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Expect the Unexpected- Chapters Eleven and Twelve



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Fri Nov 09, 2007 4:42 am
Chaotic Romance says...



EDIT: This has been edited, thanks to socool15 for all the helpful pointers!

So, I've decided to post the rest of this story two chapters at a time, just really to save space on here. So here are both chapter eleven and twelve:
_____________________________________________

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Elizabeth sighed as she sat in the bathtub, not ten minutes later. It felt good to sink as low as she could in the warm water. It had been awhile since she had bathed, that was made obvious when she had touched her hair, which had felt greasy and stringy. Her hair usually got that way if she didn’t shower at least every other day. This made her realize that she had probably been here for two days at the very least. But, it could have been longer, she lost track of the days, since she never saw a clock or daylight for that matter. For all she knew she could have been there for over a week, but she highly doubted that.

She sighed again, if it had been at least two days, why hadn’t she heard anything of her parents or other family members yet? It was all so strange and unnerving. If they truly cared then why hadn’t they showed up or at least contacted these people? It made no sense and it just proceeded to scare her even more. What if they didn’t care?

She shook the thought from her head as soon as it entered. No, that wasn’t right… her parents loved her very much, and they would not leave her to die. That much she was sure of.

She pushed the thoughts of her family out of her mind and tried to think of anything but them. She missed them all, even Ashley, which was surprising, since she didn't even like her. Elizabeth figured that the saying, "You never know what you have, until it's gone" was correct in that aspect.

She pushed her thoughts to more pressing matters, like that kiss she and David had shared a few hours before. Why had he done it? And why had she not stopped him? He was nothing but a conceited jerk and she found that she couldn’t believe that she had actually kissed him back. She had enjoyed that kiss! And he was rather good looking, she couldn’t deny that little fact…and he was a good kisser, but so was Andy, but unlike David, Andy wasn’t a pompous asshole who had his head too far up his own ass.

“Well, that’s not very nice.” A voice said,making her jump; she glanced up to see David leaning casually against the counter, staring at her. She immediately covered herself, or all parts of her that she could. Which really wasn’t that much in the first place, since she was not taking a bubble bath, so the water was clear. He seemed somewhat amused by her actions and he smirked, “Don’t worry, Elizabeth, you have nothing I have not seen before.”

She so wanted to wipe that smirk off his face, but to do so would mean that she would have to get up and if she were to get up she would uncover her naked self for his scrutinizing gaze. And that was something that she was not willing to do even if there was a towel relatively close to her and she could easily use that as a shield for her nudity, but she wasn't ready to stop her bath quite yet.

“What the hell are you doing in here, go away!” she said, deciding to ignore his last comment. Not liking the mental picture she was getting from it. “And stay out of my mind!” she yelled as he continued to smirk. It was almost like he was mocking her, she wouldn’t be surprised if he was. He seemed to do that a lot, actually, he seemed to enjoy it.

“This is my house, I go where I please.” he shrugged.

“That doesn’t give you the right to come in while I’m bathing, you little pervert.” she said, accusingly.

“What can I say? It’s the hormones, I swear.” he shrugged again.

She blushed at that comment. It sounded so weird and she found herself looking away from him, she found it hard to look him in the eye. She focused intently on the wall just above his shoulder not wanting to look in his blue eyes, since she always found it very difficult to look away from.

“What? Not use to sexual suggestions?” he asked, “You are such a prude.”

She gasped in shock at what he had just called her, “Excuse me? I am not a prude. Just because I don’t like a boy I barely know check me out in the bathtub or the idea that he is sexually aroused by the fact that I am nude, does not mean that I am!" she snarled, how dare he say such a thing!

He merely smirked at her, enjoying her little show of anger. It was rather amusing to him. That just made her groan in frustration. She grabbed the towel from where it sat on the side of the tub; she thanked God that she had decided to put it there. She proceeded to shield herself as she got up and wrapped it around her torso. Her bath was now ruined, all thanks to him.

“Well I hope that you're happy, you have ruined my bath. Thanks a lot.” she said, using all her willpower to not knock that stupid smirk off his face.

“It's been thirty minutes... your hands are all prune like. You were in there for far too long anyway…” she glanced at her hands and noticed that he was in fact correct. Though, she would never admit it.

“I will be the judge of that, now go away so I can change in peace.” she said, trying to shoo him out of the room.

He didn’t move, she figured he wouldn’t. She knew he would make this difficult so she proceeded to push him out and shove the door in his face, though in her anger she never took into account the fact that he could just appear back in the room.

