The Triangle Effect

Chapter 1
The Unexpected Visitor
“Hey, Chris!” I heard a familiar voice call behind me.
I turned around to see my best friends heading towards me. “Hey guys,” I said.
My friend Annie Williams was wearing her usual apparel; cargo pants, a tee-shirt, and converse. While Landon, who was standing next to her, was wearing his t-shirt, jeans, and converse. Then I saw Gab comming up behind them, wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and sandles.
They were so different from me. I usually wore a collar shirt with jeans and flip-flops, while my dark brown hair was twisted up into a clip or ponytail.
“You didn’t wait for us after class. Landon and Gab had to tell me that you had to drive home to do something.” Annie complained.
“You need to tell her next time,” said Landon Banmore, “She was being stubborn again.”
“Yeah. We’re not doing your dirty work for you anymore,” Gab complained.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m kinda in a rush right now, I need to get home. Wait a minute where’s Derron?” I asked.
“He had a meeting to go to.” Gab said. She and Derron were seniors this year, while Annie, Landon, and I were sophomores.
“Hey, Gabriella Anster!”
“Oh, great.” Gab turned around with a look of horror on her face. Her some-what stalker was walking straight for us.
“Hey, Monte! The fishing club is on a trip today. Why don’t you join them?” I yelled down the hallway.
Monte stopped mid-stride and stared at me. I was so tired of him and so was Gab. It was time to get rid of him. “You heard me. Go get your fishing pole and go catch your dinner.”
Monte walked right past us, his face in a state of hurt, without a word.
“Thanks, Chris. I owe you one, big-time,” Gab said with a sigh of relief.
“No problem. I was getting tired of him too.”
“Well, um Chris look who’s coming this way,” Landon said with a look of amusement.
I turned thinking it was someone wanting the answers to our trigonometry homework when I saw him. Everrett Crosby, the most amazing junior to ever walk these halls, was coming this way. Everrett was 5’11 with gorgeous chocolate brown hair and the most amazing smile. But what had me hooked were his amazing green eyes. When, if ever, he turned his eyes my way, I would melt.
“Chris, Are you okay?” Annie asked me. I vaguely remember what happened while I was under Everrett’s spell, but one moment I was staring at him, the next I was being pulled into a pair of strong arms from behind me. I stiffened and I heard laughing. I looked to see Derron O’Hare holding me in his arms.
“Derron!” I yelled up into his face.
“Oh, alright. I’ll put you down.”
“Thank you very much,” Sometimes Derron got on my last nerve, but I could never stay mad at him for long.
“You did that just because I was staring again, didn’t you?”
“Well, kinda. But I haven’t seen you since homeroom. I thought I’d give you a hug.” Derron had a way of looking at me with his big brown eyes and frowning that I couldn’t stay mad at him for long. His hair, which looped down over his face sometimes was almost the exact same color as his mocha eyes. It was cute.
“Oh stop it,” Landon said. Landon's brown hair covered his face most of the time, so I couldn’t see his crystal blue eyes. He now turned them on me. “Chris, why do you drool over that guy?”
“I don’t drool!” I said, defending myself. “I just- stare a little too long.”
“You drool.” I heard Gab say behind me.
I turned to Gab, thankful that she was shorter than me. I looked down into her almost black eyes, and just stared at her. She pulled at a strand of her hair and stared back.
“Okay, so I drool, but it’s your job to stop me before I embarrass myself.”
“I did stop you,” Derron said trying to justify his bear hug from earlier.
“Okay, I’ll let that one slide, but don’t do it again!”
“Aww, you think Everrett will think we’re going out, don’t you?”
“No! I mean no, but don’t squeeze me next time.”
I turned to see Annie, Landon, and Gab smiling at me. “What?” More laughing. “What?”
“You, um, have a visitor behind you.” Annie barely got it out before another burst of laughter.
I slowly turned my head. Oh. My. Gosh. Everrett Crosby was standing next to Derron. And he was smiling at me.

