Young Writers Society

Part one of Planet Hell has been wrewriten lower down in the forums.

The man rearranged the cubelets on the old cube and then twisted the faces at a blurring speed until the faces were all the same color. He turned the cube over a couple of times and stared at a logo reading "Rubik's Cube". He sighed and rearranged the cube once more.

"How do you do that?" another man asked.

"Well, you build one side and the first layer then you build up like a build-"

"Yea like a building i know, but how do you do it so fast?" he asked as he snatched teh cube from the first man.

"I memorized the algorithms, thats all there is to it." he replied with a half hearted grab at the cube.

"why go through the trouble when you could just do this", as he talked he had turned the top face and popped out one of the small cubes.

"But that'd be cheating", a third man said, "but you can turn you're little cube, me i'll stick to this" he lifted his rifle and shook it a little with a boyish grin on his face, "besides no one thinks thats any cool."

"No one thinks youre mom is any cool either", the first man said, "at least she wasn't in bed last week" the man said with a grin. The third man raised a hand but was inturrupted by a stern, commanding voice-

"Lets MOVE!" the harsh voice shattered the men out of their short reprive. The sargeant stood in the doorway, "this ain't a pie eatin' contest; we got ground to cover. Suit up!"

The first man snatched the cube out of the second man's hands and dropped it in a light leather bag. The third man tossed him a grey bucket from the bench where it had been sitting. The helmet covered the whole head with a tinted visor in a T shape to allow some vission, his was speacially tailored to allow maximum vision capability. He slid the helmet on over a mane of dark hair and latched it to the rest of his outfit. He was wearing a suit of leather with overlapping canvas covered porcelain slabs. They had raided an old Police Station and picked up some law inforcement material and some other things. what they wore now was a more effective and lighter version of what military and long term law enforcement had worn before it got cold.

He walked out of the room to the sight of a wasteland. Snow blanketed teh landscape for miles. Trees, tall evergreens sprouted from the blanket and rose to the sky in a tangle of twisted towers. The unforgivable environment gazed back at him with a vengence, as if it knew who he was what he was and what the people before him had done to this world. This would be one hell ov'a run. It was ironic, as a child the man had never considered ice to be in abundance on one of the nine planes.

"You ready boy?" the Sarg. said.

"As eady as i ever will be sir"- the seargent just nodded.

"Hey Mike?" the third man addressed the first.

"Yea, the first man, named Mike, replied.

"I think I need an some medicine-"

"What,for that grotesque face that stares back at you in you're face mask Kevin?" Mike inturupted.

The second man let out a bark of laughter and replied, "at least i dont need amy Morphine for your face, that helmet does a good job of keeping things that the sun shouldn't shine on hidden."

Music blared into Mike's ears as he thumbed up the volume on the ipod implanted in his helmet. The second man emerged from the House and the four men started slowly down the hill. Mike walked to the tune of "Highway to Hell" as they descended into Hade's Valley; into Planet Hell.

hey

first of all, this needs some SERIOUS spacing


and second - here's all my corrections


The man rearranged the cubelets --- not a word --- on the old cube and then twisted the faces at a blurring speed until the faces were all the same color --- you have the word "faces" in the same sentence twice, making it sound awkward. Plus, the sentence in itself can be rearranged ---. He turned the cube over a couple of times and stared at a logo reading "Rubik's Cube". He sighed and rearranged the cube once more.

"How do you do that?" another man asked.

"Well, you build one side and the first layer then you build up like a build-" --- doesn't make sense as a sentence.

"Yea --- "Yeah" --- like a building i know, but how do you do it so fast?" he asked as he snatched teh --- "the" --- cube from the first man --- this might be a good time to give the men names, so you don't have to refer to them as the "first man" and the "other man" ---.

"I memorized the algorithms, thats all there is to it." he replied with a half hearted grab at the cube.

"why go through the trouble when you could just do this", as he talked he had turned the top face and popped out one of the small cubes.

"But that'd be cheating", a third man said, "but you can turn you're little cube, me i'll stick to this" he lifted his rifle and shook it a little with a boyish grin on his face, "besides no one thinks thats any cool." --- doesn't make sense. Sounds silly. What is the point of this? Does this go anywhere? ---

"No one thinks youre mom is any cool either", the first man said, "at least she wasn't in bed last week" the man said with a grin. The third man raised a hand but was inturrupted by a stern, commanding voice- --- separate each different man's speaking line ---

"Lets --- "let's --- MOVE!" the harsh voice shattered the men out of their short reprive --- shattered the men out of their short reprieve? shattered the men?! shattered the men? *shakes head sadly* ---. The sargeant --- sergeant --- stood in the doorway, "this ain't a pie eatin' contest; we got ground to cover. Suit up!"

