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Expect the Unexpected- Chapters Thirteen and Fourteen



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Sun Nov 18, 2007 8:41 pm
Chaotic Romance says...



Well, I think I've waited long enough to post the next two chapters.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

“David what did you do with the girl?” Darren stood in the doorway of the former boy's room.

David glanced up from what he happened to be doing, which was reading a novel of some sorts, “What are you talking about?” he asked.

Darren rolled his eyes, “Where is she?” he asked, sounding annoyed.

“Where’s who?” the boy asked, sounding genuinely confused.

“David, don’t play dumb with me. The girl is gone. Where is she?” he asked, sounding a little angry at the boy's tactics of playing stupid.

“What makes you think I know?”

Darren sighed, this was taking far longer then it needed to.“Because you’re the one that likes to play games with her and mess with her head. It seems only logical that you would take her somewhere and mess with her head even more.” Darren explained.

“Well, hate to burst your bubble, but I haven’t seen her since I brought her to you earlier this afternoon.” David shrugged.

“David…” Darren growled warningly at the boy in front of him.

“I’m serious!” David, said rather defensively, “I don’t have her, nor do I know where she is!” he opened his book and began reading again, but suddenly stopped when he realized what he had just said.

He glanced up at Darren, who stood somewhat paralyzed in the doorway. His face was drained of all color, and he looked like he was going to be sick. Something had to have happened to her, that David was sure of.

“Shit.” Darren muttered under his breath, glaring at nothing in particular. “I was so hoping that you had her somewhere, David. You were my last hope… if you don’t have her then… she could have only done two things… ran away, which I highly doubt, or Carson and his gang, got hold of her… Damnit.” This was just great, Carson would quite possible have her killed on the spot. This just ruined everything. Because when her father came and discovered that they no longer had his daughter with them... well, then what would happen next would not be very pretty. And that was putting it nicely.

“David, I want you to go to her house, right now… to make sure she’s not there. Who knows? She could have escaped. Afterwards, search wherever you think she could be. Come back once you’re through. I don’t expect you to find her, but if you do, bring her back. If she did in fact escape, she will have hell to pay.” He swiftly turned on his heel and left David alone to prepare to leave to find the girl.

But, he knew, he already knew, that they had gotten her. And he was quite certain that she was as good as dead now.
___________________________________________________________________

Elizabeth opened her eyes, groggily a few hours later. She had been kidnapped. Again. She was really starting to think that God was mad at her. To be kidnapped not once but twice, in the same week?! That must be some sort of record, not one that she is at all proud of.

Once she could see clearly she glanced around, trying to get a good look at her surroundings. Not that there was much to see since it was pitch black in the room. Meaning, she really couldn't see that much in the first place. She did notice rather quickly, that she was not tied to the floor or the wall. That was all she could really tell until her eyes adjusted, once they did she noticed that she was in quite a large room. She saw the outlines of what looked to be machines of some sort, but it was too dark to tell much more and she didn't feel like getting up and exploring the place. Knowing her something bad would happen, because something bad always did. She did look around for a door, but the room was too big and it was hard to tell where the door actually was. But, she figured it was locked anyway.

She sighed as she laid down on the cold, stone floor. Though the floor was too hard to actually sleep on, it was a good place to think about all that had happened over the past few days. She had been kidnapped by one vampire clan, whom happened to want her father, and just when she got somewhat settled in there, one of their own members proceeded to whack her upside the head and proceeded to bring her to God only knew where…

She could only guess that if they took her it was because of her father as well. And she found herself cursing her father for getting her into this mess in the first place.

She was suddenly broken from her thoughts when she heard the sound of keys jingling right outside the door, which she noticed was across from where she was laying. She heard a key in the lock and sat up quickly, leaning against the wall.

She watched as a figure stepped in, it was too dark and they were too far for her to tell what sex they happened to be. But, the person soon answered her unspoken question, when they finally spoke, “Ah, I see you’ve awakened.” the now known boy said, “I was starting to worry that Jake had hit you a little too hard.”

“Who are you?” she asked, actually trying to stop her voice from shaking and actually succeeding for once.

“Me? I am your worst nightmare.” the boy said menacingly.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. “That still doesn’t answer my question.”

“I didn’t intend for it to do so.” he whispered right into her ear. Making her jump in surprise at the sudden closeness they happened to be in.

