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Young Writers Society


Protecting the Fallen, First Story, Part 1



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Tue Feb 05, 2008 12:15 am
Raptured says...



It had been 8 years now, since the war had started. It did not rage out of anger, no, but out of difference. The difference of two nations...

The first nation was named the land of Kage. It was ruled by the human king, Ronan, a man who despised the other nation for who they were. No, this other nation didn't consist of bad people, but they were considered different. And in these times, difference was a deadly thing.

Archenland. That was the name of the nation that was hated by all at current state. But why, you may ask? It's because they weren't completely human, or at least that was what was said. This nation had wings, like those who were considered angels. But be warned, reader, these were [i]not
considered angels. In fact, some lands called them the Bird Devils, since their wing pattens were based on families of birds. Others just referred to the Archenlandians as them. But enough of this for now. It's time to weave a story. A forbidden one, of a love between the Archenlandian Prince, and the Kage Princess he loved.[/i]

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

~8 Years Before~

She had been waiting all day, black eyes wide and excited, for his return. Shadowed curls lurching around her crested pale face, this small girl though she could not wait any longer. Not since he was finally coming home!

He? Her father, of course. The king of Kage had been gone for over a month, visiting those who were fighting in the war, including this girl's own brother. But today, he was finally coming home!

And so Unagi waited, alongside her more-patient mother, until the knock was finally heard. Small feet touching the floor, she finally saw him as the door creaked open. "Daddy!" The girl screeched pleasantly, ebony eyes wide. She rushed forward, clinging to the kings leg, while her mother smiled and walked up with ease. "It's been far too long, Ronan. What's in your hand? A book?" Her mother asked, making Unagi blink upwards in curiosity. The king merely chuckled. "I met a gypsy on the way back here. She said this book was special, a stolen treasure from Archenland. She also said that there were only two copies within the earth, and that the other one still lay within our enemy's castle."

Unagi's mother frowned slightly, taking the book up from her father and flipping through the pages. "It's blank, except for the first page. 'Once upon a time there was a princess....'"She stated, and Unagi was filled with even more curiosity. "Is that book for me? I wanna draw on it!" The 10 year old screeched joyfully, causing the father above her to chuckle. "The gypsy said it's supposed to be blank. I guess it's a coloring text, but I bought it for Unagi anyway. Though, I'm still not sure how this could be much of a treasure."

Unagi only seemed to hear the first part of the sentence. She switched over to her mother's leg, hands clawing up. "I want it! I want it! I'm gonna go color!" Unagi's mother looked upon her daughter strongly, but handed the book to her anyway. "Alright, off you go then. Don't fill the pages up too fast."

~~~

Unagi was up in her room faster then an Archenlandian could fly. Stomping her feet, the little girl immediately grabbed her intricate pencils from upon the royal oak desk. Now, she reached for the fabled book, opening to a blank page. The 10 year old smiled, beginning to sketch something in a black pencil. "I like dogs, so this is gonna be a dog! A big, brown dog!" And when the dog's outer shell was finished, Unagi closed the book for a second to grab a light brown colored pencil. Holding it in precious art, Unagi was ready to color her dog. And so she opened the book, but frowned. Where was her dog drawing?

Unagi flipped a few pages, trying to find her sketch, but it was no where! As if this book had erased it from the pages. And also, something else strange had happened.

"Mommy said there was only one page to the book..." Unagi muttered, looking at what appeared to be a beautifully drawn second page.

"Once upon a time, there was a princess. She was lonely, until her father came with a bright colored book...."


((Not much romance yet, but it's only the first part AND 8 years before the next part. This just explains one major part of the story. (The book, if you were wondering) If anyone can guess what the book does, I'll give you a cookie.))
Last edited by Raptured on Tue Feb 05, 2008 1:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
Hold it together, birds of a feather,
Nothing but lies and crooked wings,
I hold the answer, spreading the cancer,
You are the music inside me.
  





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Tue Feb 05, 2008 1:03 am
bubblewrapped says...



OK. Leaving aside the obvious grammatical and spelling errors for the moment (because I don't really have the time and I'm sure someone else will be more than happy to detail these for you), there are a few things that bother me here.

Firstly, what age group is this intended for? No offense, but if it's intended for older readers (e.g. 13+) then I would suggest eliminating the prologue piece entirely and altering the tone so that the author is not so involved with the story (for instance, the repeated rhetorical questions within the narrative). It may just be me, but I get a kind of patronizing impression from the text as the narrator seems to assume that I am incapable of identifying necessary information for myself if it is included in the story. Basically, stop talking to the reader. We don't exist. You're telling the story for us, yes, and that should certainly shape your tone and style. But you're not telling it to us most of the time, so butt out already XD

Another problem with this approach is that you keep jerking the reader out of the story to tell them things they don't need to know just yet. That's why I think the entire "prologue" is unnecessary and, frankly, gives away the entire story in one go and makes the reader less interested in reading. You're already labouring under a cliched storyline (sworn enemies falling in love is hardly original) so you need to do everything you can to keep the plot fresh and the reader interested. Giving the whole thing away at the beginning is definitely going to work against you.

It's OK to have some mysteries. Don't tell us what an Archenlandian is until we meet one. We'll pick up the fact that they can fly from descriptions, or the use of phrases like "faster than an Archenlandian could fly" (which was really clever, by the way ;)). Let the narrative dictate what details we need, and stop interrupting the flow with unnecessary info.

As to the characters - or rather, the main character - I kind of got the impression she was younger than ten. You might want to tone down her character a little bit, as I'm assuming a princess would have to be a little more mature than she is acting due to (a) rigid instruction and (b) necessity - she's going to have been in the public eye a lot and will most likely have been groomed to be a credit to her parents. Excitement is great and adds to her character, but we need to get some sense of the restrictions of royal life as well, IMHO.

Overall, it sounds an interesting story. I would definitely advise running it through a spell-check and getting someone to help you with the word choice and grammar, however, as there are a few errors there that make the story hard to decipher (e.g. cressted? I don't think this is the right spelling/word). You also repeat your descriptions a bit, so some thorough editing may be in order.

Keep writing!

Cheers,
~bubbles
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
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Tue Feb 05, 2008 1:41 am
Raptured says...



Thanks for critting. ;D My computer won't load spell check for some reason. Something's wrong with my browser.:/
As for the writeing, being from Russia kills on how you write in American translation. I have this story typed up fully in Russian, and translation kills me. I'll try better next time. ^^
Thanks,
Rapt
Hold it together, birds of a feather,
Nothing but lies and crooked wings,
I hold the answer, spreading the cancer,
You are the music inside me.
  








Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known.
— Chuck Palahniuk