And that's exactly what he did, but luckily she already had on her undergarments and so it was not as big of a deal as it was before. Especially since he had already seen her in her undergarments a few hours before. At least she wasn’t naked. She glared at him anyway, angry that he couldn't just do what she asked of him. But, she figured it might be because he was incapable of doing anything mature in the first place. She turned her back to him and got dressed; trying to ignore his presence, but the fact that she could feel his eyes on her and the fact that he was closer to her then what she thought wasn't really necessary just made everything more difficult.

It felt good to be in her own clothes instead of what that Nicole girl called clothes. They felt more like a second skin then clothes, that was how tight they were. Elizabeth didn’t like wearing stuff like that and she didn’t quite understand how any other girl could, weren’t they uncomfortable?

She turned around and gasped as she found David to be right behind her. She backed away from him and it was only a few seconds before she was backed up into the counter with nowhere to go and nowhere to hide.

Her heart was pounding very loudly in her head as he crept closer to her like a predator tracking its prey, which wasn’t far from the truth.

She found that it was hard to breathe as he got so close, she could feel his breath on her forehead since he was so much taller then her. She found it strange that she could feel his breath at all… vampires were dead, and therefore they couldn’t breath, right?

But, she was sure she felt his breath on her forehead. The feeling made her very, very uncomfortable. She had to crane her neck to look him directly in the eye. My God, she hated being so short.

She forgot to breathe for a second as she saw his head descending towards their only obvious destination. It wasn’t her neck, she didn’t know how she knew, but somehow she knew that that was not where he wanted to go.

He stopped with his lips only inches from hers and she still found it extremely hard to breathe. She actually thought that she forgotten how to do so.

“Are you scared of me?” he asked softly against her lips. Startling her, she hadn’t expected him to speak.

Her chest tightened uncontrollably at the question. She didn’t know why she reacted that way. All she knew was that she was very uncomfortable with his close proximity and she wanted him to get away from her.

She couldn’t find her voice for a few moments. But when she did she didn’t even answer his question, she shoved him away quite roughly, he pulled back in surprise. He obviously hadn't expected her to do that and that was probably why she was able to do so in the first place. “Get away from me.” she snarled, “Unless you have something to say, go away. If I’m going to be here for a month, I am going to at least enjoy my time here to the best of my ability and that means that you need to stay the hell away from me.” She glared at him, before she walked away, or at least tried to.

She wasn’t surprised when he stopped her, though that consisted of him slamming her up against the closed bathroom door. He turned her around to face him. She tried not to wince at the pain that came from being slammed rather hard into the wooden door.

They stared into each others eyes for a few moments. But it could have been hours, Elizabeth lost complete track of time as she stood there, practically hyperventilating, waiting for him to make his move.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’” he smirked.

“I am not scared of you, I just don’t like you. There’s a difference.” she said, getting a feeling of déjà vu. She had told him that once before and she noticed that he probably didn’t really listen nor did he remember what she had said to him earlier that week. “I’ve already told you that before, but knowing you, you probably forgot.”

“No, I remember it, pretty clearly actually. I just wanted to see if you had changed your mind.” he shrugged, indifferently.

She snorted, “Change my mind? I will never change my mind about you. I’d rather die than be within twenty feet of you, you’re a bastard, a monster and an over-all conceited, perverted jerk!” The minute she said it, she wished she could take the words back for she discovered that he found what she was saying very humorous, instead of insulting, as the words were meant to do, they were meant to insult him, not make him laugh at her.

“Well if you want to die, that can easily be arranged.” he smirked at her before he bent down and grazed her neck with his fangs. She gasped and held in a shudder. He chuckled again and whispered into her ear “That’s what I thought.”

He stepped away from her, still smirking. She tried not to show the fear that she felt. He terrified her and their close proximity was not helping matters at all.

Not only that, but his closeness was also making it rather difficult for her to breathe as well as think of anything other then that kiss they had shared a few hours before. And how much of a good kisser he happened to be.

She shook the thoughts from her brain, the minute that they entered. They only made things worse. And she didn’t need him knowing what she was thinking. It would probably inflate his ego even more then it already was. And his ego was already big enough.

He smirked at her. He had read her thoughts before she could push them away, but that was the only action that he did that gave her the sign that he had done so.

She glared at him. Silently yelling at him for going into her thoughts, once again.

“Jerk.” She shoved him away from her and opened the door and left before she did anything that she would most likely regret later.

