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Girl From Daphnis-- Ch.1



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Fri Mar 18, 2011 1:52 am
Lavvie says...



I'm not even sure where this is going. But I'd really appreciate some in-depth reviews. If this is going anywhere, I'd like to be good. Like better than good.

____________

CHAPTER ONE


This girl is apparently me, but I don’t feel like her. I don’t fit her. I want to be a carefree girl, living like most other Daphnis people, in modest homes, no white pillars, no brightly painted rooms. This is Stella Rayleigh. Girl from Daphnis.
I’m shocked out of my reverie by my mother’s stiff, emotionless voice. “Stella, come down and wish your brother a nice goodbye before he leaves.” I pause before I respond, reluctance clear in my tone. “Fine.”
I drop heavily on each carpeted step that leads to the extravagant entryway. It slows me down only a fraction of a second, but it assures me nonetheless that I’m taking that much longer to reach my statue family. I turn around the corner of the staircase and my mother’s white-blond bob comes into view. I step off the stairs with a thud and she turns. Her pointy nose looks my way, dull gray eyes reproachful.
“Hurry up, Stella!” There’s now a high note in her tone, only indicating her exasperation. “Sebastian’s only got so much time before his train!” So I move a little faster. Not for her, but for Seb, because he’s the only one I love in my so-called family.
Seb’s like both my mother and me. He loves his wealth, wallows in the advantages of it, but he’s also aware of the poverty that’s hidden from us rich people. I like him because he at least has a streak of reason in the blond head of his. And now he’s heading off to university.
As soon as I’m within arm’s length of him, I lunge. He catches me in his strong arms, hand clasping behind my back. I inhale his strong, musky smell, not wanting to forget my brother’s comforting scent.
“I’ll miss you, Seb,” I whisper quietly into his armpit. He laughs, the sound reverberating deep inside his chest.
“So will I. But I know you will get along fine, Stella.”
I glance behind me, making sure my mother isn’t close enough to hear, before I say, “I’m not so sure. I hate it here. Maybe I’ll make a run for it.” I add a small giggle, to lighten the mood of my statement. Seb joins in, but I can hear the hesitance in his tone. He’s weighing the meaning of my words as he’s always done with me since I hit eleven. Since I expressed sympathy for the poor folk of Daphnis.
“Just not before you graduate.” He ruffles my hair jokingly, like I’m a child playing a game. I look up at him for the first time, boring my green eyes into his. His smile reveals perfectly straight, perfectly white teeth. I smile to him and then I feel my mother’s cold and bony hands gently pulling me from him. “Sebastian’s going to miss his train, Stella.”
I turn sharply out of my mother’s grasp. Seb’s already snuck outside before he has to go through the torture of my mother’s usual chilly farewells. Anyway, she’s now walking back into our all-white living room to read some stupid weight-loss magazine. I scuttle over to the entryway’s window seat, and dig my knees into the scratchy material of pure silk. Pulling the curtains to the side, I take one long last look at Seb, my brother, before he gets into the cab and it pulls away, taking all its bright, happy yellowness with it away from the ghost of a house I live in.
*
At school, during break, the only time the rich children are allowed to mix with the poor, I’ve often heard us—that is, the wealthy—being described as snobby, cold and undeserving. I couldn’t agree more.
In Daphnis, there are two social groups: the rich and the poor. There is no middle class. Either you live in a mansion or a shack. It’s all black and white and no gray.
Apparently, according to history books, Daphnis used to have a middle class, but then there was a huge economic crash. Only those who had jobs with reliable organizations—such as commerce and fashion—survived. The rest soon found themselves homeless or living in cheaply made shacks. And almost overnight, it was a battle against the rich and the poor.
Seb told me that we only survived because of our long line of criminal lawyers. The Rayleigh Law Firm apparently joined in on the condemnation of the supposed rebels during the crash. Our law firm gave us the money for my father to purchase the mansion we now live in and all its grandeur.
This time, during the break, I sit on a stone ledge that juts out from the school’s wall. Kids run by crazily, playing tag or some other playground game. The older kids, like me, mingle with friends. I’m not mingling but my close friend Saskia sits close.
I’m on the edge of a daydream when Saskia leans in and whispers in my ear, “That poor boy Luca Griffin’s looking at you.”
My eyes follow Saskia’s bright blue ones to the soccer field where a rabble of poverty-stricken boys and girls play. The one that I’m supposed to be looking for stands at the net as goalie. His loose blond ringlets seem to be cut perfectly—if a bit roughly for lack of a proper barber—halfway down his ears. There’s a lanky body hidden somewhere beneath the bulky goalie gear and warm brown eyes twinkle beneath the sunlight that glares onto the dead grass. Luca Griffin.