Hey everybody! This is my first story so please critique, and don't hold back!

Heyy there Teddy Welcome to YWS!! And as this is your first story, I have decided to read and review it (:
Before we get going, I'll talk you through my reviewing techniques. A first off warning is that I'm very nit-picky, so don't be offended or be put off from my ways!! The first thing I'll do is as I read through your work, I will point out any corrections, mistakes etc. I will then finish off with overall thoughts on this piece and what I think you can do to improve. I will continually be telling you what I think - as a reader - as I'm reading through this, so you can get some kind of a feel of what your audience are thinking/seeing when they read through your work. So .. enough ramblings from me for now on, and off with the review!! I really hope this helps ...

Teddybear22 wrote:“Hey, Chris!” [Is this your MC?]
I turned around to see my best friends heading towards me. “Hey, guys.” [Did your MC say this in reply to the 'Hey Chris'? If so, this should be a new paragraph] [New paragraph >>]My friend Annie Williams was wearing her usual apparel; cargo pants, a tee-shirt, and converse. Her hair was colored different colors [What colours? Does your MC like the different colours in her hair?] and cut really short. She was 5’6 and was mostly legs. Although she could have any guy in school, at any time, she decided to stay steady with her boyfriend [Add name of boyfriend].
“You didn’t wait for us. Landon and Gab had to tell me that you had to drive home to do something.”[Who said this?]
“You need to tell her next time,” said Landon Banmore [Who's Landon? First time you've mentioned her/him, need to tell us more about them - sorry, I don't know whether Landon is a boy or girl's name, haha silly me d: ], “She was being stubborn again.”
“Yeah. We’re not doing your dirty work for you anymore.” Gab complained.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m kinda in a rush right now. Wait a minute where’s Derron?” I asked.
“He had a meeting to go to.” Gab said. She and Derron were seniors this year, while Annie, Landon, and I were sophomores.
“Hey, Gabriella Anster!” [A ... voice called]
“Oh, great.” Gab turned around with a look of horror on her face. Her some-what stalker was walking straight for us.
“Hey, Monte! [Is this Gab's stalker?] The fishing club is on a trip today. Why don’t you join them?”[Who said this?]
Monte stopped mid-stride and stared at me. I was so tired of him and so was Gab. It was time to get rid of him. “You heard me. Go get your fishing pole and go catch your dinner.”
Monte walked right past us without a word. [Facial expression?]
“Thanks, Chris. I owe you one, big-time.” Gab said with a sigh of relief.
“No problem. I was getting tired of him too.”
“Well, I hate to say this, but Chris [Comma here] look who’s coming this way,” Landon said with a look of amusement.
I turned thinking it was someone wanting the answers to our trigonometry homework when I saw him. Everrett Crosby, the most amazing junior to ever walk these halls, was coming this way. Everrett was 5’11 with gorgeous brown hair and the most amazing smile. But what had me hooked were his amazing green eyes. When, if ever, he turned his eyes my way, I would melt. [Nice imagery - great character description!]
“Chris? Are you okay?” Annie asked me. I vaguely remember what happened while I was under Everrett’s spell, but one moment I was staring at him, the next I was being pulled into a pair of strong arms from behind me. I stiffened and I heard laughing. I looked to see Derron O’Hare holding me in his arms.
“Derron!”
“Oh, [s]alright[/s] all right. I’ll put you down.”
“Thank you very much, [Full stop here instead of comma]” Sometimes Derron got on my last nerve, but I could never stay mad at him for long. He is the joker of the group, he was about 6’ and he always took advantage of my 5’7 frame; because I was tall enough to hug him, but short enough to where I had to look up into his face to talk to him. [The ending to this sentence doesn't make sense - try re-wording]
“You did that just because I was staring again, didn’t you?” [Even though I know your MC said this, I think it's appropriate to say that she said it]
“Well, kinda. But I haven’t seen you since homeroom. I thought I’d give you a hug.” Derron had a way of looking at me with his big brown eyes and frowning that I couldn’t stay mad [Again, try re-phrasing]. His brown hair was almost the exact same color as his eyes. It was cute.
“Oh stop it.” Landon said. Landon was 5’10 and his brown hair covered his face most of the time, so I couldn’t see his crystal blue eyes. He now turned them on me. “Chris, why do you drool over that guy?”
“I don’t drool!” I say, defending myself. “I just- stare a little too long.”
“You drool.”
I turned to Gab, thankful that she was shorter than me. I looked down into her almost black eyes, and just stared at her. She pulled at a strand of her hair and stared back. [Why is she staring at Gab?]
“Okay, so I drool, but it’s your job to stop me before I embarrass myself.”
“I did stop you.” Derron said trying to justify his bear hug from earlier.
“Okay, I’ll let that one slide, but don’t do it again!”
“Aww, you think Everrett will think we’re going out, don’t you?”
“No! I mean no, but don’t squeeze me next time.”
I turned to see Annie, Landon, and Gab smiling at me. “What?” Laughing. “What?”
“You, um, have a visitor behind you?” Annie barely got it out before another burst of laughter.
I slowly turned my head. Oh. My. Gosh. Everrett Crosby was standing next to Derron. And he was smiling at me. [Nice ending!]

