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Jean - Part 2



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Wed Jan 23, 2008 1:39 pm
LoveableLittleSock says...



“So… you want to over this material later?” Vivienne asked. Both of them stood on the outside steps of the school as the other children waited for their rides home. Luc shrugged.

“I guess. I don’t have anything else to do since I had to cancel most of my after-school activities.” Vivienne’s gaze shifted over to her feet.

“I’m… getting picked up in a couple of minutes. Why don’t you come over and we could look at it?” Luc looked up at her and back down at his pocket, reaching for his phone. “Nice phone.” She admired. “Where’d you get it?”

Luc studied his phone. “This?” he asked. “My dad got it…” he swallowed and rubbed his forehead, closing his eyes. “Christmas. I got it for Christmas.” Vivienne smiled weakly and nodded at the phone.

“You gunna call your mom? Tell her you’re coming home with us?” Luc nodded and punched in some numbers on his cell.

“Hello? Mom?” Vivienne rocked her body gently, eyes kept on her classmate. “Yeah, uh, can I go home with one of my friends today?” He glanced at Vivienne. “Who? Um, my friend Vivienne. Yes, it’s a girl’s name. No, I am not dating her. That doesn’t make me gay, mom! For all you know she could be really ugly. Mom…” the phone was taken away from him before he could say anything else.

“Ms. LeFevre?” Vivienne spat at Luc, who folded his arms. “Yes, Luc is coming home with me. We are to do some homework together, because he’s having some trouble with quadratic equations.” She held the phone away from her ear and handed it to Luc. “She wants to talk to you.”

“Viv was kidding, mom! Calm down – deep breaths. I’m acing math, like always… You can’t determine how someone looks by their voice, mom! Look, I swear, Vivienne is totally horrendous. She’s got wooden teeth and greasy hair, and she’s really short – but she tries to hide that by wearing heels. Mom – AH!” Luc’s face met Vivienne’s palm in a split second. He stumbled for a moment and caught his balance.

“Lorraine’s here.” She glared daggers at the brunette, jerking him towards her. She opened the door and threw him into the back seat, his head hitting the roof of the car. “Lorraine, meet Luc. He’s coming home with us today.” An attractive blonde woman sat at the drivers’ seat and cast a glance at Luc.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Luc.” Luc rubbed his head and nodded at Lorraine.

“Yes, she slapped me. What do you mean, I can’t blame her? Just… mom… I’ll…” he sighed. “She wants to talk to you, Ms. Martin.” He handed the phone to Lorraine. “Where did Vivienne go?” he asked, peeking his head out of the car.

“She went to get Gracie.” She told him. “I’m Lorraine, Vivienne’s guardian. How are you Sarah?” Luc scooted over a couple inches, towards the window. He took his backpack and dropped into onto the car floor, stepping on it to make room for his feet.

“Luc!” Vivienne called out his name as she slid into the car. Luc turned to her and smiled.

“Hey, where’d you go?” he asked her. As if on cue, a fairly attractive brunette jumped into the BMW. He scratched his head and made eye contact with the girl. “Uh, hi.” He greeted.

The girl smiled and shook his hand. “Hey. The name’s Gracie, sweetheart.” She winked. Luc looked down to hide his reddening cheeks. Gracie turned to Vivienne. “Who’s he, Viv?” Vivienne looked over at her classmate.

“Eh, Luc. Say “Hi”, Luc.” She told him. He looked up at her and smiled.

“Hi, Gracie.” He smiled back. Lorraine chuckled quietly and started up the car. Her hand stretched over to the back of the car and dropped the phone on Luc’s lap.

“Your mom’s a nice lady, hun.” Luc laughed uncomfortably as the car drove off. “So, Vivienne, you never told me why you threw your classmate into my car. Care to tell me why?” Vivienne widened her eyes.

“Yeah, you have a point there.” Lorraine nodded. “Well, you see mommy, Ms. Goldman gave me a note… that you should read.” Her eyebrow rose.

“You in trouble, Viv?” she asked, the volume in her voice rising. Vivienne shook her head hastily.

