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Young Writers Society


Royal Engagment (chaper one)



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Wed Oct 05, 2005 8:06 pm
AngelBaby88 says...



Chapter one
Kyla sighed as she watched prince Tristan and Raoul approach her and father, leaning over she whispered.
"I can not believe I'm going to go through with this absurd marriage."
Her father only chuckled at his druthers distress and squeezed her hand reassuringly.
"Your not doing it for you or him my dear, but for your people." she sighed once more and returned to her normal sitting posture which was us ally that of a proud warrior she was. Kyla was the only women knight in his kingdom and was among the most praised and honored with their people, although there were certain people who were appalled by her cutting her long red hair to the base of her neck and dressing in Menes attire. The king did not care, he loved her anyway and wouldn't have her no other way, he only pi ted the young Tristan whom was taking her hand in marriage.
The eldest son was to be married to Kyla's favorite cousin and would be an ally to the west and hopefully a good one stepped forward while his brother remained near the stairs leading to the kings thrown.
"King Jamius, we have come to collect our agreement."
The crude greeting earned him a scorned res ponce from Kyla who was quick with her tongue and words.
"I will forgive your disrespect-fullness for the time being, but never let it happen again for it will earn you worse than words."
"Kyla!"
King Jamius words silenced her as she sat back and merely just shrugged.
"That is quite all right Mi lord. We are not here to make friends, only seal a peace treaty. Therefore her words are mere ripples on sea of waves."
Tristan than spoke up causing the king and Raoul to stare at him shocked.
"Perhaps I should have taken to the greeting, for tis I who will marry this lovely women. There is no need for harsh words and such behavior." he then stepped forward and leaned on one knee. "Do forgive me and my brother for our rude greeting."
The king nodded, impressed by the young mans words and simply raised a hand.
"Do not fret young prince and most honored guest. You are most forgiven."
Raoul looking rather disappointed smiled at his brothers ridiculous speech and took Kyla's cousin's hand.
"If you will forgive me I must take my leave, I have a long journey to make."
Kyla rose, "How dare you take my cousin without letting me wish her farewell and good luck with such a beast such as yourself." Unaffected by her words he released Renee and watched her and Kyla embrace, wishing it were Kyla the fire headed beauty he was to couple with later that evening.
"Farewell cousin." Before turning to leave Kyla placed her Jewel studded dagger into her cousins tunic.
"Use it, only if needed." she placed a gentle kiss on her cousins white cheek and let her go to Raoul.
Her father stood up and said to the guests
"In honor of my daughters forthcoming marriage let the feast begin."
Kyla then turned her attention to Tristan and her father.
"Please excuse me, for I seem to be under dressed for such an occasion." she nodded her head and left the two man watching her leave.
"Shes quite a lady." Tristan said amazed by her intriguing beauty and grace full movements, it was hard to believe he had been in battle with this women and even more amazing strung out in love with her as well.
The king watched his expression and nodded
"That she is. Her mother was beautifully but my girl, sad to say puts her to shame."
Tristan smiled and went to where the king was sitting and sat down,
"She will make a wonder full mother." He looked embarrassed as he said it, "And quite a wife."
"I have no doubt a wonder full mother, but a wife I shall leave up to you, she as wild as the flowers growing in the woods."
"And as lovely. Ive never seen a women as pretty as she.."
"You seem smitten with her?"
Tristan smiled and added, "I fear she will hate me for our fa miles backgrounds."
"Do not fear, in time if you show her as much respect as you've shown me, she will come around."
Tristan hoped so, he truly hoped so.
All i have time for.
see others how you want to be seen
  





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67 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 67
Wed Oct 05, 2005 8:07 pm
AngelBaby88 says...



sorry for all mistakes didnt have time to correct
see others how you want to be seen
  





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75 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 75
Thu Oct 06, 2005 12:57 am
forest_ofthe_nightingale says...



Your... grammar... is... driving... me... crazy... Please fix the spelling and grammar ASAP. It's killing a potentially great story! I like your dtory idea and I hope you'll continue writing it. I do have some suggestions, though. First off, avoid run-ons. There's one that really sticks out that I would like to show you:

Kyla was the only women knight in his kingdom and was among the most praised and honored with their people, although there were certain people who were appalled by her cutting her long red hair to the base of her neck and dressing in Menes attire.


Break it up:
Kyla was the only female [I think this sounds better than "woman"; "woman" is not an adjective] knight in the kingdom, and the most praised and honored among their people. However, there were certain people who had been appalled when she cut her long red hair to the base of her neck and dressed herself in men's attire.

If you really really like it, leave it. But I think it would sound a lot better if you went through and did some serious editing.
One final suggestion: check out the website, http://missy.reimer.com/library/marysue.html . It could really help you avoid the stereotypical "tough princess vs the world" story. A good idea shouldn't be wasted on that. Keep posting, though. I'd like to see how Kyla's "royal engagement" fares.
Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake... unless it's to remind him that he won't fail... he just won't kill you.
  





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67 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 67
Thu Oct 06, 2005 7:22 pm
AngelBaby88 says...



Sorry about grammar...but you know how it is when ideas start pouring out of you and you just want to see how others feel about it because you know how you feel about it...I work on that harder...my english teachers say i have good ideas just have a problem with run-ons...Yet thanks for your suggestions and i will continue to work on it. :wink:
see others how you want to be seen
  





User avatar
75 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 75
Fri Oct 07, 2005 10:28 pm
forest_ofthe_nightingale says...



:D
Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake... unless it's to remind him that he won't fail... he just won't kill you.
  








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