She didn’t really know where to go… she was out in a hallway, that seem endless on either side.

“You don’t know where to go, do you?” his voice mocked from behind her.

She rolled her eyes, but nodded nonetheless.

Without saying another word, he grabbed her upper arm and began pulling her down the hallway.

A flight of steps and two more hallways led them back to her dungeon chamber once again.

“After you.” He motioned for her to go in. But instead of leaving as she had expected him to do once she was in, he followed her and proceeded to sit down next to her.

She stared at him, “What in the world are you doing?” she asked.

He shrugged, but didn’t answer. That just made her angry and she found herself glaring at him, “Well, if you have no reason in being here then please leave.” She nodded towards the door. “And don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out.”

He smirked at her last comment and turned to face her. “You are quite funny.”

“That was not meant to be funny. Now, get out. Before I make you.” she threatened through her teeth, not even looking at him, but at the wall across from where she was sitting.

“Really? So, how exactly, were you planning on making me. Hmm?” he cocked his head to the side and stared at her with a rather curious expression on his face.

She scoffed, “Like I would tell you.”

“You’re bluffing.” he said.

She shrugged, “Maybe I am, maybe I’m not… if you don’t leave, you’re going to find out.”

He raised an eyebrow at the comment and stared at her. Trying to figure out if she really was bluffing or not. She smirked at him, not letting anything show on her face or in her mind to let him know her true intentions.

“Like I said before, you’re bluffing.” he accused, as he settled down and leaned against the wall, staring, arrogantly, at her.

She shrugged before she hit him right on the nose. And she hit him hard. Hard enough to leave a mark and hurt like hell. He glared at her as she smirked, "Told you."

“Bitch” was the response that she got.

She shrugged, “Well, you brought it upon yourself, I gave you a fair warning, but did you listen? No. So now you have to pay the consequences for your actions.” She crossed her arms and turned away from him.

He was trying to control his anger at this point. He couldn’t kill her or maim her in any way. Her father needed to know that she was healthy and one hundred percent there. “You are very lucky that I am not allowed to hurt you.” he threatened. “Otherwise, you would be the one in pain, not me.” She felt that it was dead threat, and this was the first time that she mocked him. Well, the first time she did so when he was extremely angry and quite ready to kill her.

“Since when do you listen to anyone but yourself?” she mocked.

“Since that person would kill me if I so much as hurt you in any way.” he said. “But the moment your father comes, you will regret doing that.” And with that he got up and left the cell, slamming the door behind him.
________________________________________________________

CHAPTER TWELVE

Robert Fitzgerald looked around at his family, or what was left of it. Minus one of course. They were on a plane off to a safe house that he happened to own in Europe. A house hat not even his own wife knew about.

Those bastards had already gotten one of his children and he wouldn’t let them get any more.

How could he have let this happen? It was a idiotic idea to think that they would have moved out of the city. Even though, at the time he thought it, it was logical… because vampires can’t stay in one place for very long because people would get suspicious when a large number a people went missing, or worse, were found dead with all their blood drained. In the old days, it was so hard to keep it hidden, but now, he knew how difficult it was, people weren't as stupid as they use to be.

He couldn’t believe that he had been so stupid to think that… now it would quite possibly cost his youngest daughter her life… Darren had said that he wouldn't kill her. But, Robert knew what Darren was capable of doing and thus, didn't believe him. The vampire race, in general, could never be trusted. So, until he saw her alive and still breathing, he was fearing for the worst. He just hoped that she was alright.

And that she would continue to be alright until he got back to New York to face Darren, himself. And that was only going to happen after he made sure the rest of the family was safe. And that Darren couldn’t get to them.

This was his battle and he planned to fight in it all by himself.
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Elizabeth groaned as she woke up. Her whole body hurt due to the very awkward position that she had slept in on the cold, stone floor of the dungeon chamber that she was still in.

She sat up the best she could and tried not to scream at the pain that shot up her spine at such an action. Once she was finally in a sitting position she glanced around, nothing had changed, not that she was expecting anything to. It was still dark, very dark in there and her eyes, once again had to adjust to the darkness.

She jerked her head towards the door, when she heard the sound of keys in the lock and the door opened, blinding her for a few seconds from the light that was in the hallway beyond the room. The door was shut swiftly, leaving the room, once again, in blackness.

She could tell that it was Nicole who was there and she was carrying something in her hands. It only took Elizabeth a few moments to realize what it was. It was food, but it was too dark and she was too far away to see what kind of food it happened to be.

