z

Young Writers Society


Expect the Unexpected- Chapter Nine



User avatar
27 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 390
Reviews: 27
Fri Nov 02, 2007 1:27 am
Chaotic Romance says...



EDIT: I've edited this story, thanks to sokool15 and bigbadbear!

Well, I changed some things in last chapter thanks to the critique! And this does turn into a romance!! It's a story with the whole love/hate relationship.

Here's chapter 9:
________

Elizabeth sat there for a good few minutes trying to take all of it in…

He was going to kill her in a month if her father didn’t show up. That was a lot to digest…She hadn’t really expected him to just come right out and tell her. Hell, she had expected him to beat around the bush.

She had expected to react differently when she had been told such a story, but she was behaving the complete opposite of how she expected to behave. She actually took the news rather well under the circumstances. She wasn't scared nor was she angry. She was just... strangely calm.

She had hardly any more time to digest this information because just then the door opened and the boy that had brought her here the first time stepped in. Without a word he stepped towards her, grabbed her roughly by the wrist, yanked her out of the chair and proceeded to drag her out of the room “Wait, what’s going on? Now, where are you taking me?” she asked confused.

He ignored her and continued to drag her God only knew where. She had expected him not to answer, so it was no surprise when he didn’t. It just made her angry at the fact that she was still quite confused even if the 'boss' guy had given her a load of information.

But her question didn’t go unanswered for long. She recognized this path they were taking and realized that they were going back to the dungeon room in which she had found herself in earlier. But instead of chaining her to anything, he simply let her in and then left her standing in the middle of the room. He locked the door behind her. Thus, leaving her in there by herself and still completely confused as to what was going on.

She sighed as she went to the nearest wall and sat down leaning against it. This happened to be the wall where she was chained up before, there was no sign of the chains left over from where David had yanked them off. They were even off her ankles and wrists, but she didn’t remember ever taking them off. She shuddered. She didn’t know how they were taken off, but honestly she didn’t want to know.

She sighed, now what was she going to do? Locked up in a building with a bunch of vampires. Creatures that she didn’t even know existed. The things that her parents had been hiding from her as well as her siblings for their entire life. It was horrible, and it made her stomach hurt just thinking that her parents kept something of that magnitude from her for so many years. And when they finally decided to explain things, they missed a pretty important detail… Not that she was agreeing that she was in fact half vampire, she was merely speculating as to how angry she would be if it were true. She was still intent on not believing it. It was a lie, that she was quite sure of.

She sat there in the darkness, not having a clock or access to a window, she had no clue how late or early it was. Or how long she had been sitting there. It wasn’t until her stomach growled rather loudly that she realized that it probably had been awhile, since she was rather hungry. It had been at least twelve hours or maybe even more since she had last eaten… that was what she guessed for there was no way for her to tell. Especially since she wasn't sure how long she had been out after she had been knocked out with the chloroform, for all she knew she could have been out for a week.

It was just then that the door opened and a figure stepped into the room. Elizabeth could immediately tell that it was a girl, noting by the way she walked towards her and the way that she stood. She was carrying something and it only took her a moment to realize what it was. The girl placed the tray with some sort of sandwich on it with a small bowl of fruit on the side and a bottle of water in front her.

Elizabeth looked at it, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at the food, as if it was its fault for getting her into this situation in the first place.

“It’s not poisoned, you know.” The girl said, speaking for the first time, nodding towards the food, as Elizabeth picked the sandwich up and began inspecting it.

“I don’t eat meat.” She said simply, once she noticed that it was a ham sandwich. Of course, that was a lie, but she didn’t plan on eating anything that they gave her, God only knows what they did to it…

“Then eat the fruit.”

Elizabeth grabbed the bottled water, the only reason she had touched it was because it was still sealed shut, and unless they knew how to reseal bottles, she was quite sure that it was not tainted with anything and thus was perfectly safe to drink.

The girl watched her for a few moments and when she was quite sure that Elizabeth was not going to eat what was in front of her, she sighed. “Darren is not going to be happy about this.”

