So, here we go:
EMOTION:
This piece portrayed enough emotion to make my eyes tear up, and I usually don't tear up over anything that I read. The only book that ever really made me cry was "Marley and Me", but, I feel like I can relate to this. And, in a way, I actually can. Won't go into my life story, but this was great. You want the reader to think back when they're reading your piece and be able to get emotional like that, to read this and maybe spark a memory of something similar that happened to them. It really got me remembering.
GRAMMAR:
I believe that this time, your grammar was absolutely perfect. I don't know what you did differently to this piece than the last piece of yours that I critiqued, but keep it up! This was pretty much flawless!
PETTY MISTAKES:
Eh... there were a few petty mistakes, but who doesn't have those? I mean, you know an uncapitalized letter here and there. I'm sure someone above me has pointed out the little details, as these YWSers tend to do. ^ ^
CHARACTERIZATION:
Your characters had raw emotion. You could tell how they were feeling just by their actions. You could've easily gotten away with not even writing dialogue! Not saying that you shouldn't use dialogue, I mean it's good enough that you can capture the emotion without even reading what they say to one another. I love the demeanor of Alex. I can really see them both pretty clearly in my mind. Maybe you should work more on the demeanor and the characterization of the parents though. :/ They could use a little work. Maybe, as he's walking up the stairs, they're whispering to one another or they even smirk at him? I don't know. You get the idea though.
TIPS:
I just have one tip: publishers tend to not like the use of prologues or prefaces for some reason or other, so I suggest that if this is something you seriously want to pursue, that maybe you make this the first chapter. I know it's short, but chapters can be any length, from one word to any number of pages!
OVERALL:
Overall, I think that this piece has promise and potential, but it's pretty short to understand how far it could possibly go. I understand here you're coming from though. As soon as I write even a few sentences of something, I'm tempted to jump on YWS and post it, just to see the kind of response I'd get. But, anyhoo, I really enjoyed this actually. I'm interested to see how this goes. With as many books as I read, it's kind of shocking that I've never read a book where a sister and brother were romantically involved. I think you should actually try to continue this. If you get bored of it or give up on it, well, no harm done. You haven't much written anyway, but it could end up pretty interesting. ^-^
Ever need another critique or advice or anything, be sure to PM me or post on my "Will Review For Food" thread!
-Melissa
P.S. This work has been gold-starred.
