Young Writers Society

I added some detail and it ended up kind of long, so I split it in two.


The capitol had been built on the remains of a once great city. It was ideal in many ways, but it had few issues. One of these issues was the giant crater that resided in the center of the community. It was said to have been made by some kind of nuclear bomb, which I remembered studying briefly in my Applied Chemistry Class. It would have cost millions to fill it up, so instead, they turned it into a park.
That’s right, our community playground was built in one of the most haunting reminders of the war that nearly tore our country apart.
Hence, the bowl.
I jumped off our speeder and waved goodbye to my Chauffeur. I knew sending him away meant I would have to hitch a ride home with the Prince, but I did it anyway. I didn’t want any witnesses.
It didn’t take me long to find Nathaniel.
I should have known not to send my Chauffeur away, as we wouldn’t be alone anyway. The Prince never went anywhere without his entourage of body guards and other attendees, most of whom were there to protect him from the psychotic side of the young female population.
He looked up at my approach and I realized he looked different. Instead of his radiating smolder he gave me an awkward half-smile, and then quickly looked away. I could see tenseness in his shoulders and he was hunched down slightly. He was nervous, and it was the first time I had ever seen him so since we were five.
This could not be good.
“Darcy” he was, fidgeting, he never fidgeted. This situation could not possibly get any weirder.
“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.” I lied, it could. “I shouldn’t have kissed you yesterday, not then, not when you were...vulnerable.” he looked at me as he said this. Despite how completely nonplussed and wrong-footed I was feeling at the moment, I was touched by his sincerity. It was kind of sweet, him apologizing like that. I was such an emotional wreck at that point, I almost started crying again. Almost.
“But the thing is...” he trailed off, I waited. “I liked it.” He finished. “I like you, Darcy.” He put his hand on mine, and for once I didn’t freak out or pull away.
I realized what I had found so different, so peculiar about him. This was the most human I had ever seen him act in my entire life. No longer the textbook example of gorgeousness, confidence, or control. No longer the promising leader already beginning to fill the demanding role of future king.
No longer the mold for perfection.
Now he was unsure, fighting with self-doubt, desire, and uncertainty. The one who couldn't see the path in front of him, but knew that he somehow still had to follow it although the thought terrified him. Someone who hesitated on the brink of a huge risk. Someone like me. Suddenly, he didn't seem so distant and unreachable. Now he was someone I could talk too, touch, feel...
“Look, I know this is weird," he continued, interrupting my discovery. "But I was thinking, maybe we could spend some time together, just you and me.” He attempted an encouraging smile.
“Come on, I’ll let you pick what we do first.” he let go of my hand, only to stand up and offer it to me again. His grin broadened. I hesitated, and his smile faltered. He looked self-conscious as the enthusiasm faded from his eyes. Something in his face broke, but there was a part of him that still held on, hopefully.
I thought of everything I had been through in the last twenty-four hours. Every reason why I should politely, justifiable, refuse.
I thought of all my fear, all my hesitation, all my pain. All my desires to simply turn off and forget the world. To stop pretending to care anymore.
The Prince hadn't moved. He simply stood, waiting politely for my decision.
I looked into that crumbling face. He had been so kind to me, even if I hadn't realized it. He'd come to find me after I'd run off, listened to all my musings, comforted me, and so gently kissed me. Then later, he'd had met with me and tried to apologize for potentially hurting me despite his discomfort. While here he had been so sweet, so caring, so understanding.
And now, it was me he was offering to spend the whole day with.
My mind was made up. I took his hand. His face lit up into a grin. He grasped my hand more firmly, but gently, and we left.

Hey there Artemis, interesting piece you have here!

It was ideal in many ways, but it had few issues.

The way you put this makes it sound like it doesn't have many (if any) issues at all. If you said "a few issues" or "it had flaws", then it would probably work better for what you are trying to say.

One of these issues was the giant crater that resided in the center of the community. It was said to have been made by some kind of nuclear bomb, which I remembered studying briefly in my Applied Chemistry Class. It would have cost millions to fill it up, so instead, they turned it into a park.

This whole section seems like an info-dump. Instead of telling us all about this, why not have the character go to this park? Or maybe have a conversation involving this park to give us the basic idea about it? Otherwise, it seems almost rambling and boring.