-------

*winces* that's as far as I got, sorry.

PM me if you want me to do the rest.

This story is good so far - I mean, it's not hopeless like some I've read, but it's not as excellent as the other half I've had the fortune of reading.

keep on keeping on!

jai

yea..i failed language arts on acount of grammar and spelling. Thanks, i didnt see any of that. I did notice some of it was awkward but i was in a hurry and figured i'd revise later. I did want to name the charachters earlier, but i had to leave and i wanted to finish so i didn't have to leave it. Thanks for the help. illupdate it again in a while, and explain what actually happened to the world and go a little bit more indepth with the charachters. actually, im gonna rewrite the hole thing, just like tolkein.

ok, heres the new begining to the story, it is not finished and i will undoutably be adding more, but i wabted to see what people thought of what i have now. Enjoy


A logo reading ‘Rubik’s Cube’ stared up at the man named Tristan from a solid white face. He sighed and turned the cube over to a new side. Red this time. He twisted a face then another until the once perfect cube looked like a fallen rainbow. The man looked at the Cube and then twisted one side. As he went he twisted faster until, 30 seconds after it had been scrambled the cube looked as if it had never been touched.

Tristan raised his head and looked out over the barren terrain surrounding the building where his squad had taken rest. He had a square jaw with light stubble poking its way out of his chin. His hair was dark and fell close to his shoulders, completely against military protocol. Striking blue eyes peered out from his face, a face with too many scratches and too few lines; he could not have been over twenty five, yet his face was scarred like a soldier of forty.

He slid his hand into a small bag that leaned up against the bench he was seated on. He pulled out a small case and set it on the snow in front of him. A small array of tools and brushes stood out against the red plastic of the box. Tristan selected a tool and shrugged a small rifle off his shoulder. He began to take the rifle apart piece by piece and clean it.

After ten minutes the rifle was completely disassembled on the snow in front of him. Tristan picked up two pieces and snapped them together. Another piece fit into those two. As he completed his task he let his mind wander. He thought about home. About his small community nestled in the hills. He desperately wanted to be home. He wanted to sit in his chair with his father and drink cocoa, with a fire roaring in the hearth beside them. He wanted to lie in bed and not be afraid of having his throat ripped out by an unseen predator. He wanted safety, something not commonly found in the wild.

A voice startled him out of his reprieve. A man stood at the top of some steps leading down into the tower. He was tall with short blond hair and clear green eyes. A tag was stitched onto his jacket reading ‘Private McCracken’ under the name, ‘Abe’ had been written in black pen.

“What’s up Gavin?” Tristan said to the man.

“The Sergeant wants to see you downstairs”, The man named Gavin replied.

Tristan nodded, picked up his sack and brushed past Gavin down the stares.

A voice drifted past him, “By the way, he’s in a foul mood.”

“Is he ever not?” Tristan muttered sarcastically under his breath.

The Sergeant was a small man with dark skin and short bristly hair, his nose was twisted at an awkward angle, and had probably been broken a fair share of times. When he spoke there was a sharp twang to his words.

“What in Sam’s ‘ell were you doin’ up there son? Drinkin’ a pint of Ale? Maybe some hot crisp Cocoa? And maybe eatin’ a god damned pie while you’re at it?” He said in a deep voice that closely resembled a yell, “Suit up and get moving boy! You’re the Recon. So do some fuckin' reconin’!”

Tristan turned to look at the shelf where they had stored their equipment, Gavin was buckling on what looked like an old military vest on steroids. They had sewn on leather covered Kevlar plates for added protection, and made it full sleeve. A couple of years back a squad had found a box cart headed for a military camp that was stocked full of weapons, ammo, and armor.

Tristan pulled the last strap tight with a grunt. Gavin was standing to his right fully suited up. He was an imposing figure in the armor. He stood nearly six feet tall without the armor, but with it he was 2 inches taller. A helmet with a T shaped visor rested easily in the crook of his arm. Tristan picked up his own helmet and opened the door into the bitter cold.