But he isn’t looking at me.
“Saskia—” I start my he’s-not-looking-at-me-you-hopeless-romantic lecture when I’m interrupted by my friend.
“Quick. He’s looking.”
My head turns fast a lightning back to the soccer field. And sure enough, Luca Griffin’s looking at me. I look back, eyes empty of any emotion. It’s like the movies my mother rents at times, where the girl and boy have a connection. Luca starts to move away from the net, moving toward me. My legs are like jelly, jiggling, jiggling, jiggling with anxiety. I glance back at Saskia who’s trembling for me, look back at Luca only see him being hit right smack in the head with a hard soccer ball.
*
I’m sitting with a few of Luca’s friends in the waiting room of the school infirmary. Why? I was one of the first to come running to his side. I got a couple of looks from disapproving friends, being the only rich person to come to Luca’s aid.
Luca was out cold, a bit of blood lightly seeping just above his right eye. With the help of his three friends, we were able to haul him into the nurse’s room. Not that he was heavy—Luca’s quite thin, actually, being of the poverty-stricken crowd—but it was his heavy soccer gear that loaded him down.
Now waiting silently in cold plastic chairs, we can only hear the moans and groans of a slightly conscious Luca. I’m the closest the closed door where he’s enclosed and beside me are his three bulky friends: Gideon, Fisher and Helmut.
“So…where d’you live?” grunts Helmut. He’s the biggest of three, with a large chest, big thighs and muscular arms. He’s also hairy all over with long wavy locks to shoulder—brown—and a growing beard. Tufts of chest hair peek out from his plaid shirt.
“Um, in Laurel Grove.” Usually, it’s nice to announce my living in one of the fanciest neighbourhoods of Cassa, the capital of Daphnis. But telling these boys, ones who most likely live in one room shacks with a family of five or six, it’s downright awkward.
“Oh. So you’re really rich, eh?” Fisher butts in. The question in itself is harmless, but his tone is judgmental. Like he’s already come to the conclusion that I’m a snobby brat with so much money she doesn’t know what to do with it.
“Doesn’t necessarily mean I’m happy with it,” I reply in an equally chilly tone. Fisher grumbles an apology. There’s another prolonged uncomfortable silence before the nurse, a kindly lady with wild red hair, peeks into the waiting room. “Luca’s ready for a visit, if you’d like.” All four of us stand up, eager to see the boy who was smacked with a soccer ball. Before I know it, Helmut, Fisher and Gideon have rushed passed me into Luca’s room. I take a step forward to follow, but I find the nurse’s freckled hand in front of my chest, holding me back.
“Sorry, Miss Rayleigh, but only three at a time.”
I find the rule immediately absurd, thinking a fourth person wouldn’t stress out the patient much more. I expel my thoughts before I can think about it. The nurse sadly shakes her head.
“Unfortunately, it’s not because of the patient—he’s fine, really, except for a minor concussion—but because of space. There’s really no more room for a fourth person in that tiny sick chamber.” The lady gives a weak smile. I return it as I move slowly back to my seat.
I didn’t want to talk to Luca alone. I barely even know him and it feels a little too intimate. Especially because he’s injured. It’s like another movie of my mother’s where one lover gets hurt or sick and then there’s that tender moment with the other lover in the dimly light hospital room. I only wanted to tell Luca I hope he feels better.
Within a few minutes, Fisher’s out, beaming from ear to ear. Obviously there’d been a joke because almost seconds after, Gideon and Helmut fall out of the room laughing. Their cheeks are flushed with hilarity and now I’m reluctant to drop in on Luca. Sometimes boys get much too ahead of themselves when in a joking mood. But I go in only because the nurse herds me.
My spirits immediately drop when I see the room is dim in lighting. The blinds are half closed, letting only snippets of light land on the opposite wall. A tiny white cot that’s nothing compared to the real hospital beds is positioned in the centre of the room, Luca tucked in. His yellow curls a still laidback and loose, and only the edge of his forehead hints to any kind of injury. The nurse leaves us, closing the door behind her.
“Hi,” I say.
“Hi.” Luca reaches over to his small transparent cup of water. Takes a sip. Returns the cup to its place on the bedside table. “What are you doing here?”
“I was…a witness at the…incident.” I can’t quite get my words right, hence my hesitations.
“Oh.” Luca looks at me, waiting for more.
“And just to be nice.”
“I never thought a rich girl like you’d bother to see how I’m feeling.”
I’m taken aback by his comment. I’d thought he’d be as nice as he looked. Apparently not. “Sorry, then. I’ll go now.” I turn away, moving back to the door. I’ve just reached for the knob when Luca says, barely audible, “I saw you looking at me on the field.”
I don’t turn. In fact, I move closer to the door, my fingers settling on the silver doorknob. I gather my thoughts. “You looked first.”


