The Soul Collector- 1

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 26
The hospital reeked of death, the stench of disinfectant barely covering it up. For a building that’s sole purpose was the preservation of life, the scent of corpses lingered in the air like a gloat. There was more death than life. Alec’s nose wrinkled as he strode through the hallways unnoticed. Nobody turned to look at him as he walked. Of course they didn’t. At most, he might’ve been a brief flicker in their peripheral. No other collectors were in the hospital that day and Alec was almost grateful for the isolation. Many of his comrades were tied up roaming the battlefields of the Middle East or wandering across third world countries, collecting the results of disease, deformity, violence and hunger. Alec still had memories from his stints on both. They haunted him like whispers. Too quiet and yet deafeningly loud, finding him in the depths of sleep.

Perhaps that was why he avoided other collectors. Maybe he didn’t like facing the fact that he was different. He still cared about everything he gathered, empathy and emotions weighing down on him like chains. He was a young collector, by most standards and he most certainly appeared youthful. Physically he could be put at eighteen or nineteen years of age but chronologically he had been around since the dawn of the Roman Empire.

At last, Alec reached the room he was looking for and, when he peered inside he saw a small child nestled in a hospital bed. Her head was bare from the radiation that had failed to kill anything but her hope. Her skin was chalky and melted to her small, fragile bones and dark, bruise-like shadows dwelt beneath her sad, blue eyes. It hurt just to look at her.

Help me, she whispered, piercing the heavy silence of the room even though her lips didn’t move. She reached out to him with a distinct tremor to her hand. Her dry lips parted and she tried to speak, but no words escaped. Or perhaps there were no words to say. Instead, tears began to roll down her hollowed cheeks.

“Don’t cry,” Alec said softly. The girl’s mother didn’t stir in her chair. Alec’s words were for the girl’s ears and hers alone. Alec wondered how many days, weeks, and months that woman had sent praying from that chair. Or maybe she didn’t believe in God? Alec didn’t. He had seen too much pain for there to be anything more. No matter how many similar situations he’d witnessed, no matter how many aching souls he encountered, his proverbial heart broke for every single one of them. “There’s no more need for tears.”

Alec approached the girl with silent steps and as he gazed into her weary eyes, he caught a single tear that tumbled free from her eyes. And in that brief moment of contact her eyes faded and her body fell back onto the pillow as little more than an empty shell. Alec reached his hand into the girl and withdrew a ball of bright, coloured light. It had a fluttering beat to it, like the wings of a butterfly. He held the orb to the pendant he wore and he stored the light within it.

“Samantha?” the woman bolted upright in her chair as the machines in the room began to shriek at the absence of life. Alec watched her sob into Samantha’s corpse.

“She knows no more pain,” Alec said. His comforts fell on deaf ears. “That, at least, is something to be grateful for.” With that, Alec turned on his heels and strode out the door, Samantha’s soul hanging from his neck.

**


Alec was in no hurry to gather more souls, so he went for a stroll. It occurred to him that soul collectors really shouldn’t ‘stroll’ but he didn’t want to see kids in hospital beds or bodies in alleyways. Collectors had the ability to interfere in mortal matters, but they weren’t supposed to. For example, if Alec managed to locate a murderer, he could rip the man’s soul from his body, but he was prohibited from doing any such thing. His job was to clean up the mess the murderers made.

The autumn air was cool and crisp and touched Alec’s skin like the gentle stroke of fingertips. Some of the trees were already bare, their leafless arms and fingers reaching towards him as if they were at death’s door. Leaves crunched under his boots and despite the sound, nobody acknowledged his existence. Alec wasn’t lonely, however. He had souls around his neck to keep him company. If he held it to his ear, he could just faintly hear them whispering to one another, to themselves, to him.

People bustled about as it was a particularly busy street with corner shops and street vendors. How could he feel alone surrounded by so many? It’s impossible, Alec thought to himself, to feel alone. It’s impossible.

A small child stood at the trunk of a barren tree, tears tumbling down his cheeks as he reached futilely for the balloon entangled in the tree’s branches. If there had been a breeze Alec would have been able to move the balloon free without arousing suspicion. Alec’s gaze left the small child and rested on a couple standing on the street corner, their lips locked, completely oblivious to the world around them.

“Do you want a painting? Only five pounds apiece,” a voice asked. For a moment Alec thought that he was being addressed but as he turned to see the owner of the voice, he saw a young girl offering paintings to human passersby. Alec was struck by her beauty. He noticed her hair first. It was long and sleek and looked like lines of ink running down to her waist, contrasting with her porcelain skin. Though her eyes were what enraptured him, the deep green colours of moss and flecks of yellow were tainted with a sadness and knowledge of the world that seemed beyond her years. She couldn’t have been any older than seventeen and yet there was a sageness too her and her eyes looked like they had seen too much, yet not enough. She hugged her knees to fend off the cold; her petite frame seemed so fragile that Alec feared a strong enough wind would blow her away.

Alec wanted to know her more than he had ever wanted anything in his existence. Never before had he felt such a longing and it almost pained him to look at her. She wore baggy jeans that were tattered at the hem and ripped at the knees and her white, long-sleeved v-neck was spattered with paint. “Please? Wouldn’t you like a painting?” Splayed before her were a series of paintings done on canvas. They depicted flowers, rainforests, oceans and even people. They were beautiful, but no one wanted them. She was beautiful, but no one acknowledged her.

“Nora?” a man called. The girl, Nora, looked up and her angelic face contorted with fear as the man stepped out of his car and moved towards her. He wore a plane t-shirt and jeans, his white-blonde hair dishevelled, sticking out at odd ends as if he’d stuck his finger in an electrical socket.