Nicole came and sat down a few feet from her, placing the tray of food in between them. It had a sandwich on it again, ham it looked like and a small box of crackers. Elizabeth eyed it warily.

“It’s not drugged this time.” Nicole whispered, “I can assure you of that.” She continued watching Elizabeth as the latter picked up the sandwich and began inspecting it, just like she did the last time.

“He has no reason to drug it, Elizabeth.”

“He doesn’t need a reason to do anything.” Elizabeth said darkly, still inspecting the food.

“Eat, Elizabeth.” A new, masculine voice said from somewhere in the darkness. “Don’t make me force you.” he threatened as he came out from the pitch blackness and close enough to where she could see him enough to recognize him.

Elizabeth glared at Darren. Trying to be defiant, but she was already slowly losing the hunger battle within herself.

“I did not drug it nor did I poison it.” he said, “It’s completely safe to eat. I promise you that.”

She stared at him. “Your promise means nothing to me.” she said, “It’s just as empty and useless as you are.”

The words had barely left her mouth before she found herself slammed against the wall; Darren was holding her off the ground by her neck, his grip was not tight enough to strangle her but it was tight enough to hurt like hell. She struggled uselessly as he growled, “I told you, that that tongue of yours was going to get you into trouble one day. You’re petty, little insults are getting on my last nerve.” He let go of her then, obviously regaining his composure quickly. “Now eat.”

His voice sounded different then and she found herself obeying him. Glaring at him the whole time. He simply smiled at her, “Good girl.” And with that he was gone.

Nicole sighed, “You didn’t have to go and make him angry. Why can’t you just do what he says? He could have seriously injured you!” Nicole said.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes, “Whatever.” she said in between bites of her sandwich. “Unless, you have anything important to tell me, I would really appreciate it if you would go away. I would really like to eat in peace.” She muttered.

Nicole sighed again, “Very well. I’ll be back in a few hours to collect the tray.” She got up and left her alone to finish her food.

Elizabeth. Elizabeth jerked her head up and glanced around the room, nervously.

“Who’s there?”

Elizabeth, honey. It’s me, your father.

“Dad?” she whispered.

I want you to listen to me, I don’t have much time. I’m in Europe right not getting the family settled down. Was he not going to come and save her? Tears began to prick at her eyes at the thought. No, Elizabeth I will be there within the next few days, I promise. I will not leave you. I need you to hang in there and not do anything too rash. Do you understand?

“Yes” she whispered.

I love you very much, Elizabeth. I will see you in a few days. Hang in there.

Then his presence was gone. As soon as he was gone, it hit her, that she didn't even know how she was even capable of communicating telepathically with her father. But, the more she thought about it, the more she realized that she was probably able to do it because they were family and thus had some form of connection.

She sighed, only a few more days… she could so handle that. As long as that jerk, stayed as far away from her.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door suddenly slamming open; David stood there, his silhouette being illuminated by the light that was beyond the room, “Darren wants to see you” was all he said before he came to her, grabbed her arm roughly and led her from the room.

“What? Why?” she asked, but he didn’t answer. Not that she was surprised. She was use to being confused here… it seemed to be the norm.

They reached the familiar office door, he knocked a few times, and without even waiting for an answer, he opened the door and shoved her in before stepping in himself.

Darren was reading a piece of paper (he seemed to do that a lot) and looked up to see who had decided to disturb him. The angry look vanished when he saw who happened to be standing in the doorway.

“Miss Fitzgerald, so we meet again.” she crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him.

“What do you want?” she asked watching him as he nodded towards David, who then left without a word, closing the door behind him.

“Come, have a seat.” he gestured to the two seats in front of his desk.

She looked from one to the other and then back at him. “Why?” she asked suspiciously.

“Well, if you sit down, you’ll find out.” he smirked at her.

She watched him for a few more moments. He was giving her a very creepy smile, making her rather uncomfortable. She finally made her way to the chair and sat down rather cautiously, “What do you want now?” she asked, sounding somewhat impatient, she would rather be doing anything else but this right about now…

“Are you in some sort of hurry?” he asked after a few moments of silence.

“Yes, actually, I am… I would much rather be just about anywhere else, but sitting here talking to you here right now.” she said, her arms were still crossed over her chest, in a very childlike manner, but she could really care less at the moment.

He merely looked at her, he found her answer quite humorous, but did not allow it to show. The last thing he wanted was for her to see that he thought that she was funny. And then she would probably end up not acting as cooperative as she had been doing lately. And he wasn't willing to risk losing that.

