The Triangle Effect

Theodorable · 2008-10-27T17:48:48Z

Chapter 1 The Unexpected Visitor “Hey, Chris!” I heard a familiar voice call behind me. I turned around to see my best friends heading towards me. “Hey guys,” I said. My friend Annie Williams was wearing her usual apparel; cargo pants, a tee-shirt, and converse. While Landon, who was standing next to her, was wearing his t-shirt, jeans, and converse. Then I saw Gab comming up behind them, wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and sandles. They were so different from me. I usually wore a collar shirt with jeans and flip-flops, while my dark brown hair was twisted up into a clip or ponytail. “You didn’t wait for us after class. Landon and Gab had to tell me that you had to drive home to do something.” Annie complained. “You need to tell her next time,” said Landon Banmore, “She was being stubborn again.” “Yeah. We’re not doing your dirty work for you anymore,” Gab complained. “Hey, I’m sorry. I’m kinda in a rush right now, I need to get home. Wait a minute where’s Derron?” I asked. “He had a meeting to go to.” Gab said. She and Derron were seniors this year, while Annie, Landon, and I were sophomores. “Hey, Gabriella Anster!” “Oh, great.” Gab turned around with a look of horror on her face. Her some-what stalker was walking straight for us. “Hey, Monte! The fishing club is on a trip today. Why don’t you join them?” I yelled down the hallway. Monte stopped mid-stride and stared at me. I was so tired of him and so was Gab. It was time to get rid of him. “You heard me. Go get your fishing pole and go catch your dinner.” Monte walked right past us, his face in a state of hurt, without a word. “Thanks, Chris. I owe you one, big-time,” Gab said with a sigh of relief. “No problem. I was getting tired of him too.” “Well, um Chris look who’s coming this way,” Landon said with a look of amusement. I turned thinking it was someone wanting the answers to our trigonometry homework when I saw him. Everrett Crosby, the most amazing junior to ever walk these halls, was coming this way. Everrett was 5’11 with gorgeous chocolate brown hair and the most amazing smile. But what had me hooked were his amazing green eyes. When, if ever, he turned his eyes my way, I would melt. “Chris, Are you okay?” Annie asked me. I vaguely remember what happened while I was under Everrett’s spell, but one moment I was staring at him, the next I was being pulled into a pair of strong arms from behind me. I stiffened and I heard laughing. I looked to see Derron O’Hare holding me in his arms. “Derron!” I yelled up into his face. “Oh, alright. I’ll put you down.” “Thank you very much,” Sometimes Derron got on my last nerve, but I could never stay mad at him for long. “You did that just because I was staring again, didn’t you?” “Well, kinda. But I haven’t seen you since homeroom. I thought I’d give you a hug.” Derron had a way of looking at me with his big brown eyes and frowning that I couldn’t stay mad at him for long. His hair, which looped down over his face sometimes was almost the exact same color as his mocha eyes. It was cute. “Oh stop it,” Landon said. Landon's brown hair covered his face most of the time, so I couldn’t see his crystal blue eyes. He now turned them on me. “Chris, why do you drool over that guy?” “I don’t drool!” I said, defending myself. “I just- stare a little too long.” “You drool.” I heard Gab say behind me. I turned to Gab, thankful that she was shorter than me. I looked down into her almost black eyes, and just stared at her. She pulled at a strand of her hair and stared back. “Okay, so I drool, but it’s your job to stop me before I embarrass myself.” “I did stop you,” Derron said trying to justify his bear hug from earlier. “Okay, I’ll let that one slide, but don’t do it again!” “Aww, you think Everrett will think we’re going out, don’t you?” “No! I mean no, but don’t squeeze me next time.” I turned to see Annie, Landon, and Gab smiling at me. “What?” More laughing. “What?” “You, um, have a visitor behind you.” Annie barely got it out before another burst of laughter. I slowly turned my head. Oh. My. Gosh. Everrett Crosby was standing next to Derron. And he was smiling at me.

Emozemo

Gender

Points 890

Reviews 3

Sat Nov 08, 2008 7:55 am

Emozemo says... · Sat Nov 08, 2008 7:55 am

Hey teaddy... I'm much Junior writer comapred to you..
Sorry Can't give ya review.. Sowwie..!!!
But Want so say that made me feel
I'm Ghost..Who's present there when converstion between was going on..
You words made me imagined
The whole scene..

May Be I'm wrong..

Take Care
Keep Writing..

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Emozemo

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Points 890

Reviews 3

Sat Nov 08, 2008 7:57 am

Emozemo says... · Sat Nov 08, 2008 7:57 am

Hey Honey... I'm much Junior writer comapred to you..
Can't give ya review.. Sowwie..!!!
but do consider as review..

