Young Writers Society

Yes it is short. It looks lame, but it gets better. Enjoy! Also a big thanks to smvanr, because she helped me understand the puncuation of quotes! THANK YOU smvanr



Emma woke up to her beeping phone.
"You are kidding me right,"she thought.
She quickly slipped on some sweats and a jacket.
She openend the message on her phone, and sighed.
"Demon in Central Park
From Damien

Emma quickly jumped out her room window, and she raced towards the park. She reached into her jacket, and pulled out her staff. Once she reached the park, she jumped into a tree, and sat on the branch.
"Another demon, it is two o'clock in the morning, and this is the second day in a row," She thought while rubbing her eyes.
"Emma, are you tired?" Alex asked.
"No, I'm fine," she lied.

Emma jumped down from the tree; landed next to Alex.
"Why are there so many demons coming here," She mumbled.
A sound caught their attention. Emma clutched her staff as Alex pulled out his gun.
"Demon slayers, always in the way" the demon complained.
"Yeah, and you being disguise as a human is disgusting" Alex groaned.
It appeared infront of the two slayers.
"Which shall I kill first," the demon groaned. It looked at the two teenagers.
"Kill the boy, and eat the girl, maybe," it said as it licked it's lips. It dashed into the park forest; Emma and Alex chased after it. Emma and Alex came to a stop. The demon grabbed Emma with it's tentacle. Alex quickly grabbed her hand to pull her back; he was thrown into a tree.
"Stupid demon slayer," the demon grunted. Emma jabbed it with her staff; the demon released it's grip. Emma quickly got her staff and hit the demon as if she was hitting a baseball. Emma jumped away from the demon, and she landed behind Alex. The demon whipped it's tentacle at the two teenagers. Alex and Emma dodged it. Alex landed behind the demon and kicked it to the ground. The demon whipped it's tentacle across Alex's face. Alex aimed his gun at the demon, and shot the bullet through it's head. The demon ignited into flames then fell to a pile of ashes.
"Wow, show no mercy," Emma giggled. Alex smiled. He pulled out his phone; he dialed a number.
"Damien, is that all?" Alex asked.
"Yes," the voice replied.
"We can go," Alex told Emma.
"You're cut," Emma said
"It's okay," Alex said, as he wipped the little bit of blood that came from the cut.
" 'Kay," she said. "See you at school."




Emma shut the door to her locker.
"You ready for another boring test," a young girl asked.
"Yeah," Emma replied weary. Emma leaned against her locker, and massaged her temples.
"Another day of testing," she thought. " And two more days of testing after today,
"Emma, May," a girl shouted. The girl shut her locker, and walked towards the two girls.
"Hey Jen," May greeted.
"Didn't you hear the news about Alex," the girl asked anxiously. Emma and May shook their heads.
"Alex rejected another girl," she said.
"Again," May said. "Girls are lining up to be his girlfriend, and he rejects them, why?"
"I know," Jen said. Emma and May looked at Jen.
"He has a crush," she said.
"Who," May asked.
"Emma,"Jen whispered.
"Yeah right," Emma snorted.
"Really, think 'bout it he only smiles when he is around you,he laughs only around you, he doesn't ignore you," Jen listed.
"I am his friend, he talks to you two doesn't he, he laughs and smiles because we are his friends, he doesn't ignore us because we don't bother him with questions on why he rejected someone, and we don't annoy him," Emma said.
"Yeah he talks to us, 'bout school stuff if we can help him, but you he actually talks to you," May whispered. Emma sighed.
"He never tells me anything personal, we just work together, we are locker nieghbors, science partners, nothing more, I doubt he likes me," she though.
"Emma, here he comes," May whispered in Emma's ear.
"Hey, Alex," May and Jen greeted.
"Hey," Alex said as he opened his locker. "Do we have another test today?"
Emma nodded.
"So, Alex, Emma whatcha up to afterschool,me, Jen, and Noah are going to the park wanna come? To" May asked casually.
"Can't got work," He mumbled.
"Yeah me too," Emma said.
"Tomarrow?" May asked.
Emma and Alex shrugged.
"Well, that sucks," Jen whinned.
"Yup," Emma said.
"You know what else sucks, test all week," May said. Alex nodded and smiled.
"AH HA, he smiled," Jen yelled.
"What, he smiles he is not a robot," Emma said. Jen and May giggled.
"Maybe I am," Alex said with a grin.
"Well if you are no cheating on the test," Emma demanded.
"I am not a robot, I swear." Alex held up his left hand.