I jumped off our speeder and waved goodbye to my Chauffeur. I knew sending him away meant I would have to hitch a ride home with the Prince, but I did it anyway. I didn’t want any witnesses.

The two words have the same mistake - they don't need the capitalization they have! 'Chauffeur' could be compared to 'Driver', if you will. Would you capitalize the D in it every time? With the prince, you only need to capitalize the 'P' if it's addressing the prince by name. For example, if his name is Jacob, you can say Prince Jacob. But the word "Prince" doesn't need to be capitalized otherwise. So, you could have "Prince Jacob ate a cupcake", or "The prince ate a cupcake".

“Darcy” he was, fidgeting, he never fidgeted.

You don't need the comma.

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.” I lied, it could.

It could....what? Maybe I'm misunderstanding this, but it seems to be lacking words to make sense. Something could something, but I have no idea what either of those two somethings are.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you yesterday, not then, not when you were...vulnerable.” he looked at me as he said this.

Wait, what? When I was reading this, I thought Darcy was still talking. You should move this dialogue down a couple lines, otherwise it looks like Darcy is continuing speaking.

Overall, this was an alright piece. You definitely have room to improve (but so does everybody!), but it's not bad. Out of curiosity, what are all of the price's guards doing during this? They probably feel a little awkward during this conversation. Maybe you should include more about what is happening around them, and not just what they are saying. Hopefully my review made sense, but if not, feel free to PM me with questions or if you want another review. ^^

Good luck, keep it up.

--Heather

hey
I haven't read the earlier parts, because I'm just zipping around and pointing out grammatical and punctuation mistakes, but I got the story. You told me exactly what was happening and what had happened, but without that feeling like you were being patronising. It's a really careful balance, and you walk it like a professional tight-rope walker. Nice

You made one or two little mistakes, and I'm pretty sure (by the really high calibre of your writing) that you know how to do it right, your fingers just slipped. So here they are:

That’s right, our community playground was built in one of the most haunting reminders of the war that nearly tore our country apart.

I've gleaned from your vocabulary that you're an American-English writer, so as an English-English writer, this might not be what you understand to be correct, but I'll say it anyway cos it seems right to me. The second half of this, I'd put in the perfect past tense, like this:

"... the most haunting reminders of the war that had nearly torn our country apart."

I know that English and American past tenses are slightly different, so you might not like that, but I can only suggest what seems right to me.

“Darcy” he was, fidgeting, he never fidgeted. This situation could not possibly get any weirder.

You need some sort of punctuation in the speech, and a capital letter on "He was fidgeting". Your choice of punctuation, and where you put it, seems a little off in this one sentence, which is weird because everywhere else it was really good. This is what I would suggest to help it flow:

""Darcy," I said in a casual greeting. He was - fidgeting? He never fidgeted. This situation could not possibly get any weirder."

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.” I lied, it could.

Again, punctuation: the comma after "lied" at first made it appear, to me at least, like the "I lied" was related to what he had just said - odd. I'd put a colon after it instead: "I lied: it could."

“I shouldn’t have kissed you yesterday, not then, not when you were...vulnerable.” he looked at me as he said this.

Might I suggest this punctuation instead: ""I shouldn't have kissed you yesterday - not then, not when you were... vulnerable." He looked at me as he said this."
The dash then emphasises that pause, because when I read it, in my head that seemed like a place where, if he were actually saying this, he would hesitate a little longer than for a comma. Also, "He" needed to be capitalised.

“But the thing is...” he trailed off, I waited. “I liked it.” He finished.

Again, comma/full stop/capital issues: ""But the thing is..." His voice trailed off, and I waited. "I liked it," he finished." I'm sure you know why, because the "he finished" describes what he says, so what he says ends in a comma and "he" doesn't have a capital letter.

So yeah, basic stuff. And even then, it barely detracted from your story-telling, which was rather good. I like this - I liked it a lot.

~*cottonrulz*~

me again... I just realised I forgot to mention something I noticed, so I've being going back through my past reviews to find the story that had it in... convoluted, I know - my brain is a messy, messy place

Every reason why I should politely, justifiable, refuse.

I'm pretty sure you mean "justifiably" - a typo, but sometimes something that minor is something the author doesn't see - they see what they wanted to write, and if it's near enough then it slips under the radar. I do that all the time

happy writings

~*cottonrulz*~