Last Minute Views
Characters
Good descriptions of characters, but they need to be added in more subtly and also when you first introduce them. For example, when you first introduced Landon I had no idea who he was, what he looked like or where he came from. It was as though he'd been dropped into the scene, so you need to introduce your characters a little better, especially as this is the starting chapter.
I also didn't get much of a feel of the characters personalities (admittedly, it is only the first chapter), however I still feel as though I'm missing something important.

Plot
This chapter was mainly dialogue, which made it less interesting. So, you need to add more substance and plot to this chapter. I loved how it ended and the whole idea of the chapter - you need to just add more to the chapter to break up the dialogue - maybe have this chapter throughout the course of a day, so we get to know more about your characters. But keep the ending!! I loved how it ended, real typical dottiness (the kind of things I do the whole time - I can totally relate to your MC at the ending!!).

Description
Description of characters was good, however, you didn't paint a picture of your MC's surroundings - that's the only part that I can say lacked description, because otherwise your imagery of your characters was awesome!!

Finally ... Your MC
I didn't get a feel of your MC in this chapter, I don't know yet what I think of her. You need to add more emotions to your MC (something I always lack in my stories, so don't worry, we all do it ). You need to make me, as the reader, feel something towards your MC. You can achieve this through lengthening your chapter.

Overall Thoughts
Before you want to come running at me with a sharp knife, this seriously was good and you do have potential!! However, you can make this a whole lot better, with more substance to the chapter; longer length; more emotions of your MC and less dialogue.
I really hope this helps, as you really do have the potential to make this a great story & I really hope I haven't been too harsh or offended you in anyway. I enjoyed reading this and would love to read the follow-up to this chapter, so please PM me when you post it!! Also, if you have any questions/queries at all regarding my critique, don't hesitate to PM me, I'll always be happy to help!!

--Lucyy xx

I see that height is important in your story. Is that trying to show the power difference between characters? And eyes too: they're mentioned a lot, so is eye contact etc. gna be another theme too?
I like the story so far, and Derron is cool. I like the build-up to his character very much.

And I agree with the other comments- the characters are described a bit too much, it almost feels like an obstruction to the story. My advice is to slip the details in, like the full name, height, etc. It will make the story flow better without the reader having to stop for a second to process the look of each character and not concentrate on your main point: your story.

Apart from that, I liked it verrrrrrry much!
Keep me posted with new extracts!

I agree with lucyy and the suggestions she made.

I think you might need to work on your main character's . . . well, main-ness. I don't think there's enough here that tells me why you chose her to be the teller of the tale. I get that she's supposed to be normal, but try to put a little something in there that makes her worthy of the title "Main Character".