"After a day of testing, still got to kill demons, great" Emma thought. She felt a vibration in her back pocket. She pulled out her phone.
"In the gym fighting a demon help,"
"Now they are coming to the school," Emma mumbled. She grabbed her staff from her bag; ran to the gym.

***Thoughts in BOLD, corrections in red.

Emma quickly jumped out her room window, and she raced towards the park. She reached into her jacket, and pulled out her staff. Once she reached the park, she jumped into a tree, and sat on the branch.
"Another demon, it is two o'clock in the morning, and this is the second day in a row," She thought while rubbing her eyes.
"Emma, are you tired?" Alex asked.
"No, I am fine," she lied. So basically, I just felt like this could be tweaked and cleaned up. The biggest problem is that these sentences were sort of rigid; you want sentences to form a rhythm and pattern that defines the pace of the story.My biggest suggestion on fixing this would be to make sure you switch the sentence structure around where it's logical to - so that "she" isn't around the beginning of every sentence, for instance. Example below....

Emma jumped down from the tree; landed next to Alex. *example: "Landing next to Alex, Emma's feet found the earth as she descended the tree."
"Why are there so many demons coming here?" she mumbled.
A sound caught their attention. Emma clutched her staff as Alex pulled out his gun.
"Demon slayers, always in the way" The complained. It appeared in front of the two slayers.
"Which shall I kill first," The demon groaned. It looked at the two teenagers.
"Kill the boy, and eat the girl, maybe," It said as it licked it's lips. Alex aimed his gun at the demon, and shot the bullet through it's head. The demon ignited into flames then fell to a pile of ashes.
"Wow, show no mercy," Emma giggled. Alex smiled. He pulled out his phone; he dialed a number.
"Damien, is that all?" Alex asked.
"Yes," The voice replied.
"We can go," Alex told Emma.
" 'Kay," She said. "See you at school." Okay, so my one problem with this was lack of detail. You told us what happened ,but I wanted to share the picture you had through this. What do these demons look like, are the teens afraid or are they used to it by now, etc.

"You ready for another boring test?" a young girl (around what age?)asked.

"He has a crush," She said.
"Who," May asked.
"Emma,"Jen whispered.
"Yeah right," Emma snorted. A tiny pet peeve of mine: they all end with "--- said/whispered/snorted." It's another thing that has to do with the flow of your story that tweaking might improve.

"So, Alex, Emma whatcha up to afterschool,me, Jen, and Noah are going to the park wanna come," May asked casually. Run-on sentence.

Last things now. Okay, so the transitions of time were kind of hard to keep up with at points, so I think spacing them a little further might help. In general, your sentence flow is what's really needing work. It sounds like a small thing but it will really bring the story alive. Grammar's a tiny issue, but they're kind of the mistakes you keep making rather than a ton of different ones. Then the last thing is description. I felt like we could've really benefitted from it; I mean, we haven't had any clues on what characters look like, and very few about how they are feeling. We hear your heroine's thoughts now and then, but I'd like if they were implied in actions a little more now and then too. Stuff like this is just what keeps the story 3-dimensional and realistic. And I know I've kind of been picking on you with this review, but I do like the plot's concept and think it could work really well if brought in the right direction.

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Oh, storyweaver13 I was going to discribe the characters, next chapter it is going to be from a diffrent point of view thanks I will sure get to work on that! Thank you.

Hii,
Idea sounds interesting. Your dialogue needs punctuation though, like StoryWeaver13 pointed out, and there were parts where it sounded kind of fake and unrealistic.

"No, I am fine," She lied.

Like here, wouldn't she say 'I'm fine' instead of 'I am fine'.

Also, like when they were fighting the demon in the park, that should be an action scene, yeah? I think maybe you should add a little more description, show how the characters are feeling and stuff.

"In the gym fighting a demon help,
From Alex"

Wouldn't Emma already have Alex's number saved on her phone? So he doesn't have to say 'From Alex'. And, how can you text while you're fighting a demon? Wouldn't calling be easier and more realistic?