The wind howled like a banshee, its claws tearing at the two men as they walked through the snow. Blankets of snow fell as they walked, smashing in waves over them, clouding their vision and slowing their pace. As they walked the storm passed and they were able to make their way through the snow more easily.

They paused near a boulder fall that provided at least a little shelter from the elements. Tristan looked at the snow battered Gavin and smiled. So, the uppity Private was getting his first real taste of the field. He looked broken already. His back was hunched as if dragged down by a terrible load.

Tristan felt sorry for the private though and yelled above the wind, "Why don't you head back, I'll continue ahead and scout the terrain. Tell Johnson that there’s nothing out here, not even a hare."

Gavin nodded shortly and walked back into the blizzard. Tristan watched his back fade into the haze; he was taking it pretty well for someone so new to the squad. Tristan turned and looked at the road he would travel. There was a downward slope leading to what looked like a small valley but he could not see well at that distance in this snow. He stood up and walked forward on the road.

He let his mind stray to thoughts of home as he walked, he thought of the cocoa and the heat, the soft hum of the cars traveling from house to house. As his mind wandered he constantly heard the buzz. Was there something special about the cars? Something he should know? Then it got louder. Tristan stopped and dropped into a crouch. A thought ran through his mind, pirates!

They came on speeders, great brutes of things; they had two wheels with spikes welded onto them so that they would dig into the ice and snow, a mutation of the old motorcycles that had been favored by the tough guys around six years ago, before the government screwed up. The government had created a chemical that they hoped once released would condense the water in the atmosphere, making it fall to the drought stricken earth. The chemical did work, it worked so well in fact that the water in the atmosphere froze up, blocking the sun and sending the world into a mini Ice Age. After government collapsed some survived with the help of military and law enforcement, but the rest became pirates. Scum of the earth that lived off the work of others, and in this world, that was the lowest form of life there was.

Tristan slung the rifle off his shoulder and looked into the gloom. He could see the first one speeding down the road towards him and the second trailing behind. He steadied his breathing and looked through the scopes at the first Pirate. As the targeting reticule lined up he squeezed the trigger three times. Blood flew out of the Pirate’s chest and his head slammed back as if it had been hit by a hammer. Tristan moved the rifle to look at the second Pirate with the cool precision of an expert. It’s too close, i'll never be able to make it, he thought and shifted to the side firing a spew of bullets at the approaching figure. They were not meant to kill only to suppress, but the man fell off the bike as if he had slammed into a wall. Tristan shot the Pirate in the head twice without a second glance. A third pirate was advancing out of the snow behind Tristan but he didn’t see it until a shower of shots peppered the ground in front of him. Tristan raised his face to the new opponent and found himself staring at a beat up jeep with a light machine gun welded onto a pivot on the back. Tristan leapt to the side, but a roaring fire in his foot told him he had not been fast enough. He rose smoothly and ran for the high hills to the north. Behind him the ground exploded as rounds tore through the snow.

Fear crept into Tristan’s heart for a second. I may not make this, he thought, I may never make it home…

Then an explosion rent the air behind Tristan and hot air forced its way past the man, shoving him into the ground. The heat washed over him and the snow melted, soaking Tristan. Tristan looked up at the bend wreckage and sighed. Maybe the kid wasn’t too bad after all. Gavin walked out of the hills with a grenade launcher propped easily up against one elbow.

“I saw the lights and figured I should stay and see if you needed any help, looks like I was right.”

I like it, it's definately better than the first draft. Just a couple of things that could be improved.

30 seconds after the cube had been scrambled the cube looked as if it had never been touched.

Write out numbers in full, 'thirty' instead of '30'. Also, you've used 'the cube' twice in one sentence, you can just use 'it' the second time. It's easier to read that way.

a face with to many scratches and too few lines

This should be 'too'.

He wanted to lie in bed and not be afraid of having you’re throat ripped out by an unseen predator.

Write "his" instead of "you're", he's thinking to himself.

“by the way, he’s in a foul mood.”

You should use a capital here.

When he spoke there was a sharp twang to his words.

This might just be me, but twang doesn't seem to fit in there. You could describe his tone as being bitter or nasal or something, but twang just seems out of place. Also, say "voice" rather than "words".

and opened the door into the bitter cold.

This should be "to", not "into".

They were not meant to kill only to suppress,

You need a comma in here, try: "They were not meant to kill, only to suppress,"

A third pirate was advancing out of the snow behind Tristan but he didn’t see it until a shower of shots peppered the ground in front of him.

