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Isaiah (Chapter 1) Not nearly as long, and redone!



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Wed Jun 04, 2008 12:42 am
[aka]eliza says...



I wanted to thank you all for reading and reviewing. Yeah, I know it was really long. I had more than one chapter on here. But yeah, I'll put the chapters in serperate posts. The reviews are really helping me a whole lot. I would love to know what you guys think! Also, I know what you mean by adding depth to the characters. I am still working on that part, but I feel like I have improved. :D

The buzzer of my alarm clock woke me from an odd sleep. I wiped the crust from my eyes and lay there thinking about my day ahead of me. I got up lazily from the comfy bed to turn off the buzzer. My bones were stiff from the long sleep, and it was hard to move around as I rounded up my clothes for school. The small window at the other side of my room let in yellow sunshine illuminating it.
After I had gotten dressed and brushed my teeth I headed downstairs. My mom was always a little cranky in the mornings, so I tried to put on a smile. I don’t think I’d managed to by the time my mother turned around to greet me though.
“Hey hon, you want breakfast?” she grinned, but I could see it didn’t reach her eyes.
“Nah mom, I’m heading to school early today.” I said in a cheerful half-heartedly way. Her expression was blank as I headed out the door and into the frosty morning air. It bit at my warm cheeks as I dug inside my pocket for my keys. I stuck the keys into the ignition and felt the vibration rumble through my body. The engine roared underneath me like a lion protecting it's cub. It took only minutes to get to the high school. I squeezed my car into a parking spot between two huge monstrous trucks. I cut the engine and slid the now warm keys back into my jean’s pocket.
Another day of boring school was just what I needed. My first four classes passed by slowly; a turtle crossing the road it seemed. Throughout these classes I tried to block out the one thing that kept resurfacing into my thoughts. Then finally during lunch I had a little help. My constant struggle ended at the lunch table.
“What do you think Sarah?” Beth asked with curious eyes. Beth was one of my closest friends. Her big green eyes were always darting everywhere, and her long black hair swayed every time she moved her head. I envied her, but I never let it show.
“About what?” I asked with a thin smile. Beth’s face formed into an annoyed expression as she spoke; her eyes glued to my face.
“Kelly and I were just talking about whether blue or purple would look best on me for the dance.” She rolled her eyes at me.
“I think purple is better because it contrasts with my hair.” Beth turned her head to glance at Kelly. I saw a smirk land on her face.
“Yeah, it contrasts with your eyes too.” I said. Beth gleamed at me and turned back to Kelly bringing the conversation back between them selves. I wasn’t that all hungry so I got myself a coke and settled with that. Now that my ‘distracter’ was no longer in play my thoughts drifted back to where I didn’t want them to. My thoughts collected toward a dream that I’d had last night. I hadn’t had a dream in a while, but this one was especially odd. I could remember it so clearly, and I was disturbed by this.
I was so engrossed in remembering this dream I jumped when a hand tapped me on the shoulder.
“Hey Sarah, you coming to class? Or…you just going to sit there?” Isaiah was holding out his hand with a warm grin on his face. Isaiah was my best friend, and I knew that it wouldn’t be long before he realized I was acting differently. I looked around and realized the cafeteria was nearly empty. Some students were still bustling for their things. I looked up into his blue eyes.
“I guess I’ll go to class.” I said smoothly taking his hand for support. Isaiah was six foot; tall compared to my five foot five, and had long, light brown hair.
“You’re not normally the last one in here, anything wrong?” I sighed and looked up into concerned eyes. I was right on the mark; he could definitely tell something was different today.
“Come on Sarah, I know you. What’s up?” He gave me a wry smile. I couldn’t take it so I gave in.
“I’m sure you don’t want to hear it.” I didn’t mean to say it so sharply. But he disregarded my tone and went on.
“Don’t you use reverse-psychology on me; now spill.” He glanced at me with that ‘please-tell-me’ face. He knew defeat when he saw my face uncurl and chuckled softly. We walked together to our next class with his arm around my shoulders.
“It was a dream I had last night. Something about it made me a little uncomfortable is all. I’m trying not to think about it, but it keeps coming back up.” I said quickly. I looked down at my feet clumsily moving with his. Isaiah frowned and looked down the hall for our next class.
“Are you Sarah, that that’s all?” he said a little bummed. “You know you can trust me with anything.”
“I know Isaiah. I just don’t want to talk about it. Help me think about something else. I said glumly as we reached the door to our science class. He took his arm from my shoulder and opened the door to Mr.Campbell starting his lecture. He glanced at Isaiah and I like a lion at its prey. I flinched and we headed to our seats on the left side of the room quickly. People glanced, but paid no attention. Through the lecture we stayed silent. It was as if everyone in the room had lost their voice. The silenced droned in my ears like angry bees until finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed another distraction; I took out a piece of notebook paper and began to write.

Isaiah, you have to agree with me on how boring this lecture is.

Sorry, but I can’t agree with that.

I looked up at him confused. I erased the previous writing and began again.