But it was good, keep writing

There is too much dialouge here. Way to much. Actually, that's practically all this chapter is. This is not what you want. You want a reader to get an idea of where the story is taking place, what the area looks like, explanation of the characters...When you write a chapter it's like you're controlling a whole group of people's lives. You're making them come to life; you're the puppet master, though only the great puppettiers can cut the strings and let their characters tell the story for themselves. Unfortunately this doesn't happen here. And what is with all the bolding of words? I honestly don't think it's needed. You should be exclaiming your point in your words, not using bits of code.

Let's take a step back. Hello, I am Apple. Firstly, I love your concept idea. It's really cool the way you've brang something like staffs into a modern day story that hasn't got to do with witches and wizards. Another thing I like is your characters. I feel like they have personality and that they're different. Their likes and dislikes aren't the same which I see happening so much in novels not only on this site but in the real book world as well. Your characters have some kind of depth to them that helps me envision completely different people coming together to kick demon butt. Now that I've gotten my fan girl out of me I am going to return back to being a harsh reviewer.

This has problems and not just grammatical and spelling. I don't want something with so much potential going down the drain because of faulty dialouge. Now I am not a genius, so maybe this is just my opinion and I could be feeding you a whole line of crud but this is just my opinion. When you read books, do you ever seenchapters where the dialouge out ways other explanations? Or short stories in which it seems that all that is happening is a conversation between characters? No. You have so much to explain, you can easily implicate it into this story! What I mean to say is that you're going to fast. Here are some examples:

Demon in Central Park
From Damien

Emma quickly jumped out her room window, and she raced towards the park. She reached into her jacket, and pulled out her staff. Once she reached the park, she jumped into a tree, and sat on the branch.

I read on a little bit and your character tells me that this is all happening at two in the morning. This means that this girl was sitting up all night and she wasn't even in the least tired as she managed to get the text and then lunge out of the window like a mad woman. But then you go onto say that she scratches her eyes groggily. Think about this. It's two in the morning; she would wake to the sound of a phone buzzing on and off with the message (I am taking that it's a phone, you never gave me any idea what the device really is), she would then take some time to register what is being said on that really brightly lit screen.

Here is an experiment for you. Get one of your friends to text you a completely random message at two in the morning and then, after just being with the fairies, you try to reply to that without throwing the phone at the wall in frustration and a need to get back to bed.

Take these events into account. She wouldn't just jump out of the window, and if she does then have her awake at her desk studying or something. Also, how did she get the message? On her phone, telepathically, the computer, bird calls...? Already you have so much to write about that isn't dialouge and yet you're not taking the oppurtunity. Take my advice, do the experiment and then write from experience and if you don't want to do that then place yourself in her shoes. What would you most likely be doing at two in the morning? Sleeping? Eating? IMing? Studying? YWSing? Make your characters do the same and fully explain it to us because all I get is this bold thing and the BAM she's Wonderwoman throwing herself out of windows.

"Kill the boy, and eat the girl, maybe," It said as it licked it's lips. Alex aimed his gun at the demon, and shot the bullet through it's head. The demon ignited into flames then fell to a pile of ashes.
"Wow, show no mercy," Emma giggled. Alex smiled. He pulled out his phone; he dialed a number.

What the hell? Where is the fight?! Don't do this to me woman, I was suspecting a brawl and then you cut it short! Where is the kicking and the punching. You have so much to work with here and you're just going to leave it at the demon dying by a bullet wound! What do they look like by the way? The demons and the main characters? But that's just a side note, I am here to really rant! I want a fight and my God you've got to make one. Have them doing a two against one thing. Show their personalities and how they work together by the kicking demon butt. Then you go on to cut this whole scene short and end up placing it into school. In all honesty, I think you could've milked three to four pages, and possibly more, from this first part instead of just two paragraphs.

How I would've done it: firstly there could've been the groggy wake up, then the sneaking out of the house and almost being caught by either a nosy neighbour or a sibling waking at the sound of footsteps. Maybe even incorporating a fear of heights in here when she's climbing down a tree trunk to reach the ground. Next I would've had her race towards the destination and almost being run over but saved by the male protaginist. Then there is the fight, and the MC returns the favour by saving Alex's life against the demon.