Same thing here, you need a comma to separate the sentence: "...behind Tristan, but he didn't see..." Also, you're not mant to use "it" to describe people. If you want to leave the gender unknown, use "them" instead. "It" implies a genderless object.

thanks, i did some revising, but i did miss some things. ill make sure to shange those, and for you're last comment in Familly Guy Peter refers to Meg as 'It' i think, im not sure, that meg is a girl.

I believe that in Family Guy, Peter's references to Meg as 'It' would be a joke implying that Meg's gender is uncertain.

Hey!

First of all, the second revision is MUCH MUCH MUCH better than the first! ^^

2) My first critique was a bit harsh - sorry for that ^^"

3) Below are my suggestions! Have at it!

-----------------

A logo reading ‘Rubik’s Cube’ stared up at the man named Tristan -------- from where? Was it on a blue square? A yellow one? ----------. He sighed and turned the cube over to a new side. Red this time. He twisted a face then another until the once perfect cube looked like a fallen rainbow. The man looked -------- you have "looked" twice too close together ------- at the Cube and then twisted one side. As he went he twisted faster until, 30 seconds after the cube had been scrambled the cube ------ "it" would be better than "the cube", as you've already stated what this sentence was about --------- looked as if it had never been touched.

Tristan raised his head and looked out over the barren terrain surrounding the building where his squad had taken rest. He had a square jaw with light stubble poking its way out of the man’s chin -------- ??? Shouldn't be "man's chin", but "his chin" ---------. His hair was dark and fell close to his shoulders, completely against military protocol. Striking blue eyes peered out from his face, a face with to ------- "too"----------- many scratches and too few lines; he could not have been over twenty five, yet his face was scarred like a soldier of forty.

He slid his hand into a small bag that leaned up against the bench he was seated on. He pulled out a small case and set it on the snow in front of him. A small array of tools and brushes stood out against the red plastic of the box. Tristan selected a tool and slung ------ "shrugged"------- a small rifle off his shoulder. He began to take the rifle apart piece by piece and clean it.

After ten minutes the rifle was completely disassembled on the snow in front of him. Tristan picked up two pieces and snapped them together. Another piece fit into those two. As he completed his task he let his mind wander. He thought about home. About his small community nestled in the hills. He desperately wanted to be home. He wanted to sit in his chair with his father and drink cocoa, with a fire roaring in the hearth beside them. He wanted to lie in bed and not be afraid of having you’re ------ "his" you've suddenly changed your point of view ------- throat ripped out by an unseen predator. He wanted safety, something not commonly found in the wild.

A voice startled him out of his reprieve. A man stood at the top of some steps leading down into the tower. He was tall with short blond hair and clear green eyes. A tag was stitched onto his jacket reading ‘Private McCracken’ under the name, ‘Abe’ had been written in sharpie ------ "sharpie"?? For those at home, please explain? ^^ ----------.

“What’s up Gavin?” Tristan said to the man.

“The Sergeant wants to see you downstairs” <------ don't forget fullstops -------The man named Gavin replied.

Tristan nodded, picked up his sack and brushed past Gavin down the stares.

A voice drifted past him, “by the way, he’s in a foul mood.” <-------- Capitals too ^^ -------

“Is he ever not?” Tristan muttered sarcastically under his breath.

The Sergeant was a small man with dark skin and short bristly hair, his nose was twisted at an awkward angle, and had probably been broken its ------ "a" would fit better ------- fair share of times. When he spoke there was a sharp twang to his words.

“What in Sam’s ‘ell were you doin’ up there son? Drinkin’ a pint of Ale? Maybe some Cocoa? And maybe eatin’ a pie while you’re at it?” He said in a deep voice that closely resembled a yell, “Suit up and get moving boy! You’re the Recon. So do some reconin’!” --------- *laughs* Nice! Though I suspect a Sergent would have inserted some cuss words into there too ------------

Tristan turned to look at the shelf where they had stored their equipment, Gavin was buckling on what looked like an old military vest on steroids. They had sewn on leather covered Kevlar plates for added protection, and made it full sleeve. A couplee ------ "couple of" --------- years back a squad had found a box cart headed for a military camp that was stocked full of weapons ------ , -------- ammo, and armor.