After several moments he finally spoke, “I’m getting quite impatient with your father.”

She raised her eyebrow, “You had David drag me all the way up here just so you could tell me something that I pretty much knew already?” she asked, looking at him skeptically.

He ignored that comment and continued, “I had expected him to come running when he discovered that I had you, but he didn’t…”

“I think you should learn to be more patient…”she said somewhat sarcastically. “I’m not his only child. Or, did you forget that he has five children?” she uncrossed her arms and rested her arms in her lap.

“I am very well aware that you are the middle child in your family. Being such, I had expected you to be that much more valuable.”

She raised both eyebrows at that statement. “Excuse me? Everyone knows that the middle child is the most neglected one. The older siblings do everything first, so by the time the middle child does it, it's already been done and is not so exciting. And the younger ones, are just that, always younger and cuter then you, and thus getting more attention then you."

“You sound like you speak from experience.” he noted.

“I do.” Was all that she said to that, not caring to elaborate on the subject. It wasn’t his business to know. Though the more she thought about it the more she realized that he probably already knew all about her family life. And she didn’t need to tell him anything because he already knew it to begin with.

“I’ve decided that since he seems to like taking his sweet old time getting here, I’m going to be giving him less time to arrive.” He waited for somewhat of a response from her, but all he got was a raised eyebrow, which wasn’t much of a response, she happened to do that a lot anyway. “I’m only giving him two weeks now.” She just sat there, with her eyebrows still raised.

She wasn’t too surprised at his change of actions. She had figured that he would get impatient for her father’s arrival. Even if it had only been a few days since she had been taken.

“Is that it?” she asked, sounding rather bored. “Because if it, then I would kind of like to go now.”

He stared at her, surprised at her calmness to the news he had just revealed. “What?” she asked after a few moments of seeing him staring at her strangely. A confused expression on his face.

“I would have expected you-"

“Expected me to what?” she interrupted. “To be surprised that you were going to kill me earlier then planned?” She shrugged, “I had expected it.”

“I see.” Was all he said to that.

“May I go now?” She asked.

“Not yet, I need to ask you something.”

She raised her eyebrows again, while crossing her arms over her chest “Yes?”

“How do you feel about David?” he asked.

She stared at him, lost for words for a few seconds, until finally she found her voice, “What kind of question is that?”

He shrugged, “Just curious. He’s been acting strange lately.”

“And what makes you think that I have anything to do with him acting strange? Better yet, what makes you think that I have any idea of why he’s acting so strange?” she asked.

“Because he’s been spending most of his time with you.”

“He has?” she asked, “No, he hasn’t.” Thinking back, she had only seen him three or four times since she had been there, which was only two days, at the most. Well, maybe he had been around her a lot, but it hadn’t occurred to her that it was more time then usual. Well, it had, but it wasn’t like he would listen to anything that she told him. If she had asked him to leave her alone, he would have just ignored her and continued to annoy her, since it was in his nature to be immature about everything.

“Well, not too much time, I suppose. But, enough to make everyone a little curious. That’s all.”

She looked at him, and scrunched her nose up in disgust, finally understanding where he was getting at with this, “You think I like him? Oh my God, that is the most disgusting thing that I have ever heard. Me, actually liking that immature, arrogant bastard whose head is way too far up his ass?” she snorted, “Oh please. That has to be the stupidest thing that I have ever heard.”

“Very well.” He said, looking at her skeptically.

“Don’t give me that look.” She said, “Now, is that all?” she asked.

“Yes, let me go get someone to escort you back to your cell.” He said as he got up and swiftly left her alone.

He wasn’t gone for more then a few minutes and when he returned it wasn’t with David, as she had expected. It was with a new boy, whom she did not know. He had blonde hair and blue eyes and a look in his eyes that made him look rather psychotic. Making Elizabeth very uncomfortable.

“Who is that?” she asked, not really wanting to go anywhere with that boy… the boy simply smirked at her, finding her question humorous.

“This is Jake. He’ll be returning you back to your cell.” Was all that Darren said in answer to her question.

She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him. Silently accepting the idea of doing such a thing. She knew there was no point in arguing. He would just force her to do it, like he did last time, trying to get her to eat.

“Go along, I have work to do.” He said, motioning towards the door. Elizabeth got up and followed the Jake boy out of the room.

She knew there was something strange about him. Though she had no proof until he quite suddenly turned around and faced her, staring intently at her for a few seconds. “What?” she asked, pausing to look at him funny.

