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Gisele Chapter 1



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Fri May 09, 2008 11:20 pm
nilou-and-amani says...



It fell off and rolled towards the young man’s foot. As it gently tapped his foot, he bent down and picked it up. She had pulled out the doorknob in her frantic effort to open the door and leave the party. Nevertheless, her efforts were fruitless and only resulted in the breaking of the doorknob. He observed it, and then observed her. She was not beautiful but there was something about her, he couldn’t help but stare .She seemed different from the other girls at the party, only he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He took this opportunity to walk over and talk to her.

“I think you broke it,” he said jokingly.

“Well I hope not I. I need to get out of this apartment before I suffocate. Nobody will open the windows to let some fresh air in,” she uttered breathlessly.

He glanced at her and then continued to fix the door. As she began to feel dizzy, she placed her hand on his shoulder for support, at that very moment he managed to open the door. He looked up and their faces were inches apart. The woman’s eyes suddenly rolled and then closed. He suddenly felt her slipping away; he quickly grabbed her and dragged her out of the apartment. She lay there in the hallway pale. he ran back in and retrieved a glass of wine and some chocolate.

It worked. She slowly opened her eyes and he could feel her pulse quickening. She sat up, looked him straight in the eyes and said,

“What a great way to introduce myself. Hi I’m Gisele.” She let out a faint giggle and offered her hand.

“Hi. I’m Nate. Nice to meet you”.

He shook her hand, and gently lifted her off the ground. As she got up, she straightened her long ivory toga gown that hugged her slender figure. She then ran her fingers through her tousled long brown hair that was covering her well-defined face upon which her delicate features were placed. Her piercing blue eyes then turned to Nate’s face. She stepped back and her eyes slowly scanned him top to bottom. All that came to her mind was tall dark and handsome. He epitomized the modern day knight in shining armor. He donned a classy yet simple navy blue suit, and had clear brown eyes that were shadowed by his deep brow and his hair which was now a complete mess, thanks to her, was the nicest shade of brown she had ever seen. When they had both finished examining each other they became aware of the silence. Nate cleared his throat, clearly intending to break it.

“So Gisele, are you hungry?"

“Depends on where you plan on taking me,” she said intending to make him smile.

“How about a place called Marcella’s?”

“I’m famished."

She slowly approached him and placed her hand in his and they headed to Marcella’s, a restaurant that was on top of every A-listers agenda.

She had visited the restaurant before, but this time it was completely different, she was always there on official architect’s business but this time it was different. Upon seeing Nate, the waiter led them to the roof lounge a place she knew was exclusive, special VIP only. The area was candle lit and the view was more than just breathtaking. Gisele figured Nate was rich but this, this she had not expected. The waiter brought them the menu and not recognizing anything she leaned forward and said,

“Why don’t we share something?”

“Sure why not, what would you like?”

“I’ll let you pick this time.”

“This time? Then there are going to be more?”

“Who knows, there might be.”

He turned to the waiter and ecstatically said,

“Well in that case, Fernandez get us a bottle of your finest champagne and a sample of everything on the menu.”

Struggling to keep himself composed Fernandez replied with a simple nod. Gisele gave out a light giggle and decided it was time to figure out who exactly this Nate character is.

“So what’s your story? Do you make a living out of rescuing collapsing girls at parties or do you actually have a job?”

“If only it was that easy.” he said with a chuckle “I own a hotel chain, maybe you’ve hear of the Kingsley Heights?”

“The Kingsley Heights? Wow.” She couldn’t believe it, that hotel chain; his hotel chain, was voted third in the nation.

“And you, something related to hotels I suppose since you were at that party tonight.”

“Architect,” she muttered as she was sipping her glass of champagne.

“April Productions?”

“Yeah how did you know?"

“Let’s just say I know everything.”

At that instant, about 50 plates of food arrived. They were now silent as they slowly ate their dinner staring into each other’s eyes. Gisele had not felt this way about anyone in a long time.

Their meal ended and they headed to the parking lot were Nate’s chauffer awaited him. Before Nate could say anything Gisele hushed him and directed the chauffer to her apartment. Still they did not exchange a single word.When they arrived, she silently opened the door to her apartment and slowly led him down the hallway and towards her room.
Last edited by nilou-and-amani on Thu May 15, 2008 4:47 pm, edited 5 times in total.
  