I really liked this as a whole. It fit the whole "high school romance" thing. Keep going!

thanks! i just really appreciate the critiques. it helps a lot and i like to see how other people view it.

“Hey, Chris!”

Oh god - a short story that starts with dialogue. I'm sorry, but that is the cheapest way to start off a piece of writing. Dialogue is truly one of the most boring parts of the story, especially if it's overdone. What people like to know is what others are thinking and doing when the dialogue is said. By the way, who said this? A voice? The MC's friend? Some random stranger who eats flowers? Don't make the reader scroll down to figure out who's speaking. It's annoying.

I turned around to see my best friends heading towards me. “Hey, guys.” I said.

1) "Hey guys," I said. Replace that period with a comma, and get rid of the first comma completely. If you really think it belongs there, read the sentence out loud - do you naturally pause there? "Hey [pause] guys." You see?

2) I turned around to see my best friends heading towards me, "Hey guys," I said. <----- Grammatically correct.

My friend Annie Williams was wearing her usual apparel; cargo pants, a tee-shirt, and converse. Her hair was colored blue, red, purple, and green,and cut really short. She was 5’6 and was mostly legs. Although she could have any guy in school, at any time, she decided to stay steady with her boyfriend, James Taylor. Then there was Landon, and Gab.

1)

My friend Annie Williams was wearing her usual apparel; cargo pants, a tee-shirt, and converse. Her hair was colored blue, red, purple, and green,and cut really short. She was 5’6 and was mostly legs.

Oh god. I almost cried - literally, I did - when I read this paragraph. I hate reading character descriptions as you introduce them: their full name, what their wearing, their hair color, how tall they freakin' are... overwhelming, much? Why don't you subtly mention what she's wearing, and later on have the narrator make a remark about how she tucks her "colorfully dyed hair," behind her ear. Or her "short, streaked hair." You could really go a lot of places with her appearence - just, don't throw it at us all at once.

2)

Although she could have any guy in school, at any time, she decided to stay steady with her boyfriend, James Taylor. Then there was Landon, and Gab.

Who are these people? You just randomly drop these names and we're just left in the dark. You explain them later, but the lack of pretty much writing ANYTHING besides description and dialogue will turn a lot of people off to your story.

“You didn’t wait for us. Landon and Gab had to tell me that you had to drive home to do something.” Annie complained.

Comma comma comma comma comma. Commas after dialogue, unless it's a continued statement. "I really like dogs," Jessica smiled, "except when they bite people - that's just mean." And again, the name-dropping. What's good about this sentence is that it elaborates on Annie's character - now we know she's a bit whiny, because God knows why she's complaining about not being able to find your MC. By the way, in this point of the story, I have no idea what's happening.

“You need to tell her next time,” said Landon Banmore, “She was being stubborn again.”

YAY! COMMAS! But I still have no idea what you're talking about. If I wasn't going to critique this, I would have already clicked the back button and read something else.

“Yeah. We’re not doing your dirty work for you anymore.” Gab complained.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m kinda in a rush right now. Wait a minute where’s Derron?” I asked.

“He had a meeting to go to.” Gab said. She and Derron were seniors this year, while Annie, Landon, and I were sophomores.

What are they TALKING about? What is this whole entire conversation ABOUT? This is why you can't have pure dialogue in a story - everybody is going to get lost! I have no idea who anybody is, what they want, or what they heck they're saying.

“Hey, Gabriella Anster!”

“Oh, great.” Gab turned around with a look of horror on her face. Her some-what stalker was walking straight for us.

“Hey, Monte! The fishing club is on a trip today. Why don’t you join them?” I yelled down the hallway.

Monte stopped mid-stride and stared at me. I was so tired of him and so was Gab. It was time to get rid of him. “You heard me. Go get your fishing pole and go catch your dinner.”

Monte walked right past us, his face in a state of disbelief, without a word.

“Thanks, Chris. I owe you one, big-time.” Gab said with a sigh of relief.

