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Legacy Chapter Seven



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Tue Aug 23, 2011 1:36 am
artemis15sc says...



My calm was lost. I wanted to scream, to run. I struggled, but the hands that held me we’re too strong. We marched forward.

I could feel soft, uneven ground beneath my feet, could hear the crunching of pine needles, and smell the fresh morning air. I could feel the sunlight warming my chilled skin. I lifted my chin up slightly, relishing the feel of sun on my face. Despite my fear, I felt my body relax, reveling in the wonders of nature I had grown to love so much. I hid from the despairing notions that told me this was the last time I would ever feel it.

I heard what sounded like a body scanner, and the swish of a door opening.

We were moving again.

Inside it was dark and cold. I heard the swish of the door closing, and a dark shadow fell over me. The final click was barely audible, but to me it was as loud as prison doors slamming, sealing me inside forever.

Inside it was dark and musty, we we’re underground. There was silence as they navigated the long dark, hallways. I tried to remember the path we took, but there were too many twists and turns. I’d never find my way out again.

Our path was short, but its course seamed long. I imagine this is what it would feel like to walk up to the gallows, or guillotine, your final stretch of life. It felt as though time we’re going backwards, yet still creeping forward way to fast and before you knew it…

We had reached the end. I heard footsteps, someone had stopped in front of us.

“Oh my God, it’s you.” A girl’s voice said, she sounded relieved, then angry.

“Wear have you been we’ve been looking all over for you, are you…?’ She trailed off, and then asked.

“Who’s she?” I think I had a pretty god idea who “she” was.

“Oh my God!” She said again, only a lot more fervently, and with traces of fear. “What did you do?”

Some one started to explain, but the leader interrupted.

“We need to talk to Jason”

Jason. If I had been scared before, it was nothing to how I felt now. I needed to escape. While moving as little as possible I tried to gather as many details as I could about the man who held me. How large his hands were, how they were places on my wrist, how far away his body was from my own...

“We’ll duh.” she girl responded. “And I should warn you, he’s spitting mad about your little disappearing act.”

“All will be explained in time.” Leader replied. She snorted doubtfully

And we we’re moving again.

I couldn’t do it; I wasn’t going to walk calmly toward my death, not anymore. I shoved myslef backward with all my strength, collding solidly with the person behind, but he wasn't enough. he snarled and pushed me forward roughly. I fell.

“Rowan!” The girl’s Admonished indignantly. I felt more hands, but this time they were gentle as they helped me to my feet.

“There you go,” she said kindly. She slipped off my blindfold. “now you can see.”

The first thing I saw was her face, which was staring at mine in shock.

“Oh…My…God” Only this time I knew she meant it. “Darcy Jefferson? The Darcy Jefferson?” Her brown eyes were as large as walnuts, which rather odd on her small, freckly face. her short chestnut brown hair was cut just below her chin. She had the look of someone who could be sweet but could get feisty very quickly.

“Umm...yes?” I answered confused, but she wasn’t asking me, she was asking Leader.

‘Why do you have Darcy Jefferson? did you…?” she looked at me again, this time horrorstruck.

“Did you…Kidnap her?”

“I told you,” leader said again, only now his voice sounded faintly weaker.“all in good time.”

She just stared at him. “I can’t wait” she said slowly. “To see you try to explain this one” she whirled around and stormed away from them; but not before grabbing my hand and pulling me along with her.

“Come on Darcy,” she said “no need to hang out with these losers”

I saw the others exchange somewhat amused, and wary glances before following her.

I was a so put off by her treatment I forgot what I was doing, momentarily. By the time I remembered I was suppose to be escaping it was too late. We had arrived at a door.

“Jayden” she called. “Jayden its Eve, open up.” I wondered if the doors reacted to her the same way everyone else did, because they opened without hesitation.

Okay I’ll admit it. I pictured their base as some sort of liar. With tortured bodies lying in the corner, surrounded by weapons and gigantic hairy men sharpening their teeth with human skulls…

I know, totally ridiculous. However, even if I knew, deep down, that it wouldn’t look like a monster’s cave; what I saw wasn’t what I expected either. Though looking back on it, I really shouldn’t have been all that surprised.

It looked almost exactly like the few security headquarters I’d seen with my dad over the years. At the front of the room was a large screen, which was scanning something. Around the screen were several smaller personal screens, which were displaying similar information and manned by people with ear pods. In the corner was a collection of screens that have been security detail, as they all showed scenes of rooms and hallways similar to the one I’d just seen, as well images of the forest, which must have been the areas surrounding the compound. Lining the entire room were maps and blueprints detailing various places and objects. In comparison with the grimy cave-like walls outside it, it gave off a science of efficiency and order, exactly like the military bases. I found that extremely disturbin, that something so beneficial, could be connected to something so well, vile.

