Young Writers Society

Previuosly 'Alex' and 'Gangster'.

Chapter 2


"Aren't you glad that mom and dad let us wander around for a bit?" Joe asked me.

"Yep. Thrilled," I answered with lack of enthusiasm. "But I don't know why I have to be stuck with you. I'm old enough to look out for myself."

Joe sighed. "You know it's not safe for girls to wander around by themselves," he said, sounding more serious.

I held my head high, completely offended. "Hey, no comments from the peanut gallery, thank you very much."

We had just left the hotel we were staying at to go sight-seeing and buy souvenires Uptown. Uptown looked so much different than downtown. The buildings looked a whole lot nicer, and there weren't a bunch of dirty homeless pople. We walked to a nearby subway station and Joe paid for our tickets. After a couple of stops since boarding the train, Joe and I had trouble deciding where to go first.

“I wanted to go out, so I think we should go shopping.”

“Shopping? Are you kidding?”

“It's at the mall,”—I pointed out a sign on one of the hanging banners— “and girls are at the mall, so it's a win-win situation.”

“Okay. Which stop is it?”

“Umm...” As soon as I was about to answer, the subway train came to its seventh stop, and I noticed that my purse was starting to leave its spot by my side. I saw it in the hands of a man leaving the train, and went after him. “Hey! Give that back!” I shouted after him.

“Wait! Becca!” Joe called.

Right as I ran out of the subway train, the doors closed before Joe could get out. I tried to keep the man who took my purse in my sight, but it was so hard through all of these people, although somehow I managed it. He led me out into the crowded city, down the street, a couple of alleyways, and to a dead end.

“Give that back!” I said after I cornered him.

He turned around and snickered. “I don't think so.” After I realized he was the same boy who sat next to me earlier today on the subway train, he jumped high into the air, higher than anyone I've ever seen before! Then he disappeared onto the next building.

“Graahh!” I was so frustrated! I wasn't here even for a whole day, and my purse gets stolen! And by a guy who could jump freakishly high! I walked towards the brick wall and put my forehead against it. That chase wore me out completely, and I had no idea where I was.

“Well well well, look who we have here. Where you goin', sweetie? You lost?”

I turned around to find a couple of guys walking towards me. “N-no,” I stammered. “And I'm not telling you where I'm going!” It sucked—I run after a guy who stole my purse and this is the time that I need it most—my bottle of pepper spray is in there.

They looked like trouble and like they hadn't taken a shower in months. Also, I was getting so many bad vibes, and not just because they were, well, so many years older than me! I couldn't exactly go anywhere since I was cornered, so I moved over to the corner and got up against the wall as best as I could. There were two of them, and one went right up to me and trapped me, with his hands against each wall. He smelt like a pile of fish and there was so much whiskey in his breath I started getting dizzy.“Oh, c'mon, hun. We just want to talk—”he said as he tried to kiss me.

I slapped him hard on the face. “If you even think about touching me, I swear, I will hurt you so bad, your great-grandma will feel it!” It took all the strength that I had not to rub my hand. I hit him so hard, it hurt, but I couldn't show any signs of fear or hurt in front of them. I put my hands behind my back and clutched them tight, because if they started shaking, then my whole body would do the exact same thing.

He touched his cheek like I had just touched something completely sacred to him. His face turned from complete shock, to complete anger.

“You’re dead, bitch!” he shouted.

He raised his arm and I could tell he was about to back-hand me. I shut my eyes, ready for the blow, but it never came. Instead, I felt another body swiftly slide in between us, which was a very tight squeeze. I opened my eyes to see the back of the man who stole my purse. My nose was so close to his back I could smell some type of cologne on him or something. I peeked around him and saw the other two’s faces wide with shock. Then my savior upper-cut the guy who was about to hit me.

As soon as he collapsed, the other man pulled out a large pocket knife. “You're cornered. There's nowhere for you two to run,” he snarled.

“You see, my friend, that’s where you're wrong.”

Suddenly, the man who had stolen my purse grabbed me by the waist and jumped high into the air. He kicked off of the brick wall and landed just outside the entrance to the dead end. A whole bunch of people stopped to look, which was completely embarrassing for me, but hey, I was just saved from the ugliest guy of my life, so who’s complaining? He ran to a large, railed off hole in the middle of the square and dragged me up onto the rail with him.