Get rid of this. It's poorly written and absoloutely unnessecary to the build of the story. First of all, you introduced her "stalker" in one quick setence - how is he a stalker? What has he done to make her dislike him? And who the hell is he? Second of all, how you're MC tells him off is just, well, stupid. "The fishing club is on a trip today, why don't you go join them?" And anyway, that paragraph where he tells him to catch his dinner should be attached to the first. Also, what idiot is in a state of disbelief at that suckish diss?

Look, you can't do this - this, what you just did, is a super-mini story line that, if you want the truth, nobody is going to care about. What you're doing is simply making characters for every action that's done to your MC. I've read a five or six paragraphs and I already have like, 5 characters to remember! Let's see, Gab, Monte, Chris (who I still don't know the gender of, but I'm assuming that she's a girl) Landon, Derron, Annie and James. Oooh, seven. Fun.

“Well, I hate to say this, but Chris look who’s coming this way,” Landon said with a look of amusement.

I turned thinking it was someone wanting the answers to our trigonometry homework when I saw him. Everrett Crosby, the most amazing junior to ever walk these halls, was coming this way. Everrett was 5’11 with gorgeous brown hair and the most amazing smile. But what had me hooked were his amazing green eyes. When, if ever, he turned his eyes my way, I would melt.

Wow. What a freakin' hottie. That's one way to woo your readers.
But of course, this passage sucks. Let's fix it!

1)

“Well, I hate to say this, but Chris look who’s coming this way,” Landon said with a look of amusement.

Landon's words are a little jumbled right here - what he should say is something along the lines of, "Well, I hate to say this Chris, but look who's coming our/this way," Landon said, a sparkle of amusement in his eyes." Who says, "With a look of amusement?" Boring, much?

2) I turned thinking it was someone wanting the answers to our trigonometry homework when I saw him. Everrett Crosby, the most amazing junior to ever walk these halls, was coming this way. Everrett was 5’11 with gorgeous brown hair and the most amazing smile. But what had me hooked were his amazing green eyes. When, if ever, he turned his eyes my way, I would melt. [/quote]

If you noticed how amused Landon looked, then why would you think it was somebody looking to copy your trig homework? Anyway, you did it again - the whole gunna-dump-all-of-this-characters-attributes-on-you-all-at-one thing.

And by the way, seeing how described him, I would melt too. "AHA! And that passage wouldn't have that effect on you if I didn't dump everything on you, right?" Wrong, missy. What you need to do, like I told you before, is be subtle. Tell the readers you saw him and he looked your way, and go into detail about his gorgous green eyes. Then, when you're up close, comment on how super-tall (Eh, sorta. Junior boys usually fair from 5-9 to 6-4 or 5. Those guys can get pretty tall) he is and how you melt when he smiles. Or when he bats his long eyelashes, which he is bound to have.

“Chris? Are you okay?” Annie asked me. I vaguely remember what happened while I was under Everrett’s spell, but one moment I was staring at him, the next I was being pulled into a pair of strong arms from behind me. I stiffened and I heard laughing. I looked to see Derron O’Hare holding me in his arms.

“Derron!”

“Oh, alright. I’ll put you down.”

“Thank you very much,” Sometimes Derron got on my last nerve, but I could never stay mad at him for long. He is the joker of the group, he was about 6’ and he always took advantage of my 5’7 frame; because I was tall enough to hug him, but short enough to where I had to look up into his face to even talk to him.

1) Rewrite this as: "Chris, are you okay?" Annie asked me. I barely remember what happened while I was under Everretts spell, but all I know is that one moment I was stuck in a trance, and the next I was being pulled into a pair of strong arms. I stiffened and looked behind me to see a laughing Derron."

Doesn't that flow much better? I added a personal touch as a substitute for what you put, so definitely don't think you should just copy that and paste it in your story or something (not that I'm the best writer in the world or anything). I just want you to know what was wrong with that paragraph, and that's ONE example of how you should fix it.