What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl
  





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Mon Mar 21, 2011 8:57 am
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Snoink says...



Wooooo! I'm first! :D

Okay! So, since I have the feeling that this is a first draft, I am NOT going to slaughter it ruthlessly and make you not want to write it. I could, I suppose, because it's not very good, but the fact is that most first drafts absolutely stink. The problem is that you have to write the first draft before it's going to get better. So, that's why (ultimately!) people who've always wanted to write a novel never write a novel -- it's because they get hung up since it's not "good enough" and give up. So let's not have this happen, all right?

Also, the very fact that you don't know what's going to happen kind of endears this project to me -- a lot of my best writing has been done for projects that I haven't had a clue as to what was going to happen next. A lot of bad writing can be done too, but a lot of excellent writing can happen as well. :D

Now! Some ideas!

I don't think you started off on the right foot. It seems like the very beginning was uncomfortable for you. For instance, he's going to university. When my sister was going off for university and I didn't want her to leave, I kind of followed her around like a lost puppy. Which makes me wonder why Stella would sulk in her room and not want to go down to see him off. So it makes her sound reeeeeally whiny and self-centered, which I don't think is what you wanted her to come off as. So, because Stella is acting in a way that is unnatural for her, I think she is being difficult for you. It happens... darn those characters! So that may be why she's moping... I've found that when teenage characters tend to mope it's because they don't think they've been represented right. But, then again I've always had a bit of an odd relationship with my characters!

Also, I think that you over-stressed the rich kid bit... I think that may be why she's so uncomfortable. You set it up as she was one who was more comfortable with poor kids and less comfortable with rich kids, but her actions seem to be the exact opposite. So, right now, I think you have a character who is fighting against you. XD

Now, in "The Golden Compass" (or "Northern Lights") by Phillip Pullman, he has a rich girl who would rather be with the poor kids, so what she does is play with them all rowdy like, darn the consequences! So, while I don't know if Stella is a tomboy, she might be more comfortable if she played with these kids and generally resisted the rich kids, because she thought they were too snobby.

Also, she seemed to be a bit... patronizing of the poor people? She seemed to have an us versus them attitude... and she was definitely on the side of the rich. XD

So, what can you do?

Well, first of all, make Stella happy. She'll probably be happy if she is a snobby rich kid who likes being rich and wonders how the poor will live. She'll probably be happy if she's a kind rich kid who wants to help the poor. But, you have to be honest with her and let her be who she is. Right now, it seems like she's the first option, but you're trying to force her to be the second, which is making her rebel.

And I think I know why you're doing this too, and it's partly Stella's fault. Unfortunately, while teenage characters tend to want to be themselves, they like to lie about themselves to make themselves look better than they are, so unfortunately they lie to their writers quite frequently. So, first things first, don't believe what she says.

