Young Writers Society

Part Four:

I was speechless. The whole situation made sense…and it was unbelievable. I watched the ducks quack in the lake, as the silence engulfed us. Was he joking?

“ You were, really?”

“ Yeah.” He looked away from me too, at the ducks as they circled around each other playfully, “ It’s something to laugh about…the way he say it.” Jerry suddenly smiled at me. “ But I guess he learned his lesson.”

“ So he really did…wow…I guess I would have punched him too.”

“ Maybe not, it’s just the fact that I was there. When you loose someone your never the same again.”

I sucked in my breath, and I could barely move. “ You don’t mean…”

Jerry sat back on the bench stretching his arms. “ My dad was an okay guy, and I don’t think it was his fault. Maybe the companies fault, or someone inside the company. He was a good guy, he would never have any---”

Jerry stopped himself, squinting at the sun. And sighing with annoyance. I looked at him, for the first time with sympathy. He may have been crazy, but he had a reason to be.

“ I’m sorry that happened to you Jerry.”

He looked at me his expression unreadable, “ Yeah, well every one's sorry.”

I didn’t say anything for a while, because everyone was sorry sooner or later.

“And then the worst thing happened.”

I flinched, “ What?” And I slowly began to wonder why he wanted to share all of this with me.

“ I’m being spied on.”

“ What?”

He sighed, “ See that guy in the bushes past the lake?”

I looked in his direction no seeing a soul, “No, what are--”

“ It’s because I’m working with the CIA investigating my fathers case…his body never was found you know. He was only presumed dead.”

My head started to spin, and my mouth got dry…I didn’t know what to do, Slap him, or run away screaming. Ridiculous lies!

“ You may have seen me meeting with that guy, he gives me packages with information.”

“Uh-huh…what information?” I say a bit louder than I should have.

“ I’m not allowed to discuss it with you! But I’ve been getting leads about what really went down that day of the bombing…in that company. And that possibly that my fathers alive.”

“So what are you a teenage detective?”

“I’m a Super Agent!”

He laughed , the hollow of his eyes suddenly illuminating his face to me. I had never met anyone under the influence.

“ Let me see that package,” I say scooting closer to him, “ I just want to feel it, it’s just a bunch of papers right?”

“ What? Oh, sure, but don’t open it…” He handed it to me from inside his coat.

I took it, and felt it, the feeling like a dagger into my heart. It was definitely weed, I could feel the texture of leaves, I could even smell it now that I was cogent that any substance was around. And I realized it was how Jerry smelled. I shuddered handing the package back to him.

“ Hey let’s go for a walk…”

“ No, no thanks…” I began picking up my bags, wondering why I couldn’t have a place to myself anymore.

“ Come, on lets walk into the woods!” He grabbed my arm.

Frightened at his sudden movement, I slapped his hand away. “ Just leave me alone!”

I got up and ran away as fast as I could hoping he didn't follow me. Maybe because he was too high…

***
He hadn’t been in school the next day, and I was grateful yet…uneasy. Was it possible I just wanted him around for Eye Candy? But at the same time I knew he was insane?

I had to shake these thoughts away though as the week continued, and I realized by Friday I was lonely. It seemed like my only friend at school had been Lola… I mean I knew plenty of other people. But somehow I couldn’t just squeeze myself into their cliques. Lola and I used to hang with a bunch of other people , but without Lola they didn’t seem to care for me very much.

Lunch at their table , was like being a shadow that wasn’t allowed to speak. It was weird I wanted to talk about things, talk about Jerry, incidents in the mall. But with the loud smacking, and wild hand gestures, and the obnoxious laughter I couldn’t manage. It got to the point where lunch in the library was a good option, or in back of the school were benches next to the basketball courts.

I guess, even though I was lonely it was nice to get my homework done at school most of the time…

But after school Friday I felt like I was dying, I needed someone to see me; look at me. Let me know I still existed when no one else would recognize me, I felt like a ghost as I made my way to the mall.

This is the first work of yours I've had the opportunity to read, and I must say I liked it very much

Even though I haven't read the beginning of all you've written for this, I was able to follow it pretty well. The dialouge is placed nicely and easy to follow, but the flow of everything seems a little jolted...

It's probably not fair for me to critisize anything too deeply just for the fact i don't know all of what's going on in the story... but I will make a comment about the style you seem to be writing in.

It seems a little informal, like you're saying it--not telling it. Does that make sense? Probably not, my bad. My point is that you could make so much more out of :

(Quote):It seemed like my only friend at school had been Lola… I mean I knew plenty of other people.

The 'I mean' part is a little casual for what you're writing... perhaps you could mess around with it.

Overall, honestly I really liked it. I'll probably read some of your other pieces. Keep going with this one!!!

“ It’s something to laugh about…the way he said it.”

say to said

When you loose someone you're never the same again

your to you're

I sucked in my breath, and I could barely move.

there's something wrong with that one, but I can't really make out what

Maybe it was the companies fault, or someone inside the company

needed a verb

Jerry stopped himself, squinting at the sun. And sighing with annoyance

combine these sentences like: "Jerry stopped himself before he could go any further and turned to squint at the sun with a sigh of annoyance." or something like that

My head started to spin, and my mouth got dry…I didn’t know what to do, Slap him, or run away screaming.

change the ending or else you have a run-on, like this perhaps: "Should I slap him or run away screaming?"

“I’m a Super Agent!”


He laughed , the hollow of his eyes suddenly illuminating his face to me. I had never met anyone under the influence.

Combine those



I'll post more later, but right now my dad needs the computer.

I took it, and felt it, the feeling like a dagger into my heart.

that's a bit jumpled there, just expand it a little and add some detail to smoothe it out a bit

“ Come on, lets walk into the woods!” He grabbed my arm.

The comma shouldbe after "on"

It seemed like my only friend at school had been Lola… I mean I knew plenty of other people. But somehow I couldn’t just squeeze myself into their cliques.

Combine these two sentences

Lunch at their table was like being a shadow that wasn’t allowed to speak.

comma wasn't neccesary

It got to the point where lunch in the library was a good option, or in back of the school where there were benches next to the basketball courts.

that makes more sense

There ya go girl! All done. ^^ Keep writing! Love the twist that Jerry's a possible adict!