2) On to the next paragraph!

"Derron!"

-- who is saying this? Why are they saying this? What are they doing while they are saying this? What are they thinking? I know this is your MC protesting, but tell us that! Is she squirming, laughing, or scowling? Are her eyes gleaming with amusement, is her head turned around so she's looking straight into his eyes? Is her expression twisted into an annoyed glare? And since this is in first person, you have an obvious advantage: you can tell us what she's thinking what she speaks. It isn't good when you leave an air of mystery around your MC while their in first person, because the reader is supposed to feel very close to them, and they feel out of the loop.
“You did that just because I was staring again, didn’t you?”

3) One more, I promise (part of the scene, anyway):

“Thank you very much,” Sometimes Derron got on my last nerve, but I could never stay mad at him for long. He is the joker of the group, he was about 6’ and he always took advantage of my 5’7 frame; because I was tall enough to hug him, but short enough to where I had to look up into his face to even talk to him.

You.. did... it.. again! The joker of the group? Don't state it - it sounds stupid. Try to let him crack another joke so the readers can assume that. And we don't need to know how tall he is, just that he's tall enough to be able to pick you up and to know why you have to look up to talk to him. I know, run on sentence right there, but I was really rambling. What I'm trying to say is, just, don't do the dumping thing. I think this is my third time saying this, haha.

“Well, kinda. But I haven’t seen you since homeroom. I thought I’d give you a hug.” Derron had a way of looking at me with his big brown eyes and frowning that I couldn’t stay mad at him for long. His brown hair, which looped down over his face sometimes was almost the exact same color as his eyes. It was cute.

Oooh, does Chris like-y Derren? This isn't going to be the "like the gorgeous popular guy but fall in love with her best friend" cliche plot line, is it? Although, if it is, nice foreshadowing.
And say,

"But I haven't seen you since homeroom, so I thought I'd give you a hug," Derron had a way of looking at me with his big brown eyes, and transforming his frowns into these adorable pouts so that it was impossible for me to be mad at him for long. His brown hair, which fell down into his face, was extraordinarily similar to the color of his eyes. It was cute."

Again, you know what I mean. You had a little awkardness in your paragraph, and I spiced it up a bit. Don't use my words though - use your own! Let your style come through!

“Oh stop it.” Landon said. Landon's brown hair covered his face most of the time, so I couldn’t see his crystal blue eyes. He now turned them on me. “Chris, why do you drool over that guy?”

"Oh,stop it," Landon said. And there it is! You just did the subtle-description thing! It was a little conspicuous, but you got it! Crystal blue... Oooh, cutie But you have a way of repeating the same descriptions over and over again. You just said Derren had brown hair - change it up a little. Maybe don't say what color his hair is, or use another shade of brown like "mohagoney" or "espresso." "Russet," "chocolate," "coffee," and the list could go on. The word brown is so boring, you know?

“I don’t drool!” I say, defending myself. “I just- stare a little too long.”

By the way, I just noticed this, but you're switching between past and present tense. In the beginning you wrote, "Hey guys," I said. Now you're writing, "I say." You've gotta pick one! And if she's defending herself, say "I defended." And the dash really shouldn't go there in the second piece of dialogue; it's fine without it. And turn the period after "myself" into a comma. =]

"You drool.” I heard Gab say behind me.

I turned to Gab, thankful that she was shorter than me. I looked down into her almost black eyes, and just stared at her. She pulled at a strand of her hair and stared back.

“Okay, so I drool, but it’s your job to stop me before I embarrass myself.”

“I did stop you.” Derron said trying to justify his bear hug from earlier.

You did it again! "I heard Gab SAY," and "I did stop you [comma]." Derron SAID. Which, by the way, it should be, "Derron said, trying to justify..." And haha, this part was sort of funny. But remember to add details. He's shifting from one foot to the other. Who's shifting from one foot to the other? Derron. Who is Derron talking to? Chris. Why is he talking to her? Because he's trying to justify his bear hug from earlier. You see my point? (My latin teacher uses that strategy when we decipher sentences XD)

“Okay, I’ll let that one slide, but don’t do it again!”