“No, no! It’s just… you know how I’m the smartest student in the school?” Luc cleared his throat. “Shut up.” She hissed. “Ms. G thought that me and Luc here should tutor this kid who, you know, can’t come back to school.” Lorraine turned her head and looked at her with suspicion. “Apparently.” She added. “That’s what… she said… you know…”

“Yeah. She spoke to us before you picked us up.” Luc piped in. “Me and Viv were hoping to go over some of the material we were supposed to, you know, teach him.” Lorraine gave him a look with equal suspicion. “Apparently.” He gulped.

“I see.” She turned around and spun the steering wheel around, pulling into a gravel driveway. “Where’s that letter your principal gave you?” she asked as the door popped open. Vivienne rummaged through her bag and got it out. Lorraine swiped it from her hands and shut the car door.

Luc opened his own door and stepped out, followed by Vivienne. Lorraine was already at the steps, shoving the key into the lock. “Is your mom alright?” he asked. “She seems mad.” Vivienne shrugged.

“She might have had problems at the restaurant. Some horribly snobbish people go in there.” She sighed and ignored it. “Come on in.” she offered, advancing towards her home. Luc followed her into the house.

Lorraine was sitting at the dining room table, reading the note. She looked up at Vivienne distressfully. “You’re going to be gone every afternoon?” she asked sadly. “Viv, you can’t do this. I need you around the house.” She whined.

Vivienne sighed. “It’ll look good on college applications. And you know, it’s all for a good cause.” Lorraine wasn’t convinced.

“You aren’t doing it.” She told her stubbornly. Vivienne folded her arms.

“Yes, I am.” She argued. Luc stepped back and went to find Gracie, not wanting to get involved.

“No, you aren’t.” Her voice became louder.

“What is wrong with you?” Vivienne screamed. “All I want to do is tutor a kid so I can get into a good college! Why do you have such a problem with that?” She turned around furiously and stomped towards her room.

Lorraine’s bottom lip quivered as she ran her hand through her hair. She sighed, “Gracie’s father came to the restaurant.” Vivienne stopped in her tracks. “He… refused to leave unless he saw her. I had to call the police to get rid of him.” She buried her face in her hands, hot tears staining the rug. “Only if your mother was here, Viv – she would know how to handle this.”

Daphne sighed, dropping her briefcase onto her desk. “I have a problem.” She stated bluntly. He partner looked up from her work curiously. “You know that prosecutor Betsy?” she asked.


“Yeah, I know that bitch. Hate her guts, I do.” She responded, a thick Irish accent coating her words. “What about ‘er?” Daphne plopped into her chair, her hand slowly stroking her chin.

“I got into a fight with her. You know the usual ‘I’m better than you’ banter.” She frowned. “It turns out the woman is a freaking’ beast in tennis. She challenged me to match on the seventeenth and…” she ran her hand through her hair anxiously, “I cannot let her win. She would hold it over me for as long as I live.” She looked up. “You know any great tennis instructors, Marissa?” she asked.

Marissa swiveled in her chair thoughtfully. “There’s a Gym around the corner that has a tennis program. I could give you the number, if you like.” She told her. Daphne nodded.

“Great. I’ll go there tomorrow. You know how much they charge?” Marissa’s eyes shifted over to the ground. “Doesn’t matter – just give me the number.” Marissa swiveled over to her own desk and scribbled down various numbers on a piece of loose-leaf. She handed it to Daphne, who folded it a couple times and shoved it into her pocket.

Sunday morning Daphne headed into the alleged Gym, approaching what appeared to be the main desk. “Hey.” She greeted. “I’m hoping to participate in your tennis program?” the man looked up at her and back down at a pile of papers.

“Miss, I am afraid that to participate in the program you must have a membership.” He looked back up at her. “Would you care to sign up?” Daphne scratched her head and bit her lip. “It’s 30 Euros a month.”

She sighed. It wasn’t that bad. “Sure.” Anything to humiliate that bitch. “Give me the forms and I’ll fill them out.” He nodded and retrieved a bundle of papers for the mess on his desk. “Thanks.” She smiled and walked over to a blue leather couch. She sucked on the pen gently, examining the questions.
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Wed Jan 23, 2008 11:25 pm
SeraphTree says...



:D:D:D
*
“Nice phone.” She admired. “Where’d you get it?”