Next of all, don't let her get away with ANYTHING. Of course she'll want to look good -- everybody does. She doesn't want to have her faults exposed. But, you, as the writer, should betray her. Learn her inside and out and then betray her true character to the world. She'll be afraid at first because she will look bad, but this is precisely what you want to do because, instead of creating just another facade, you are forcing her to confront herself, and in doing so you are forcing her to confront her humanity. Don't let her be perfect, even though that's what she wants. Make her realize how vulnerable, how human she is.

Bringing out this honest humanity will help the reader sympathize with her and want to read more. So no worries about that! Right now, it looks like she's going through some sort of identity crisis, however if you bring out this humanity, this story will sparkle.

So, basically? Get to know her. The story isn't bad -- really, Stella reminds me of one of my characters (who, coincidentally, was a pain in the ass to write for because she liked to inflate herself too). However, you need to realize that you and Stella will be fighting all the way as you write this story. And, honestly? That's part of the fun.

So yeah. Write more... can't wait to see what happens. :)

Now, that's the main problem, but it's a fun problem to work with, so have plenty of fun with that! As far as general story comments go? I seriously hope that Luca continues to kick butt and take names. Silly head concussions! I've had a couple myself and they're no fun. Though, I wonder how Luca can have aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyone in there at all. Can you say massive headache?

Also, if I were a kid, I would be making fun of Stella, not because she's rich but because she's a girl and she liiiiiiiiikes him. Lol! Teenagers can be so silly.

Also, this may be because I've read too many crappy romances lately, but I can totally see this going off into some sort of magical powers sort of thing... like, the reason why he was staring at her was because he realized that she had some sort of magical aura or whatever. And yes, I've definitely been reading too many crappy romance novels. XD

Bug me when you post more! :o
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Wed Mar 23, 2011 1:39 am
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Lavvie says...



Thanks Snoink.

I'll definitely take this into consideration, tewak it a bit tonight maybe. I'm not sure, but I'm definitely into writing more.

Keep you posted,

Lavvi


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Wed Mar 23, 2011 11:33 pm
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Sins says...



Heya, Lavender. :)

Sorry I'm a little late here... I hope you don't mind too much. It looks like Snoink's already given you an epic review, so I can't guarantee anything quite as good as that from me, hehe. If you have any questions or comments after this review is finished, don't hesitate to ask me.

Overall, I like this. I'm very interested in the whole rich and poor, but no middle class thing. It's a simple difference to most societies, but it's a very strong one. I think that this could go many places, so I'm definitely interested in what you're going to do with this. Basically, so far, so good.

This is only a little thing really, but I did find that it ended up getting a bit annoying. Basically, I think you were pretty determined to let us know about the rich and the poor. You often mentioned how there was only rich and poor people, how the rich were this, the poor were that. You must have mentioned/hinted at the fact that the rich and poor didn't mingle something like ten times throughout the chapter. I found that you kept on mentioning that Stella was a rich kid. To put it simply, by the end, it got a little much--annoying even. It's good that you're showing us an interesting contrast between this society, but be careful not to over-emphasize it. Say it once, three times at the most, and I think you'll have a nice balance.

Hmmm... Okay, I think I have something else. I agree with Snoink on Stella's character. I don't thinks she's quite... there. It's really hard to put my finger on it exactly though. Trust me, I of all people would know how frustrating characters can be, especially in novels. They never cooperate. Like, ever. Nonetheless, what I do know is that if you're determined enough and work on them as much as possible, your characters can end up great.

It's kind of weird because, at times, Stella can seem a bit distant. I mean, I'm not that sure about how she feels about Luca. For example, she didn't really react much when he got knocked out. It was kind of like, "Oh, he just got hit in the head... cool." The same goes for when he was looking at her. How did it make her feel? Did she like the fact he was looking at her? Did she find it creepy? I'm assuming that she like shim back or whatever, but that's only because this is a romance novel, and well, whenever there's a boy and a girl in a situation like this, they always like each other.