“Aww, you think Everrett will think we’re going out, don’t you?”

“No! I mean no, but don’t squeeze me next time.”

I turned to see Annie, Landon, and Gab smiling at me. “What?” Laughing. “What?”

“You, um, have a visitor behind you.” Annie barely got it out before another burst of laughter.

I slowly turned my head. Oh. My. Gosh. Everrett Crosby was standing next to Derron. And he was smiling at me.

*Turn "don't you" into "won't you?" (second piece of dialogue)
*Third line there are WAY to many people. And the break between dialogue where you write "laughing," you should write, "There was laughing." Because to other people it might sound weird. And anyway, why would they laugh? It isn't very funny. And wouldn't good friends try not to reveal her crush?
*Fourth line, comma at the end of the dialogue where Annie speaks.
* Fifth line - hilarious. THAT'S when people laugh =]

~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~**~*~*~

CHARACTERS

CHRIS

I'm assuming Chris is a girl. And she seems very shallow, seeing how she only notices people's looks when they come by. If they're her friends, she's got to know more information besides what they look like. You did a pretty good job with her, since we sort of know her personality and all, but you don't really tell us what she's thinking when she says anything. In fact, most of this piece is dialogue, which makes it terribly boring. I know it'll seem difficult, but you HAVE to devote 3 or 4 paragraphs at LEAST in a chapter centered around the MC pondering things and analyzing things and explaining things and, try not to do this, but rambling about things. But rambling is a no-no, so shh.

THE OTHER TWENTY THOUSAND PEOPLE

I have no idea what anybody is like - as far as I know, everybody pretty much as the same personality. They're all fun-loving and goofy and they all say what the other would say in that situation. I can't tell who anybody is, really. There are too many people! You'll have to cut a couple of characters.

OVERALL

I didn't really like this. I suppose you have potential with this story, and I know it's supposed to be a cliche high school romance, but I've seen this dialogue 20 million times, and these characters. That plot, that theme, hell, that school is familiar, whatever school they're in. You can get away with cliche if the story is executed well and is unique, but sweetheart, it isn't. Hopefully what I've written will help you, and I'm sorry if I was harsh commenting on almost every line =]

Good luck, and keep writing!

~*Sara*~

That was so cool!
Though I really really wish you guy wouldn't leave us with cliff hangers
I got a bit confused at the start with who is who,
But I think I figured it out...
Uhh... Chris is the MC and a girl
Because at the start I thought she was a he,
Then when she drooled over Everett, I was like
O_o Chris is gay?
Then I realised my mistake. Sorry, blur person here.
Anyway, I didn't see any major mistakes,
But you can't trust me and my judgment
PM me when the next chapter comes out please!
Thanks, much much appreciated

I didn't really like this. I suppose you have potential with this story, and I know it's supposed to be a cliche high school romance, but I've seen this dialogue 20 million times, and these characters. That plot, that theme, hell, that school is familiar, whatever school they're in. You can get away with cliche if the story is executed well and is unique, but sweetheart, it isn't. Hopefully what I've written will help you, and I'm sorry if I was harsh commenting on almost every line =]

dude, sara...that was a bit harsh. I really liked it....yeah, sara you sort of made Teddy depressed. That's not good. She knows she has to work on it, but sweetheart, could you put it just a bit nicer...shes new here and so are you. Well, im sorry if i was harsh, but iz gots to keep the peace around here. So behave. Have fun, and please, try to get along!.


~jen. If you have any questions or any thing pm me.




GO VIKINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE GOING TO WIN TOMORROW!!!!UNDEAFETED!

