Young Writers Society

She walked down the aisle slowly, gracefully, almost as if she was walking on thin air. One step, and stop; one step and stop; her dress followed her obediently. The background music of violins, cellos and a grand piano sounded as she walked. All eyes were on her, looking at her thoroughly as she made her grand entrance to the hand of her father. The old man with grey hair and a black tux looked indeed well, very elegant and poised, but the woman at his side stole all gazes.
And at the end of the aisle was the nervous man whose life would be changed that day and his blue eyes revealed the expectancy. He was, of course, a wreck in his insides, his nerves were about to give in but he looked really pulled together and proud. His eyes though, showed more love than anyone could have ever imagined. They shined gracefully, and anyone who dared to look right at them could discover how much that man was waiting for the priest to finally give him permission to call the woman his wife. After all, he had been waiting for that moment for quite too long.
In the front row of the chairs in the left side of the hall, a young girl in a yellow dress watched the woman approach the stand where the priest was. She didn’t look at the woman in as expectant and happy as the other guests, there was certain sadness in her chocolate brown eyes. The beautiful smile she had in her thin white face never reached her beautiful eyes. There were tears flooding them, but not even the girl herself could understand if they were tears of joy or of sadness.
A little boy was sitting next to her happily seeing the woman in her beautiful white dress take the hand of the man next to her. He was too innocent, too naïve, but he knew well that the love in their expression was undeniable. He jumped up and down, up and down, taking the girl by the hand and smiling at her joyfully. His caramel colored hair was now a mess, his cute small tux was a mess as well but he was comfortably watching the two people in front of him.
Standing right across them was a tall young man, in his late teenage years, looking proudly at the man who was now repeating what the priest was saying. He was quite handsome, his features very manly, and his brown eyes, were shining beautifully as he looked at the guests who stared at the marrying couple with great elation. A sly smile spread across his face as the priests said the final words.
“We will have a new daddy now, won’t we?” The little boy asked the girl when he heard the priest finishing too. The girl quickly turned to him, dumbfounded, her eyes wide open. She had never thought of it in that way, neither wanted too. The thought was a little disturbing to her, so she slowly turned her head back to the couple in front of her.
Very slowly the man lifted his hands to where the woman’s veil was and softly turned it back to that her face was uncovered. It was all visible now, the love, the nerves, the expectancy, everything. There were tears in her light brown eyes, tears that slowly ran down her cheek taking with them the slight trace of eyeliner that she had worn. And he loved them; he loved them because his eyes were becoming watery as well. So in a rapid movement, he leaned towards her and kissed her. The small crowd of guests cheered and whistled as the newlywed couple kissed.
They both walked rapidly through the aisle, their hands intertwined and a sweet happy smile in both their faces. She had to pick up the long skirt of her dress for it didn’t allow her to walk and she didn’t want the delicate Italian lace be ruined by her white high heels. Everyone threw rose petals of all colors to the couple; red, white, pink and orange petals started to fly in the air as they were passing by.
Almost in no time, they were out of the church and only a few people stayed behind, including the young girl with the boy and the young man. The noise and hustle seemed to have been a long time ago and only petals of all colors and white bouquets of flowers were left behind. The young girl started walking, leaving the little boy who ran to the young man’s arms. She walked with a steady pace, mercilessly stepping on every petal as a sign of her displeasure.
“You have to grow up, you know?” The young man shouted as he played with the little boy and she stepped outside the door of the church. But she didn’t stop; she didn’t want to argue with him for her head was filled with too many unpleasant thoughts. For a certain time in her life she was sure of what she knew and what her family was. And in less time than she ever thought, her whole life seemed to have made a 180 degrees turn. She could not understand it yet, and hoped that one day she could understand everything; maybe one day all the pieces of the puzzle in her head would fall in their place.

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This is a story I'm working on, so please review, comment, and shred it apart if you want ( as long as you are giving constructive criticism )

Hi Juni! I'm gonna jump all over this, alright?

I think I shall nit pick first, if you don't mind. I rather miss nit picking >_>

She walked down the aisle slowly, gracefully, almost as if she was walking on thin air.

Don't really like that comma there, perhaps try a dash? I understand the reluctance to put in a semi colon, considering there are two in the next sentence.

The old man with grey hair and a black tux looked indeed well, very elegant and poised, but the woman at his side stole all gazes.

Indeed would sound cooler between commas~ just sayin'. Also, perhaps a 'the' before gazes?

He was, of course, a wreck in his insides, his nerves were about to give in but he looked really pulled together and proud.

This sentence is too tiring; either add some punctuation or break it up.

They shined gracefully

Try another adjective. Maybe graciously or something of the sort.

In the front row of the chairs in the left side of the hall,

Comma before in, I suggest.