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Sat May 10, 2008 3:34 am
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C.J. Mustang says...



Hey. Just want to tell you if you didn't red the rules: you need to post 2 reviews before you submit 1 story. And also, between every paragraph, make sure you double space so it's easier to read. Go back over your story carefully--

"You made some mistakes where your quotation marks ended up with a space in between your last word or your punctuation mark. "

Your grammar sounds fine, I'll give you Kudos on that--but your punctuation seems to be a bit off.

“Well I hope not I, I need to get out of this apartment before I suffocate, nobody will open the windows to let some fresh air in.,” she uttered breathlessly.


Try reading it in your head. To me, it kind of sounds a bit funny. It might be easier if you write it like this:

“Well I hope not. I--I need to get out of this apartment before I suffocate. Nobody will open the windows to let some fresh air in.(leave out the comma and keep the period)” she uttered breathlessly.

She was not beautiful but there was something about her, he couldn’t help but stare she seemed different from the other girls at the party only he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.


She was not beautiful, but there was something about her, he couldn't help but stare. She seemed different from the other girls at the party, only he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

It worked, she slowly opened her eyes and he could feel her pulse quickening.



It worked. She slowly opened her eyes and he could feel her pulse quickening.

“Hi I’m Nate, nice to meet you”.


“Hi. I’m Nate. Nice to meet you." (switch comma and last quotation)

She sat up, looked him straight in the eyes and said“What a great way to introduce myself. Hi I’m Gisele.”


She sat up, looked him straight in the eyes and said,“What a great way to introduce myself. Hi, I’m Gisele.”

“Hi I’m Nate, nice to meet you”.


Again, switch the ending quotations and the period. it looks like you rushed through this to submit it quickly--take your time and go over your story slowly to make sure you don't have simple mistakes like this.

He donned a classy yet simple navy blue suit. He had clear brown eyes that were shadowed by his deep brow and his hair which was now a complete mess, thanks to her, was the nicest shade of brown she had ever seen.


your sentences begin to get too choppy through here, and then you have a run-on sentence. Instead, try this:

He donned a classy yet simple navy blue suit,(get rid of 'he'. instead put 'and') had clear brown eyes that were shadowed by his deep brow. (get rid of 'and' and start a new sentence)His hair which was now a complete mess, thanks to her, was the nicest shade of brown she had ever seen.

When they had both finished examining each other they became aware of the silence, Nate decided to break it:


Again, your punctuation needs a bit of fixing:

When they had both finished examining each other, they became aware of the silence.

Instead of saying "Nate decided to break it:", you could say, "Nate cleared his throat, clearly intending to break it.", or something like that.

She slowly approached him and placed her hand in his and they headed to Marcella’s; a restaurant that was on top of every A-listers agenda.


instead of having this ; in your sentence, try using a comma. What you used was replaces periods, and is mean for a long pause; commas are meant for short ones, like I did just now. You see how that worked?

All of these beginners mistakes is what you pretty much have in your story, so look over it and see if you can find any more--hopfully you fix the ones that I already have pointed out to you. Have fun editing, and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

~CJ :wink:
  





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Sat May 10, 2008 3:21 pm
soconfused4512 says...



OOOOOOOOOH I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT please KEEP MEPOSTED
~OdD~OnE~
  





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Sat May 10, 2008 6:24 pm
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Jesse says...



I gathered that in the begining they were both at a party. But i couldnt really see that from the first poem. Maybe drop a couple more sentences in letting me really imagine the room.

You wrote "Their meal ended and they headed to the parking lot were Nate’s chauffer awaited him. Before Nate could say anything Gisele hushed him and directed the chauffer to her apartment. Still they did not exchange a single word. She silently opened the door and slowly led him down the hallway and towards her room."

I couldnt help but notice that you left out the part when they both got out of the car and walked into the hotel it confused me for a second or two but i got it.
It was a bit choppy for a couple seconds here and there but otherwise flowed really good.

I liked it though. You pm when you write the next chapters :)
To be a hero is not to be out of the ordinary, it is to be ordinarily remarkable.
  








You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.
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