z

Young Writers Society


Keri's Love Chapter One Part Two (Redone)



User avatar
110 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1844
Reviews: 110
Sat Mar 29, 2008 1:07 am
TNCowgirl says...



“Wanna dance?” He asked looking down at her. She had to look up, to see him, she was only a foot shorter then him. She was small for twenty-two, but she had never let that stop her.

“Sure.” She smiled. The music was soft and slow and she had wanted to dance all night. Her heart seemed to leap up in her throat as she felt his arms wrap around her waist. She gingerly put her arms on his shoulders and let her body sway with the music. For some reason she wanted to never stop dancing. She felt something with his arms around her, a security maybe? She looked up and their eyes locked, she barely kept herself from gasping. His eyes seemed to be focused only on her. She felt he might kiss her, and for some reason she wanted him too. All the fears about guys seemed to float away when she looked into his eyes.

He didn’t though. She had known he wouldn’t though, deep inside she had known that. She saw his eyes flicker past her and his body tensed. She turned her head around twisting her body a little to see. Two guys stood there, arms crossed, faces hard. There was a girl standing in front of them with the look of pure anger of her face. She was glaring right at Keri. When her eyes met Keri’s she made her way towards the two, the two guys following. Keri looked at the guy surprised, and was about to ask him who they were, but she didn’t have time for they were already there. The girl glared at Keri and she felt her arms move to her side. She moved away from the guy, he sent her a hurt look, but faced the group.

“Who the hell are you?” The girl demanded, Keri felt her whole body tense up in defense.

“Amber, what are you doing here?” The guy demanded not letting Keri respond to the girl. There was obvious tension between the group. She wanted to walk away to never see the guy and his friends again, but for some reason she couldn’t.

“I was sent here to get you, Ryder, your father wont be happy when I have to report to him how I found you.” Amber hissed, “Now, let’s go.”

Keri didn’t know what to think, she just stood there, stund. Was this Amber his girlfriend, no she would’ve tried to start something. But Keri had a feeling she liked him, and that this wasn’t going to make Keri’s life any simpler that night.

“As I told him before, until I have found what I’ve been looking for I’m not coming back.” Ryder said firmly from behind her.

“HA! And you think you are going to find it here!” Amber laughed, “You know just as well as I do that that isn’t going to happen. You have to stick with your own kind.”

“Amber, leave. NOW!” Ryder said in such a firm voice that Keri felt like shrinking. Amber must’ve felt the same way because she backed up.

“Alright, but when your father hears about this. I will feel sorry for the….” Amber didn’t finish her sentence, Keri glanced at Ryder and saw that his blue eyes had turned to a stony glare. Amber just spun around and left the two guys following. Keri looked back at Ryder, the anger that shown in his eyes made her step back. His eyes finally looked at her and they softened. He stepped towards her and she just crossed her arms.

“Sorry about that.” He smiled,

“What was that about?” She demanded.

“Just some family trouble.” He smiled, “I’m sorry you got stuck in the middle of it.” He pulled her close and tried to get her to dance again. She pulled away and frowned.

“KERI! Let’s go!” A drunken yell sounded over the music.

“I have to go.” She said stepping back. Half of her made her want to step towards him, but the anger that had been his eyes kept her from it.

“Can I meet you for coffee or something later?” He asked stepping towards her again.

“I don’t know.” She muttered, “I’ve got my own troubles to deal with.”

“Please,” He said stepping towards her again.

“Fine, but just for coffee.” She replied, she scribbled her number on a napkin and handed it to him turning and walking towards the rest of her group She couldn’t get him out of her mind as she drove home. No matter what she couldn’t forget Ryder’s soft eyes and handsome features. Not matter how hard she tried she couldn’t forget him. Even as she slowly laid down in her bed after striping her clothes off and replacing them with a halter top and shorts he still filled her mind. She tried to think of something else. Like the fact that there were two weeks until she went home, two weeks until she could ride again, feel free again. Two weeks until there would be no way of Ryder finding her.

The thought made a sad sob choke at her throat. Could she have really found a guy she trusted and completely leave him to never see him again. She shivered and crawled farther down under her covers. She would have to think about something else. Something less depressing, something like the way she seemed to melt under his soft gaze. Any memory of his hard eyes had long sense been forgotten and her vivid imagination was hard at work. She knew she wanted to see him again, Get to know more about him.
"And you wonder why we don't like you!" -Trumpkin
.
.
Vist my world and make it bigger!
Want a Readers crit???
  





User avatar
107 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2384
Reviews: 107
Sat Mar 29, 2008 3:48 am
day tripper says...



Yeah, see, now I seriously am diggin' this!(:
It makes me crave more.
See, if you keep a relationship between a boy and girl
low, the more the reader wants to read because the more
they want to read until they get to the part they kiss.
When they kiss, the reader feels satisfied and doesn't
really want to read anymore.
So when you keep them hanging like that, they keep reading.
(:


Great job!
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.
  





User avatar
169 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1544
Reviews: 169
Wed Apr 09, 2008 11:31 pm
Lethero says...



she was only a foot shorter [s]then[/s] than him.

Than not then. Check over grammar whether it be a Grammar checker or yourself.

She had known he wouldn’t [s]though[/s],

It could do without the though.

Two guys stood there, arms crossed, faces hard

Where is 'there' is it by the entrence or directly behind. Readers need refrences.

She wanted to walk away to never see the guy and his friends again, but for some reason she couldn’t.

Doesn't sound right in the bolded area. Please reword it.

Keri didn’t know what to think, she just stood there, [s]stund[/s] stunned.

Spell check.

Like I said in the first review, I'm not into the mushy-mush stuff so I can't help you with that, but I will help you with what grammar I can. It sounds good so far, but you want to draw the reader in more. My eyes started to water while reading this, but that is from staring at the computer screen. You want tears to come to the readers eyes out of pity, not eye-strain.
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*
  





User avatar
11 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 11
Sun Apr 13, 2008 1:53 pm
HarmonicWriting says...



I'm more drawn into this than before. I really want to know what Ryder's secret is and what he's looking for. The romance in this is good because if they had kissed already, it would have lost some suspense.

Before posting, I'd suggest a grammar and spell check because there seems to be quite a lot of little mistakes.

Keep up the good work!

-Harmony
  





User avatar
55 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 55
Mon Apr 14, 2008 9:02 pm
Vampy_Girl15 says...



Keri looked at the guy surprised, and was about to ask him who they were, but she didn’t have time for they were already there. The girl glared at Keri and she felt her arms move to her side. She moved away from the guy, he sent her a hurt look, but faced the group.

Where you say 'the guy' it's Ryder right? If it is I think you should put 'Ryder' because it gets a little confusing. Other than that it sounded great i love this so far. I can't wait to see what his 'kind' is...
Some say laughing is the best medicine but what do you do when you can't laugh anymore?

Multiple personalities are just good social skills.
  








Be the annoying goose you want to see in the world.
— Welcome to Night Vale