Luc studied his phone. “This?” he asked. “My dad got it…” he swallowed and rubbed his forehead, closing his eyes. “Christmas. I got it for Christmas.” Vivienne smiled weakly and nodded at the phone.

Hm. This sounds a bit too much. ;) Reveal some thoughts here: ‘Oh crap I crossed a line,’ Vivienne thought.’ etc.


“Hello? Mom?” Vivienne rocked her body gently, eyes kept on her classmate. “Yeah, uh, can I go home with one of my friends today?” He glanced at Vivienne. “Who? Um, my friend Vivienne. Yes, it’s a girl’s name. No, I am not dating her. That doesn’t make me gay, mom! For all you know she could be really ugly. Mom…” the phone was taken away from him before he could say anything else.

Make the dialogue into it’s own paragraph. Also, here^^^ you switch characters in the middle of the paragraph. Please, make ONE your main character. It gets very confusing.

“Ms. LeFevre?” Vivienne spat at Luc, who folded his arms. “Yes, Luc is coming home with me. We are to do some homework together, because he’s having some trouble with quadratic equations.” She held the phone away from her ear and handed it to Luc. “She wants to talk to you.”

This seems out of character for Vivi. Why is she making up the situation? What’s the motive behind that? Why wouldn’t they want her mom to know?

“Viv was kidding, mom! Calm down – deep breaths. I’m acing math, like always… You can’t determine how someone looks by their voice, mom! Look, I swear, Vivienne is totally horrendous. She’s got wooden teeth and greasy hair, and she’s really short – but she tries to hide that by wearing heels. Mom – AH!” Luc’s face met Vivienne’s palm in a split second. He stumbled for a moment and caught his balance.

Hm. This seems a bit strange. Why is his mom so paranoid? Hey!!! There’s nothing wrong with being short! *Seraph rubs her head tenderly*

“Lorraine’s here.” She glared daggers at the brunette, jerking him towards her. She opened the door and threw him into the back seat, his head hitting the roof of the car. “Lorraine, meet Luc. He’s coming home with us today.” An attractive blonde woman sat at the drivers’ seat and cast a glance at Luc.

This doesn’t make any sense. Who is glaring at who? Why is she being so rude to Luc again?

“Yes, she slapped me. What do you mean, I can’t blame her? Just… mom… I’ll…” he sighed. “She wants to talk to you, Ms. Martin.” He handed the phone to Lorraine. “Where did Vivienne go?” he asked, peeking his head out of the car.

This conversation isn’t making any sense. First his mom is paranoid, then she’s saying he deserves to be smacked??? What?????
Because there isn’t enough thoughts/ details from either character, we have no idea what is going on.

“She went to get Gracie.” She told him. “I’m Lorraine, Vivienne’s guardian. How are you Sarah?” Luc scooted over a couple inches, towards the window. He took his backpack and dropped into onto the car floor, stepping on it to make room for his feet.

“Luc!” Vivienne called out his name as she slid into the car. Luc turned to her and smiled.


????? She was just being really rude to him, and he’s happy to see her???

“Hey, where’d you go?” he asked her. As if on cue, a fairly attractive brunette jumped into the BMW. He scratched his head and made eye contact with the girl. “Uh, hi.” He greeted.

The girl smiled and shook his hand. “Hey. The name’s Gracie, sweetheart.” She winked. Luc looked down to hide his reddening cheeks. Gracie turned to Vivienne. “Who’s he, Viv?” Vivienne looked over at her classmate.

“Eh, Luc. Say “Hi”, Luc.” She told him. He looked up at her and smiled.

He just said hello a couple paragraphs ago. ;)

“Your mom’s a nice lady, hun.” Luc laughed uncomfortably as the car drove off. “So, Vivienne, you never told me why you threw your classmate into my car. Care to tell me why?” Vivienne widened her eyes.

The last sentence is irrelevant. :D

“Yeah, you have a point there.” Lorraine nodded. “Well, you see mommy, Ms. Goldman gave me a note… that you should read.” Her eyebrow rose.

This is confusing. It sounds like Lorraine is talking, not Vivi.