Seriously? Ok, tell me what you find so fascinating about it.

Well, first off, all it’s about dissection! How can you not be interested?

I rolled my eyes. Only something gross like dissection could capture his attention in biology. I crumpled up the paper and shoved it into my binder before Mr.Campbell, who was walking down the aisle now, wouldn’t see. Not knowing what the assignment was I stupidly opened the biology book in front of me and pretended to read. The text didn’t form words as I thought about only going home.
Isaiah would occasionally shift in his chair. I guessed he sensed my anxiety to leave class. I left my face unreadable when the bell rang, signaling the end of the day. Before I had made it ten feet outside the school, Isaiah caught up with me.
“Hey Sarah, I know what will cheer you up.” He put his arm around my shoulder. I gazed up at the sky and sighed when the usual clouds started coming in. The gloom of the day was always undesirable, but I was used to it. I thought it should be starting to get warmer since it was the beginning of March. But you could never tell.
“What do you have in mind?” I asked. His eyes lit up at the sound of my curiosity.
“I was wondering if you wanted to go camping with me and a few friends this weekend?” he spat out, obviously anxious. I thought about this while we walked to my car. A camping trip? It sounded like an ‘okay’ idea, and some fresh air would be really nice. Mom wouldn’t mind because she was going out with some friends anyway. I looked up at his anxious face with an expression of deep thought. After a second or two I answered.
“Sure Isaiah, I have nothing planned for this weekend.” I replied. It really did sound like a great idea. I was surprised to find myself a little excited for it.
“Great! Bring the usual and I’ll come and pick you up later.” Isaiah said. He walked me to my car with a lighter step than before. The clouds were piling in now, and it was getting darker. I wondered if it might rain tonight, and made a mental note to bring my rain jacket just in case. All my thinking about the camping trip lightened up my mood, and I chatted with Isaiah as he helped me with my bag.
He threw my bag into the passenger seat. Before I could close my door he put a hand on my shoulder.
“Sar?” he called, concern in his voice. His face leveled with mine; he was kneeling. Isaiah’s eyes were searching my face looking for an answer.
“Yeah?” I said, and put the key into the ignition. His expression turned serious.
“Are you sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah, don’t worry about me Isaiah please. I’ll be fine, I’ll see you later on tonight. Can you pick me up around five?” I didn’t mean to snap. He gave me another smile of concern. He didn’t believe me as usual, and would try to get the rest of it out of me tonight. He got up and stalked over to his own truck. I closed my door like I was trying to pull on a dead weight door so he would be gone before I left. After I watched his truck disappear, I turned the key and listened to the deep roar of the engine. The rumble instantly calmed me; clearing my head enough to leave.
I drove home silently, and parked in front of our house. The driveway was on the right, and the house itself was the same color as the sky; a blue-ish gray. My mom’s Toyota Corolla sat in the driveway, so I knew she was home. I headed for the door with the camping trip once again inside my head. I turned the doorknob and let myself in. A delicious scent immediately flooded my nose. I rushed for the kitchen; tonight was spaghetti night! My mom broke from her concentration of setting the table and greeted me before continuing into the kitchen to get the silverware. I sat down at the dining table, the little room was cozy. It reminded me of the traditional farm house, but with a tad of modern on the edges.
“How was school honey?” she called from the kitchen. Her voice echoed quietly in the room, along with the clinking of the silverware. My stomach growled, and I wished my mom would hurry. I beamed at her as she came hustling in with silverware and two plates of spaghetti.
“It was boring as usual.” I said with a smile. Everyone said I looked exactly like my mom. She had medium length brown hair, and had eyes of chocolate. Her face was round and precise like mine, and her skin was fair. She studied me for a few seconds and eyed me as she took a forkful of spaghetti. I followed and twisted my fork around the plate until the spaghetti resembled a knot and put it in my mouth.
“Is there something on your mind? You seem happier than usual.” I swallowed and played my fork around the plate.
“Isaiah asked me if I wanted to go camping this weekend.” I said. I looked for an expression that might give an answer. But none revealed themselves to my disappointment.
“Hmmm…” she said.
“Come on mom, I have nothing planned. It will be us two, and a few of his friends.” I pleaded, I wanted to go. She sighed, and put down her fork. My mom didn’t particularly like it when I went out, especially out into the woods. I watched her expectantly; waiting for an answer. I sat there like a puppy watching its master.
“I guess it would be alright. When are you leaving?” she took another bite; still looking at me.
“Tonight, Isaiah said he would pick me up around five.” I was grinning now. My mom gave me an unusual look-over. I got up swiftly to take my plate into the kitchen and wash it. I observed the clock to see the time. I had a half hour before he got here. My mom was still eating silently as I headed for my room.
  





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Wed Jun 04, 2008 2:12 am
Audy says...



Hey Eliza! I'm going to be doing a line by line critique. I apologize beforehand if I sound rude, please don't take it personally. I tend to do that, but really I only have your best interest at heart.

So let's begin shall, we?