She tried to scoot away from him, but he prevented that easily by grabbing onto her shoulders and pinning her to the wall. Rather roughly, making her cry out at the sudden pain that shot up from her back.

“Don’t.” he started, “Try to do that again.” He sounded quite angry. At what? What’d she do? All she had tried to do was get away from him and any sane person would have tried to do that. Seeing as how he was psycho, or at least seemed to be. And probably was.

He suddenly grabbed her throat and pinned her to the wall. She gasped as she tired to breath, as he growled, “I wouldn’t think such thoughts if I were you.” He loosened his grip on her neck, a little, but still held her, so she could still barely move. “It’s not very nice. And it will do nothing more then make me angry.” his grip loosened again, but he still held her in a very painful grip.

“Do I make myself clear?” he asked.

Elizabeth didn’t answer right away and found that she wished she had because the room was suddenly illuminated, and she found herself in what looked to be a medieval torture chamber. She didn’t even give herself a chance to look around. And to be honest, she really didn’t want to look around.

She instead looked at the boy who happened to be standing before her and still holding her by the neck. He looked to be just a few years older then her, but she knew what he was and she knew that he was a hell of a lot older then he looked. She studied him, putting his face to memory, though she didn’t know why she did it, but there she was studying him. He had hazel eyes, that at this very moment were burning with an inner flame, as well as brown hair that was so dark it looked black in the lighting. He stood at least a foot taller then her. She had to crane her neck in order to look at him properly.

He glared at her, “I said: do I make myself clear?” the boy snarled, his grip on her neck tightened once more and she found it rather hard to breathe again. He slammed her rather hard into the stone wall behind her. She gasped at the action. And winced at the pain her head and her back were now in thanks to the boys little temper problem.

“Yes.” she mumbled.

“What was that?” he asked, as his grip loosened once more. He brought her towards him, by her neck, as if to push her back into the wall behind her, but instead he waited for her to respond, holding her neck in an uncomfortable grip that was impossible for her to get out of without hurting herself.

“Yes.” she said, considerably louder this time. So, she was quite sure that he had heard her.

He let go of her and smirked, “Good.”

He stepped away from her and proceeded to inspect her, up and down. His eyes, no longer looked angry, instead they held curiosity as they looked her up and down, several times. Elizabeth crossed her arms over her chest, in a very protective way. He chuckled at the action but didn't stop her nor did he bring her hands back down to rest on her sides. He had no intention of doing anything remotely sexual with the girl, but she didn't know that. So, if she wanted to cover herself that was fine by him, he wasn't interested anyway.

He then grabbed her shoulders quite roughly and brought her farther from the wall and began walking around her, inspecting her even more that way as well.

Elizabeth didn't know what he was doing, but she was too scared to ask him.

She nearly jumped when she felt his head far too close to her neck then she felt comfortable with. He chuckled slightly at her reaction, “I’m not going to bite you, as long as you do what I say.”

He was behind her so he didn’t see the death glare that she happened to want to send his way.

With his head a few inches from her neck, he began questioning her. Playing his own game of twenty questions. “What’s your name?” he asked.

“Elizabeth.” she found herself answering before she could think better of it.

“Elizabeth.” He repeated, “A beautiful name.” she blushed at the comment and thanked God that he couldn’t see her face. “Named after your grandmother, no doubt.” Was the thing he said that surprised her.

“How did you-?”

“I know many things, Elizabeth, you’d be surprised.” he said as he came to stand in front of her once more. “How old are you?”

“Sixteen.” yet again answering before she thought better of it.

“Sixteen, huh? Hmmm… younger then I expected. Especially for a girl that David has his eyes one… he usually goes for females that are in their twenties. But, you are far from being twenty; yet, David is still somewhat attracted to you.” he explained, sounding somewhat confused.

“How-?” she started but he interrupted her before she could finish by placing his index finger on her mouth and preventing her from speaking another word.

“I guess that Darren never discovered that they had a traitor in their midst.” The boy smirked, “That Jake boy was working for us, we had heard that Darren was planning on doing something, we knew he had plans of some sort so we sent Jake in and he discovered that they were planning on kidnapping you. Someone we wanted, just as much as they did. Possibly more, since your father happened to betray this very clan.”