“Oh, is that his name? Well, I really don’t give a damn what he says or wants. For all I care, he can shove this up his ass.” She snarled at her. The girl merely blinked at her, not even remotely surprised by her outburst.

“Well, I can certainly see why David likes you.” She muttered. “He always likes a challenge.” She smirked slightly, “And you are definitely a challenge for him.” she said knowingly.

“Whatever.” She grumbled. “I don’t give a damn about him either. He can go screw himself for all I care.”

“Now, that wasn't very nice.” A new, masculine voice said in the darkness.

She recognized that voice. She had grown accustomed to hearing it even in the short amount of time that she had known him; he had a very distinct sounding voice. It sounded evil and sadistic. And she hated it.

“Oh, shove it, you bastard.” She snarled, in the general direction in which she had heard his voice come since he was too far away for her to actually see him.

“Temper, temper…” he tsked her from afar, still not coming close enough for her to at least see his outline.

The girl sighed, “David, get out of here. Darren told you not to come in here…”

David scoffed, “And since when do I listen to him?” he asked, and Elizabeth knew he was smirking, she could hear it in his voice. “You know as well as I do Nicole that I hardly listen to him.”

The room was suddenly illuminated. David was standing in the far corner, leaning against the wall. The girl, whose name supposedly was Nicole, rolled her eyes at what the boy had said. Elizabeth studied her, she had blond hair and blue eyes. So blue, that she was curious how a vampire- for Elizabeth was sure that she had to be one too- could end up with such eyes. They were rather angelic looking.

“Get out of here David.” Nicole threatened. “Leave the poor girl alone. She’s been through enough already without you making things worse.”

David pushed himself off of the wall and made his way to the two girls on the opposite side of the room. He stopped standing before both of them and looked from Elizabeth to Nicole and back again. “I don’t know why you’re defending her, Nicole. You barely know the girl.” he spoke finally after several moments of silence.

“That may be the case, but I know what she could be going through and you’re just making things worse. If Darren found out that you were down here, he would not be happy. You already pissed him off once today, do you want to do it again?” she asked.

“Are you even allowed to be giving her food?” he questioned, changing the subject rather quickly.

“Yes, for your information I am… he gave me strict orders to make sure she eats.”

Elizabeth had been quiet up to this point; she found herself speaking before she could think otherwise, “Um… would you refrain from talking about me while I’m in the room please? And I am not eating that.” She gestured towards the plate of food that sat untouched right next to her.

The two looked at her, both as if they were seeing her for the first time.

David glared at her for a few moments before finally disappearing, but the girl stayed. “I’m not an enemy.” she said quietly.

“Yea, well you work for the enemy and that’s just as bad.”

She sighed, “I’ll just leave this here then, in case you change your mind.” And with that she left, locking the door behind her, and leaving Elizabeth alone in the cell.

She groaned, banging her head lightly up against the wall. What had she done to deserve this? Sure, she had done some things that were not good and frowned upon by everyone but that didn’t mean that she deserved to be punished this way. No one did. Not even the most rotten person alive.

She sighed, this sucked.

She glanced at the untouched plate in front of her. Her stomach growled rather loudly. She really needed to eat something, she knew she did. She just wasn't sure if she was willing to trust them that's all. They could have drugged it or worse, poisoned it!

She glanced at it for a few minutes before making up her mind. She slowly picked up the sandwich and brought it to her nose, sniffing it, inspecting it… if they had done anything, like poisoned it; it was bound to smell different, right?

It smelled normal, like a ham sandwich should smell like, nothing strange there… it could still be poisoned, they could have used something that would not have left any sort of smell. She was sure that there were things out there that could do that.

She decided to take her chances, she was starving and God only knew the next time they were planning on feeding her. She took a small bite and paused for a moment and when nothing bad happened, she proceeded to take a bigger bite. Now that she was quite sure that nothing horrible was going to happen, she inhaled the rest. She was hungrier then she thought.

She grabbed the plastic fork that they so gracefully provided and began eating the fruit. It wasn’t long before everything was gone and she found herself rather drowsy. That was strange, she was never drowsy after she ate, at least not this quickly.