A time where Stella didn't seem distant was at the beginning with her brother, and you portrayed good emotions from her there. Throughout the rest of the chapter, she seemed to kind of lose it. Speaking of her brother, she seemed really upset about him leaving, but then he was never mentioned again throughout the rest of the chapter. I don't expect her to be constantly thinking and talking about him or anything, but I found it a bit weird that she never even thought about him again throughout the rest of the day.

Although Stella can seem distant at times, sometimes I found that she seemed a weeny bit whiny. First with the family--her saying that the only family member she loves is her brother. Then you went on by implying that she almost hated being rich, then a few other things followed that added to the whiny feeling. Part of the reason behind that feeling is because I think you intended to make Stella seem selfless and kind, but I actually think you've done the opposite.

At school, during break, the only time the rich children are allowed to mix with the poor, I’ve often heard us—that is, the wealthy—being described as snobby, cold and undeserving. I couldn’t agree more.


This, for example. In a way, she's saying that she hates herself or something because she's saying that the rich kids are snobby, cold and undeserving, and she's one of those kids. Also, it's made clear that she doesn't like the rich kids, but by doing that, it kind of gives off the feeling that Stella doesn't appreciate what she's got. She whines a lot about being rich, and it just made me think about how lucky she is that she has enough food and what not, but she thinks of it as more of a burden than anything. Does that make sense? That adds to the selfish feeling she gives off sometimes.

I'm blabbering now, so I think I'll wrap it up. My thoughts and critiques are a but all over the place here, so I hope you can make sense of them. If there is anything that's unclear, just let me know. Even though this review does seem a bit harsh, I do honestly like this. The main problem here is to do with character, which isn't surprising because the one thing I personally struggle with with my writing is keeping my characters in line. With some touches, I think you'll have her down perfectly.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Sun Jul 31, 2011 5:34 pm
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borntobeawriter says...



Hey there Lavi!

I'm one of the judges of the first chapter contest, here to review!

First off: Holy Canoli! What am I supposed to say after those reviews?

My first thought when finishing this was how full of clichés this story is. The snobbish mother, who seems cold and unfeeling, the rich kid/poor kid statuses and potential relationship, the brother leaving, our poor MC is left alone, the romance movies thrown into the mix, giving us an idea where this is headed.

Well, considering how cold and unfeeling her mother is, I find it very difficult that she would watch sappy love movies. Maybe it's Stella who watches them and reads them, but her mother? She didn't give off that vibe.

look back, eyes empty of any emotion. It's like the movies my mother rents at times, where the girl and boy have a connection. Luca starts to move away from the net, moving toward me. My legs are like jelly, jiggling, jiggling, jiggling with anxiety. I glance back at Saskia who's trembling for me, look back at Luca only see him being hit right smack in the head with a hard soccer ball.
Ok, what? Why in the world are her eyes empty of emotion, when the rest of her is jiggling and trembling? How does she feel, Lavie?

The thing with 1st person POV is that you're plugging your reader directly into your MC's brain. We are her thoughts, we are her emotions. And this is potentially an interesting scene, except that she's acting at odds with herself, at odds with how a teenager would act. Especially one who's open-minded to the poorer people of this world.

And is this the first time that Luca looks at her? If yes, then why would she automatically think it's a connection they have? Because you don't describe what she feels, how could we know? Does it feel like Cupid's arrow hit her straight in the heart? And so on. Help us feel what she feels.

LIke Snoink said, you should definitely keep writing this. First (And second, third, fourth(!!!)) drafts are what writing is all about. But what I would suggest is that you pull back for a minute, and create character spreadsheets. If you aren't sure how to go about it, Google it, they give plenty of great examples.

But I get the feeling that you have no idea how your characters are so supposed to act, as per who they are. Which is why your characters are so at odds with the story. Why is the mother showing one side of her, but apparently has another? Why is Stella saying how she loves poor people, but is cold and snobby around them? If the whole rich kid/poor kid is such a war, what does Luca's friend apologise for his comment, when this is the type of thing they must hear daily? And, also, why are they all at the same school? Shouldn't the rich kids be in a private elite school of some sort?

If you do this, and make the story your own, with all it's twists and turns, I'm sure you'll turn out with an awesome romance that people will be dying to read. Let me know when you edit it, okay?

Tanya
  








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