She looked at him, confused for a few moments. “Yes, Elizabeth, you’re father was part of this clan for many years, I might add. But, then he left us and decided to join Darren’s, group, for God only knows what reason. I never really knew his motives for doing such a thing. Though it was only a few years later that he ended up turning his back on his kind when he met that witch.” he snarled the word out. “That woman meant so much to him, it was pathetic. And quite gross to watch. He killed most of Darren’s clan as well as most of mine. He weakened us to the point where we were not ready to fight him for doing such a thing, and by the time we were he was already long gone. But, I waited, we all did. We all knew that he would return eventually. Due to the notion that vampires have to leave a place after a certain period of time due to their eating habits, we knew that he would be back here and that was what we were hoping for so that we could get our revenge on him

“But, of course Darren got hold of you first. And it only took him a few moments to realize what had happened and he along with the family hightailed it out of here. So, that’s why you were taken, we want retribution first. Hell, I think we deserve it. And don’t worry; we won’t kill you if he doesn’t show up. We, after all, just want him. We’ll find another way to get hold of him, I promise.” Elizabeth didn’t believe him and simply chose to glare at him some more.

“Fine, don’t believe me.” he smirked, “But that won’t change anything, especially your new situation.”

He crossed his arms over his chest before he finally spoke again, “My name is Kyle and I’m…” he paused, obviously looking for the right words to describe himself to her. “You’re 'Master', at least for the time being. That means that you are mine.” She glared at him, there was no way in hell that she was his! She belonged to no one.

She opened her mouth to yell at him, but he placed his hand over her mouth preventing her from doing so. He continued talking as if she had not even tried to interrupt him. Though, he never took his hand off her mouth as he spoke, making it slightly hard to breathe, since his hand was covering her nose as well.

“Meaning you’re mine, and I can do whatever I like to you. I can make you do whatever I want, when and where I want you to do it. Don’t worry, my dear, as long as you are a good girl, I won’t have to waste my time with these silly machines.” he waved his hand nonchalantly towards the numerous machines spread around the room. “Though every time you do something wrong, or disobey me, or anyone here for that matter, there will be consequences, and trust me those consequences are not fun. Are you with me so far?”

She nodded, unable to speak due to his hand still on her mouth.

“Good, you’re smarter then you look.” she glared at him, but didn’t say anything and that was really because she couldn’t because of his hand.

He smirked, “I can make your time nice here or I can make it a living hell. It’s all up to you and how you behave. Be good, and we’ll have no problems. Be bad, and we will have problems” he tightened his grip on her mouth, making her cry out from the pain it brought. “I do not want to have to hurt you, but I will if I have to.” With one finally push, he released her face from his grip and she found herself breathing in the oxygen that was now available to her.

“Now, it’s time that I show you to your new room.” He turned on his heel and began walking away from her and towards the door. “Come. And don’t even bother running away, this place is a labyrinth, you’ll never find the outside door.” he said knowingly as he reached the door and turned around to face her.

She watched him for a few moments. “Get over here, now” he snarled, clearly getting impatient with her stalling. “Don’t make me do something that you will obviously regret later.” he threatened, sending a very menacing glare her way.

She gulped as she stepped towards him and he smiled at her, “Good.” he muttered as he opened the door for her and waited for her to go out before he followed and they made their way down the dimly lit hallway.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Darren looked somewhat hopefully at the people that stood before him.

He had sent as many people off as he could to find the girl, but as he looked around he could tell that there was no luck. She had been taken by Carson’s group, and he was quite curious as to how they could have gotten hold of her. Better yet, how did they even know that they had her? It wasn’t like he bragged about it…

Which could only leave on explanation... someone was here that shouldn’t be… and now that he thought about it, the person that was last to see her, he had not seen for quite awhile...

He had discovered her disappearance when he went down to talk to her about something. And was quite surprised to find that she was not in her cell nor was she anywhere else that he thought would be only logical to check, like the bathroom or a hallway or something.

He sighed as he closed his eyes and held the bridge of his nose. “Well, I think you all know what has to be done now.” He glanced around the room. “We have to find her.”

“But, sir, we don’t know where there clan house is located.” One of the younger boys stated.

“I know Erick, but if we get enough people. We could have enough eyes to find where they are and in turn find her.” Darren answered, “Her father will be here in any day now. And she has to be here. He’s going to want to see her and if we can’t deliver, he’ll just leave and then we won’t get anything.” Scanning the room, he glanced at David, whom sat near one of the corners near the door.

“Well, David, since you seem to be so fond of her, I’ll put you in charge of setting up a search party.”