That's maybe even more then five pages.

Your real problem here is that you move to fast and you don't consider the minor details. What does everything look like? The characters and the scenery? Who is this Damien fellow anyway, you could explain him and also the history of these two characters. How did they become fighting demons? You've left so much out that this feels like only a skeleton for you too practice dialouge with. So what I am suggesting after this large rant? Go back, sit down, re-read all of this and imagine it. What do you see? What can you feel? What can you smell/hear? Then place it into the story. The writer is always the main character in first POV; no matter their gender, the author will always be the main character. Always. And since you are Emma, you have to explain to your best ability what is happening in this world that she is living in.

The other reviewers cleared up on all the grammar and spelling though I am afraid that they didn't get all of them. I don't do grammar/spelling reviews so I am suspecting you to go through and pick up the mistakes and if there is something you don't know, check out one of the tutorial threads that deal specifically with the problem. I hope I didn't seem too harsh, I just don't want to see this go to waste. Good luck with the rest of it!

Thank you apple, I am starting to edit chapter 1 it seemed like I said lame, but I will improve it!


For the other people reading you are probably thinking this:

What the hell? Where is the fight?! Don't do this to me woman, I was suspecting a brawl and then you cut it short! Where is the kicking and the punching.

I know thats what people wanted I just couldn't put it to words, but tell you for sure chapter 2 has a whole chapter of fighting. You will love it, and I am fixing chapter one, thanks to Apple and the others I have ideas!

To Apple:Thank you for the review! And Like!!!

I like this story idea, and it can definitely go places. I do agree with Apple though... you take what could be four or five pages and compress them into about a page. It moves way too quickly for me to get a feel for anyone. What is each character feeling?

It's not so much that you need a fight, per se, but you do need descriptions. For instance, what does the demon look like? When I think demon, I think horns and a tail and a pitchfork. However, Alex mentions a human disguise. And then all of a sudden there are flailing tentacles. When did this change? You need at least of description to introduce said demon... what does it look like? Has Emma fought something like this before? What does she feel fighting it? Disgust, hatred? Or is this just a job to her? Just another thing to kill? <--- This kind of thing can later lead into some of the backstory; how did Emma end up in this position?

Also, the scale of weaponry seemed off. Like Alex gets a gun and Emma gets... a staff? Isn't that a little off-balance? Because her staff clearly doesn't do as much damage as the gun, even as you narrate it.

Emma quickly got her staff and hit the demon as if she was hitting a baseball. Emma jumped away from the demon, and she landed behind Alex. The demon whipped it's tentacle at the two teenagers.

She hits the demon with a staff as if it were a baseball bat (... and, coming from someone who has used a staff before... that's not really how it's done ><;; a staff is too long for effective baseball swings, sorry), and it doesn't do much damage. Demon doesn't react, and Emma jumps away. Is Emma just in training? Or is her staff... special in some way?
Speaking of which:

"Now they are coming to the school," Emma mumbled. She grabbed her staff from her bag; ran to the gym.

Er..................... is it a really small staff or a really big, skinny, long bag? And she's allowed to bring weapons to school?? These are the q's that need answering.

Another tip:

"Yeah, and you being disguise as a human is disgusting" Alex groaned.

"Which shall I kill first," The demon groaned. It looked at the two teenagers.

"Stupid demon slayer," The demon groaned.

The first groan was okay... the second was iffy... by the third, I was groaning. Anyways, I'd always thought that demons did things more like... "hissing" or "snarling." Groaning just seems off for a fight scene. Especially when it's repeated.

This is the first chapter though; questions such as Alex and Emma's history, or who Damien is, can wait until later. One question that is important to answer right away, as soon as the school is introduced, is whether or not people know about demons. Are the invading demons common knowledge? I mean... there's a fight with one at school! :O But no one else mentions demons at all. And if they aren't, how will Alex and Emma handle the situation (this would be answered in the next chapter during/after the fight). The devil's in the details, as they say. :O I just want to know more. Which is definitely a good thing. I'm liking the story, but there's a lot you could be doing with it to get me well and truly hooked. Hopefully this post will help as you edit... good luck!