As soon as we were both on it, he looked down the hole and shouted, “Hang on tight!”

“What? Why—”

He then had leapt off of the railing, holding onto my waist with one arm. I, of course, would’ve held on with two arms, but, you see, I was wearing a skirt, and there’s absolutely no reason why anybody should be seeing under it, even if we were going down a hole, so I had to use my other arm to hold it down.

Very good writing.
Only think I gota ask is he gangster as in the whole baggy pants showing under wear thing? or Just gangster clothes?

That was cool. I liked the fight scene. This is good so far. Tell me when the next Installation comes out

hey, thanx for the comments! nothin but praise so far... YES!!! anywho, yes Fall_Into_The_Sky, he is a gangster, like the whole baggy pants underwear showing thing, and yes aestar101, I will tell you when the next chapter comes out, but I don't know when that is, because I'm also working on a novel that I'm hoping to get published here in the near future. So, gotta go write. C Ya! ~CJ

Hello again!

Nit-Picks

“Here are your keycards,” said Mom after she and Dad talked to the man behind the counter. She handed Joe one and me one. “Rebecca, don't leave without us knowing, okay? Your suitcases are in your rooms. Joe, you're in room D302, Becca, D304. Your father, Billy and I will be in D303. It's the fifth floor.”

Would kids really get their own rooms? I’m always forced to share, since a room is so expensive.

Uptown looked so much different than downtown. [s]t[/s]The buildings looked a whole lot nicer, and there weren't a bunch of dirty homeless people. We walked to a nearby subway station and Joe paid for our tickets. After a couple stops after we got on the train, Joe and I had trouble deciding where to go first.

Just some typos.

“Graahh!” I was so frustrated! I wasn't here even for a whole day, and my purse gets stolen! And by a guy who can jump freakishly high! I walked towards the brick wall and put my forehead against it. That chase wore me out completely, and I had no idea where I was.

You switched from past tense to present tense in the underlined part.

Overall Comments

Honestly, it’s not bad, but I’m awful at giving praise. Please don’t kill me if I only list things that need to be worked on? Besides, it looks like the ‘it’s amazing! Write more!’ reviewers have already attacked you.

I’ve come up with good things! Yay! *Ahem* Anyways, you were good at varying the length of paragraphs – that makes the reading easier. Also, you’re dialogue (for the most part) was realistic. Just read it out loud to see if anything doesn’t flow well.

Pronouns/Proper Nouns

You seem to have the same problem I do: always starting sentences with proper nouns/pronouns. (I, he, she, Mom, Joe, etc.) You need to vary it up a bit! Even going from:

‘I watched the people pass as I stared out the window.’

To this:

‘Staring out the window, I watched the people pass.’

Helps a bit. Just vary the sentences up a bit – too much consistency gets annoying.

Boring

No offense, but up to the part where her purse gets stolen, I was bored. What was the point of it? I don’t need to know everything.

You started a new chapter, which gives you plenty of time to slip in information. Just start on the bus, having Joe complain. You can slip in the first bit easily without boring us.

Basically, go through here and ditch anything that’s not needed. You’ll just lose our attention if you don’t.

Personalities?

You kind of lost their personalities here. In the first chapter, it was pretty strong – what happened? You need to keep them consistent. Make it so clear who’s who, by how they speak/act, that you don’t need to say names even once. (Though you should say some names, obviously. )

Tell me everything. Details – I like details.

Haha, that’s the cover of a card my English teacher has on the board. I love it.

Anyways, I’m lost here. I can’t see anything! You need to work on bringing the reader closer. What’s the MC thinking? Feeling? Seeing? Smelling? Hearing? Again, refers to kitty15’s critiques (you can ask her for one in ‘Will Review for Food.’) She’ll help you here so much better than I will.

Comma Placement

Memorize this:

“Hello[COMMA]” he said.

When you’re describing how he said it, as above, it’s a comma, not a period. (You kept messing this up.)

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

THis is nice but not that complex of writing. Such as "super nice couches". I understand that this may just be the character's way of describing the couches, but I still think it could do better by a little more colorful vocabulary.

