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Young Writers Society


Part of Chapter One



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Fri Aug 12, 2011 4:38 am
hockeyfan87 says...



Still not all of chapter one, but I figure since it will probably be a lengthy chapter I should post bit by bit. Thanks!

It was the summer day everyone loved: the warm sun beating on your face, your feet dangling into the harbor of the local boat marina. I sat beside my best friend, Alana, and my boyfriend of eight months, Austin. Tomorrow was the first day of our sophomore year at our school, Saint Lebanon United, the local private school. Most of the kids in our town, Lebanon Grove, Maine, went to Saint Lebanon United. It was an upper-class township in which every kid had an iPhone or Droid, where every kid got money for just passing each class. Saint Lebanon United was known for its grades, yet a lot of kids I know are just in SLU because their parents had added enough zeros to the check each month.

“I can’t believe summer is almost over, it seems like just yesterday school got out,” I said, as I dipped my bare feet in the harbor.

“I can’t believe I won’t be going to school with you both this year, it’ll feel so weird going to public school,” Alana said. Her father had lost his job right after school ended, he just got one but he had already dropped her out of SLU and signed her up at public school in case he hadn’t been able to get a job again. She would be going to SLU again next year.
“Just don’t fall in love with those annoying public school boys,” Austin joked, as he entwined our two hands together. The three of us had been best friends for as long as I can remember. Austin and I started dating eight months ago. I don’t really know how it happened, but we were just sitting on the bench waiting for Alana’s shift at work to end and he leaned in to kiss me. It was magical, everything I had ever dreamed my first kiss would be. After that we just tried to pretend it hadn’t happened but then at homecoming he asked me to go with him and we just kind of made it official then.

“Like I could, that would mean getting over Luke, which I am pretty sure will never ever happen,” Alana has this major crush on Luke Billip ever since we were in third grade, honestly I think she could do better so I don’t know why she doesn’t tell him. Not that many girls like him so he would be lucky to have a girl as pretty as her. Alana is one of those girls who thinks they are super ugly and constantly puts themselves down; when in reality I have always been jealous of Alana’s looks. Her wavy, blond hair and bright blue eyes could make any girl jealous. She was also one of those girls who could eat whatever they wanted and not gain a pound, which is why she consistently weighed 115 pounds with her 5’4 frame. Me? I had the most annoying brown hair with some weird colored green eyes and a 5’5 130 frame.

“Alana, I know you have liked him forever but maybe it is time to move on, or tell him how you feel. He could feel the same way,” I said.

“Can we just change the topic? Please,” Alana said, looking down at her phone, “Holy poop, its three o’clock, I have

to be at work in ten minutes, I’ll catch up with you later.”

“Now that we are alone,” Austin said, leaning in for a kiss. I still hadn’t got used to the feelings I got whenever he
kissed me. He could make me smile just by kissing me.

“Austin,” I said, pulling away from the kiss, “My mom said that since her and my step-father won’t be home for dinner you can come over and keep me company, that way I don’t have to deal with baby Aliya alone, please?”

“Well if you say it like that, Sofia, I would be honored to. I don’t have to cook though do I?”

“Like I would put anything you cooked in my mouth,” I said, leaning in for another kiss.

“Am I picking you up for school tomorrow? You know, now that I am a legal driver,” Austin said, grinning. Austin was
a year older than Alana and I. He had one of those weird birthdays that made him seventeen when the rest of us were just
turning sixteen yet he was allowed to be in our grade.

“I don’t know if I trust you, I mean after all you just passed the test a few days ago. What if you crash and I die?” I said, half jokingly have serious. I had seen him drive golf carts before; I honestly had no clue how he passed his driving test.

“God wouldn’t let you die you are too pretty,” he said in a sarcastic but serious tone.

“Ok, wise butt, I’ll drive with you, but I swear if you even go five miles over the speed limit I am never driving with you again!”

“How will we ever go on our romantic dates?”

“Babe, McDonalds isn’t a romantic date,” I said, jokingly.

“Aww man, then I guess I will have to cancel tomorrow night’s reservations there. I got the table closest to the bathroom!”

“Ha-ha! You are just so funny! Why am I dating you again?”

“Because you know that I love you more than anything else in the world, well besides McDonalds and my dog and that
sewer beside my house oh, and the,”

“Enough,” I said, cutting him off, “I get it. You love me, I love you. Blah blah blah, we should be heading to my
house soon, babysitting time!”

