Forbidden Love

Preface

The leaves quivered at the wind’s mercy as the wind blew about the boy and girl. It passed through their blond hair, kicking up the strands that were torn about in the wind, just like their emotion. “Alex, I am going to miss you,” A young girl whispered to her brother as she hugged him.

“I’ll miss you too, Rachel,” her twin brother whispered back. The girl pulled back from her brother and stared at him. He hated that their parents were tearing them apart just because they wanted their daughter to go to a better school. And, he thought as an after thought, to get away from me. Their parents had a sneaky feeling that something more than just sibling love going on between them and they wanted to get rid of it.

Just because a stupid school, he thought. The winds caressed them and blew a strand of hair in front of Rachel’s face. Alex caught a hold of the strand and hooked it behind her ear. I’m never going to see my brother again, she thought.

“I have something for you,” Alex said as he dug into his pockets. He pulled out a box and opened it. In it was a necklace with two halves.

“Alex,” she said as her hand reach up to touch the necklace. He took one half of the necklace and places the other half in his pocket. He put the necklace around her neck and clasped it. The pedant fell in between her breasts.

“But what about the other half?” she asked. Alex grinned as he took out the other and placed it around his neck. It fell against his chest.

“For me,” He said.

“Rachel, come on! Your grandparents are ready to leave,” her father said as he put the last of the bags away in the grandparents’ car. Rachel looked at her father, and then turned back to her brother. She felt tears come her eyes. She hugged him one last time, before walking over to the car and getting in. Their grandparents said goodbye and then got into the car as well. They started up the automobile and pulled out of the driveway.

Alex followed the car until he stood out in the middle of the road. His sister rolled down the window. “Bye, Alex!” she cried as she waved her hand. He raised his hand and waved back at her until the car was out of sight. The clouds started to come in and darken the sky.

He slowly lowered his hand. “Bye, Rachel,” he whispered before he dragged himself back to the house. He ignored his parents as he walked into the house. He went to his room. As he walked up the stairs, he noticed how empty the whole house felt as he went up. His sister made this place bearable, but now it was a living hell on earth.

Hey, Bri. You called for a critique-r and here I am, answering that call =]

Red is all the words that you need to add or words that I changed.
Bold is all my suggestions and comments.
Bold and Italics are things that are examples.
[s]Strikethrough[/s] is what it is.

Okay, here we go!

~ ~ ~ ~

Preface


“Brother, I am going to miss you,” [s]A[/s] a [s]teenage-aged[/s] I'm not sure what you mean here, but either use "teenager" or "teenage". The way you have it doesn't make sense. whispered to her brother as she hugged him.


“I will miss you too, sister,” her twin brother whispered back. Just so you know, yeah, it's cool that they say brother and sister. But to make it more believable, you could use "bro" and "sis". Just a suggestion The girl pulled back from her brother and stared at him. He hated that his parents were tearing them [s]part[/s] apart [s]bust[/s] just because they want their daughter to go to a better school.


“Rachel, come on! Your grandparents are ready to leave,” [s]Her[/s] her father said as he put the last of the bags away in the grandparents’ car. Rachel looked at her father, and then turned back to her brother. She hugged him one last time, before walking over to the car. She got in the car. Combine these two last sentences. Maybe like: She hugged him one last time before walking over to the car and getting in. The grandparents said goodbye and then got into the car as well. They started up the car and pulled out of the driveway.


Alex I'm guessing Alex is the brother? If he is, mentiong this earlier so the reader isn't confused. followed the car until he stood out in the middle of the road. His sister rolled down the window. “Bye comma Alex!” she cried as she waved her hand. He raised his hand and [s]wave[/s] waved back at her until the car was out of sight.


He slowly lowered his hand. “Bye comma Rachel,” he whispered before he dragged himself back to the house.

~ ~ ~ ~

I don't know why, but I have a really weird (and maybe sick) feeling that the brother and sister fall in love I know that's totally wrong and wierd, but that's just the vibe I got. I bet I'm way off base so just ignore me ^_^

Otherwise, I thought this was super good, but you need more description. There wasn't really anything. What does it look like outside? Is it dark? Light? Are they in the suburbs or urban? Stuff like that helps the reader a lot with the mental picture.

Also, this was too short for my taste. If you add detail, it will definitely lengthen this right up.

And another thing, add more to the emotions. What is Rachel thinking? Alex? It will help the story move along.

Other than that, this was good. I look forward to more!