But Want so say that made me feel scene..
Feel's Like Ghost..Who's present there when converstion was going on..
You words made me imagine the whole scene..

Take Care Keep Writing..

Hold My Hands..Let's Remember What We Share..
Understand That I know..
You Really Care..
Did You Ever Think of Me ..
As BEST FRIEND..

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Kaylyn

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Points 9917

Reviews 297

Sat Nov 08, 2008 2:20 pm

Kaylyn says... · Sat Nov 08, 2008 2:20 pm

I think that this could be a great story. It just seems a little cliche at this beginning. Make it your own, blow the other writers out of the water. My stories were a bit cliche at the beginning, but turned into something unique. I can see great potential with this story. Especially since I've taken a peek at the next two chapters.

Don't get discouraged. Keep writing, take others opinions and run with them. Posting them of YWS lets you know the true opinions of readers. I like it so far, and I hope that you continue. Good luck!

As your pretty, so be wise,
Wolves may lurk in every guise.

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mnesomeye

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Points 890

Reviews 45

Fri Dec 19, 2008 6:51 pm

mnesomeye says... · Fri Dec 19, 2008 6:51 pm

I understand that people think loveablelittlesocks' critique was too harsh, but most of it needed to be said. Perhaps a little more tactfully, though.

However, seeing as LLS (loveablelittlesocks) has already dissected the story enough, I suppose I'll just do an overall review like everyone else. This story is... well, as LLS said, the same as every other high school romance on the net. We know already that Everett and Chris will fall in love, have a fight, and get back together again. We already know that Derron is jealous, and that the girl who Chris is talking to won't play a major part in the story except to fill in between events (and conveniently have Everett's number and address on her phone, etck).

Dude, don't worry; I don't actually blame you for this. I blame Meg Cabot and her unrealistic, stereotypical, STUPID [s]novels[/s] piles of junk. Every single one of them is a carbon copy of the last with a different high school name and character description, and for some reason, everyone seems to buy into it. *shrugs*

I'd urge you to finish the story, but also to steer WELL clear of a similar story until literally every single review you get reads 'this is an absolutely stunning piece of work'. I mean that. It takes a genius to pull off American high school romances these days, especially seeing as every angle possible has already been covered (we've even got romances that cross between species now: Twilight, much?

).

However, if you really can't bear to stop writing these type of stories, try a romance in a British boarding school. That market is wide open for exploitation. Only one I can think of now is the young James Bond series... and only his cult following know about it, anyway. *giggles*

Well, that's me done. As you can probably tell, I hate writing overviews: but I tried. I hope I haven't been too harsh, and I'll happily delete my comment if I have.

I'm gonna go read the rest of your story; I'm quite interested in helping you make the most out of this. I luv luv luv helping others

Ja -!

~ Mnes x

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niccy_v

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Points 890

Reviews 135

Sat Jan 03, 2009 9:52 am

niccy_v says... · Sat Jan 03, 2009 9:52 am

Don't hold back? Sure.

converse

I have been told to avoid this in my stories. I agree because it really ages your writing. If this is still around in 10 years, who knows, converse may be totally 'out' by then and if not completely gone, outdated. Nobody knows (though I hope) if Converse are going to be around in 20 years. And it might take you 20 years to make this into publishable material - who knows. But saying a brand like converse, well, it does show age. Simply because they are the biggest thing right now doesn't mean they will be in 10 years, or even 2.
So just sneakers, hi-tops or *insert colour here* shoes/sneakers.

comming

Coming

sandles.

Sandals

Be specific I want to know what sort of t-shirt, what colour, what type jeans? Cut-off cargos? To-the-ground? Hip hugging?

You also tell us everything. Where's the 'nice pink shirt' showing? I'm not a big one for showing in my writing, I fail, but I seem to get away with it in the dialogue.

“I don’t drool!” I said,

Said? What sort of emotion is she feeling? Angry? Upset? Defensive?

“No! I mean no, but don’t squeeze me next time.”

Possibly have a pause after she shouts (shouts?) No! So then 'I paused to watch the emotions slowly flicker across his chiseled face' or something like that, 'My heart plummeted when I realised how powerful my refusal had been'
'I mean no, but don't squeeze me next time'

The story was good. I will definitely do the next 2. But you (I think somebody has stated this) need to be less of a narrator telling us everything and letting the characters take control, and let them direct the show.
I did like it, but it was a little laborious with 'he did this' 'she did that' 'they said blah' but overall, this is your first story? Well done

Writing gives my life purpose

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