He smirked at her before he brought his hand up and proceeded to hit her with some sort of weapon that he had somehow hidden from her. The blow was hard and it almost immediately knocked her down.

She didn’t even have any time to think before she completely blacked out.
Last edited by Chaotic Romance on Fri Dec 14, 2007 6:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault." - Dr. David M. Burns

My website: http://www.freewebs.com/chaoticromance1/index.htm
  





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Sat Nov 10, 2007 5:07 am
sokool15 says...



I'll be back to give a full crit later, but for now...exciting!

Until tomorrow...I'll be back.
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
  





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Fri Nov 16, 2007 12:42 am
Night Mistress says...



exciting! update soon.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Fri Dec 14, 2007 6:27 am
sokool15 says...



Lol, Chaotic, I just went to your profile. "Life was so simple when boys had cooties..." LOVE IT!!!

*ehem* Yes, well, here I am, once again. It's nice to be back!

***

It felt good to sink as low as she could in the warm water, it had been awhile since she had bathed, that she realized when she felt her hair a few minutes before, it had felt greasy and stringy.


Run-on sentence, there. And wordy. That's almost a whole paragraph with no periods!

REVISION:
It felt good to sink as low as she could in the warm water. It had been so long since she had bathed that her hair had been greasy and stringy.


Actually, looking through your story I see a lot of this problem. I think I've remarked on it in earlier posts as well, so I won't go into a lot of detail. Just read sentences out loud, and see if they sound awkward. You have mostly run-on sentences and sentences that are too wordy and could be cut down a lot. I won't point out every one, just keep it in mind.

Andy wasn't a pompous ass who had his head too far up his own ass.


I like the sentence but you repeat 'ass,' and even though you're changing the meaning of the word, it still is a repetition. I would suggest "Andy wasn't a pompous idiot who had his head too far up his own ass," or something like that.


It doesn't quite make sense to me that she would choose to stay naked in front of David, even though there was a towel nearby, just because she wasn't 'ready' to quit her bath just yet. Seems like if she really cared, then she'd just pull the towel over her and ask for a dry one later, or if she doesn't really care - why make it seem like she does? Anyway...

a boy I barely know check me out in the bathtub or the idea that he is sexual aroused by the fact that I am in fact nude, does not mean that I am!" she snarled, how dare he say such a thing!


sexual = sexually

"by the fact that I am in fact"? repetion of 'fact.'

Why is she so offended by the insinuation that she's a 'prude'? Being a prude is not necessarily a bad thing, you know...she shouldn't be so violent. I think "how DARE you say such a thing!" is a really needlessly violent reaction to a comment that most college guys would make.


Actually, I just noticed that all through-out, you tend to use the phrase 'in fact,' a lot. Try to cut down on the usage, it gets old.

But, she figured it might be because he was so immature and thus was incapable of doing anything mature in the first place.


Er...duh? You're going in circles here. Basically you're saying "he's immature because he's immature."

REVISION:
She figured it might be because he was incapable of doing anything mature.


Don't start a sentence with 'and' or 'but.'

(he was a lot taller then her, at least a foot and probably more),


Parenthesis? Usually bad in fiction. If it's important enough to say in the first place, it should be important enough not to just be a side note. If you've mentioned David's heighth before, you don't need to mention it now...it takes away from the tension you have building up. When you're trying to build emotion or tension, cut as many extra words as you can.

All through the area right after she gets out of her bath and David is getting really close to her, you talk a lot about how she can't breathe, is finding it difficult to breathe, or is feeling David's breath on her skin. Too much breath! We don't need to hear a play-by-play of each intake of air each of them make when they're together! :wink:


He smirked at her last comment and turned to face her. "You are quite humorous."


You are quite humorous? Is that the kind of thing people say? Perhaps it's something about the way vampires word phrases, but really, if you're trying to make him talk normally, 'you are quite humorous' is not the way to do it. Just think of a phrase you would use when your friend say something funny.

Okay, well, I have to go...pretty much a great pair of chapters over all! Just be careful with punctuation, run-on sentences and sentence fragments. As I said before, reading aloud helps so much with awkward wording and things like that!

As I said before, great chapter. You're doing really well at building up the emotional tension and physical attraction between David and Elizabeth without being unreastic. I'll be around to your next chapters as soon as I can!

~Mademoiselle Kool 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
  








It is a happiness to wonder; it is a happiness to dream.
— Edgar Allan Poe