She didn’t look at the woman in as expectant and happy as the other guests,

Word missing, I think? Sounds awkward, rephrase it. Something like 'She didn't look at the woman in an expectant or happy way as (etc)'.

A little boy was sitting next to her happily seeing the woman in her beautiful white dress take the hand of the man next to her.

Coma before happily.

The thought was a little disturbing to her, so she slowly turned her head back to the couple in front of her.
Very slowly the man lifted his hands to where the woman’s veil was and softly turned it back to that her face was uncovered.

Repetition of slowly~!

red, white, pink and orange petals started to fly in the air as they were passing by.

I rather like the sentence more without the 'petals'.

Alright, done with nit picking!

Now, I like your theme. I think it's an original point of view of a wedding, and I'm curious to see what happens next. I liked the introduction of the characters, however, I do think a name here or there would help the bonding with the characters. I would like further description of the young man, perhaps a bit more of body language and more inner thoughts? I liked the interaction between the girl and the small boy. I do think it's a good start for a longer piece, though I think you could work a bit more on it, starting with the descriptions. They seemed a bit restrained, vocabulary wise, and they dragged on at some points. Make it a bit more subtle, perhaps?

Still, it's a good start! It was interesting and easy to read, and I really enjoyed it ;D

Love,
- Kat

This is really interesting. I'm intrigued. Can't wait for the next chapter, I love the perspective you took on it. Faults are few and far between.

Hello there.

I'll begin with nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression of story.

Very slowly the man lifted his hands to where the woman’s veil was and softly turned it back so that her face was uncovered.

There were tears in her light brown eyes, tears that slowly ran down her cheek comma, taking with them the slight trace of eyeliner that she had worn.

For the story... It's a little bit confusing. I'm getting that the girl doesn't want her mother (?) to marry the man, but the little boy does (which is her brother?). The young man, though... I don't get what he does in all of this. So, I'm hoping you can post another chapter soon, so it could help me understand this story.

The first chapters are always the worst to understand. I also liked the fact that you talked about everyone, and not just the woman's point of view, or just the little girl's point of view. I think it was a nice touch.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Heyy,
I really liked this. It was very beautifully written; it flowed so well. I saw just a few mistakes that theotherone already pointed out. Very interesting, I look forward to reading the next part. Keep writing

Hello,
Thanks for requesting a review. I am finally here! I know my punctuation(timely manner) sucks, but now that I am here I will give you a hopefully nonredundant, detailed review.

One step, and stop; one step and stop; her dress followed her obediently.

One step and stop is not a full sentence, so the semi-colons after stop should be a comma.

And at the end of the aisle was the nervous man whose life would be changed that day and his blue eyes revealed the expectancy.

And is a conjunction. Never start a sentence with a conjunction because conjunctions trigger fragments instead of full sentences. Conjunctions include: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So. Conjunction follow a comma to combine two complete sentences with similar ideas. Take away the word and from the beginning of this sentence and capitalize the letter a in the word at. Also, add a comma after day because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

He was, of course, a wreck in his insides, his nerves were about to give in (comma) but he looked really pulled together and proud.

I think it should say a wreck on the inside, reads better. The comma after insides should be a semi-colon(;) because you are combining two complete sentences. There should be a comma after in because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.

His eyes though, showed more love than anyone could have ever imagined.

This bit is a little more showy than I would like. What made his eyes look so love filled? Tell us how his eyes looked to make you think they were full of love and lust.

In the front row of the chairs in the left side of the hall, a young girl in a yellow dress watched the woman approach the stand where the priest was.

Either add a comma after chairs or change in the left to on the left.

She didn’t look at the woman in as expectant and happy as the other guests, there was certain sadness in her chocolate brown eyes.

Take away the word in after woman, and change the comma after guests to a semi-colon because you are combining two complete sentences together.

His caramel colored hair was now a mess, his cute small tux was a mess as well but he was comfortably watching the two people in front of him.

There should be a comma after well because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.

And he loved them; he loved them because his eyes were becoming watery as well.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Just take away the word and from the beginning of this sentence and capitalize the H in he.

They both walked rapidly through the aisle, their hands intertwined and a sweet happy smile in both their faces.

Shouldn't it be a happy smile on both their faces?

She had to pick up the long skirt of her dress for it didn’t allow her to walk and she didn’t want the delicate Italian lace be ruined by her white high heels.

There should be a comma after walk because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

The young man shouted as he played with the little boy and she stepped outside the door of the church.

There should be a comma after boy because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

But she didn’t stop; she didn’t want to argue with him for her head was filled with too many unpleasant thoughts.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Take away the word but, and capitalize the s in she.

And in less time than she ever thought, her whole life seemed to have made a 180 degrees turn.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Take away the word and, and capitalize the i in in.