She blinked trying to blink away the drowsiness but that didn’t do anything, but maybe make her feel even worse. She realized quite suddenly that the food had been drugged… they had put something in there to make her sleepy, but why? That made no sense.

That was the last thought she had for after that, she fell to the floor in a very deep sleep.
___________________________________________________________________

“Well?” Darren looked expectantly at the girl in front of him.

“She won’t eat it.” Nicole reported, “at least she didn’t eat it while I was there…”

“Damnit,” he muttered, darkly, and here he had thought that she was going to cooperate, little brat. “She should be starving by now… she hasn’t eaten in at least twelve hour…”

“She thinks it’s poisoned.” the girl said simply.

Darren groaned, quite annoyed at the report he was hearing. “And why in the hell would it be poisoned? The girl should know that she is far too valuable to be killed now…”

She shrugged, “Well, I don’t think she’s going to believe anyone who says that. She doesn’t trust, nor does she like me. Even after I saved her from David’s torment.” Nicole explained.

“What was David doing down with her? He’s not supposed to be in the same room with her alone.” Darren said forebodingly.

Nicole shrugged again, “Like I said he was tormenting her, he seems to like doing that with her…. I think he finds it humorous.”

“Yea, well he better stop or it’s not going to be too humorous anymore.” he said, “And I will see to that. The girl is supposed to be left alone, for obvious reasons. She’s being remotely cooperative at the moment, except for this little food strike that she seems to be having, and I won’t have him ruining it.” he growled out. “Go get David for me, I need to talk to him and make sure he understands the rules fully.”

She dully nodded and left without another word.

He sighed, why the hell did David have to make everything so difficult?
___________________________________________________________________

Elizabeth groaned as she got up rather groggily. She blinked a few times before the world finally came into focus and even then her sight wasn’t much better, when she realized that she was in fact in a dark room, but this time she was lying on something, like a table of some sorts, that was elevated off the ground.

She glanced around; she was on a surgical table, that’s all she could really tell of the room, since the rest was shrouded in darkness.

“Good, I’m glad that you’re awake. I was starting to think that I had put too much in your food…” Darren stepped out of the shadows and into the one light that was close to where Elizabeth currently found herself tied to.

“What the hell did you drug me for?” she snarled at him. Watching him as he stepped closer to her.

“I have my reasons.” he muttered, he clearly was not going to tell her anything and she growled in frustration, He smirked at her reaction.

“What am I doing here, then?” she asked, glancing around at the room and trying to get a glimpse at what was out of the range of the light. But she saw nothing but black and finally gave up and turned to stare at him again.

“I’m very pleased to see that you actually did something that I asked. That being you ate what was given to you.”

“Bastard! I wouldn’t have eaten it if I had known what was in it!” she snarled.

He chuckled at her outburst. Her petty remarks only made him laugh. Lucky for her they didn’t make him angry.

“Whatever you say, my dear.” was all he said to that. They both knew that she would have eaten it eventually. She needed food to survive and Darren knew that she would not have killed herself over something so trivial.

She glared at him but didn’t say anything. He continued talking, ignoring the look she was sending him, “Now, Elizabeth, I’m going to ask you a series of questions and you are going to answer me as honestly as you can-”

She interrupted him “You had to tie me to a table in order to do this?” she asked, glancing at her bound hands.

He ignored her question and went on as if she had not even spoken to him, “If you fail to do so… well, let’s just say, you won’t like the consequences of such a decision. And believe me; I will be able to tell when you’re lying.”

Her eyes widened, she didn’t need to see the knife in his hand to know what he was implying.

“Do you understand?" he asked softly, bringing the six inch blade to rest lightly on her stomach, making her jump as the cold metal came in contact with her warm skin. It was just then that she realized that she was in nothing but her undergarments. Making her blush at the sudden thought of him seeing far more then he should.

He pushed the knife harder into her skin, breaking it and making her jump in surprise at the sting it brought. She muttered a near audible “ow”.

“I said do you understand?” he asked, sounding a little impatient at her pause in answering him.

She nodded, before saying very quietly, “Yes.”