The buzzer of my alarm clock woke me from an odd sleep. I wiped the crust from my eyes and lay there thinking about the day ahead of me.


The small window at the other side of my room let in yellow sunshine illuminating it.


I'd find another descriptive adjective other than 'yellow'. We already know that sunshine is yellow. Describing something "just because" is boring to read and only bogs down your writing.

When describing something, use more vivid words or metaphors to capture the image that you are going for. Or try to evoke the right moods or emotions through your descriptions. Here are some examples:

'The sun peered up my window, glittering rays filtered through the curtains basking the room in its pleasant warmth.' Or:

"The sunlight broke past the pleated blinds, strange shadows cast across the cluttered room."

Depending on the story you are going for, the first description gives off a more joyful, "new day" feel. While the second description is more moody, more darker. Play around with words and descriptions a bit :D There are infinite possibilities.

The engine roared underneath me like a lion protecting it's cub.


You did a good job with this line :D

I wasn’t [s]that all[/s] all that hungry so I got myself a coke and settled with that. Now that my ‘distracter’ was no longer in play, my thoughts drifted back to where I didn’t want them [s]to[/s].



Isaiah was six foot tall no semi compared to my five foot five, and he had long, light brown hair.



He knew defeat when he saw my face uncurl and chuckled softly.


I would strongly suggest on another word for this. Faces don't 'curl' let alone 'uncurl'. Toes might.

“It was a dream I had last night. Something about it made me a little uncomfortable is all. I’m trying not to think about it, but it keeps coming back up.” I said quickly. I looked down at my feet clumsily moving in step to...? [s]with[/s] his. Isaiah frowned and looked down the hall [s]for[/s] towards/at our next class.
“Are you sure?Sarah, that that’s all?” he said a little bummed. “You know you can trust me with anything.”


Looks like you let out a couple of words there. Common mistake :) Sometimes we think the words faster than we type, and usually when we read or proof-read, our brains automatically fill-in the missing words, so it's tricky to catch. So, when you put 'moving with his' I understand what you meant, but the way you word it is just strange, because of course they'd be moving with his, they're walking together.

He glanced at Isaiah and I like a lion would glance at its prey. I flinched, and we headed to our seats on the left side of the room [s]quickly[/s].


You use the adverb 'quickly' a lot. I would just remove it and leave it at that. The sentence actually flows better this way.

I crumpled up the paper and shoved it into my binder before Mr.Campbell, who was walking down the aisle now, wouldn’t see.


The text didn’t form words as I thought about only going home.


Should reverse 'only' and 'about'. Also I would rephrase this. How about: 'I could not make any sense of the words, as I thought about...' or 'I couldn't comprehend the text' or something along those lines. The way you are phrasing it sounds awkward and doesn't make sense, though I know what you are trying to say.

“I was wondering if you wanted to go camping with me and a few friends this weekend?” he spat out, obviously anxious.


Why 'spat out'? That distracts so much from the actual dialogue. I notice that you keep avoiding words like 'said' and 'asked'. Don't. Use them. Readers tend to read past them anyway. When you say, 'spat out' it only makes us stop. Then picture how it is he is saying it. Then laugh at the mental image in our heads. Seriously, I see this guy's spittle flying all onto the MC's face.

“Is there something on your mind? You seem happier than usual.” I swallowed and [s]played[/s] placed my fork around the plate.


“Hmmm…” [s]she said[/s].


We know she's talking. There's only two people in the room. Same thing goes with the 'I pleaded' thing in the next sentence.

--

Okay well overall...the writing was pretty good. Descriptions were alright. The only thing was...the first chapter was really quite boring. I mean--nothing at all happened. Even your MC said it: the day was boring.

The first chapter is supposed to grab the reader's attention and hold it, and it failed throughout the whole piece.

I mean--you don't have to have action, or something dreadful happen at the beginning, or anything like that. But, say this strange dream that she is having, why not just explain it to the readers? It feels as though you are cheating us, because throughout all of this you explain how Sarah has a 'strange dream' and you never told us what it was, or even gave us hints.

If it is important to the storyline, reveal it bit by bit. Give us at least a taste of her dream? Keep our attention. Or explain to us the conflict that your MC is going through with this dream, rather than long paragraphs of nothingness happening at school.

The dialogue between the MC and her friends at lunch was probably the most interesting part of the story. I actually like how you characterized Beth. You did a really great job there. I found myself rolling my eyes at her vanity, which I'm sure was intended.

So yeah, this was okay, but if I were you I'd just cut almost all of it. I'd have the story start right where Kevin asks her camping, and then the line where he says 'Are you sure you're okay?' That could be the point where she reflects about her dream. Keep the readers wondering, you don't have to spell it out for us. We're pretty smart, we catch on eventually. Don't just start describing every detail of her life, PLEASE!

Anyway, those are just my two cents. Hope I've helped!

~ Audrey
  








Noelle, you can lead a writer to their computer and give them coffee, but you can't make them write.
— CowLogic