“I am not fond of her.” was all David said to that.

Darren looked at him, “That’s not the point, David.” he sounded bored, “Now, go.” He shooed the group out.

David was the last to leave, but before he did so he turned around and crossed his arms over his chest. “Just so we’re clear, I do not like her.”

“Just go David.” Darren muttered, “I have enough to worry about without you practically ruining everything.”

“Fine.” David said before he stalked out, now in a not so good mood.
___________________________________________________________________

Elizabeth glanced around her. The boy had kindly dropped her off in her new room and proceeded to leave her alone without speaking another word to her. So, here she sat in another dungeon like room, except this time it was bare of any form of torture device. Elizabeth shuddered at the thought and thanked God that she was at least out of there. That room just made her feel very uncomfortable.

She felt around and discovered that there was a small cot in one of the corners of the room. And even though it smelled of things that Elizabeth did not even want to think about, it was better then the cold stone floor. Albeit not by much, but it was better.

She sighed. She had no idea of where the boy had gone or when he planned to return to her. Not that she cared, if he ever did or not. He was just like David, possibly worse. At least David didn’t get pissed if she didn’t answer him fast enough and he sure as hell hadn’t threatened to maim her. Well, okay, he had. But that was because he was provoked, so Elizabeth would give him the benefit of the doubt in that situation.

This other boy on the other hand, seemed to have such a big ego, that he deemed it appropriate to get all pissy, if she didn’t do something that he wanted in a timely manner. At least David didn’t do that…

The more she thought about it, the more she realized that this was not a very good position to be in… if this boy was meaner then David was- which she was starting to think was the case- what would happen if she got him really pissed off? She shuddered; she really didn’t want to know…

Best do what he says, so to keep his temper at bay.

She sighed again, as she leaned against the wall. She just hoped she wouldn’t have to put up with it for long. She was not the type of girl to take orders from anyone, even if they had a temper problem and were powerful enough to kill her. She just wouldn’t do it. She would not be told what to do or be a doormat for others to walk all over. It wasn't like her to be.

Hopefully- and she could not believe that she was even thinking ­this- David or someone would rescue her soon before she completely cracked and tried to kill the boy.

She didn’t like the former, but he sure was better then the bastard she currently found herself with.
___________________________________________________________________

David growled as he left Darren’s office and headed to his room. How dare he say such a thing! He was not fond of that- that girl! Sure, she was good looking, but come on, she was not that good looking and Darren knew that he could do a hell of a lot better then that.

Why the hell did he put him in charge of this stupid search party? Was it his fault that Carson’s group got hold of her? Of course it wasn’t. It wasn't like he had handed her to them. So, why was he being punished for it?

He already knew the answer… Darren thought that there was something between the two of them and thus, figured that that would spur David to search harder for her. Like hell it would. He couldn’t stand that girl.

And if it weren’t for the fact that they needed her for when her father showed up he would have just let them keep the annoying little brat. Hell, he didn’t want her. She was a pain in his ass; even if she was kind of fun to play with. He liked to watch her squirm and liked to see her eyes light up in anger when he brought up certain things.

She was quite entertaining, but that’s as far as any relationship between the two would escalate to. He had never fallen in love with a human girl and he was not going to do so now. Even if, technically she wasn't human, but she wasn't a full fledge vampire either... so she was just as off limits as a human was. Maybe more so because he never went after halflings.

Screw the kiss that they had shared earlier, it meant nothing. And he would smack anyone who said otherwise.
___________________________________________________________________

Elizabeth yawned as she opened her eyes. Somehow, she had fallen asleep, how she had managed to do that, she didn’t know. But, somehow she managed to fall asleep on that lumpy thing, she didn't consider it a mattress, it was too old and uncomfortable. She grimaced as she sat up. She now had a crick in her neck and her back hurt from sleeping on that thing. She leaned against the wall, trying to make the pain more bearable. It didn't really help and she groaned in frustration.

“Well… it’s about time that you woke up, I was getting quite worried.” a voice said from somewhere in the darkness.

Elizabeth jumped and looked around frantically- forgetting the pain that she was in for a second- for the owner of the voice, but it was too dark to see anything, even an outline. “What do you want?” she asked, she didn’t have to see him to know who it was. She flinched at the pain that shot up her spine as well as the pain that she felt in her neck. She immediately regretted moving her head.