“Leave me alone!” Nora warned as she frenetically gathered her paintings. “Stay away from me!

“You’re selling your paintings? This is ridiculous! Tell your mother she’s nuts. If you’re reduced to selling your art on the side of the road, how the hell are you going to eat?”

“We’re doing fine without you,” Nora snapped, resting her art comfortably on her hip like she would a small child. She looked at him with contempt and disgust. Even her hatred is beautiful, Alec noted. “With a distinct lack of bruises, I might add.” The man was taken aback and a look of hurt flashed across his face. Alec felt a sense of satisfaction.

“Come home,” the man said, grabbing her arm. “I want you to come home.”

“Let go, Connor!” Nora growled as she tried to prise his fingers from her arm. “You’re hurting me!” Rage broiled in Alec’s stomach, something he hadn’t felt in centuries and he pushed the man away from Nora. Connor staggered back, shocked.

“What the hell...” he trailed.

“Stay the hell away from us!” Nora shouted as Connor got into his car and drove off at top speed. “You can’t have me anymore,” she whispered to the rear of the car as a lonely tear rolled down her face.

“Are you ok?” Alec asked, knowing she wouldn’t hear him. He longed to reach out and touch her, to hold her and say it would be ok. But he couldn’t reveal himself to her. It was against the rules.
Last edited by Alexwriter on Fri Apr 22, 2011 3:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
I reject your reality and substitute my own




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9692
Reviews 3900
Hi Alex! Interesting set up you have here! I think it's interesting that he can take away souls and remain unseen. At first, I thought it was because he was a god or someone with godlike powers, but apparently God doesn't exist, so yeah! I'm wondering how he can be unseen... hopefully that will be explained later?

The walk after he goes away from Samantha seems a bit too contrived... I would either disconnect the scene entirely (just start off with "he walked" with no attempt of explanation that he likes to go for walks) or make the scene more meandering so that the first interesting thing he sees on this walk is not Nora. Here, I think, the rule of three would be lovely. So, he sees two interesting things and then the third thing he sees on this walk is Nora. It'll give the piece a better feeling, I think.

As for Nora and Conner? Conner doesn't really seem to fit the whole abusive father sort of thing. He seems legitimately concerned with his daughter. Yes, he's rough with her. But he doesn't insult her, he doesn't deny anything, he kind of just takes everything in. From my perspective, it looks like he's just trying to help his daughter and failing miserably at his attempt. If anybody seems abusive, it's her mother. Her mother has isolated her away from a father who seems to want to help her, she's using her daughter to gain money, doesn't give Nora a home, and she's not taking care of her daughter in any visible form. Plus, the daughter defends the mother really easily, despite being used and homeless. So, it looks like the mother is user and a rather abusive one at that. So, just be very careful here. I think you want to go with the abusive father sort of thing, but the mother fits this role a lot better.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 2
wow Alex ! great job! i think you're amazing! keep up the good work and you know honestly im really glad i joined this site...im glad to have come across a writer like you! keep writing....and you inspire me to write more and write better! i hope we can have talk about Fantasy fiction..if you're up for it...im sure i could use some good pointers! cheers!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 4
hey this is apretty good story. Why don't I kind of list all the positives and the negatives?

Good:
1) Brilliant concept, really unique, really creative
2) No distracting or overly described details
3) Nice introduction
4) Very mature writing skills

Bad;

1) Lack of fine details when Alec sees Nora
2) Could not describe Nora properly
3) Alec's feelings towards Nora felt too sudden, may be you should slow it down a bit. It's always good to start with awe, but for the moment, you should really focus on his feeling pity for her rather than her beauty.
4) I felt the chpater ended too quickly

Hope this helps. I would really like it if you reviewd my novel Speak Now. I found a slight similarity in our writing, I wonder if you'll find it too.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3277
Reviews 138
This was fantastic! You have such a way with words and the idea of this piece is so creative. I very much liked how you have a great plotline and then you have the budding romance that enters into it. Those are my favorite kinds of stories. You do a brilliant job of showing us these parts of the story. Some points I would like to make though are: one, I think that you should give more a description of Nora. Give us an idea of why Alec is so drawn to her and he hasn't even met her. I agree with one of the people above me about Alec's feelings progressing too quickly. I understand that he would want to help her because he seems to be sympathetic to humans, but I think he should just be more intrigued with her than falling love, which is what it seems like is going on right then. You are a wonderful writer!

Cheers,
Luxe :D
...or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it?
Fear makes the wolf seem bigger.
I got attacked by a swan.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 26
Thanks soo much for the tips and the support. I've now edited it as well as the other chapters and have completed a short fifth chapter which I will upload soon. Thanks again :)
I reject your reality and substitute my own




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4674
Reviews 151
I really liked this piece. First of all, it's an entirely new concept, which I love, and also I like the mystery in here. The mystery him, how he came to be a Collector, Nora's backstory and why Connor wanted her back, etc. Anyways, I jsut really loved this, and I can't wait to read the next chapters! :)
Forever for All <3

MUSIC RULES! :)

Everyday is Earth Day! :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1276
Reviews 378
Truly amazing Alex!!! This made me cry and laugh. It was beautiful and I truly truly can't wait for more!!! Keep up the good work and I will most definitely read the rest of this today and tomorrow when I'm not dead tired and having my hands cramping from the insistent typing!! Good luck and Keep up the beautiful work!! I don't see any grammar errors nor spelling so you seem ok there ^^. Hope you receive many helpful reviews and Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.



There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.
— Bram Stoker