“No, no! It’s just… you know how I’m the smartest student in the school?” Luc cleared his throat. “Shut up.” She hissed. “Ms. G thought that me and Luc here should tutor this kid who, you know, can’t come back to school.” Lorraine turned her head and looked at her with suspicion. “Apparently.” She added. “That’s what… she said… you know…”

“Yeah. She spoke to us before you picked us up.” Luc piped in. “Me and Viv were hoping to go over some of the material we were supposed to, you know, teach him.” Lorraine gave him a look with equal suspicion. “Apparently.” He gulped.


Again, the dialogue should be it’s own paragraph. It sounds like Luc/Viv are still talking.

Lorraine was sitting at the dining room table, reading the note. She looked up at Vivienne distressfully. “You’re going to be gone every afternoon?” she asked sadly. “Viv, you can’t do this. I need you around the house.” She whined.

… Whined? I can’t imagine a grown woman whining at her teen daughter.

Vivienne sighed. “It’ll look good on college applications. And you know, it’s all for a good cause.” Lorraine wasn’t convinced.

“You aren’t doing it.” She told her stubbornly. Vivienne folded her arms.

“Yes, I am.” She argued. Luc stepped back and went to find Gracie, not wanting to get involved.

“No, you aren’t.” Her voice became louder.

“What is wrong with you?” Vivienne screamed. “All I want to do is tutor a kid so I can get into a good college! Why do you have such a problem with that?” She turned around furiously and stomped towards her room.


Uh, no she didn’t. She didn’t want to tutor Jean at all.
Also, this is a rather childish arguement. Please......... DO NOT have her stomp to her room. She sounds like a three year old.

Lorraine’s bottom lip quivered as she ran her hand through her hair. She sighed, “Gracie’s father came to the restaurant.” Vivienne stopped in her tracks. “He… refused to leave unless he saw her. I had to call the police to get rid of him.” She buried her face in her hands, hot tears staining the rug. “Only if your mother was here, Viv – she would know how to handle this.”

Again, I don’t see Lorraine doing this. The last sentence is confusing.

Daphne sighed, dropping her briefcase onto her desk. “I have a problem.” She stated bluntly. He partner looked up from her work curiously. “You know that prosecutor Betsy?” she asked.


“Yeah, I know that bitch. Hate her guts, I do.” She responded, a thick Irish accent coating her words. “What about ‘er?” Daphne plopped into her chair, her hand slowly stroking her chin.

“I got into a fight with her. You know the usual ‘I’m better than you’ banter.” She frowned. “It turns out the woman is a freaking’ beast in tennis. She challenged me to match on the seventeenth and…” she ran her hand through her hair anxiously, “I cannot let her win. She would hold it over me for as long as I live.” She looked up. “You know any great tennis instructors, Marissa?” she asked.

Marissa swiveled in her chair thoughtfully. “There’s a Gym around the corner that has a tennis program. I could give you the number, if you like.” She told her. Daphne nodded.

“Great. I’ll go there tomorrow. You know how much they charge?” Marissa’s eyes shifted over to the ground. “Doesn’t matter – just give me the number.” Marissa swiveled over to her own desk and scribbled down various numbers on a piece of loose-leaf. She handed it to Daphne, who folded it a couple times and shoved it into her pocket.

Sunday morning Daphne headed into the alleged Gym, approaching what appeared to be the main desk. “Hey.” She greeted. “I’m hoping to participate in your tennis program?” the man looked up at her and back down at a pile of papers.

“Miss, I am afraid that to participate in the program you must have a membership.” He looked back up at her. “Would you care to sign up?” Daphne scratched her head and bit her lip. “It’s 30 Euros a month.”

She sighed. It wasn’t that bad. “Sure.” Anything to humiliate that bitch. “Give me the forms and I’ll fill them out.” He nodded and retrieved a bundle of papers for the mess on his desk. “Thanks.” She smiled and walked over to a blue leather couch. She sucked on the pen gently, examining the questions.


These last paragraphs are confusing. What’s the point of them? Who are these people?
*

Overall, I think you can do better with this. It was confusing, and rather vague. I mean, we have no idea what time it is, where it takes place, etc.
We still don't know either character very well at all. Please remember, we know NOTHING about either of them ;)
Please choose one perspective at a time. You can have one reference the other, i.e. "I can't believe he/she did that..." etc.
Please continue this though. :D:D:D I am curious about what's going on. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D PM me if you need anything. :D
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