“Home alone in your big house. This may get intense, you know what I’m thinking? Pillow fights!” Austin said,
giving me a quick kiss on the forehead and helping me get up so we can head back to my house.

My house was only a few blocks so we could walk easily to it from the harbor. After about two steps of walking Austin entwined our two hands.

“So, will your Mom and John be there when we get there?” Austin asked curiously. My parents had always been a fan of him, ever since we were kids. They were so overjoyed when I started dating him that they invited him over for dinner often and for family bonding. When my parents got divorced five years ago, Alana and Austin were the only people who I could talk to about it. Then when my mom got remarried to John, Austin was the one I could talk to. Alana had been on vacation and I didn’t want to bother her. That was the summer Austin and I got extremely close. We have only gotten closer since.

“John probably will be, I don’t know about my mom,” I answered. When my parents got divorced I lost touch with my dad, we still call and he sends me presents and money but it isn’t like it used to be. He and I were extremely close. Then it all went away. John has been a great step dad. He doesn’t act like he is my dad, he is just like a friend to me, “I can’t believe Aliya is going to be two in a few weeks. I remember the day she was born. Remember I called you and you and Alana saw her before my grandparents did, they kinda hated you for a while for that.”

“They hated me?” he said, sounding kinda hurt.

“In a love hate way, now they love you. Trust me, grandma is always like ‘That boyfriend of yours is a keeper don’t
do anything to ruin it, savor him,’” I said, rolling my eyes. My grandma never let me forget how much she loved Austin;
sometimes I think she likes him more than me.

“Well she is right, I mean you should savor me, I am pretty amazing,” Austin joked. That was one of the things I
loved about our relationship. We could joke and be ourselves around each other and not worry. He has seen me in
pajamas and a t-shirt with no make-up and still thinks of me the same as when I am all dressed up. That was one of the
things I loved about him the most.

“Ha ha, but for the record I do realize how amazing you are. That is why I kept you around for this long, otherwise
you would’ve been gone like the other jerks I dated.”

As we turned onto my street I saw John getting the car ready.

“John!” I yelled, as I ran towards the house sensing he was in a rush.

“Sofia! I am so glad you are here, your mother said she got there quicker than expected and is already there, are
you sure you are ok watching Aliya?”

“I am fine with her. Plus, I have Austin to help me if I need help and I have both your numbers, enjoy the night out,” I said, as I gave John a hug goodbye.

“Oh, I didn’t even see you Austin, nice to see you, well I left money on the counter for dinner if you want to order
instead of making. We should be home before midnight,” then he leaned in to whisper to me, “don’t tell your mother, she wants Austin out by nine, but he can stay until ten or ten thirty. Just don’t make me regret letting you do this. If you get pregnant I will kill you both.”

“Thanks, and I won’t be. You should hurry, you don’t want mom to get mad, have fun!” I said as John shut the door to his car and pulled away.

“What did he whisper to you?” Austin asked me curiously, as I opened the front door and locked it as soon as we entered. We had moved to this house after my mom married John, I still was breath taken by the foyer. It was the most beautiful foyer I had ever seen, the light brown with darker trim highlighted it well.

“That my mom wanted you gone at nine but you can stay until ten or ten thirty, I just can’t end up pregnant,” I said, leading the way up to Aliyas room. The nursery was one of the brightest rooms in the house, after mine. The bright yellow walls made it impossible to feel upset in that room. I went to check on Aliya, only to find she was sleeping, “She is asleep,”

“Should we order dinner or,” Austin said, exiting the nursery.

“It is only four right now, we can just hang in my room for a little,” I said. Most girls associated their room and boyfriends with sex, but Austin and I were different.
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn
  





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Fri Aug 12, 2011 5:40 am
pettybage says...



Right, that was a fine start of a story, the prose is really OK, no major problems. Paragraphs seem to have fallen apart though. Anyhow, the two major things are a certain lack of descriptions and a lack of even a hint of conflict – which should have appeared by now. More detailed feedback follows below. But all in all – a fine effort. Try to write the whole story, just to practice storyline construction, if for no other reason. Or introduce ninja vampires!!!! Haha

“I can’t believe summer is almost over, it seems like just yesterday school got out,” I said, as I dipped my bare feet in the harbor. – You’ve already introduced the situation by having them sit there feet dangling. Also ‘in the harbor’ is sliiightly clumsy. ‘In the water’ would be better. But since they are already (at least in the reader’s mind) in the water, maybe have her lift a foot and look at droplets slide off or something, while she speaks.