Let me know when you post the next piece =]

Night Mistress wrote:Preface

“Brother, I am going to miss you,” A teenage-aged (teenager?) whispered to her brother as she hugged him.

“I will miss you too, sister,” her twin brother whispered back. The girl pulled back from her brother and stared at him. He hated that his parents were tearing them part bust because they want their daughter to go to a better school.

(If I were you, I would change 'brother' and 'sister' to bro/sis, or use their actual names. )

“Rachel, come on! Your grandparents are ready to leave,” Her father said as he put the last of the bags away in the grandparents’ car. Rachel looked at her father, and then turned back to her brother. She hugged him one last time, before walking over to the car. She got in the car. The grandparents said goodbye and then got into the car as well. They started up the car and pulled out of the driveway.

Alex followed the car until he stood out in the middle of the road. His sister rolled down the window. “Bye Alex!” she cried as she waved her hand. He raised his hand and wave back at her until the car was out of sight.

He slowly lowered his hand. “Bye Rachel,” he whispered before he dragged himself back to the house.

Other than a few typos, this is really good!
I love the closeness of the two kids.
This is a story that I'd be interested in reading,
if you decided to continue it.
GREAT job!

Everyone keeps beating me to the nit-picks today! *grumbles*

Oh well.

There are only a few things I want to say.

-It really bugs me how the twins refer to each other as "brother" and "sister." In real life, do you know anyone who would talk like that? It is also less confusing for the reader if you use the twins' names.

-You need more emotion. What are the twins thinking?

-This was a little too short. I can't really give it a negative or positive review, because nothing happened.

-I agree with Ashley Lee- You make it seem that the twins are going to fall in love.

-Read through your story before you post it several times. You had several blaring errors such as using the word "bust" instead of "just."

Sorry if this was kind of harsh. It was good, just short. ^_^

Hope this helped,
~Sakura~

Okay.

Both old and new readers:

I have edited the preface. Please enjoy.

Night Mistress.

Ciao!

Allow me to star out with...

A brother and sister stood out in their front yard. The leaves quivered at the wind’s mercy as winds blew. It passed through the boy’s and girl’s blond hair, kicking up strands of hairs.” Alex, I am going to miss you,” A teenager whispered to her brother as she hugged him.

By starting out with A brother and sister stood out in their front yard. you give the reader a very short blunt statement that doesn't draw them in. You might want to try starting as such:

The leaves quivered at the wind’s mercy as winds blew about the brother and sister. It passed through their blond hair, kicking up strands that were torn about in the wind, just like their emotions.” Alex, I'm going to miss you,” A teenager whispered to her brother as she hugged him.

You don't really need to specify that he's a teenager. It jumps out randomly in that sentence, not adding to the emotion of the characters. When writing try not to give the reader narrative hints, allow the characters to tell the readers what you want them to know. That may sound confusing, but when someones reading you want them to read it as if their watching a movie. In a movie you wouldn't have someone randomly saying "I'm a teenager hugging you while whispering". The act of whispering and hugging holds enough emotion that adding information to it would break the connection the readers are having.

“I'll miss you too, Rachel,” her twin brother whispered back. The girl pulled back from her brother and stared at him. He hated that his parents were tearing them apart just because they wanted their daughter to go to a better school. Just because a stupid school he thought. The winds caressed them and blew a strand of hair in front of Rachel’s face. Alex picked the strand and hooked it behind her ear. I’m never going to see my brother again she thought.

Instead of writing out their thoughts you might want to separate them into different paragraphs where each of them gives an outlook of what their feeling instead of jumbling it into one paragraph.

“Rachel, come on! Your grandparents are ready to leave,” her father said as he put the last of the bags away in the grandparents’ car. Rachel looked at her father, and then turned back to her brother. She felt tears to come her eyes. She hugged him one last time, before walking over to the car and getting in. The grandparents said goodbye and then got into the car as well. They started up the car and pulled out of the driveway.

take out the to

Just add a tag more emotion. It's hard to get a fix on the feelings of both characters. Differentiating them would add more "Uumph" to the story.

Hope I could help a bit! Let me know if you want some more advice. I'm always happy to help!

Ciao!
--Bo_0ts

Hey, Bri. I'm just going to point out the mistakes that didn't seem right here. Otherwise, everyone did an amazing job with everything else.

The leaves quivered at the wind’s mercy as winds blew.

