Young Writers Society

Review:-Jess has just broken up with a boy and left for the weekend away from school while Draive has some how managed to bump into a Gorgeous boy, while spilling his lunch of course...

"I'm so sorry about that! Can I buy you another one?" She asked. He was cute, that would have to be compensation for her loss in money.

"Oh no you don't have to...." He scratched the back of his head...

(now on to the first chapter!)

"I um...." The boy said thinking aloud.
"I got it but while I have some one, can you show me around school Monday?" He asked as a teacher scurried to get the mess cleaned up.

"Ya sure." She answered.
A new student? Even better! Her mind screamed as she walked down the hall.
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That night she lay in bed, her hair spewed across her bed.
She thought she could sense an accent as she replayed the scene over and over in her head. She'd have to find out on Monday.
Oh well. She thought as she turned over and swept her mind into sleep.
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She was shaken away the next morning by one of her friends, Jess.

What now? She thought with a groan as she sat up in bed rubbing her eyes.

When she opened them she found Jess there with a halter top on that was all black. It played innocent while adding a I'm-not-to-be-date feel to her appearance.

"Hi. Your mom let me in. I need you to go shopping with me." Jess said as she sat on the bed.

"Ya sure." Draive answered. She pulled back her covers and dropped to the floor as her crimson night gown loosened to the freeness. She didn't know why she wore red. It just sort of attracted to her...

She pulled on a black and red striped shirt that clung loosely to her sides, and a simply pair of jeans.

She stepped back into her room and found her stash of money. She stuffed it into her pocket.

"Let's go." She said following her friend down the steps.

"Good morning ladies. Out to shop?" Draives mother chimed from the kitchen. She knew about the monthly break up thing and she had gotten used to it but she knew better than to get into a calming pep talk with Jess. It wouldn't help.

"Ya. Bye." Draive called over her shoulder as the door shut behind her with a light thud.

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Draive and her friend made it to the mall by an old friend named Eric. He was a high schooler student just as they were.

"You sure you're gona take the bus? If you walk I swear I'll get back at you." He said through the open passenger window.

"Ya ya. We'll get a ride." Drave called as her friend pulled her away.
..........................
"So were do you want to shop?" Draive asked knowing she wouldn't get her way all day.

"Claire's." Jess answered pulling her away just as Draive looked around to find the stores just opening.

Another long day she thought.
.......
It was only noon but Draive was hungry from not having breakfast and she had just gotten Jess to agree with her to take a break.

"Ha." Draive breathed out as she sat down with a small something to eat.

She wasn't exactly hungry but she wanted to rest.

As she finished she got up to throw away her trash.-

"Coome oon!" A little girl moaned loudly. She had mid-back length hair that shimmered golden as she tugged on some boys sleeve. Oh wait it was the boy from the other day.

"Having truble?" She asked to him lightly with a hint of joking in her tone.

"Yes. Um...I don't think I caught your name.“ He said trying to think straight with the girl still tugging as his brown hair fell uneven around his face.

"Draive." She answered politely.

"Oh! Hello Davy!" The girl said finally looking as though she saw her. Draive had sean this girl before some were..."Chris! Come on! You promised mom you'd take me!" She moned again.

"Well it looks like you just found my name."Hhe said with a smile. "I never wanted to take you in my life. You're such a liar and suck up. " He said rudely to the girl. As soon as he said it he wanted to take it back. He covered his mouth.
"I'm so sorry sis." He said as the girl had tears well up in her eyes.

"Hey wear were you taking her?" Draive asked.

"He was supposed to take me to the Tea Time place." His sister said as a tear fell down her cheek.

"How about you come with me and my friend to Tea Time?" She said bending down and whipping a tear from her cheek.

"Ok." The little girl sniffled back.

"You can come and stand in the back round." She said to Chris.

"Sure why not." He shrugged. “As long as I don't have to play dress up." He said.

"You won't have to play dress up." she said as she held her hand out to the girl.

She took it and sighed happily. “My names Jamy by the way." She said as they walked over to Jess.

"We have a play date my friend. At Tea Time." Draive stated to her friend.

"Sounds fun." She said getting up and introducing her self to the two as her blonde hair trailed her.

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(Is it any good?Or does it just barly stand on your standereds? Ya! all though I do get a lot of you-can't-spells...Oh well here you go.)*hands draft to the boared ready for it to be gobbled down by scarry people that earther hate it of just plain love it...*

Yeaahh I hate to point out the spelling errors. But do you have spell check? There's that option at the bottom of the post that says it if you don't otherwise. I mean no matter how good a story is spelling errors take away from it and distract the reader.

Especially one in the topic description, "easyer" should be "easier" and "prologe" should be "prologue". People might be put off when they see one there.

Also there's some typos I know you said this is a draft though. But what helps sometimes is printing it out and reading it yourself because sometimes staring at the computer for so long causes you to miss things. Watch your capitalization too, whenever the name of a character is mentioned cap the first letter.

She took it and sighed happily."My names jamy by the way." she said as they walked over to Jess

Sorry for pointing all that out but if you do get a lot of "you-can't-spells" maybe take the extra time to go over your writing before posting.

The story itself isn't bad you have an interesting character driven plot going on even in the short amount of text you did post. I know this is cliche to say but maybe to try to do more "showing" rather than "telling". Don't put in details so bluntly all at once just slowly weave it into the story.

Draive and her friend made it to the mall by an old friend named Eric. He was a lean, musculer high schooler student just as them and his black tee would crumple as he drove. His hair was a stray mess that atracted girls, on his head. His eyes most of all were a captivating jewel green.

See you described him bluntly right when he was introduced. That's too much info at once for a reader (even though it's only three sentences). And he isn't in the scene for too long so not much of his description matters right now unless he comes back into the story.

But anyway sorry if this sounded annoying at all or mean. Just keep on writing and keep on posting

Ok I did re do some of it but most of it I left the same....

All I really have to say is watch your grammar, spelling, and tenses. Sometimes you'll mix something up and it gets confusing. Next time you post just re-read it to double check.
I like the plot a lot. I can't wait to see what happens between Draive and Chris.
Keep writing.

~Rachael

Thanks I actually got the time to spell check it finally at school^_^

ok i LOVE your story you have a natural "talent " but please do a spell check you have a few typos i know how it is when someone tell syou that you have typos but i LOVE to know that my readers are ACTUALLY reading and not just skimming over something they read it so HARD that they notice my typos and that is a GREAT feeling for me i hope the feeling is mutual well anyways GREAT story just fix the typos

thank you.

I just fixed them.^_^

Ok, so parts of it are choppy, parts aren't.

Also, there are several different things you need to capatilize.

Other then that please keep going.


TNC

Is that better?

I wasn't quite sure what you ment.

What now? she

That s is supposed to be capatile.



was jerked awake the next morning.

Jerked away by what?

She was jerked awak by her freind.

Tell that, tell how she was jerked awake. Was there a knock a phone call, a what?

Just edited again.^-^

By her friend doing WHAT?

She was jerked awake the next morning by her friend. She had shock her.

It's shook, not shock. And make it flow, like:

She was shaken away the next morning by one of her good friends, insert name here