Young Writers Society

this is all of chapter one


It was the summer day everyone loved: the warm sun beating on your face, your feet dangling into the harbor of the local boat marina. I sat beside my best friend, Alana, and my boyfriend of eight months, Austin. Tomorrow was the first day of our sophomore year at our school, Saint Lebanon United, the local private school. Most of the kids in our town, Lebanon Grove, Maine, went to Saint Lebanon United. It was an upper-class township in which every kid had an iPhone or Droid, where every kid got money for just passing each class. Saint Lebanon United was known for its grades, yet a lot of kids I know are just in SLU because their parents had added enough zeros to the check each month.

“I can’t believe summer is almost over, it seems like just yesterday school got out,” I said, as I dipped my bare feet in the harbor.

“I can’t believe I won’t be going to school with you both this year, it’ll feel so weird going to public school,” Alana said. Her father had lost his job right after school ended, he just got one but he had already dropped her out of SLU and signed her up at public school in case he hadn’t been able to get a job again. She would be going to SLU again next year.

“Just don’t fall in love with those annoying public school boys,” Austin joked, as he entwined our two hands together. The three of us had been best friends for as long as I can remember. Austin and I started dating eight months ago. I don’t really know how it happened, but we were just sitting on the bench waiting for Alana’s shift at work to end and he leaned in to kiss me. It was magical, everything I had ever dreamed my first kiss would be. After that we just tried to pretend it hadn’t happened but then at homecoming he asked me to go with him and we just kind of made it official then.

“Like I could, that would mean getting over Luke, which I am pretty sure will never ever happen,” Alana has this major crush on Luke Billip ever since we were in third grade, honestly I think she could do better so I don’t know why she doesn’t tell him. Not that many girls like him so he would be lucky to have a girl as pretty as her. Alana is one of those girls who thinks they are super ugly and constantly puts themselves down; when in reality I have always been jealous of Alana’s looks. Her wavy, blond hair and bright blue eyes could make any girl jealous. She was also one of those girls who could eat whatever they wanted and not gain a pound, which is why she consistently weighed 115 pounds with her 5’4 frame. Me? I had the most annoying brown hair with some weird colored green eyes and a 5’5 130 frame.

“Alana, I know you have liked him forever but maybe it is time to move on, or tell him how you feel. He could feel the same way,” I said.

“Can we just change the topic? Please,” Alana said, looking down at her phone, “Holy poop, its three o’clock, I have to be at work in ten minutes, I’ll catch up with you later.”

“Now that we are alone,” Austin said, leaning in for a kiss. I still hadn’t got used to the feelings I got whenever he kissed me. He could make me smile just by kissing me.

“Austin,” I said, pulling away from the kiss, “My mom said that since her and my father won’t be home for dinner you can come over and keep me company, that way I don’t have to deal with baby Aliya alone, please?”

“Well if you say it like that, Sofia, I would be honored to. I don’t have to cook though do I?”

“Like I would put anything you cooked in my mouth,” I said, leaning in for another kiss.

“Am I picking you up for school tomorrow? You know, now that I am a legal driver,” Austin said, grinning. Austin was a year older than Alana and I. He had one of those weird birthdays that made him seventeen when the rest of us were just turning sixteen yet he was allowed to be in our grade.

“I don’t know if I trust you, I mean after all you just passed the test a few days ago. What if you crash and I die?” I said, half jokingly have serious. I had seen him drive golf carts before; I honestly had no clue how he passed his driving
test.

“God wouldn’t let you die you are too pretty,” he said in a sarcastic but serious tone.

“Ok, wise butt, I’ll drive with you, but I swear if you even go five miles over the speed limit I am never driving with
you again!”

“How will we ever go on our romantic dates?”

“Babe, McDonalds isn’t a romantic date,” I said, jokingly.

“Aww man, then I guess I will have to cancel tomorrow night’s reservations there. I got the table closest to the
bathroom!”

“Ha-ha! You are just so funny! Why am I dating you again?”

“Because you know that I love you more than anything else in the world, well besides McDonalds and my dog and that
sewer beside my house oh, and the,”

“Enough,” I said, cutting him off, “I get it. You love me, I love you. Blah blah blah, we should be heading to my
house soon, babysitting time!”

“Home alone in your big house. This may get intense, you know what I’m thinking? Pillow fights!” Austin said,
giving me a quick kiss on the forehead and helping me get up so we can head back to my house.

You seemed to have left a mistake at the end. You must've pushed the enter button when typing. The last paragraph either needs rearranging, a capital letter at the start or needs to be attached to the one before when it goes "Austin said". I like the idea behind it, but I found the opening paragraph too infromative. A common technique which a lot of writers use is this: show and not tell. It's helpful to know Austin is the narrator's boyfriend, but maybe you could have that later on. For a first paragraph, make it something more punchy; short sentences always help to make the pace faster. Back onto the showing-not-telling shtick, if the narrator has a boyfriend, then show it. Have them kiss more often, or let him compliment her nonstop, to indicate to the reader that they are in love. I also, sorry for me saying this, found that is is a bit too short for a first chapter. Unless your novel is short, this doesn't really have enough meat in it to be a chapter. I would say trying to add quite a lot more to your chapter; for me the characters are a bit bland and don't have much interesting things about them. Also, during some lines of dialogue, you have left a gap between sentences, e.g "we should be heading to me
house soon, babysitting time!" I know this seems harsh of me, but I am only trying to give you advice to make the novel the best you possibly can. It has great potential, but you just have to do more to fulyl unleash it.

After the first part, I liked the story. You did a good job setting up the charaters. But that beginning was too much information and not introduced in the right way. All of the info about the school would be better spread out or told once Sofia goes back to school. I get you have to give a little because Alana mentioned going to public school, but don't give more than necessary.