“It was magical, everything I had ever dreamed my first kiss would be.” – a word or two of detail? Not necessarily the physical movements and sensations, but maybe how her body reacted with shakes or fever, or how her mind dimmed for a few seconds.

The jump between Alana saying she has to go and her not being there anymore is too abrupt. Insert sentence of her going, them saying ‘bye’, maybe use the chance to insert a few more words of environment descriptions – people walking by, car driving by, boat, floating by, wind ruffling hair, etc. Short bursts of environment descriptions help the reader maintain the dimensions of the scene in his/her mind

I said, jokingly. – the ‘jokingly’ is flat, you can show the ‘jokingly’ without actually calling it this, but having her smile, or stick her tongue out, or convey it in some way. That’s an example of the dreaded ‘show don’t tell’

Also, remember to break up dialogue with small descriptions. A rule of thumb for starters could be “one line of description of something for every three lines of dialogue” Like he cracked his knuckles, I smoothed my dress, a piece of paper shuffled over the pavement, anything.

Hand entiwining is repetitive.

Slightly too ‘best friends we all were’, ‘my parents loved him’ atmosphere. Hints of conflict should be dripping into the narrative by now.

“They hated me?” he said, sounding kinda hurt. – did he really sound kinda hurt, or was he playing a humorous theater for her? Be exact. Was he maybe ‘trying to sound kinda hurt’?

She runs to John and the conversation starts abruptly. Introduce the scene by a descriptive sentence of either the car, or John, or John in the car

Austin asked me curiously – maybe ‘off-handedly?’ or something? He’s a little growing dude, he has to hide some things and pretend he’s cool

Describe her sleeping kid sister if you have the main character check up on her.
  





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Fri Aug 19, 2011 1:46 am
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)

I'll begin with nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression on your story.
Saint Lebanon United was known for its grades, yet a lot of kids I know were just in SLU because their parents had added enough zeros to the check each month.

You use Saint Lebanon United a lot. Maybe try to change it up to our school, or maybe even use the good old there. Also, I know normally it doesn't matter if you have some verb tense not the same, depending on what you are talking about, but I still think it'd be better if they were all in past tense.
“I can’t believe I won’t be going to school with both of you this year, it’ll feel so weird going to public school,” Alana said.

It sounds better like that.
After that comma, we just tried to pretend it hadn’t happened but then at homecoming he asked me to go with him and we just kind of made it official then.

“Like I could, that would mean getting over Luke, which I am pretty sure will never ever happen,” Alana had this major crush on Luke Billip ever since we were in third grade, honestly I thought she could do better so I didn't know why she didn't tell him. Not that many girls liked him so he would be lucky to have a girl as pretty as her. Alana was one of those girls who thought they were super ugly and constantly put themselves down; when in reality I had always been jealous of Alana’s looks. Her wavy, blond hair and bright blue eyes could make any girl jealous. She was also one of those girls who could eat whatever they wanted and not gain a pound, which is why she consistently weighed 115 pounds with her 5’4 frame. Me? I had the most annoying brown hair with some weird colored green eyes and a 5’5 130 frame.

“Can we just change the topic? Please,” Alana said, looking down at her phone, “Holy poop, its three o’clock, I have

to be at work in ten minutes, I’ll catch up with you later.”

Indicate that she is leaving, walking away or whatever. Right now, it's weird, and it feels like it jumps from one part to another because we don't know she is really gone.
He had one of those weird birthdays that made him seventeen when the rest of us were just
turning sixteen yet he was allowed to be in our grade.

how can a birthday be weird? This is weird. Give us a good reason for this. Maybe he was enrolled late in school. Maybe he failed a year. Maybe he was away for too long, for some reason and had to come back, only a year under. Whatever it is, please don't just say some weird reason. We need details that make sense. :)
“God wouldn’t let you die comma, you are too pretty,” he said in a sarcastic but serious tone.

After about two steps of walking comma, Austin entwined our two hands.

John has been a great step dad. He didn't act like he was my dad, he was just like a friend to me,

My grandma never let me forget how much she loved Austin; sometimes I thought she liked him more than me.


Proof read your stuff before posting it. And make sure your verb tense are all the same. :)
Plot wise, it was okay. It's the first chapter, so I can't say much... Hopefully, I will when I read the next chapter. ;)

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466
  








Generally speaking, a howling wilderness does not howl: it is the imagination of the traveler that does the howling.
— Henry David Thoreau