I think this was a lovely start to a novel, and I am very excited to read the rest. Once again I am sorry that this review was so late. If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

Hi! I am Hockeyfan87 and I am here to review! Since it is a shorter chapter I am just quoting it all! My comment will be in red.

She walked down the aisle slowly, gracefully, almost as if she was walking on thin air. One step, and stop; one step and stop; her dress followed her obediently. The background music of violins, celloscomma since it is a list, this is just my preference but you can do it this way, but I think it looks better to do it with the extra comma and a grand piano sounded as she walked. All eyes were on her, looking at her thoroughlycomma as she made her grand entrance to the hand of her father. The old man with grey hair and a black tux looked indeed I don't like the indeed, it doesn't sound well, maybe extremely or extra? well, very elegant and poised, but the woman at his side stole all of the gazes.

And at the end of the aisle was the nervous man whose life would be changed that daycomma delete and and his blue eyes revealed the expectancy. He was, of course, a wreck in his insides, his nerves were about to give in but he looked really pulled together and proud. His eyes though, showed more love than anyone could have ever imagined. They shined gracefully, and don't know if you need the andanyone who dared to look right at them could discover how much that man was waiting for the priest to finally give him permission to call theor this whatever you prefer woman his wife. After all, he had been waiting for that moment for quite too long.

In the front row of the chairs inon I think you meant? the left side of the hall, a young girl in a yellow dress watched the woman approach the stand where the priest was. She didn’t look at the woman in delete in or rephrase as expectant and happy as the other guests, there was acertain sadness in her chocolate brown eyes. The beautiful smile she had in her thin white face never reached her beautiful eyes. There were tears flooding them, butyou can delete but, whatever you prefer again not even the girl herself could understand if they were tears of joy or of you can delete of it sounds a little repetitive and people know what you meansadness.

A little boy was sitting next to her commahappily seeing the woman in her beautiful white dress take the hand of the man next to her. He was too innocent, too naïve, but he knew well that the love in their expression was undeniable. He jumped up and down, up and down, taking the girl by the hand and smiling at her joyfully. His caramel colored hair was now a mess, his cute small tux was a mess as wellcomma but he was comfortably watching the two people in front of him.

Standing right across them was a tall young man, in his late teenage years, looking proudly at the man who was now repeating what the priest was saying. He was quite handsome, his features very manly, and his brown eyes, were shining beautifully as he looked at the guests who stared at the marrying couple with great elation. A sly smile spread across his face as the priests said the final words.

“We will have a new daddy now, won’t we?” The little boy asked the girl comma I think? I am not surewhen he heard the priest finishing too. The girl quickly turned to him, dumbfounded, her eyes wide open. She had never thought of it in that way, neither wanted too. The thought was a little disturbing to her, so she slowly turned her head back to the couple in front of her.

Very slowly the man lifted his hands to where the woman’s veil was commaand softly turned it back toso instead of to I think that her face was uncovered. It was all visible now, the love, the nerves, the expectancy, everything. There were tears in her light brown eyes, tears that slowly ran down her cheek taking with them the slight trace of eyeliner that she had worn. And he loved them; he loved them because his eyes were becoming watery as well. So in a rapid movement, he leaned towards her and kissed her. The small crowd of guests cheered and whistled as the newlywed couple kissed.

They both walked rapidly through the aisle, their hands intertwined and a sweet happy smile in both their faces. She had to pick up the long skirt of her dress commafor it didn’t allow her to walk commaand she didn’t want the delicate Italian lace be ruined by her white high heels. Everyone threw rose petals of all colors to the couple; red, white, pink and orange petals started to fly in the air as they were passing by.

Almost in no time, they were out of the church and only a few people stayed behind, including the young girl with the boy and the young man. The noise and hustle seemed to have been a long time ago and only petals of all colors and white bouquets of flowers were left behind. The young girl started walking, leaving the little boy who ran to the young man’s arms. She walked with a steady pace, mercilessly stepping on every petal as a sign of her displeasure.

“You have to grow up, you know?” The young man shouted as he played with the little boy and she stepped outside the door of the church. But she didn’t stop; she didn’t want to argue with him for her head was filled with too many unpleasant thoughts. For a certain time in her life she was sure of what she knew and what her family was. And in less time than she ever thought, her whole life seemed to have made a 180 degrees turn. She could not understand it yet, and hoped that one day she could understand everything; maybe one day all the pieces of the puzzle in her head would fall in their place.

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This is a story I'm working on, so please review, comment, and shred it apart if you want ( as long as you are giving constructive criticism )

I really liked this, I see a lot of potential. There were few mistakes which made is easy on me, thanks for that! I really liked these characters as well. PM me when you post more! I would love to read it!
~Hockeyfan87 aka Jenn