and I'm anticipating the next part.

i didn't notice any errors. and the story line is perfectly fine to me. but im no good with spelling or punctuation so dont go on my word lol. sorry. sounds good so far.


oh and sorry about doing this but im just adding alot of random words cause this stupid site didn't count that as a review cause its "too short"

anyways well idk.

maybe you could add more to the charactrs personality but im guessing you do more later in the story or something.


just trying to give ideas. yeaaaaahhhhhh. idk........ GREAT EFFIN STORY MAN IT ROXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol but seriously.