Tristan pulled the last strap tight with a grunt. Gavin was standing to his right fully suited up. He was an imposing figure in the armor. He stood nearly six feet tall without the armor, but with it he was 2 inches over ------- "taller" --------. A helmet with a T shaped visor rested easily in the crook of his arm. Tristan picked up his own helmet and opened the door into the bitter cold.

The wind howled like a banshee, its claws tearing at the two men as they walked through the snow. Blankets of snow fell as they walked, smashing in waves over them, clouding their vision and slowing their pace. As they walked the storm passed and they were able to make their way through the snow more easily.

They paused near a boulder fall that provided at least a little shelter from the elements. Tristan looked at the snow battered Gavin and smiled. So, the uppity Private was getting his first real taste of the field. He looked broken already. His back was hunched as if dragged down by a terrible load.

Tristan felt sorry for the private though and yelled above the wind, "Why don't you head back, I'll continue ahead and scout the terrain. Tell Johnson that there’s nothing out here, not even a hare."

Gavin nodded shortly and walked back into the blizzard. Tristan watched his back fade into the haze; he was taking it pretty well for someone so new to the squad. Tristan turned and looked at the road he would travel. There was a downward slope leading to what looked like a small valley but, -------- comma unneeded -------- he could not see well at that distance in this snow. He stood up and walked forward on the road.

He let his mind stray to thoughts of home as he walked, he thought of the cocoa and the heat, the soft hum of the cars traveling from house to house. As his mind wandered he constantly heard the buzz. Was there something special about the cars? Something he should know? Then it got louder. Tristan stopped and dropped into a crouch. A thought ran through his mind, pirates!

They came on speeders, great brutes of things; they had two wheels with spikes welded onto them so that they would dig into the ice and snow, a mutation of the old motorcycles that had been favored by the tough guys around six years ago, before the government screwed up ----------- Loving this so far! Absolutely great story! ---------. The government had created a chemical that they hoped once released would condense the water in the atmosphere, making it fall to the drought stricken earth. The chemical did work, it worked so well in fact that the water in the atmosphere froze up, blocking the sun and sending the world into a mini Ice Age. After government collapsed some survived with the help of military and law enforcement, but the rest became pirates. Scum of the earth that lived off the work of others, and in this world, that was the lowest form of life there was.

Tristan slung the rifle off his shoulder and looked into the gloom. He could see the first one speeding down the road towards him and the second trailing behind <<<just a little>>> <---- that isn't really needed ------. He steadied his breathing and looked through the scopes at the first Pirate. As the targeting reticule lined up he squeezed the trigger three times. Blood flew out of the Pirate’s chest and his head slammed back as if it had been hit by a hammer. Tristan moved the rifle to look at the second Pirate with the cool precision of an expert. It’s too close, ill ---- "I'll"------ never be able to make it, he thought and shifted to the side firing a spew of bullets at the approaching figure. They were not meant to kill only to suppress, but the man fell off the bike as if he had slammed into a wall. Tristan shot the Pirate in the head twice without a second glance. A third pirate was advancing out of the snow behind Tristan but he didn’t see it until a shower of shots peppered the ground in front of him. Tristan raised his face to the new opponent and found himself staring at a beat up jeep with a light machine gun welded onto a pivot on the back. Tristan leapt to the side, but a roaring fire in his foot told him he had not been fast enough. He rose smoothly and ran for the high hills to the north. Behind him the ground exploded as rounds tore through the snow. ------- This is a great action scene! ------

Fear crept into Tristan’s heart for a second. I may not make this, he thought, I may never make it home…

Then an explosion rent the air behind Tristan and hot air forced its way passed ----- "past"----- the man, forcing him <<<to fall>>> <--- not really needed, we assume he'd fall into the snow, he wouldn't float, or bellyflop into it --------- into the snow like a child. The heat washed over him and the snow melted, soaking Tristan. Tristan looked up at the bend wreckage and sighed. Maybe the kid wasn’t too bad after all. Gavin walked out of the hills with a grenade launcher propped easily up against one elbow.

“I saw the lights and figured I should stay and see if you needed any help, looks like I was right.”

-------------------------

1) Great start to the story!!!!

2) Hardly any mistakes or errors in this one! It's like a totally different person wrote the first draft and then the second.

3) There should seriously be more to this - whens the next installment coming???

Hope I helped!