He chuckled softly, “Well, I see that you still have it in you to fight.” he paused for a moment and Elizabeth thought that he had disappeared and left her alone, “I like that in a girl.” he muttered in her ear, making her jump and wince at the pain.

She glanced towards her right and her eyes met hazel. She scooted away from him in fright and nearly fell off the little cot in the process. He chuckled again, making her glare at him, “Go away.” she said, rudely.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.” She could hear the smirk in his voice.

He hadn’t moved closer to her, but she still didn’t trust him, so she sat in a very defensive position, ready to strike if he decided to try anything.

“I need to talk to you.” he finally said after several long moments of silence.

She scoffed, “And what could you possible have to say to me?” she asked, looking at his outline skeptically. She had to guess where his face was since it was hard to tell, due to the lack of lighting.

“You’d be surprised.” he muttered.

He was quiet for a few moments and when he spoke again, Elizabeth jumped because he happened to be right next to her. This time he prevented her from moving by grabbing on to her shoulders and pinning her between himself and the wall. Elizabeth cursed her stupidity for backing herself into a corner. And grimaced as she was once again reminded of how comfortable the cot wasn't when it came to sleeping.

“Now, we can do this the hard way or the easy way.” he said, she shuddered at the feeling of his breath on her forehead, but it couldn’t have really been, could it? He was dead and therefore, didn’t breathe, right? “Though I wouldn’t mind doing it the hard way, but I really don’t think you want that, now do you?” he asked.

Elizabeth breathing quickened as she realized what kind of situation she found herself in. He was close, very close. It reminded her of the kiss that she and David had shared only a few days before.

“I will do what you want as long as you get away from me.” she said finally after several moments of silence.

“What makes you think I’ll oblige?” he asked, not moving away, but instead moving closer to her and scaring her to the point where she was almost hyperventilating from the closeness.

It took her a few moments to find her voice and when she did, she answered him, “Because otherwise, I won’t cooperate at all.”

“Well, then I’ll make you cooperate.” he snarled, “Besides, I like this position. I can smell your fear. Its dripping off of you and its quite intoxicating.” He inhaled deeply as if to signify his point.

Elizabeth shuddered at his actions and nearly cried out in surprise when she felt his head hovering over her neck in a perfect position to bite her. She tried to jerk away, but found that he still held her shoulders, making getting away near impossible.

He chuckled softly again, “How can you be so frightened of being bitten, especially with a vampire for a father?” he questioned.

“My father is not a vampire.” she said. Yea, she wasn't really ready to admit something like that, and she probably never would until she heard it straight from her father’s mouth. And even then she probably wouldn't believe it.

“In denial, I see.” he muttered as he began tracing random patterns on her shoulder as well as her arm. His mouth had yet to move from its position over her neck.

“Get away from me.” she said as she tried to jerk away from his grip, but that just made him hold on to her tighter and she was quite sure the skin would bruise.

“No, I happen to like this position, it scares the shit out of you, I can tell. And I like that.” she could tell that he was smirking, even if she couldn't see his face all that well.

Elizabeth glared straight ahead of her as the boy continued to bother her with his head and hands. She knew too well that trying to pull away would be a rather stupid and useless.

“Didn't you come down here to talk to me?” she asked.

He nodded with a slight “uh-huh.”

“Then would you please say what you have to say and leave?” she asked, but she was very much aware of the fact that he probably wouldn’t listen to her.

She sighed in relief when she felt his head leave her neck and come so that he was sitting in front of her. He still had his arms pinning her to the wall, but at least now she was a lot more comfortable with her current situation. And could actually breathe normally once more. “Thank you.” she muttered softly.

“For what?” he asked, he knew what she was talking about, he just wanted to hear her say it.

“For taking your mouth away from my neck and not biting me.” she said just as softly as before.

He didn’t speak for a few moments and she could feel his eyes upon her, watching her for a few moments. “Well, I think I found the perfect scare tactic to use on you.” Even though it was dark, she could tell he was smirking, yet again.

And quite suddenly, the room was flooded with light, blinding Elizabeth for a few moments as she had gotten use to the pitch blackness.

Once her eyes had adjusted, all she could see was a pair of hazel eyes that were way too close for comfort. She tried to back away but found that her head was already against the wall and that there was no where to go.

He laughed at her failed attempts to get away from him

He leaned in closer to her and Elizabeth readied herself to slap him if he got any closer to her mouth. She was not going to have a repeat of that kiss that she and David had shared.