I didn't really like this. I suppose you have potential with this story, and I know it's supposed to be a cliche high school romance, but I've seen this dialogue 20 million times, and these characters. That plot, that theme, hell, that school is familiar, whatever school they're in. You can get away with cliche if the story is executed well and is unique, but sweetheart, it isn't. Hopefully what I've written will help you, and I'm sorry if I was harsh commenting on almost every line =]

dude, sara...that was a bit harsh. I really liked it....yeah, sara you sort of made Teddy depressed. That's not good. She knows she has to work on it, but sweetheart, could you put it just a bit nicer...shes new here and so are you. Well, im sorry if i was harsh, but iz gots to keep the peace around here. So behave. Have fun, and please, try to get along!.


~jen. If you have any questions or any thing pm me.




GO VIKINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE GOING TO WIN TOMORROW!!!!UNDEAFETED!

Okay Lovabale Little Sock, you were overly harsh. I think that you need to stop being so pessimistic. The girl that wrote this asked for help, you don't have to be so dang rude. You tore her story to bits. I'm sure that YWS would like to keep people on here, but critiques like that are depressing.

Overall:
As for the stiry, it needs some polishing up. The grammar and punctuation is quite a bit off, and you do need to work on it. As long as you stay away from cliches, you'll be alright. I liked it for the most

Characters:
Okay, this is the beginning. You need to intrduce your charcters a bit better. You also need to develop the MC more and let the reader know that CHris is a girl, because generally, it is a boy name. Your other charcters need some more development also.

Grammar:
Your grammar was okay. Make sure that your charcter doesn't sound mechanical by saying they are. They can not. Use some contractions.

Punctuation:
Okay, you do need to work on your commas and periods. I spotted several spots in the story where you needed commas instead of periods. So just work on that and you'llbe fine. You had a few awkward sentances, but those can be fixed by rephasing.

I'm the best writer in the world and I hate you all =P
No.
But, um, you guys have to see that if you aren't honest in your critiques, then you really won't be helping the author. You see, Teddy, if I sugar-coated everything then I wouldn't really be helping you much, would I? "Okay, you sort of dumped the description on us, but that's okay, just try not to do it as much!" <--- No! You can't do that!
And sweetheart, I'm sorry if I made you depressed, by my critique is not even mean - it's honest. And people can get mean, even when the short story is a freakin' masterpiece.
And again, I wasn't harsh. When I used the word 'cliche' 20 thousand times, do you know how many people would share my opinion? Do you think I want people clicking on your story and immediately reading because they've read the exact same thing before? No!

But I have to go, so let me just leave you with this: Teddy, you have serious potential, you especially. I would love to see - I would DIE if I saw your story revised and 20 times better. If you ever do decide to revise it, let me know ;]

Byes!
~*Sara*~

All right, I think the peace as been made here, so I guess it is now safe to critique hehe

Now, Teddy, your story, so far, is pretty good. However, I must say that High School stories have been overly emphasized with the rich snobs, stupid jocks, wierd nerds ect. You know? Try to expand your thoughts and really create a story that no body else has. I see the potential you have. Your writing is very good. But just try to spice up the original, you know?

Well, I must say I didn't get bored throughout it. But I think you need to really distinguish your characters between each other. They were kind of mushed together. Make them unique!

Also, this question might offend you and I don't want it to but I have to ask...is your MC a boy or a girl? I know, I'm stupid, but it kind of feels like a guy. But at the end, it sounded girlish. Try to make that clear. And I'm sorry if I offended

Okay, Teddy, hopefully this helped you and if you ever need advise on this, just PM me and I'll be happy to help!

OK
No offence but this was boring. Nothing exciting happened. It was just a really simple conversation between a couple of friends and I don't even get why this girl Chris is so hung up about her friend picking her up.
If you improve it, add something exciting happen (such as a conversation between Chris and her crush), correct your grammar and punctuation mistakes then I would love to read it again, but for now, its not doing anything for me.

I liked your story. My favorite character was Derron, he was cute. I had a very vivid image of what all the people looked like. Very good job describing the characters. I also liked the end how Everette happened to be standing by Derron when Chris was talking about him. Very funny story!