Other than that, the plot is really going well!

Thank you for the review, JW. And well, since their dad's a high level business man, he can afford seperate rooms for the kids. Maybe I should add that in somewhere? and also, I'm not quite sure how to make the beginning more interesting so you're not so bored, and so others don't get bored. can you help me? I'll also check in with kitty15 and see if she can help me, too.

Time for a more in depth critique now that I've read both chapters but to start, a few small comments and suggestions:

"Yep. Thrilled." [Comma rather than full stop.] I answered unenthusiastically. [Sometimes really long words can be awkward. It might flow better if you write 'with a lack of enthusiasm' or 'without any enthusiasm.']

Joe sighed. "You know it's not safe for girls to wander around by [s]themsleves[/s] themselves," he said, more serious. [I think this should either be '...he said, sounding more serious' or '...he said, more seriously' but preferably the first one. That fits better. Also, I think you lose Joe's playful behaviour in this one a little. It's good to see he has a serious side but try to slot in another line of dialogue or two where he's joking around or even just have him push her playfully or pat her head.]

I held my head high, completely offended. "Hey, I no comments from the peanut gallery, thank you very much." [Not quite sure what you meant here, it's a little confusing. Perhaps '...I don't want no comments from the...' would work?]

We had just left the hotel we were staying at to go sight-seeing and buy [s]souvinires[/s] souvenirs Uptown.

After a couple of stops [s]after we got on[/s] since boarding the train, Joe and I had trouble deciding where to go first.

He raised his arm and I could tell he was about to back-hand me.

I peeked around him and saw the other two’s faces wide with shock.

As soon as he collapsed, the other man pulled out a large pocketknife. [Should be pocket knife.]

He ran to a large, railed off hole in the middle of the square and
dragged me up onto the rail with him. [Format error. Should all be on the same line.]

__________________________________

In general, I think your plot is developing well but the piece needs more emotion and atmosphere; the reader has to be able to not only visualise these scenes but also to feel a part of them, to feel it from your persona's point of view.

You have some good description in places but it's too brief. You need to describe the weather, what sort of clothes people are wearing, their physical appearances - hair, eyes, build, complexion - and most importantly the setting. You had a lovely description of the strange rock that covers the floor but how is the atmosphere? Is the air hard to breathe? Is it too moist or too dry, is it hot or very cold? What sort of clothes are your characters having to wear to compensate this? Space suits?

Also, don't forget the other senses when you're writing. It's very easy to just think of what your persona can see but you have to avoid that. You covered scent reasonably well but sound could have been mentioned to a higher extent. Is there construction work going on perhaps? Can she hear snippets of conversation when she is chasing the boy who took her purse and can she hear the distant thrum of life when cornered in the alley - does she think to call for help? And show her fear then. Write her thoughts in italics, show us what she's thinking. Is she wishing that she stayed with Joe, thinking that recovering her purse wasn't worth losing her life over? Is she maybe cursing and swearing at the boy that took her purse in her mind and blaming him? That could make for an interesting contrast when he comes to her rescue.

The next sense that could be covered better is touch. So the strange rock is smooth but what else? Is it warm - does it absorb the heat of the sun like tarmac - or is it cold or cool to the touch? When the boy or the man are standing close to her, when they touch her or she touches them what does their skin feel like? Does the boy's arms around her feel reassuring or is she as scared of him as she is of the men? And when she slaps the man, does she feel his skin beneath her nails, does his cheek feel hard or smooth? Warm or cold? Is it covered in grime that transfers to her fingers and makes her feel dirty?

And finally, taste. Taste is sometimes a difficult sense to include in a story but it can be done in either a literal or a metaphorical way. Literally: you describe your persona eating or drinking and how it tastes. Metaphorical: often a mixture of senses. You can describe how your persona may be able to taste the tension or the fear in the air or how he/she can taste the salty zest of sweat as they're running, taste the sulphur in the air, taste the cracked, beaten texture of their lips.

I hope this helps a little. Feel free to pm me with questions or if you'd like me to take a look at a revised version of this or something else,

Heather xx

ok i loved the story i couldn't find any flaws but yeah please keep me posted