He stopped and stared at her, then leaned back as far as he could go without taking his arms off her shoulders.

He had a look of shock on his face as he stared at her for what could have been at least ten minutes.

“He kissed you?” he asked, shocked.

Elizabeth very well knew who he happened to be talking about. What she didn’t know was how he knew. “How did-?”

He interrupted her, “I can read your thoughts, just like any other vampire can do.” he said. She was actually surprised that he said anything; she had expected him to either lie or not tell her anything.

“I do tell the truth on occasion.” he smirked; he had read her mind again.

“Stay out of my head!” she snarled. “You nosy little-”

“I would be nice, if I were you.” He tsked her, “I know I can’t kill you, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t injure you… permanently.” he threatened.

Elizabeth gulped slightly, but that was the only fear that she would let show. Though, she shouldn’t have tried to hide it, she was very much aware of the fact that he could smell her fear anyway.

“So… David likes you more then I thought he did…” he said, “He doesn’t usually kiss a girl so quickly after meeting her, you know.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, watching him carefully.

“I mean, that you are that much more valuable to him.” He said, “He obviously cares about you.” he said.

“He does not!” Elizabeth said far too quickly. He raised his eyebrows at her.

“I happen to have known David for quite a long time… and I know when he likes a girl.” he looked at her, a very knowing look in his eye.

She looked at him, “Excuse me?” she asked. Wondering how in the world he could have known that egotistical bastard when they weren’t even part of the same clan group.

He smirked, and she already knew that he had read her mind, again. She glared at him but didn’t say anything. “I have to agree with you, he is a bastard. But I can tell you return the feelings.”

“I do not!” she gasped in shock. Wondering when he was going to be asking those questions that he said he would be asking a few minutes before. Because they sounded a lot better then where this conversation was currently going in.

He gave her a small smile that said quite clearly that he did not believe her.

And even though she wasn’t ready to admit it yet, she was starting to think that maybe she didn’t believe it either.
"Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault." - Dr. David M. Burns

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Sun Nov 18, 2007 10:28 pm
EliteHusky says...



I'm not a big fan of Ramantic Fiction but despite that and the fact the chapters were a bit lengthy, you did a resonably well job explaining the details which made some parts stand out more than others.

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Fri Nov 23, 2007 4:07 pm
Night Mistress says...



interesting.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Sat Dec 01, 2007 4:13 pm
chayonz says...



yay! again.

Oh just one thing.

I noticed that Darren seems to get a bit nicer...in my opinion towards this part of the story. It shows that he isn't just a cold hearted bastard. nice.
h a y o n :)

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Sun Dec 16, 2007 5:30 am
sokool15 says...



Hey, pretty good! I really don't have any new critiques with this chapter. Just that one sentence problem that I see consistently throughout all your chapters...it's like you're not sure where to begin and end each sentence or something. You have some sentences that go on way too long, some that are fragments, and some that start in the middle of sentences. I'm not exactly sure what you could do about this consistent problem, besides read over it aloud, compare it with published novels you enjoy, and hire an editor to go over the novel with a fine-toothed comb and a red pen. :wink:

Anyway, as I said before, not much new to say! You're developing the story nicely (frustrating that she got kidnapped AGAIN!) and doing well on character development. I'm really starting to understand how the characters are thinking and acting.

She watched as a figure stepped in, it was too dark and they were too far for her to tell what sex they happened to be. But, the person soon answered her unspoken question, when they finally spoke, “Ah, I see you’ve awakened.” the now known boy said, “I was starting to worry that Jake had hit you a little too hard.”


This paragraph demonstrates a problem that also seems to be a bit consistent throughout your chapters: wordiness. I must admit, I'm not exactly an expert on brevity myself, but in a lot of your sentences you're repeating yourself, or spending too much time emphasizing an unimportant fact. For instance: the sex of the person who's talking. Er...do we care? Or, if you really think it's important, cut it down a lot!

REVISION:
She walked as a figure stepped in. It was too dark to see whether it was a man or a woman, but she discovered the truth as soon as she heard the deep, gravelly voice. "Ah, I see you've awakened."

etc.

It's not very good, but see what I mean? You don't need several sentences to describe one insignificant fact.

Anyway, have fun with that! Sorry this critique is not so long as the rest - but that means you're doing good! :D Cheerio!

~MademoiselleKool
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
  








The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
— Amelia Earhart