He smiled at her as he took the knife away from her skin where it was still bleeding freely, “Good, let’s begin.” he said with an evil glint in his eye. And Elizabeth gulped.
Last edited by Chaotic Romance on Fri Nov 02, 2007 5:27 am, edited 2 times in total.
"Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault." - Dr. David M. Burns

My website: http://www.freewebs.com/chaoticromance1/index.htm
  





User avatar
713 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 7740
Reviews: 713
Fri Nov 02, 2007 1:49 am
BigBadBear says...



She had expected to react differently when she had been told such a story, but she was acting the complete opposite of what she expected to act. She wasn't scared nor was she angry. She was just... calm as could be.


Notice how many times you use act in this paragraph...

Without a word he stepped towards her and grabbed her roughly and yanked her out of the chair and proceeded to drag her out of the room


And, and and... you know some guy invented wonderful commas so we can go like this:

Without a word, he steeped towards her and grabbed her roughly, yanker her out of the chair, and proceeded to drag her out of the room. Much smoother!

But her question didn’t go unanswered for long… she recognized this path way they were taking and


There are a lot of things wrong with this pasasge. Take away the (...) it doesn't belong. Pathway is one word.

She sighed as she went to the nearest wall and sat down leaning against it, this happened to be the wall


Separate these sentences.




Wow.. this is a long chapter. I will come back with the rest of the critique later, ok?



BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





User avatar
378 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1215
Reviews: 378
Fri Nov 02, 2007 4:43 am
sokool15 says...



Okay, good chapter! Good! And believe me, you don't have to wait to post your other chapters...I don't think I could bear the tension! If this was a book I'd probably have read it already, burning the midnight candle to get through. It's good.

That being said, as usual, I've got a few critiques.

She had expected to react differently when she had been told such a story, but she was acting the complete opposite of what she expected to act. She wasn't scared nor was she angry. She was just... calm as could be.


Tee hee...'calm as could be' sounds like a phrase a '60's mother would use when talking to her husband, when she was anything but calm. I don't think it works here. I asked my brother and he said it was slightly cheesy. Um...I would say "She was strangely calm." to replace that sentence...that way you can take out the ellipses as previous critiquer suggested.

I've put in bold all of your 'act' things. It gets old, and it's redundant and wordy. There are just too many words to say too little.
"When she was told the story, she was surprised by her own reaction. Instead of anger or fear, all she felt was a strange calmness."

There you have the whole paragraph condensed and easier to read, with less repitition.

I've noticed that throughout your story you say something like "she realized this..." and then you say BECAUSE and then you follow up with something else. Now usually the causal relationship between the action that happened and the change in her thinking is pretty obvious, and adding a 'because' in there makes it sound ever-so-slightly immature. Instead break it up into two sentences. "She ran down the corridor." skip the because, and follow up with something else.

Ack, hard to explain. Let me try to pull an example from your story.

But her question didn’t go unanswered for long because she recognized this path they were taking and realized that they were going back to the dungeon room in which she had found herself in earlier.


Referring to my paragraph before, here is how I would change it:

But her question didn't go unanswered for long. She realized that they were going back to the dungeon room in which she had found herself earlier.


See? The relationship between the two is still apparent, but we didn't have to add the slightly immature 'because' in there.

Oh, on a side note...never start a sentence with 'but' or 'and.' If you are starting a sentence like that, then you're really just connecting it with the last sentence and you should rethink whether or not there should be a full stop or if you should combine the sentences.

They were even off her ankles and wrists, but she didn’t remember ever taking them off

She shuddered, she didn’t know how they were taken off, but honestly she didn’t want to know.


At the end of the first paragraph, a full stop after 'off.' Probably just a typo.

Also, I think you should connect these two paragraphs because they're both pretty short and the subjects are the same: chains.

Second paragraph, full stop after 'shuddered.' Wording on second paragraph is a little awkward but I can't pinpoint it exactly.

*sigh* I guess I should go do homework. Too bad. I love critiquing your story! Sure, it's got errors, but they're such good errors...ack, I'm having a debilitating word-finding problem tonight.

Great job once again on this chapter! I'm being so nitpicky because I think your story is worth it...it's got so much potential and is so much fun to read.

~MademoiselleKool 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
  








I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
— Solomon Short