There were several people, besides those at the computer, who were also present. They seamed deep in conversation, but one, a man with red hair; looked up at our arrival.

I stared. All the rebels I had met so far had been young and full of restless energy. He was different. He didn’t look much older than the Hispanic, but there was something in his eyes that made him look ancient and battle worn, and sad. His eyes had that deep sadness of someone who had been through, or seen, too much suffering than they were ready to handle. I felt my heart clench, and I had to looked away.

“Eric,” Eve said, though she didn’t sound so demanding. He voice carried a powerful tone of deep respect. “look who I found.”

He studied each of their faces carefully. I noticed a few of them shift nervously under the power of his gaze. They seamed ashamed.

Then his eyes found me. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. I found myself absorbed in his gaze. I thought I would be afraid, but I wasn’t. I felt, uneasy, like a child who was caught doing something they shouldn’t. It's was weirder though, all my panic and fear seamed to melt away. Something about those eyes, that gazed, relaxed me. I almost didn’t want him to look away. But he did, the moment passed; I felt the tenseness returning to my shoulders, my neck, and my face.

“Eric, Where’s Jason?” Eve asked. “We need to speak with him.”



“I’m right here” A voice by the computer said quietly.

A few of the people around me jumped, and everyone turned to a man who was standing next to the screen, staring at it intently. He was standing so still, he must have faded into the background, invisible. But now he had the undivided attention of every one in the room.

He turned. And I found myself face to face with the man from my nightmares.


Note: so I had up to this point written a couple months ago, where I had a little snag. I've made progress but I've still got a lot to do so it might be a while before I get another chapter posted.
Check out my newly published YA fantasy novel here!

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/SaraETall
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 7:07 am
Griffinkeeper says...



“Wear have you been we’ve been looking all over for you, are you…?’ She trailed off, and then asked.


Should be "Where."

“Who’s she?” I think I had a pretty god idea who “she” was.


Should be "good."

The chapter has good structure. A prisoner is taken inside a prison and reunited with old acquaintances. The story could use a lot more description though.

For instance, I just jumped into chapter seven. It took me a fair amount of time to realize that the character was a prisoner and she was under guard. Approach the beginning of a new chapter as you would approach a program that is just coming back from commercial break. You show all the characters and describe their situation briefly, hopefully while describing what is going on. By doing this, you help reinforce the narrative, before adding more to it.
Moderator Emeritus (frozen in carbonite.)
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 11:14 am
BlondieMissyAngel says...



My calm was lost. I wanted to scream, to run. I struggled, but the hands that held me we’re too strong. We marched forward.

I could feel soft, uneven ground beneath my feet, could hear the crunching of pine needles, and smell the fresh morning air. I could feel the sunlight warming my chilled skin. I lifted my chin up slightly, relishing the feel of sun on my face. Despite my fear, I felt my body relax, reveling in the wonders of nature I had grown to love so much. I hid from the despairing notions that told me this was the last time I would ever feel it.

I heard what sounded like a body scanner, and the swish of a door opening.

We were moving again.moving again? They never stopped...

Inside it was dark and cold. I heard the swish of the door closing, and a dark shadow fell over me. The final click was barely audible, but to me it was as loud as prison doors slamming, sealing me inside forever.

Inside it was dark and musty, we we’re underground. There was silence as they navigated the long dark, hallways. I tried to remember the path we took, but there were too many twists and turns. I’d never find my way out again.

Our path was short, but its course seamed long. I imagine this is what it would feel like to walk up to the gallows, or guillotine, your final stretch of life. It felt as though time we’re going backwards, yet still creeping forward way to fast and before you knew it…

We had reached the end. I heard footsteps, someone had stopped in front of us.

“Oh my God, it’s you.” A girl’s voice said, she sounded relieved, then angry.

Where have you been, we’ve been looking all over for you, are you…?’ She trailed off, and then asked.

“Who’s she?” I think I had a pretty god idea who “she” was.

“Oh my God!” She said again, only a lot more fervently, and with traces of fear. “What did you do?”

Someone started to explain, but the leader interrupted.

“We need to talk to Jason”

Jason. If I had been scared before, it was nothing to how I felt now. I needed to escape. While moving as little as possible I tried to gather as many details as I could about the man who held me. How large his hands were, how they were places on my wrist, how far away his body was from my own...