Okay, you used the word wind twice. Try, breeze. And, the ending...there's something wrong with it. Try, The leaves quivered at the wind's mercy as the wind/breeze blew.
You just needed, the, for it to sound right.

It passed through the boy’s and girl’s blond hair, kicking up strands of hairs.

The word hair is used twice here. Try, lock or strand.

” Alex, I am going to miss you,” A teenager whispered to her brother as she hugged him.

Don't use the word teenager. Just try, the young girl whispered...


*Night Mistress~

Here are some thoughts and comments while reading this preface...

*Sibling Love~
Maybe I'm wrong here, but is the relationship between Rachel and Alex beyond sibling love? Like an adult love? Oh, and way way back then people married their cousins. (Read Mansfield Park) But, now it's just weird. Just a thought I had.

*Without her~
How's Alex life going to be a living hell without Rachel? I like to see the outcome in the later chapters. And why would Rachel go to a different school then Alex? Or is she going to a Private Girls School?

*Overall~
Besides those grammar pointers, that was just about it. Um, I would like to see my questions answered later within the story. But, don't tell me now. If you do plan on continuing pm me. Great Job!

*Merry

A brother and sister stood out in their front yard. The leaves quivered at the wind’s mercy as winds blew [You say winds twice in this sentence - try to use varying terms to describe it]. It passed through the boy’s and girl’s [Instead of mentioning both their hair, why don't you say something like, It ran through the siblings' fine golden hair]blond hair, kicking up strands of hairs.” [Space here not needed]Alex, I am going to miss you,” A teenager whispered to her brother as she hugged him [Get rid of A teenager and just say something like the girl].

“I will [If this is in modern day, which I have yet to see what time frame it is in, then he would just say I'll] miss you too, Rachel,” her twin brother whispered back. The girl pulled back from her brother and stared at him [You say brother and sister too much. Use their names - we know who they are now]. He hated that his parents [They're not just his parents; they're hers, too, right?] were tearing them apart just because they want [Tense check. Should be wanted] their daughter to go to a better school. Just because a stupid school he thought [Weird sentence. Thoughts should be in Italics and also should be separated from everything else with a comma]. The winds caressed them [Move past the wind. Find something else to describe their surroundings or the weather. How about the dark clouds?] and blew a strand of hair in front of Rachel’s face. Alex picked the strand [He just picked it? Why not say he caught hold of?] and hooked it behind her ear. I’m never going to see my brother again she thought [See previous comment on thoughts].

“Rachel, come on! Your grandparents are ready to leave,” her father said as he put the last of the bags away in the grandparents’ car. Rachel looked at her father, and then turned back to her brother. She felt tears to come her eyes [This phrase is used so often. Find something more original to describe how the tears sprang to her eyes]. She hugged him one last time, [No need for comma here] before walking over to the car and getting in. The grandparents [Their sounds better than the] said goodbye and then got into the car as well. They started up the car [You say car too much. Cut one or two] and pulled out of the driveway.

Alex followed the car until he stood out in the middle of the road. His sister rolled down the window. “Bye, Alex!” she cried as she waved her hand. He raised his hand and waved back at her until the car was out of sight.

He slowly lowered his hand. “Bye, Rachel,” he whispered [You have a sentence nearly identical to this in the paragraph prior. Vary up the structure] before he dragged himself back to the house. He ignored his parents as he walked into the house [I know this is just being picky, but I hate having the same word twice so closely together. Get rid of one house]. He went to his room. As he walked up the stairs, he noticed how empty the whole house felt as he went up. His sister made this place bearable, but now it was a living hell on earth.

I thought it was... melodramatic. The sister was going to school, not to prison or anything. The fact that they were convinced they were never going to see each other again was kind of weird.

This, as a beginning, was okay, I guess. Too short to be a chapter or even a Prologue. There was no hint of what is to come to make me want to keep reading.

All in all, fine. The writing wasn't horrible, but it could use some improvement. Why not give us as the readers some detail into the MC's pasts? Or have them talk a little more, mention their fear of something dangerous ahead?

Just suggestions. Hope this review helped, and keep writing.

So this is going to be about incest, hmm? Well, do handle it sensitively--it's very taboo. Such issues have the potential of being written very carefully and poignantly, or absolutely horrendous, leaving everyone cringing. I hope it will be the former, if you're going to do more on this, which I'm guessing you are, with this being a preface.
Loved the part about the quivering leaves. Shame there was not more of this imagery. Of course, preface's have to be subtle and tantalisingly implicit, but it could have been a lot more affecting.
Grammatically, you only erred with writing the dialogue. The others have elaborated on that.