- jai -

I dont know what happened in the first one, but i was in a petter mood when i wrote the second one... the next one should be up soon, but ive been really busy with school... thanks for all the feedback i really apreceate it.

ok, heres the link to the second part
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post287540.html#287540

i like the style ofthe story, with the links toglobal warming. I dont know why, it reminded me of 30 days of night the way they salvage things from police statons ^.^
The story is really good, bit hard to folow as the mens names are only shown at the end, but i like it =]

The story is really good, bit hard to folow as the mens names are only shown at the end

I think you might be talking about the first draft, the second one gives the names earlier.

Green = Comment
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

A logo reading ‘Rubik’s Cube’ stared up at the man named Tristan from a solid white face.

I had to read this a couple of times to understand that the ‘white face’ wasn’t Tristan’s. I don’t think it was a good idea to give his name right away as it seems someone else was watching him and we were reading through this unknown person. You could have something like: A logo reading ‘Rubik’s Cube’, against a plain white face, stared up at him.

He twisted a face then another until the once perfect cube looked like a fallen rainbow.

Was the Rubik’s Cube complete when he’d started? It seems like it from the beginning, so I think you should have him turning it a couple of more times before describing it as ‘a fallen rainbow’.

He thought about home. About his small community nestled in the hills. He desperately wanted to be home.

Sometimes it’s better to combine short sentences, here Tristan think about home, the place he’d like to be so you could change the three sentences into one. An example might be: He though about home, where he [desperately] wanted to be, a small community nestled in the hills.

He wanted to sit in his chair with his father and drink cocoa, with a fire roaring in the hearth beside them. He wanted to lie in bed and not be afraid of having his throat ripped out by an unseen predator. He wanted safety, something not commonly found in the wild.

A voice startled him out of his reprieve. A man stood at the top of some steps leading down into the tower. He was tall with short blond hair and clear green eyes. A tag was stitched onto his jacket reading ‘Private McCracken’ under the name, ‘Abe’ had been written in black pen.

The only problem I see with these two paragraphs is the repetition of their beginnings: He and A. Try rewriting them so you’re not too repetitive or even combine two sentences or the whole paragraph if possible—I don’t strongly recommend this as it really depends on your writing. For example: He wanted to lie in bed, where it was safe, away from the wild and not be afraid of having his throat slit by unseen predators.

“The Sergeant wants to see you downstairs”, [s]The man named[/s] Gavin replied.

This is something you should avoid. There doesn’t seem to be anyone else about so obviously Gavin would be the one answering =]

Tristan nodded, picked up his sack and brushed past Gavin down the stares.

stares = stairs?

Tristan looked at the snow battered Gavin and smiled. So, the uppity Private was getting his first real taste of the field.

[…]

Gavin nodded shortly and walked back into the blizzard. Tristan watched his back fade into the haze; he was taking it pretty well for someone so new to the squad.

Since Gavin is a little uppity, or maybe that’s just Tristan’s opinion of him, perhaps he would keep his pride and refuse at first and then take his leave?

He let his mind stray to thoughts of home again as he walked, he thought of the cocoa and the heat, the soft hum of the cars traveling from house to house.

^^^ See quote, I only suggested it because he thought about home before.

They came on speeders, great brutes of things; they had two wheels with spikes welded onto them so that they would dig into the ice and snow, a mutation of the old motorcycles that had been favored by the tough guys around six years ago, before the government screwed up. The government had created a chemical that they hoped once released would condense the water in the atmosphere, making it fall to the drought stricken earth. The chemical did work, it worked so well in fact that the water in the atmosphere froze up, blocking the sun and sending the world into a mini Ice Age. After government collapsed some survived with the help of military and law enforcement, but the rest became pirates. Scum of the earth that lived off the work of others, and in this world, that was the lowest form of life there was.

This is a lot to take in and you rushed through it so quickly it wasn’t very impressive. Take your time or wait for an appropriate moment to give the reader these details.

Blood flew out of the Pirate’s chest and his head slammed back as if it had been hit by a hammer.

‘flew’ doesn’t really describe the blood so well, this is from bullets so it would: splatter

It’s too close, i'll never be able to make it, he thought and shifted to the side firing a spew of bullets at the approaching figure.

i’ll = I’ll

*

Hello!

It’s a good beginning but there are certain things you could think about: Tristan’s introduction, why does the Rubik’s Cube suddenly disappear? His appearance isn’t so important; you could wait a while before telling the reader what he looks like—give us a chance to imagine for ourselves.

Your sentence structures are quite similar in length, try cutting them down or have a few that are really long to get similar things into one clean sentence.

Myth