“We’ll duh.” the girl responded. “ I should warn you, he’s spitting mad about your little disappearing act.”

“All will be explained in time.” Leader replied. She snorted doubtfully

And we we’re moving again.

I couldn’t do it; I wasn’t going to walk calmly toward my death, not anymore. I shoved myslef backward with all my strength, collding solidly with the person behind, but he wasn't enough. he snarled and pushed me forward roughly. I fell.

“Rowan!” The girl’s admonished what? indignantly. I felt more hands, but this time they were gentle as they helped me to my feet.

“There you go,” she said kindly. She slipped off my blindfold. “now you can see.”

The first thing I saw was her face, which was staring at mine in shock.

“Oh…My…God” Only this time I knew she meant it. “Darcy Jefferson? The Darcy Jefferson?” Her brown eyes were as large as walnuts, which rather odd on her small, freckly face. her short chestnut brown hair was cut just below her chin. She had the look of someone who could be sweet but could get feisty very quickly.

“Umm...yes?” I answered confused, but she wasn’t asking me, she was asking Leader.

‘Why do you have Darcy Jefferson? did you…?” she looked at me again, this time horrorstruck.

“Did you…Kidnap her?”

“I told you,” leader said again, only now his voice sounded faintly weaker.“all in good time.”

She just stared at him. “I can’t wait” she said slowly. “To see you try to explain this one” she whirled around and stormed away from them; but not before grabbing my hand and pulling me along with her.

“Come on Darcy,” she said “no need to hang out with these losers”

I saw the others exchange somewhat amused, and wary glances before following her.

I was a so put off by her treatment I forgot what I was doing, momentarily. By the time I remembered I was suppose to be escaping it was too late. We had arrived at a door.

“Jayden” she called. “Jayden its Eve, open up.” I wondered if the doors reacted to her the same way everyone else did, because they opened without hesitation.

Okay I’ll admit it. I pictured their base as some sort of liar. With tortured bodies lying in the corner, surrounded by weapons and gigantic hairy men sharpening their teeth with human skulls…

I know, totally ridiculous. However, even if I knew, deep down, that it wouldn’t look like a monster’s cave; what I saw wasn’t what I expected either. Though looking back on it, I really shouldn’t have been all that surprised.

It looked almost exactly like the few security headquarters I’d seen with my dad over the years. At the front of the room was a large screen, which was scanning something. Around the screen were several smaller personal screens, which were displaying similar information and manned by people with ear pods. In the corner was a collection of screens that have been security detail, as they all showed scenes of rooms and hallways similar to the one I’d just seen, as well images of the forest, which must have been the areas surrounding the compound. Lining the entire room were maps and blueprints detailing various places and objects. In comparison with the grimy cave-like walls outside it, it gave off a science of efficiency and order, exactly like the military bases. I found that extremely disturbin, that something so beneficial, could be connected to something so well, vile.

There were several people, besides those at the computer, who were also present. They seamed deep in conversation, but one, a man with red hair; looked up at our arrival.

I stared. All the rebels I had met so far had been young and full of restless energy. He was different. He didn’t look much older than the Hispanic, but there was something in his eyes that made him look ancient and battle worn, and sad. His eyes had that deep sadness of someone who had been through, or seen, too much suffering than they were ready to handle. I felt my heart clench, and I had to looked away.

“Eric,” Eve said, though she didn’t sound so demanding. He voice carried a powerful tone of deep respect. “look who I found.”

He studied each of their faces carefully. I noticed a few of them shift nervously under the power of his gaze. They seamed ashamed.

Then his eyes found me. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. I found myself absorbed in his gaze. I thought I would be afraid, but I wasn’t. I felt, uneasy, like a child who was caught doing something they shouldn’t. It's was weirder though, all my panic and fear seamed to melt away. Something about those eyes, that gazed, relaxed me. I almost didn’t want him to look away. But he did, the moment passed; I felt the tenseness returning to my shoulders, my neck, and my face.

“Eric, Where’s Jason?” Eve asked. “We need to speak with him.”



“I’m right here” A voice by the computer said quietly.

A few of the people around me jumped, and everyone turned to a man who was standing next to the screen, staring at it intently. He was standing so still, he must have faded into the background, invisible. But now he had the undivided attention of every one in the room.

He turned. And I found myself face to face with the man from my nightmares.


You did such a lovely job writing this! I can't wait to read more!
Blondie Missy Angel
Going down a rabbit hole, get away from all we know!
  








Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.
— David Foster Wallace