Hope to read more.

Lauren

Forbidden Love is in the processing of being edited as we speak.

~Night Mistress

I really like this. Some of your sentences don't make sence, you might want to re-read this.

I can't wait to read more! This pulls me in and I want to read more! This is reallly good! You're a really good writer!

Please PM when you write more! =]

-Krisy

Hey, Bri. I'm back and ready to review =]

The leaves quivered at the wind’s mercy as the wind blew about the boy and girl.

I wouldn't use "wind" in the same sentence. That just gets funny. Maybe try: The leaves quivered at the wind's mercy as the frigid air blew over the boy and girl. or something.

~ ~ ~ ~

Wow, you have no idea how much better this version is. You give us so much more to work with. Excellent job, Bri! As you can tell, I only have the one thing above to point out.

Otherwise, beautiful work. I look forward to more =]

Hey Night!

I think this might be the first thing I'm reading by you. But there's really nothing for me to critique because it looks like everyone else picked out everything.

Overall Comments

* When I look for a book in the store, I read the first sentence to see if the writer is worth spending my money on. (This method of picking books work for me, so if you have a good first line there is no doubt I won't like the book) Your opening sentence hooked me like a fish, just do those readjustments that Ashley pointed out and you'll be find. Anyways, the title is okay but it seems like it's used a lot. I like finding double meanings or using a different language to make my title different, you know? And sometimes a book doesn't have to be wrapped around the title's finger. You can write a book about an old couple revisiting their married life before they die and call it Trapped . The title is supposed to make the reader wonder and it's as much as important as the opening sentence, but that's just my opinion. Think about it.

* I really really liked this and I didn't see what it was like before but you are off to a good start.

Please, PM me when you post more and good luck!

Ta,

~Angel

P.S.

His sister made this place bearable, but now it was a living hell on earth.

This ending line was phenomenal.

Back again, Night Mistress!

I like that you revised it, I hate critiquing things and watching the author ignore them. You have taken suggestions and improved this. Kudos. ^_^ *hands cookie*

The leaves quivered at the wind’s mercy as the wind blew about the boy and girl. It passed through their blond hair, kicking up the strands that were torn about in the wind, just like their emotion.

Gorgeous.
There are a few things I would like to point out, though...

-It kind of bothers me that you use the word wind twice in rapid succession.
-The other part I bolded seems to have too much description. If the wind is kicking up their hair, of course the hair is being "torn" about. Torn is also a strange word to use for this.

going to miss you,” A young girl

De-capitalize a.

“I’ll miss you too, Rachel,” her twin brother whispered back. The girl pulled back from her brother and stared at him. He hated that their parents were tearing them apart

This should be in several paragraphs. It is odd how you have the girl as the subject (when she pulls back) and then quickly switch to the boy (he). It makes the reader think, "Wait, who are we talking about here?"
I would rewrite as:

"I'll miss you too, Rachel," her twin brother whispered back.
The girl pulled back at her brother and started at him. How did she stare? Add some description here.
He hated that their...

Just because a stupid school, he thought. The winds caressed them and blew a strand of hair in front of Rachel’s face. Alex caught a hold of the strand and hooked it behind her ear. I’m never going to see my brother again, she thought.

I love the word caressed here... but before, you acted as though the wind were harsh- It was kicking up their hair and blowing leaves.
Also, when Rachel thinks, put it in a new paragraph.

The clouds started to come in and darken the sky.

This description is a bit cliche. "Oh no! My love has gone away and now everything is horrid!" Cue dark sky or a storm. ^_^

All in all, I much prefer this re-write.

Very good.

Hope this helped,
Sakura

*Night Mistress~

Here are some comments and thoughts with this revision of yours!

*The very beginning~
Wow. Night Mistress, this was an amazing rewrite. I just love the new beginning. I love how you said that the wind or was it the hair (?) was like their emotions. Very good!

*Awww-ness~
I was right and I think everyone else was about their relationship. It's cute having them love each other like that. Makes me wanna read Mansfield Park...

*Half a heart~
Okay, the pendant thing was so adorable! Loved it. Nothing much I can say about it. Besides so cute.

*Overall~
Night Mistress, this was like an whole transformation. Beautiful, an absolutely wonderful read. I really hope you do continue. I really wanna know what's going to happen to them. Wow. This totally made my day. Thanks!

*Merry