The Triangle Effect

Hey teaddy... I'm much Junior writer comapred to you..
Sorry Can't give ya review.. Sowwie..!!!
But Want so say that made me feel
I'm Ghost..Who's present there when converstion between was going on..
You words made me imagined
The whole scene..
May Be I'm wrong..

Take Care
Keep Writing..

Hey Honey... I'm much Junior writer comapred to you..
Can't give ya review.. Sowwie..!!!
but do consider as review..
But Want so say that made me feel scene..
Feel's Like Ghost..Who's present there when converstion was going on..
You words made me imagine the whole scene..

Take Care Keep Writing..

I think that this could be a great story. It just seems a little cliche at this beginning. Make it your own, blow the other writers out of the water. My stories were a bit cliche at the beginning, but turned into something unique. I can see great potential with this story. Especially since I've taken a peek at the next two chapters.
Don't get discouraged. Keep writing, take others opinions and run with them. Posting them of YWS lets you know the true opinions of readers. I like it so far, and I hope that you continue. Good luck!

I understand that people think loveablelittlesocks' critique was too harsh, but most of it needed to be said. Perhaps a little more tactfully, though.

However, seeing as LLS (loveablelittlesocks) has already dissected the story enough, I suppose I'll just do an overall review like everyone else. This story is... well, as LLS said, the same as every other high school romance on the net. We know already that Everett and Chris will fall in love, have a fight, and get back together again. We already know that Derron is jealous, and that the girl who Chris is talking to won't play a major part in the story except to fill in between events (and conveniently have Everett's number and address on her phone, etck).

Dude, don't worry; I don't actually blame you for this. I blame Meg Cabot and her unrealistic, stereotypical, STUPID [s]novels[/s] piles of junk. Every single one of them is a carbon copy of the last with a different high school name and character description, and for some reason, everyone seems to buy into it. *shrugs*

I'd urge you to finish the story, but also to steer WELL clear of a similar story until literally every single review you get reads 'this is an absolutely stunning piece of work'. I mean that. It takes a genius to pull off American high school romances these days, especially seeing as every angle possible has already been covered (we've even got romances that cross between species now: Twilight, much? ).

However, if you really can't bear to stop writing these type of stories, try a romance in a British boarding school. That market is wide open for exploitation. Only one I can think of now is the young James Bond series... and only his cult following know about it, anyway. *giggles*

Well, that's me done. As you can probably tell, I hate writing overviews: but I tried. I hope I haven't been too harsh, and I'll happily delete my comment if I have.

I'm gonna go read the rest of your story; I'm quite interested in helping you make the most out of this. I luv luv luv helping others

Ja -!

Don't hold back? Sure.

converse

I have been told to avoid this in my stories. I agree because it really ages your writing. If this is still around in 10 years, who knows, converse may be totally 'out' by then and if not completely gone, outdated. Nobody knows (though I hope) if Converse are going to be around in 20 years. And it might take you 20 years to make this into publishable material - who knows. But saying a brand like converse, well, it does show age. Simply because they are the biggest thing right now doesn't mean they will be in 10 years, or even 2.
So just sneakers, hi-tops or *insert colour here* shoes/sneakers.

comming

Coming

sandles.

Sandals

Be specific I want to know what sort of t-shirt, what colour, what type jeans? Cut-off cargos? To-the-ground? Hip hugging?

You also tell us everything. Where's the 'nice pink shirt' showing? I'm not a big one for showing in my writing, I fail, but I seem to get away with it in the dialogue.

“I don’t drool!” I said,

Said? What sort of emotion is she feeling? Angry? Upset? Defensive?

“No! I mean no, but don’t squeeze me next time.”

Possibly have a pause after she shouts (shouts?) No! So then 'I paused to watch the emotions slowly flicker across his chiseled face' or something like that, 'My heart plummeted when I realised how powerful my refusal had been'
'I mean no, but don't squeeze me next time'

The story was good. I will definitely do the next 2. But you (I think somebody has stated this) need to be less of a narrator telling us everything and letting the characters take control, and let them direct the show.
I did like it, but it was a little laborious with 'he did this' 'she did that' 'they said blah' but overall, this is your first story? Well done